Why We Need To Stop Referring To Men As Controlling

Why We Need To Stop Referring To Men As Controlling

Often times, we'll hear a story about a controlling boyfriend or ex.

He doesn't like when I go out and wants to keep me home. He's so controlling!

My ex was crazy and controlling, so I broke up with him.

Most times, the word controlling is used to describe a person who is very focused on achieving a certain goal by by force or coercion, often in a domineering or overbearing manner.

Of course, this doesn't just have to apply to men, but to women as well, family members, friends, supervisors, anyone, etc. However, women in relationships have a bad habit of accepting bad behavior and chalking it up to the guy being controlling.

I've been guilty of thinking of certain people as controlling as well. The problem is, when we start to think of someone as "controlling," we don't always immediately realize how much that impacts our own way of thinking about them, ourselves, and our relationship with that person.

There's a major part of reality that we are missing when we are calling someone controlling, and that is the fact that no one can control you.

You are the only one in control over your own life, no one else. Not your boyfriend, girlfriend, boss, friend, whoever. You are a grown ass adult and you can do what you want. Saying that someone is controlling is actually giving them too much credit. It would be more accurate to say they are TRYING to control you, but they can't succeed unless you ALLOW them to.

The thinking that someone has control over you is forfeiting your own power that you are innately born with.

No one has any power over you unless you voluntarily give it to them.

This is a mindset shift and it has helped me tremendously in many different areas in life, both personally and professionally. It's a mentality that is essential if you don't want to be taken advantage of.

And ladies, men are just people like you. They aren't your boss or authority figure so why let them try to behave as if they are?

One you internalize this, it will be easier to put your foot down and draw boundaries for those who are trying to control or manipulate you. If you are met with resistance, there's always the consequence of leaving the person or situation.

Your time is too precious to waste it combating those who are driven by hate, jealousy, or envy.

Be careful about this though. Keep in mind that you can't control them either. You can only control your response to them.

Your time is also too valuable to waste it trying to change the behavior of those who don't deserve to be a part of your life anyway.

Why We Need To Stop Referring To Men As Controlling
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Most Helpful Girls

  • lumos

    Wow. This completely dismisses the effects of manipulation and abuse. I suggest you read up on those from a psychological standpoint.

    If a person hits you across the face multiple times, that person is physically abusive. There's no way around it. Saying "oh you shouldn't call that person physically abusive because *you allowed them to hit you*" is absolutely insane. The same goes for calling someone controlling or manipulative. If the person behaves in a way where they're trying to control other people through either subtle or direct manipulation, well, that's what they're fucking doing. Trying to put the responsibility on the person who is being manipulated does not change that fact in the slightest.

    Is this still revelant?
    • I submitted an article on it yesterday but it was removed.

    • I have it on my website: damesthatknow.com/.../

    • mspotaytuh

      👏👏👏👏👏👏

    • Show All
  • Ok hold on there girl, it's not a black and white thing. Describing someone as controlling doesn't mean I let them control me, or keep controlling me if i already let them. I can still recognize that someone is trying to have control over my personal life and all, without letting it control me. Doesn't mean that I can't describe him as 'controlling'. Yeah sure, you don't have to let him control you, leave that relationship immediately what are you waiting for?

    But yeah, if you know what I mean, you know what I mean.

    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Guys

  • FlirtWithMeeee

    I totally agree with all you wrote. Well said! However I was a little thrown off by your title. I don't think we need to "stop referring to men as controlling" but start understanding what controlling is and what it means to be controlled.

    Is this still revelant?
    • Good point. Thank you.

  • newkinkboy1818

    Sounds good in theory but try telling all those unfortunate souls that have been groomed, manipulated, abused, threatened, punished, brainwashed that they are in control

    Is this still revelant?
    • This is true. I submitted a MyTake yesterday more about this, but it was removed because it had been previously punlished on my blog: damesthatknow.com/.../

What Girls & Guys Said

1321
  • SydneySentinel

    Mindset shift, absolutely. I like this. Good writing, darlin!

  • ActiveSh1tter

    Women are more controlling and abusive than men. Difference is society let's them get away with it.

    • mspotaytuh

      ew...

    • What an utterly disgusting and vile human being.

    • Show All
  • 1truekhaleesi

    Whoever hurt you and allowed you to think this way is an asshole. My ex was controlling and manipulative because someone hurt him, and he never resolved his issues. I'm breaking the cycle and not allowing him to define me.

  • xyz94

    Controlling is a word because that type of person exists. If a man behaves in a certain way that qualifies as being controlling, then I'd rather just use that word!

  • Porcelaine

    Yes noone can control you, but some people sure try hard. And they will be called controlling. Nothing wrong with that word.

  • Hai_tis_E

    I just recently ended things with a guy because he would always get upset over what I was wearing and who I was hanging out with. It took me a while to realise that he was just trying to manipulate me by acting upset into just being his "perfect person". I changed who I was and how I acted for him which is a really crap thing to do to yourself.

    • Hai_tis_E

      In the end nothing was "good enough" for him because I couldn't change who I was.

  • Rosea

    If a guy controls you, but calm and try to understand what makes him does that. Sometimes it may be so jealous because he loves you so much, so it left for find out why all this are happening to you ok.

    • If someone is extremely jealous, it is usually due to a lack of self esteem and fears of losing the person they value. However, in a good relationship, those fears are unfounded and irrational. There's nothing you can do about irrational fears except to tell the person there's no need. But after awhile, that kind of behavior just isn't acceptable. Unless they want to change, there's nothing you can do but leave.

