What is love? How men and women communicate and think differently!

This myTake it's something I've been thinking about a lot, but I was inspired to write it from a conversation I had with one of my good friends, Desconhecida. So you can thank her for her encouragement. (Assuming you like it that is. If you hate it, you can blame me. 😉) But I would like to talk about what love is, and how many people relate to each other differently when they think they are doing what the other person really wants.

Disclaimer: this is very much a bunch of generalizations, and there are exceptions. You can consider this the average, or even the most common occurrence among men and women. And if it really makes you feel better, you can take this as my personal perspective on men and women. However, it is generally understood to be this way. But there will always be exceptions, and sometimes there are a lot of exceptions.

What is love? How men and women communicate and think differently!


First off, we need to clarify our terms. Love especially. Because I can love a person, and I can love a donut. I can love my wife by holding her hair back at 2 in the morning as she vomits into the toilet while she's pregnant. I can also love her by buying her flowers and writing notes when she least expects them. So what is love?

Love is desiring what is good for the other person, for their own sake. That's it. It's very simple, but hard to do. It's wanting what is best, with no thought for yourself, and when lived out in daily life becomes a continuous outpouring of yourself for the sake of the other person. Now obviously, love can take different forms depending on what kind of personal relationship we are talking about. I can love a baby, and desire what is best for their sake. Change their diaper because they need it, feed them, clean them, and care for them. I can do the same for my aging grandfather. But the relationship will be very different because the people are different.


Being IN love, on the other hand, is a feeling of infatuation and commitment to another person. Overtime, if the relationship is healthy, it deepens into a sincere respect and appreciation of the other person, despite their flaws. It really becomes an attitude of wanting what is best for them, and continuously doing what is best for them, just because you love them.


Men and women, crazy as this sounds, are different. In fact, in some ways they are very different. This was highlighted when they did a test where they had a crowd of people and they posed a difficult choice. Would you rather be alone and unloved they asked, or inadequate and disrespected? Then something interesting happened. 90% of the women chose to be inadequate and disrespected. Everyone would choose this option they reasoned. Who would not want to be loved? But surprisingly, 90% of men preferred to be alone and unloved rather than inadequate and disrespected. From their paradigm, if there wasn't respect then there wouldn't even be real love.

What is love? How men and women communicate and think differently!

This difference shocked all sides, because they each assumed that their perspective was so obvious that no one which choose anything different. And yet this highlights a fundamental fact about us. Women desire unconditional love in a relationship. Men desire unconditional respect.

In our current time respect is confused as agreement and approval of all choices. That's not it, because otherwise that natural desire that men have would be ridiculous. What it is is an honoring of his ability to make good decisions. If he makes a bad one, it is honoring his ability to learn and grow better. If there is an assumption that a man will fail, he will often fail because he does not feel like he has to live up to anything. But if greatness is expected of him, it is much more likely that he will achieve it.

Women naturally desire unconditional love. They desire real affection and being continually chosen. This is a natural and good desire. They're not expecting to be put on a pedestal and worshiped, what they want is to be the first choice their husband makes. They want him to love them when they have put effort and time into making themselves look good, and they want to be loved when they feel like crap and they haven't taken a shower in days. And if they are loved like this, they will radiate life and love to others.

When a woman is not receiving unconditional love, that she so strongly desires, she will often cry. When a man is not receiving unconditional respect, that he so strongly desires, he will often get angry.

We also naturally give what we want most. Men will default with giving respect rather than love, thinking they are doing what their wife wants. So when she says she doesn't want to talk about something right now, she is feeling fine, he respects what she says and backs off. But for her, if you really loved her then he would keep pushing until he found out what was really bothering her.

What is love? How men and women communicate and think differently!


In another example, women consider it loving to help the man figure out directions so they can get to the place on time. If she tells him to stop and ask for directions or tells him what she thinks is a better route, then in her mind she is loving him by helping him so they can arrive on time and not be late. But for him, he wants to know that he has what it takes. That she respects his ability to find the way there on his own. That's why he gets angry when she is trying to help him, because he is feeling disrespected. And yet she's just trying to love him.
These situations, where the two different modes of relating clash, can often cause deep wounds when each person thinks they are doing what is best for the other and what the other wants. This is why in Ephesians 5, the Bible says, "Husbands love your wives.... wives respect your husbands." because women naturally already love their husbands, and men naturally already respect their wives. Now they just need to do the other mode as well.

