The Point of View From Someone Being Single Shamed

[tonicandgin]

This myTake is inspired by a question I recently saw, and something I've thought about throughout my high school years.

First of all lets clear up the stereotype of teenagers being a bunch of horny zoo animals. Some people are not fully developed in sex hormones, some of us are trying to figure ourselves out, and some of us are simply GOAL ORIENTED and just plain not interested. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend is a lot of work. Nobody likes things done half assed, especially in relationships. Reasons for not entering a relationship by choice is simple. No drama, more time to yourself, no problem.

Let's create a scenario.

Act 1 Scene 1:

This is a classic. You have relatives and close friends of the family visiting or you are visiting them for the holidays, and every year it's the same thing, everyone is paired off seemingly all except for poor single you. You're doing your very best not to stick out like a sore thumb and then your mom's best friend pops out with her entourage with this wicked gleam in eyes that tells you she actually enjoys doing this...

Sadistic Woman:

"Oh hello (insert name) you're all grown up now! And my you look so pretty/handsome! how are you still single!?" THAT right there is the million dollar question :D

You:

"Oh... well I've been busy with my studies and training (whatever extracurricular) I hardly have time for anything else ha-ha."

Sadistic Woman:

"That's nice dear, hopefully you have time to start looking around. After all biology has a time limit!"

You: Bitch! I'm a f^cking teenager!! Cram your big ass nose and saggy tits elsewhere*

"Hahaha, don't worry about me, I can take care of myself."

Sadistic Woman:

"Actually, I know someone. You two would be so cute together, ah young love!"

You:

"Thanks, but I'm really not interested."

Sadistic Woman:

"But you never know if you don't try!"

You:

"I'm not ready to meet someone yet, I'm still really young." *take the hint and STFU* "I'll let you know when I meet someone :)."

Sadistic Woman:

"Oh alright! I won't pester you anymore. Look! Your cousin brought his (girlfriend/boyfriend)!!!"

You:

"I should go say hi to them."

Sadistic Woman:

"Alright dear, nice chatting with you."

You: *Thank God! I thought that windbag would never clam it!*

"Yeah sure."

Act 1 Scene 2:

You said you were going to say hi to your cousin, and that lady is still watching you, so you don't have much choice. You approach your cousin who is more or less the same age as you and their partner and...

Cousin:

"YOU CAME ALONE AGAIN!"

You:

"Well nice seeing you too."

Cousin: *Pulls you aside*

"You know, it's way more fun with a date. (partner's name) is such a great (girl/guy). You would enjoy these parties more!"

You: *Your partner sucks in bed, I'd know because I "did" it with him/her when he wasn't getting any from you*

"sighs. I know. Catch you sometime?"

Cousin:

"Of course!"

Act 2 Scene 1:

You are hanging out with a friend of the opposite gender when you are spotted by one of your parents. Later on you are interrogated at the dinner table.

Mom:

"Honey, who was that girl/boy you were talking to?"

You:

"Oh (friend)? yeah we're just friends."

Mom:

"(friend) is quite the catch."

You: *Oh shiiiiiit!*

"we're just friend's mom."

Mom:

"No feelings at all? I've seen you a few times with this person."

You:

"That's how people make friends mom. By talking to them."

Mom:

"You seem so keen on this person. Are you gay since you claim you're not interested in anyone I've seen you talk to?"

You:

"JESUS CHRIST MOM! Are you seriously going to plan my wedding for every girl/guy that ever talks to me!?"

Mom:

"I'm just saying... you seem to spend more time with this person, that's all."

You:

"You say that about every person of the opposite gender... can we please just drop it?"

Mom: *shaking her head*

"Ok ok. Kids are just so moody."

You: *AAHHHHH!*

"I'm going to finish my homework now."

END

Do take this lightly it's just a textbook example. There are like a million scenarios of singe shaming that could really drive you up a wall, even more so when it's coming from your parents.

