Why dating a friend was a lot more surprising than I thought it would be

Why dating a friend was a lot more surprising than I thought it would be

I promise this won't be long.
Tonight is the first night in a while, I'm spending at my place, after days, weeks of staying non-stop at my girlfriend's place because she would get upset if I tried to leave.
And since I'm spending the night alone, I could quietly sort out my thoughts.
And a question kept popping up in my mind:
It is realistically possible that someone who brings so much light, positivity and happiness in your life, and genuinely means to do that; can also be so dark and frightening at times?

I mean, not that there's anything wrong or going badly right now. Our relationship is going well and is really improving my life. But I can't help but ruminate on some things.

Even though I have known her for years, I'm discovering a lot of new things about her, things I would have never expected.

Why dating a friend was a lot more surprising than I thought it would be

She used to be my senior and my tutor back in high school, and we were close friends enough for me to assume I knew her well, and instead I keep getting surprised at every turn. Not that I'm complaining, of course!

For example, I knew she was a photographer and an amateur artist among other things. She's been introducing me to her hobbies and tutoring me in them as well, I'm learning a lot and I enjoy being her apprentice and assistant in that.
I assumed I knew everything, or almost everything about her, but she's been revealing more and more surprising stuff as of late.

First thing I learned, that I didn't expect, was her love for the macabre
Given her lively, positive and propositive personality, I didn't really expect that. I started getting some glimpses of it when she started screening me some of her favorite movies (horror in great part) and taking me to ghost towns, abandoned farmsteads and graveyards to make trips and take photos. This part was somewhat easy to understand for me since my ex had similar tastes even if she wasn't very creative or proactive about it. What I didn't expect, was something else...

Her extensive and prolific artistic work in the years of University

Why dating a friend was a lot more surprising than I thought it would be

When we fell off each other's radar after high school (she graduated three years before me after all) I thought I had been pretty busy in finishing my education, getting and spearheading a career and getting involved in cultural initiatives (I'm vice president of provincial EPBC) and local politics, but apparently in comparison to her I was slacking off.

Why dating a friend was a lot more surprising than I thought it would be

She studied and got her University degree; and at the same time worked and made herself a name in enogastronomy. Not only that, I just discovered she self-published a short story book, three photographic albums (I was bragging about publishing one myself and having a second on the way like an idiot), acted in a couple of independent movies and did some posing on the side.

And by talking with some people in the scene, I learned that some years ago she was quite notorious for being aggressively competitive and even slightly cutthroat in getting involved in the best projects - I heard both good and bad talk about her.

But I was absolutely flabbergasted by how much she has accomplished in so many years and felt absolutely humbled on my own accomplishments. Really, I did practically nothing compared to her. She has so much going on for herself, yet she looked me out after my break up.

It's something I'm having a legitimate hard time in understanding. I really don't know why she felt so much about wasting time with me when I was still hurt and rancorous about my break up. And still now, she's concretely planning a future together.

Naturally, I don't think it's the case to get envious or an inferiority complex by making comparisons - I'm of the opinion that if anything, it should be a stimulus to keep doing my best and try to live my life to fullest like she's doing with hers.

What are your toughts?
Have you ever had a similar experience?

Why dating a friend was a lot more surprising than I thought it would be
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Most Helpful Guys

  • I have found over the last few weeks of reading your stuff that you are a very passionate and have an extreme sort of self awareness to you.

    In most of your stuff I have found this sort of "NOT GOOD ENOUGH" type feelings... for either the person you are with or how you feel about yourself. I also don't think you particularly care for my opinions because there really is no continuation after I comment...

    So I will just say this piece here sounds like an inspiration which is great and probably is the way you see it... but the way you write it is much more of feeling inferior... which I hope is not the case!
    Is this still revelant?
    • To be honest, I always appreciate your opinions even if maybe I don't show it.
      My biggest issue is that I tend to procrastinate replying to opinions that I find engaging like those from you and other G@gers, and I either end up forgetting altogether or failing to come up with the right words to reply.
      It's not that I don't feel "good enough", it's just that I feel genuinely more and more humbled when I discover all her achievements over the past years. I brag about mine like an idiot while she doesn't, and hers are much more big and considerable than mine.
      I think a bit it's my fault since she was already very goal-driven and the best back in high school, and I think I did the mistake of underestimating and overestimating myself.

    • I wish you nothing but the best and hope you succeed in life and in love!

    • Thank you!