This difference between men and women extends to the way in which they value themselves as well. Women value themselves based on the number and quality of their relationships. This is why they are so willing to talk about their emotional problems. It's a means of connecting with other people. This is also why they expect men to keep pushing when they say they're fine. Because not only is it a sign of love, but it's also what you do when you are trying to connect more deeply with people. This is her paradigm. Whereas for men, they value themselves based on the number and quality of their achievements. Men are always looking to achieve more and greater things. So we seek help from other people in order to achieve these things.

The classic way in which this plays out is a woman who is telling her man about the problems she is having. It is difficult and hard for her to deal with. So of course, being in the achievement mindset, he tries to help her fix it. Then she gets even more upset, and accuses him of not listening. He thinks he was listening because otherwise he wouldn't be able to help her to find the solution. But for her, she wasn't seeking his helping fixing it, she was seeking connection with him. That's what she meant by listening. She wanted his understanding, not his planning. So her attempts to connect frustrated both of them, because each person misunderstood what the other was actually wanting. You can see this highlighted really clearly in the video below.

But the more we come to know each other and our differences, and the more we make an effort to bridge that gap and to have a permanent state of our Will oriented towards the other person, the more of a massive foundation we build throughout our relationship. And as you start to get older the foundation gets so strong that those infatuation feelings again start rising up, and do so continuously. That's the old couple who hold hands in the mall. They learn to love each other so much that doing something for the other person feels like you're doing it for yourself. And so when one dies the other often very quickly follows.

This is what love is. And when it is romantic and sexual as well, it can forge a relationship that will last a lifetime. A relationship where despite the difficulties and occasional times of dryness, a foundation can be built that is so strong that the relationship will never crumble. It will last until they are old and wrinkly, and yet they see each other as more beautiful and more attractive than they ever did when they were young.

What is love? How men and women communicate and think differently!
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Most Helpful Girls

  • This is amazing!! I totally agree with this, my goodness. I thought of something similar too but you said it in a far better way.

    For me I believed that men want to be more appreciated for what they do and for women it's more about who they are as people (doesn't mean that they remain stagnant). What better example than the fact that, in bed, men are more conscious about their performance while women are more concerned about their appearance? xD No seriously though this is what men and women attach their self worth to. Think about a man. If he doesn't earn a lot he feels inadequate. If he doesn't have a prestigious job he feels inadequate. If she doesn't have a the perfect face and body she feels inadequate. If she doesn't have a certain skin tone she feels inadequate. It's not 100% though. There are exceptions like men's height or women's past relationships.

    Keeping that aside, I think the key to making a man happy is showing gratitude in ways like, suppose making his favorite food when you know he had a hard day or if he likes taking hot baths after exercise then keeping the bathroom ready for him when he is back from the gym, showing that you notice and appreciate what he does and do things that would help him go on and achieve what he is targeting. For making a woman happy you could do something like, suppose you went to the mall with her and she wanted to buy a REALLY pretty dress but she became really sad when she saw it didn't fit her body well, so one day you surprised her with the same dress altered by tailoring to fit her body perfectly, which would make her really happy.

    I don't necessarily think they are key to a long lasting relationship or whatever, just actions that convey a sweet message that would make your partner really happy. Your myTake is really beautiful.

    @battooot READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS AAAAAA

    Is this still revelant?
    • Grond21

      Thank you!!!

      You are on to something there. If a man is appreciated by showing that you believe he has what it takes, he will be happy. And for a woman, if you show that she is worthy of love, no matter what, then she will be happy

    • Grond21

      And I think you should write a MyTake

    • I'm not very good at giving such advice 😂 especially not when I can't even relate with people here because of having a completely different upbringing from Western people.

    • Show All
  • "It will last until they are old and wrinkly, and yet they see each other as more beautiful and more attractive than they ever did when they were young." ~ your words couldn't be more beautiful and they way you explained was perfect.

    It seems so simple and yet we've never imagined it could be like that until we read it.

    Thanks, my friend, for sharing this with all of us. It was a wonderful take!💋

    Is this still revelant?
    • Grond21

      My pleasure, and thank you so much for encouraging me to write it!