[Anonymous]

Yah plenty of people try to single shame. Don't let 'em. Show that being single is fine. I once had my older sister pestering me to breakup with my second and one of my only girlfriends ever. This is coming from a sister who has had multiple guy friends throughout her life, dated quite a few times, and is now married, hence never knew how hard it is to be so lonely for so long like I had so many times. She pestered me to breakup and not for too great of reasons. "she's not good for you, I don't like her, break up already!" "well, I can't just break up for no reason. Plus we keep each other company at the very least and I'd rather not be lonely again." "You can find somebody else easy!" "OH! In that case, it's so easy then! How about I break up and you search for girl that is so much better that I can date?" "Hahaha no that's not my job! I'm too busy!" "Ok then, if you won't go through the effort to replace what you want me to give up, something not easy for ME to achieve and is rare and special to me, STFU about it! :D" And that was all. The conversation ended there. Point it, people will pester and bug others to be less lonely, make friends, etc but put in ZERO effort to truly help out with it, so call them out on their BS and usually they'll shut up. I've also told me parents directly when they asked about finding a girlfriend that I didn't go to college for that, they had to IMMEDIATELY backtrack a bit, suck up their pride and state that they were happy for the answer despite the fact that the original question is still in their mind somewhere. No parent in their right mind is going to encourage dating over education at a college they are taking out loans for. They fell directly into my trap and I knew it. They shut up about it ever since. I know dating a specific kind of girl is an ulterior reason I am at the college I am at now and why they are helping to pay only if I am where I am but they can't directly say so cause then they can make it seem they value that over my education and they KNOW I can use easily twist their words and use it as an excuse to completely waste their money on girls, parties etc., so they suck up now and keep quiet so I do not do so. Huge trap I put them in. They can't outright say girls are more priority than education. They'd sound like idiots. And they know it. So it has to be very subtle and careful, or not mentioned at all. This being said, these kind of tactics are perfect for shutting people up about dating. Be direct. Be blunt. Trap them into sounding stupid if they continue pushing it, threaten their ego, and usually, peace will be had at last and you can enjoy the awesomeness that is being single. :)

[tonicandgin]

My mom says college is a good "husband hunting ground" so we literally fight over the phone everyday since one of my exes recently got engaged

[Opinion Owner]

Call me crazy, but I would suggest to you hinting to your mom that you are a lesbian. Especially if she is against that sort of thing. Don't say it outright, just phrase things to make it subtle. Make a joke or two about a cute girl you talk to. Be clever with wording using things like "I'd consider" or "it's a possibility" that way, it remains a mystery and it'll give her anxiety, and the more anxiety, the more she'll not want to think about it as much and possibly switch subjects. Now certain parents like my own wouldn't get subtle hints and would go crazy pissed at it. But I don't think being a lesbian is looked at as bad as being gay by anybody, so use this to an advantage. Just my advice to get her off your back. If anything, try my tactic. Tell her flat out college is for education is it not? Stuff like that really helps to shut parents up about it usually. Maybe even try a tactic like I used on my sister and ask her if she'd find a guy for you so that way suddenly she has to consider what a burden guy hunting could be, which could also prompt a change in subject and relief. Just some advice.

[tonicandgin]

I told her college is for education and she would scoff amd say I'm a woman. I'm more modern and she's traditional so she expects whoever ends up with me to pay for everything. She hates my current boyfriend because he's shorter than me.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh geez. Hey at least you have a bf! Wtf? Tell her straight, she wants a certain kind of boyfriend for ya, she needs to get off her ass and do the work for it or else stfu and accept you as you are!

[tonicandgin]

I ain't giving this one up lol, all the other guys think I'm a fuck doll and my mom likes those type of guys cuz we "look better" together.

[Opinion Owner]

0.0 uh oh... your mom... literally sounds like she wants you to be set up with fuck boys... just so you "look better"? Oh geez. Yah, definitely love the guy you have. You sound smart, keep it up ok, don't let your mom ruin it. If ya gotta fool her with a bit of wordplay, go for it!