  • I agree. Its the same mindset Gene Sharp talks about from Dictatorship to Democracy which explains how to do regime change. Its for activists but he says that a dictator can only be in that position because his people keep lending their support to the regime. Be it logistically, financially, morally, emotionally, spiritually or otherwise. I personally find that power in relationships should be decentralized, like a democracy, but only between the partners.

  • HeavyRoller

    Perfectly written and spot on. There IS controlling behavior but the behavior only controls you if you let it. And you should never let it. Nice job on this.

  • Djaay

    That all of a sudden awareness of someone else trying to control you , is really the exact moment you just lost control of yourself in that manner and your making yourself angry at the other when really you should put yourself in check and make that change.
    It always starts with you , and without blaming the other for your own demise , look in the mirror and make that change.
    And when you do that , the other person will see that and become more supporting of your change.

  • Great, that's true. I think your worded this nicely so that people who tend to forfeit their power want to gain it back. I know I'm the kind of person who can be "too nice" and let himself be controlled because I don't want to hurt people. But I have learned that, if I don't stand my ground, I will end up way more hurt that they would be if I stand my ground. I don't want to compromise myself for others anymore.

  • lernulo

    Problem with it, is that you must confront the afraid to freedom, and assume your actions.
    I know many women who likes controlling men, because so they have an excuse to why things go bad, instead of bet for a good relation.

  • yourbuttsniffer

    But when women are the ones doninating and abusing their pet of a man it goes unseen

    • RickPen

      The woman can also receive praise for "being strong," or some other term, the man may be called a few names, or people just ignore it as normal. It can swing both ways, but in the past years, I've seen more of what I've described than the inverse.

    • When a woman is abusive she's praised as courageous and strong. Such bullshit lmao the same action with a man and people view it as abusive.

      I dont care cAuse i love female domination in the bed room and am pretty dominant all around so i get the best of both

  • coralee

    I think your taking a really complicated issue and simplifying it to the extreme. Sure this may be true for minor controlling behaviour, but it misses the nuance that exists in these types of relationships. Abusers (male or female) do not start at 100 percent. It starts small and gradually builds. It might start out as simple as complaining that your spending too much time with your friends. And then it often build subtly overtime until it gets to a point that you don't know when it got that bad.

    Then you feel guilt and embarrassed for it getting that bad. And because we always like to see the best in the people we love, you start coming up with reasons why it isn't bad as you think it is. Your entire post takes a really complicated topic that impact thousands of men and women and turning it into this simple quick fix. It isn't that easy and if it was people wouldn't get stuck in abusive cycles.

  • Dav1ss

    Your right and I suppose to a degree eive done it let someone control me but in the same way I've controlled others it's a weird thing

  • Well I agree 💯

    While I think often times people DO use it in the way where someone has control over them

    -Like my boyfriend won’t let me do c y z

    Or would you let your partner do x y z

    Every time I’m like “what... 😐🤦‍♀️“

    -I also think it is used to shorten the meaning of having the kind of personality that leans towards trying to control those around them.. so the person is not saying they are effective but that they are the type who wishes to be

    As for myself, I do try to make sure I add “ trying” when I talk about things like “insulting” “hurting” “ controlling” etc Bc I don’t want it interpreted wrong.

    But many people I think , also believe others do have that power over them. So there is that too. Like they see it as normal.

  • 2os4ngeles

    The thing is, though, it's a battle, and sometimes you lose the battle.

  • SoupDeJour

    Insecure about self gives the controller comfort? You are correct. "Only" if you let the control take over. You have "mad skills" in analogy.

  • Very true. You are right. Now can i have my coffee now? 😜😎

  • Xurik

    There is a flip side to this and it's that often people will consider any "rules" from their partner controlling and abusive out of a childish need to be free of expectations (the classic "fuck you mom and dad, you're not the boss of me" carried over to adulthood). If both can't communicate that some behaviours are unacceptable (also why, why is important) and enforce that as a condition of the relationship instead of just rolling over and accepting them, you're relationship is fragile and not worth a damn.

  • Sabretooth

    so long as i'm kept in the know and respects my decisions-she's pretty much free to do as she wants.

  • tootoot

    Its called dominance, not controlling

    • There is a distinctive difference.

  • Cherokeehp

    Are you dumb?

  • Grobmate

    Very well said.

  • TonyBologna25

    Great take

  • Thatsamazing

    Wise words, gal.

  • Blondegypsy23

    Men will always be in control

  • WarDaddy1969

    Yes you should my preciouses

  • Anonymous

    This is why I was so tired of my mom complaining about my dad. She stayed married until he died-50 years. Claimed she was a victim, but also said he didn't control her... whatever...

  • Anonymous

    If they're controlling im going to call them CONTROLLING. wtf

  • Anonymous

    Damn, who hurt you?

  • Anonymous

    It seems pretty obvious that you have been hurt badly in the past.

  • Anonymous

    What if he physically attacks you for not submitting tho
    What if you live in a culture where divorce is prohibited

    • Poppykate

      I agree with this. Her thinking is very typical ‘white middle class America’. She will tell me she isn’t, but my opinion still holds true. Her theory is (in part) correct, because we have a culture that ‘allows’ women to have rights. Right to earn their own money, right to drive, right to walk alone etc. Not every country is so lucky. I think when we try to put ourselves in another person’s shoes and try to understand them, our point of views become less black and white.

    • I he needs to use physical force thats basically saying he doesn't have a leg to stand on. The relationship is already over, the girl just keeps staying with him. If divorce is prohibited, then thats a matter of your culture and your society at large. Cultural and political changes will need to be made for the whole society.

  • Anonymous

    I agree women need to quit blaming every little thing on men and take some responsibility good on ya lady

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