    • You are my everything. Nothing really matters but the love you bring.

    • Grond21

      @vivaldi What?

Most Helpful Guys

  • Ceol69

    Something on a side note:

    When we find love for another, English language have a very beautiful way of expressing it.. "Fall in love".

    We do not call it, fly in love, rise in love, come in love but fall. Because something of you has to fall in order for there to be space for something new.
    When this happens we unconsciously open up a small gap to the cosmos and this is also the reason why many are so enlightened in their relationships.

    You explained it in general very beautifully. It was a pleasure to read Grond!

    Is this still revelant?
  • utterlyconfusedXD

    tldr just came for this... *clears throat*
    what is love, baby dont hurt me, dont hurt me, no more

    Is this still revelant?

What Girls & Guys Said

1934
  • Iwant2kno

    It’s a nice myTake, I can see you put a lot of effort defining such a complex feeling/word that has never being fully defined and nevertheless understood by humanity. It’s nice to see you have an understanding of it.

    • Grond21

      Thank you!

    • Far too much text you should of bulletpoint or put large titles at points of interest so people can read what interests them

    • Porcelaine

      @Cocacolaaddict yes pls do that next time

    • Show All
  • Awhh this is so sweet 😍

  • anon1903

    well

  • There is a lot of text here. I unfortunately don't read too much but while I'm sure this is all good stuff especially with apple1996 s endorsement but I'd consider making chapters or having key point dividers whenever possible it helps to break it up and make it easier to follow but I will read it a little bit later

    • I'm trying to plow through. Love and respect is an interesting concept. I love the idea

    • Not love cry and no respect angry really interesting

    • Very interesting as guys give respect yet women want men to keep asking to find out the problem

    • Show All
  • Passinggas

    Once upon a time, this would have made good translational poetry but in today’s world women only have remnants these behaviors because they are mostly masked by man-hate indoctrination. What we really have out there are feminist-bots with the instinctive ability to manipulate by many of the innate tools you have outlined. If you go out into the world with this mindset you have pasted, you will become minced meat.

    • R_Cakes91

      Ooooh trust me, there’s a whole world of manipulative men out there too.

    • Grond21

      There are definitely both.

      @passinggass And a mature caution is always important.

    • Passinggas

      "mature caution" really? for whom?

    • Show All
  • UnicornLobotomy

    An optimal and mutually beneficial transactional relationship. Since we are a sexually dimorphic species, not just regarding sexual reproduction organs and faculties, but our brains and how they think are thus different as well. Males have the role of competition mating strategy to procure mates, males were the protectors, warriors, and hunters. Women stayed with other women and cared for the old, the children, and the litany of chores surrounding those situations. Eventually the competition for resources and knowledge as well expanded methods for the acquisition of food and keeping the territory. Today, we are still those same people, physically and mentally, however infrastructure, luxury goods and services, transportation and communication advancements have created social and individual delema's and dissonances within our instinctual/genetically ingrained psychological processes. Men have sacrificial "love", women have contractual "love", even though women's nurturing nature and kind soft touch might seem disconnected from that statement. There is too much to unpack here. There are different types of love and as such there are different contexts and people they are applied to. There are no universal definitions, but you know it when you see. (at least you think you do)

  • luvstoned4him

    Woe.. Are u sure u weren't a writer in another life? Excellent Mytake. Love and respect are very important. Very eye opening

  • candyaurora

    Nice Take. Agree on most of the things mentioned. But I would like to ask do men like to be respected as a student would respect a teacher? Meaning do men expect their wives to obey and not put forward any suggestions of their own? Because if this is the kind of respect men want then it would be difficult for most women

    • ecfresh

      No, that kind of power dynamic doesn’t make sense in a marriage. Both the man and woman have strengths and experiences and should be able to step up and add value to the marriage depending on the circumstances. If the wife never adds suggestions or never takes the lead then all the pressure is on the husband and as a couple they can only ever achieve what he could as an individual. Married partners achieve beyond the individual capacities due to working together and giving to each other.