[tonicandgin]

Thanks :)

[JudgmentDay]

The only thing I'd change about this picture is that instead of "Happiness comes from within, not from men" is that it would say "Happiness comes from within, not from ANYBODY ELSE and/or ANYTHING ELSE"

They're right about that for most part. Too many people that end up completely broken hearted and crushed once their relationship is over because they had entirely or solely depended upon their partner or significant other to make them "feel happy" or for their "happiness". But once that relationship is over then so is their "happiness".

And in the long run I think that most people aren't exactly "happy" people or "happy" as they claim that they are or present themselves as.

What do think @Unit1 ?

[tonicandgin]

yea.. I couldn't find any other pics that could come close to what I wanted to portray and I agree with the what you said about the wording of this quote.

[JudgmentDay]

@tonicandgin You know what I really think? People aren't exactly "happy", "satisfied" nor "content" with their relationships if they're constantly putting other single people down all just to make themselves feel better. You know what they say "misery loves company", because they're mad that you aren't sharing their same fair share of miseries and the kind of responsibilities that they go through on a regular daily basis.

[tonicandgin]

That's a good point. Wanna do an edited version of this take?

[Unit1]

True that. Misery loves company indeed. That rings quite accurate.
In my experience at least.

Why are you not smoking?
Why are you not drinking alcohol?
Why you don't have a girlfriend?
Why you don't know X?
Why you can't do Y?
Why are you still a (kissless) virgin?

If i knew, it would be this. I'm not joining the company of miseries. In fact i made it out of there.

[silvermoon84]

I’m turning 35 in few years. The single shaming and nagging is getting even more frequent now and it’s not even coming from my family. My mom leaves me alone about it because she went through a nasty divorce 33 years ago and wants to spare me from that but her best friend asks me every time “When are you going to get married already?” People at my church are always asking when I’m going to meet somebody and settle down. I have friends who are nagging me to get married (although these friends also have several failed marriages under their belts). I wanted to be married before 30 but that happens on God’s clock, not mine (I know not everyone believes in God but that’s my belief)

[Dchrls78104]

Meh, I've been virgin shamed... and I'm still a virgin.

[silvermoon84]

@Dchrls78104 aww. I’m sorry about that. It’s rare to find a Virgin at your age, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.

I just read my post and realized I should have posted “months” and not “years”. I’m already 34 so 35 is only a few months away.

[tonicandgin]

Always the mom's best friend...

[Anonymous]

I don't know for years i've been telling my family I hate people etc and few years ago they seemed to finally accept it and don't ask me about guys anymore xD and If it's coworkers or friends asking, I just ask them back why exactly should I be in a relationship and they can't come up with a good reason. there's so much to do in life than just search for a partner and if I enjoy the freedom, I sure ain't gonna give up on it just because some dummies judge me for that

[tonicandgin]

yeah, people should stick their noses in their own shit

[xxcandyxxcanes]

LOL admittedly this was funny to read. I must make a correction.

You: JESUS CHRIST M-
You: *jaw is dislocated*
Mom: *has slapped the fuck out of you*

Or at least that would be me if I screamed a holy name in the middle of a party. It doesn't get easier, and likely will never disappear, so get used to it. [Learn phrases that shut people up quickly, without being rude.] Frankly, I ask someone how their own marriage is going if they're someone I don't care if I disrespect (yes, I am a part of the savage bloodline). But for most respected family, be polite and cut them off, change the subject, etc.

[GreyEyedGuy12]

My mindset has always been and remains, don't be pressured into
following popular trends to fit in.

Most of us aren't wise or mature
to navigate pitfalls surrounding
our own individual lives, yet try
taking on and navigating relationships at a time in life
where nothing is certain and
very little is known, even about
ourselves.

[Unit1]

We men get called gay as victims of single shaming 🙄 it is very unoriginal.

Naturally for any relationship I require privacy, time and peace of mind (also money, so that I'm not hungry or anything!). Without these I'm not even thinking about relationships.