    • Show All
  • Massageman
    I never had an experience like you had, that's for sure! Well written, too!
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girls

  • Screenwriter
    Yes, it's not about how you have to one up each other. Each has their own niche. Jayz was a power producer and recorder before Beyonce. She slowly climbed into notoriety and she's at the top now. I haven't heard much about Jayz. But he's 10+years older than her and he might've done what he's wanted to and is hanging in the background while she does her thing. You're several years behind her and you have different personalities. You just can't compare people. If she's with you, she wants to be. Be happy. Each of you do your thing. If she's not complaining, you shouldn't either.
    Is this still revelant?
    • You are right and brought up an excellent example.
      I admit I still feel a little overwhelmed and intimidated by her, even if she doesn't want me to.
      I'm proud of her being so bright and multi-talented, but sometimes I can't help but wonder what I can seriously offer her that she hasn't already.

    • This is a conversation I have with my 24 year old son who is just starting out in audio support work. He's poor, no car. Seems down on himself. I say, if a woman wants a rich man, she won't want you, but if she wants someone with a warm personality who's a thinker and likes to hike, she'll like you. He'll have some money someday. But as a person, he's valuable already. She sees what she values in you now. Ask her about it to boost your ego if you need to...

  • DorkVader
    I'm happy for your relationship success in finding such an accomplished woman! I worry that you think she is somehow better than you or out of your league or something, and I want you to know that she doesn't feel that way. Life isn't a checklist of accomplishments, so don't make your relationship about keeping score. Trumpet your successes and her successes (as you are on the same team, yes?) Be the best power couple you can be.
    Is this still revelant?
    • You are absolutely right, I understand it'd be ridicolous and detrimental to the relationship if I saw it as a competition or kept checklists.
      It's surely a bit overwhelming at first, but you are right that we can concentrate on doing great and good things together!

    • DorkVader

      Thanks for MHO!

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • nerms123
    She’s a woman who sees what she wants, goes after it, and gets it. i think she knows you and sees you as a compatible match and that’s why she pursued you. I think she has a very logical and practical side to her. As long as you’re happy then everything is ok. If at some point you feel uncomfortable or anything then you can reevaluate but for now it seems like a beneficial connection especially if it inspires you in your own work.
    • That's true, she was like that in high school as well.
      You are right that it's something positive, we can do great things together I think.

  • lightbulb27
    no similar experience.

    interesting patterns... in art.
    I find it fascinating these women go for you when you are down (sister, xgf, gf). I suspect they see value in you due to the politics and position... which would be some underlying drive and passion.

    i have to wonder if they are all controlling and needy... it sounds like it, but the last one sounds better. fascinating... I'm listening like a kid watching a scary movie with a bucket of popcorn... for what happens next.
    • They all say it's because I always do and say interesting things and stuff like that, but I don't see much of the point since she did a lot more interesting stuff between photos, books and movies so to say

    • it's a case where I wish I could meet you all in real life, learn much from that. It's clear the pattern is there... all 3 seem to be from the same pea pod in some ways. I believe in "energy"... we draw certain things to us. It's ok, not a problem, and maye it is't always true.

    • Linda625


  • yoganshB
    Nice presentation. I haven't dated anyone yet so I can't relate completely to you but I have some things that I can talk about. I'm just a 16 year old kid who is curious about everything and fascinates about things that are impossible for him. I come from a not so rich family of a not so big village near a small town. I made it clear that I'm not like others here. I am not a hard worker but if I get some interest in something I'll go behind it until I get it. Just a few months ago I got a golden reward for my works. I was selected as a guest of Indian government for a few days to participate in various activities for us ( children's and officials). The pariksha par charcha 2.0 event was streamed over 50 countries and I came in the focus about 10 times. The pm of India Mr Narendra Modi himself spoke for any an half an hour and as a vvv IP guest I was able to watch him from the front seat. That was a memorable small journey. Now after being honoured by so many people and govt officials I'm not yet satisfied because when I met different people from different localities some of them were so inspiring that I felt that it's just a starting. I am still working on my way past the difficulty I have.

    -I'm determined to prove that everyone can reach the heights. It doesn't matter if you have resources or not.
  • luvstoned4him
    A very detailed piece.