      Men want respect that is based on trust. For example if your husband says he has made the decision to go back to college and this will mean a few nights a week that he will be taking classes he wants you to respect and support his decision. He doesn’t want you to complain that it’s less quality time and that you will feel lonely without him those nights. He wants you to see him as an adult and not judge the decision negatively. If you trust your husband you should be able to respect his larger decisions just like he respects your decisions in life.

      But at all times you should communicate and share your feelings. You have every right to say ‘I am not looking forward to you having class twice a week when we could be spending time together but i understand you want to better yourself and that it’s not forever so I will support your goal and know it ultimately benefits our marriage in the long run’ On a much smaller scale if he suggests Mexican for dinner and you already had Mexican food for lunch you should speak out and suggest Chinese instead; that’s not being disrespectful but that’s being honest and forthcoming.

    • Grond21

      Yeah, basically what @ecfresh said

    • @ecfresh wow great explanation thanks!

    • Show All
  • Jammers14

    You just wrote a novel.
    Your friend must talk a lot.

    What is love?
    Love is a feeling not a thought.

    • Grond21

      Actually, I think I talk more than she does.

      When someone does not feel those feelings and yet still does something entirely for the other person sake, we call it loving.

      Love is a feeling, but it is also far more than a feeling.

    • You are my everything. Nothing really matters but the love you bring.

  • Wow this was very informative! Makes a lot of sense when i think back on arguments with past boyfriends and current. Thanks for a great take!☺️👍

    • Grond21

      My pleasure! I'm glad you liked it

  • chriswohlleben01

    Love is the emotional relationship between two people... when one is in love the feeling is indescribable... it's like they could pretty much do anything and you would not look at them any differently... love is not one of those words you can just sum up real quick just super intense emotion

  • Sammy6Gunz

    Great look on love. I like the line in 'the wedding crashers'

    "love is your souls recognition in its counterpoint in another"

  • HungLikeAHorsefly

    tl;dr but I'm about 85% sure it involves hard fucking and nachos.

  • kanelives

    This is a beautiful take. I am very thankful that you were encouraged to post it, and that you actually did. I certainly hope to remember this years from now when I do eventually find that special someone.

  • TheFarStar

    The happy feeling u get while thinking or being with someone is love. It can also be considered love if u r afraid of loosing sm1...

    Well i agree with your facts too.
    by the way i think i would never be in a relationship where m disrespected. In my opinion if sm1 loves me, he would try to respect me as well.

  • PanInHiding

    Very insightful, well articulated, and relatable. Me and my partner have been struggling a bit for the past several months, but you helped me realize I'm not the only sure spider sufferer in the situation, i just haven't picked up on his feelings because i don't think like that unless i try.

    Im gonna try to relate on his level and stop being so self centered and selfish.

    Thank you so much for sharing, i want to save my life with this person... i never understood the concept of genuine romantic love before him (and was cocky enough to think that i did).

    Thank you again!

    • Grond21

      Thank you! What do you mean by spider sufferer?

      Often when there are problems in the relationship, the best solution is to work on ourselves and how we are contributing to them. Even if it's really painful.

      I hope you do find that genuine romantic love with him and get to spend the rest of your life experiencing it

  • Denniszen

    Love is a confluence of many feelings. Its understanding that people experience things differently and are effected differently as well.

    Love is compassion, loyalty and dedication honesty and forgiveness in varying an constantly changing perportions.

  • MissDawn7961

    love comes from the heart ! If a man loves a woman , then he cares about her in all ways ! like her health , happiness and always wants what is best for her at all times and in return she feels the same way about him ! Like Jesus loved us all so much that he took all the pain and died on the cross for all to go to live with him in heaven ! all we have to do is obey the gospel and be buried with Christ in baptism ! For more information about Christ , you can read the bible , talk to God and join the chat with Dawn Heistand about church at face book ! Thanks

    • You are my everything. Nothing really matters but the love you bring.

  • goaded

    That's a very well written take, and it rings true to me (apart, perhaps, from the last paragraph - more beautiful? Maybe not, but always the one for me.)

    Love the Nail video.

  • daddy1995

    One of the problems for women is that women believe in their dreams more than reality, and then find themselves disappointed that the prince would never have lived happily with them until the last day of life. Many men are silent or simply do not know how to express their desires with words. You must guess!