[lightbulb27]

must be hard being a girl. It's no fun standing at the edge of the diving board and someone pushing you, you have to want to jump when you are ready.

[VIVANT]

Why would thjs be harder for girls? 🧐

[tonicandgin]

@VIVANT probably referring to the biological clock comment

[lightbulb27]

Yes.. women get pushed for makong families... men pushed for career... historically...

[tonicandgin]

still do. I come froma mix of liberal and conservative family. I don't know how they ended up together...

[lightbulb27]

Wanna have fun w them. Tell them yoi met a guy online. he's 50yr old conservative... u feel like he's the one... lol. That shut them up for a day.
Yea... i can only imagine the political args...

[tonicandgin]

hahaha I gotta try that if I break up with my boyfriend

[LaBrownEyes]

"If you aren't happy single..." Like saying if you aren't starving then you won't enjoy food when you get it. No you can enjoy food whenever. Anywho if I'm not happy single aka alone 24/7 then I need to, more importantly WANT to find a partner. But no shame here, do you and what you want.

[Lance1965]

When you are young being single is hard but when you are much older it starts to make a whole lot of sense. I know a lot of middle-aged or older men that are very happy now that they are now single while some younger guys fall into a depression over it. When you are older you certainly see relationships very differently.

[FatherJack]

Yep , I fall squarely into the category you have described. It's because the hormones are screaming at the poor , younger guys

[Lman3000]

Damn, And I never thought I'd find something on this site relatable to me, but Jesus that's why I stopped giving a fuck and shut down any conversations involving me and relationships and shove it down peoples heads that I'm not interested in talking about any relationships

[Anonymous]

I think you are making a problem where there isn't one. I am the most undesirable man on the planet, seriously, no girl ever even liked me, naturally, I never had sex or even a kiss because of that, and I met thousands and thousands of different women. Yet I was never single shamed. Whenever people pointed out that I've been single for a while, I brush it off with either saying I really need a break from women, or saying I want to focus on other things for the time being etc. and everybody would always accept it and not ask me anything further. And if a guy as alone as me can avoid being single shamed, trust me, EVERYBODY can.

[tonicandgin]

This is mostly from very social relatives and close friends. Doesn't apply to everyone.

[Sevenpointfive]

i used to get that to at reunions and weddings. it's none of their business

[tonicandgin]

seriously tho lol, it's like a stigma or something

[VIVANT]

Everyone I’m related to or friends with was always delighted or indifferent that I didn’t want to date. I’ve never experienced this. It would really piss me off for sure. I can see why you’d be irritated.

[Gopnik]

you think happiness comes from within, but there's so much a person can do or say before there is no point to it, you're beating a dead horse and you're the horse and the person who's beating it.
i have too much time for myself and i know what i need want and i know my goals in life and i am well on my way to reaching them, i'm actually ahead of schedule on that.
my happiness is just not there because of the loneliness.

[pizzalovershouse]

it hapoens it's wrong if said to some 1 but modt guys dont know most girls comfort level with sexy questions not less they say it once you become friends what off limits to say or ask guys asume if your a fried he can ask a girl any thing most my female friends I see in real life talk about sex like guys do

[MusicMayhem]

I'd just say I respect any potential girl too much to settle for them. Nobody wants to be with someone that doesn't like them back.

[AmyLuv]

Wanna act out a relationship with me? I have the same probelms haha

[megaman242]

I'm been single for over a year now and I would easily found some one, but I don't want a some one, I want the one. So I stay single until I do find that one.

[crazy8000]

The best thing is to don't give a shit what other's say and think, also to see people that comes with their nonsense as they doesn't know better and treat them as such.

[John_Doesnt]

It seems ridiculous to shame the single now, because there's more single people than people in a relationship.

[NYCQuestions1976]

I tried being married already. I'm immune to being single shamed.

[Éire1995]

Great take 👍 friends and parents I can deal with, but the extended family is the worst for it

[Gedaria]

No. you can have more fun single than tying to some guy just not to be single !!!