    I sense that you feel intimidated by her success but I just want you to know that we dont get everything at once. some of us take time but God has a plan for everyone. He sent her into your life and its nice to have someone who can inspire and encourage you to be your best everyday.
  • Porcelaine
    She she seems like the right partner for you so far. Exactly what you needed after your ex. Someone who is inspiring you to be better on every way and healthier too. I hope you dont feel like you need to compete just maybe push yourself harder or not allow yourself to be lazy if you want some kind of accomplishments too. As for the darker side stuff well noone is perfect, but what you describe seems kinda mild and harmless. Dating a friend is the best, those relationships end up being the best because they have a real foundation instead of just attraction or sex.
    • Thank you for your kind words, I wholeheartedly appreciate them.
      You are right that it'd be ridiculous if I got in competition with her especially since she doesn't see it as such, but it can be surely a motivation to work harder and even work together on things.
      It's surely a nice change from my ex who wouldn't do anything.

    • Right partners in our lives always make us want to be a better version of ourselves and keep improving. I think she has the exact kind of influence.

    • Very true.
      I admit it can be a little overwhelming at first, but after all relationships are like that sometimes!

    • Show All
  • Avicenna
    If she didn't think highly of you, she wouldn't be with you.
  • sersss
    Thats some lady you' ve got there! A rare specimen these days. Her achievents and modesty say a lot about her. I wouldn't recommend competing with her! You'll get morally crushed and lagg behind. Rather become equal partners or pursue results in different carreer than hers and everything should be fine.
  • CubsterShura
    It's okay, everyone's journey in life is different and you might not get anything big in life until your mid-30's or something. Don't feel bad, your girlfriend lives you.
  • Omar5881
    You shouldn't be "humbled " by her accomplishes you should be proud you ain't in a competition plus dont ruin what you have with overthinking you're lucky and in a beautiful relationship so enjoy every minute of it
  • stardust101
    I still think your girlfriend is controlling as I have previously mentioned to you on another post of your’s. You’ve been struggling with feelings of not feeling good enough in your life and your current girlfriend came at the perfect time in your life when you were completely vulnerable after your breakup. You already appear to be very attached to your current girlfriend and it’s obvious you think very highly of her. I know for me when it came to dating friends in the past, I saw a side of them I didn’t see before when we weren’t dating and that normal. Afterwards though, they start to feel like a whole new person to me and not the “friend” I knew before we dated. But, those are just my experiences
  • blissshine
    I wish you nothing but the best and hope you succeed in life and in love!
  • Blue_bunni
    Very good article. Friends are the best but it’s very hard to go back to just being friends
  • Wowgirl30q
    Well written sir
  • Jltakk
    Eh, be happy. Plenty of friends I wanted to date but the chance never came
  • ask4any
    Your starting to worry me son!
    • Don't worry it's alright more or less

    • Linda625

      Why are you worry?

    • ask4any

      That answer includes private convo's between the asker and myself. My comment on him worrying me was rhetorical.

    • Show All
  • No can't say I have
  • Many parts of that sound eerily familiar...
  • Anonymous
    That sounds great and very interesting story to read! I'm thinking of dating one of my guy friends. He's been in love with me for some time but I have been afraid to give it a chance in case attraction doesn't grow and it doesn't work and that ruins our friendship. The more time I spend with him though the more great things I see in him and I find him more physically attractive too. It'd almost be like a dream come true if things could work out romantically between us because we have such a deep emotional connection that we'd be a very strong couple. Stories like these bring me hope! Your girlfriend sounds really cool but you shouldn't put her on a pedestal like you do in this text! Relationships are the healthiest when they're equal, don't ever see your partner as better than yourself.
  • Anonymous
    You promised it wouldn’t be long 😞
  • Anonymous
    I had a friend a long time ago, I wanted to be with, but I made a mistake and it ruined my chances
    I think God closes and opens doors for us, to teach us lessons and to show us his glory.

    It sounds like you are in a new positive relationship. Being together with a woman consistently is important. God bless and we at g@g are happy for you
  • Anonymous
    Hmmm, you do seem you feel inadequate though.
    "I did nothing compared to her"; that worries me the most. Do you really think you were nothing before getting with her?
  • Anonymous
    Dude, that seeps so much of feelings of inadequacy, and I know why.
    Your ex was a loser and your new girlfriend is a winner and go getter, so now she's the one with the upper hand.
    But she's also older than you so it's not correct or fair to compare your achievements, not that you should anyway.
    If she came back for you, like you say, it's because she genuinely likes you and sees something in you she doesn't see in other guys. So make good on your word and do your best for yourself and her, but DON'T make it race.
    • I think you are right on almost everything and wholeheartedly agree with you, but the point of the entire myTake was that I'm feeling just a little intimidated by her, but in no way inferior.
      It's just that knowing these things about her make me strive to do my best, for me, her and both of us as a couple.

    • Anonymous

      That's good then, wish you guys all the best :).

    • Thank you!