  • MrWigglesworth

    Dont care if there commited to each other through marriage. Women lately continully sneak off instead of addressing the issues even while getting that same so called love u speak of

  • JeremyT

    We don't see love and relationships the same way. Men and women have to understand that. And your text is great, it's in line with "men from Mars..." Book.

  • someginger

    Ok surprised no one has done this yet but guess I have to be the one

    🎶What is love baby don't hurt me🎶

  • SomeGuyCalledTom

    Good take, would share outside of GaG if I hadn't already committed to anonymity here lol

  • Emmalouise03

    what is love? baby don't hurt me don't hurt me.. no more..

    • You are my everything. Nothing really matters but the love you bring.

  • Very nice myTake, but I can't really relate to it. Keep it up though.

  • Felinegirl

    Interesting. Depending on the paragraph, I felt more like a man or a woman.

    I'm practical. If we can't find the way, I see no shame in asking. I find problem solving skills to be very respectable, more so than stubbornness.

    On the other hand, I would never say I'm fine when I want him to keep pushing. My (male) ex did that all the time though, and it drove me mad that he never said what he actually felt.

    I would choose like a woman in the experiment though. I think loneliness is terrible.

    Sometimes I like to rant rather than hear solutions - but that's because I've already thought of all the obvious ones before speaking up. If he doesn't listen, he's just going to keep offering solutions that won't work >:( if he has useful advice I'd love to hear it, but if I say that won't work, I do need him to take my word for it.

  • Yeah I don't anyone can really say what love is nor describe it's a weird feeling I infidelity do not get it at all not even a little

  • highjinx

    It's a night at the Roxbury.

  • Smegskull

    Men invented god so that something would love men the way men love women and women love children.

    • Yeah its quite sad really how women don't love men

    • Smegskull

      Evolutionary psychology is a bitch.

    • You win, Fatal

    • Show All
  • Cask23

    Lust is when she gives you a blow job. Love is when she swallows.

  • themomo84

    Insecurity is not l9ve when you're holding on desperately. Alone FTW

  • FancyPantz

    Will text. I really like the last paragraph. 😊

    • Grond21

      Thank you!

    • You are my everything. Nothing really matters but the love you bring.

    • FancyPantz

      @Vivaldi Aah, pretty words. But, since you've professed your love for several women on this very site, I do not believe your intentions to be true. Good luck and Good day sir.

  • Alfie_Solomons

    Love does not exist. People just use each other for things.

  • OLDandWISER

    Love is a chemical reaction in the brain. But its OK it only effect you for 5 to 7 years..

  • Mamamialetmego

    Love is just a high amounts of sexual desire towards someone.

    • Although women don't understand between sexual love and friendship type love. A lot of married women say "well i love my hubby but i don't desire him much." Well to me love is strong sexual desire with emotional connection. If you don't desire your love that's not love that's affection. You may share common interests and beliefs but it doesn't mean you will desire sexually. This what women can't understand.

  • clouden

    It a chemical reaction in you're brain plain n simple

  • Porcelaine

    Nice take

  • the_face_of_god

    Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more.

  • CasaNorba

    is nothing but temporary brain chemistry

  • needhelp777

    Thank u

    • You are my everything. Nothing really matters but the love you bring.

  • ManOnFire

    I think I would agree with a lot of this, yes.

  • fulloflife

    This wouldve saved lots of marriages

  • ImagineSketchy

    Very nice myTake.

  • drindyjones00

    Love is complicated.

  • cheekylad

    Soul mate love

    • verolove

      I want a soulmate too let's chat on WhatsApp 8624143196 or hangout veronicaspillman100@gmail

    • Grond21

      @verolove I would suggest not putting your private information out in public like that. There are a number of good people on here. Start talking and getting to know them, and you may find someone. But putting your private information up is only asking for stalkers. And so for your safety, I'm going to remove your comment

    • verolove

      Ok thanks just looking for a good friend I'm new here so I'm trying to get friends

    • Show All
  • Anonymous

    waste of time

  • Anonymous

    Yep. I agree with most of this.

  • Anonymous

    Great take! Very insightful. I enjoyed reading it :)

  • Anonymous

    Women don't love they get happy they are being taken care of, their feelings are for your provision not for you I heard a quote before women don't like boys they like cars and money which is so true because women love you for providing for them not for who you are.

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