I promise this won't be long.
Tonight is the first night in a while, I'm spending at my place, after days, weeks of staying non-stop at my girlfriend's place because she would get upset if I tried to leave.
And since I'm spending the night alone, I could quietly sort out my thoughts.
And a question kept popping up in my mind:
It is realistically possible that someone who brings so much light, positivity and happiness in your life, and genuinely means to do that; can also be so dark and frightening at times?
I mean, not that there's anything wrong or going badly right now. Our relationship is going well and is really improving my life. But I can't help but ruminate on some things.
Even though I have known her for years, I'm discovering a lot of new things about her, things I would have never expected.
She used to be my senior and my tutor back in high school, and we were close friends enough for me to assume I knew her well, and instead I keep getting surprised at every turn. Not that I'm complaining, of course!
For example, I knew she was a photographer and an amateur artist among other things. She's been introducing me to her hobbies and tutoring me in them as well, I'm learning a lot and I enjoy being her apprentice and assistant in that.
I assumed I knew everything, or almost everything about her, but she's been revealing more and more surprising stuff as of late.
First thing I learned, that I didn't expect, was her love for the macabre
Given her lively, positive and propositive personality, I didn't really expect that. I started getting some glimpses of it when she started screening me some of her favorite movies (horror in great part) and taking me to ghost towns, abandoned farmsteads and graveyards to make trips and take photos. This part was somewhat easy to understand for me since my ex had similar tastes even if she wasn't very creative or proactive about it. What I didn't expect, was something else...
Her extensive and prolific artistic work in the years of University
When we fell off each other's radar after high school (she graduated three years before me after all) I thought I had been pretty busy in finishing my education, getting and spearheading a career and getting involved in cultural initiatives (I'm vice president of provincial EPBC) and local politics, but apparently in comparison to her I was slacking off.
She studied and got her University degree; and at the same time worked and made herself a name in enogastronomy. Not only that, I just discovered she self-published a short story book, three photographic albums (I was bragging about publishing one myself and having a second on the way like an idiot), acted in a couple of independent movies and did some posing on the side.
And by talking with some people in the scene, I learned that some years ago she was quite notorious for being aggressively competitive and even slightly cutthroat in getting involved in the best projects - I heard both good and bad talk about her.
But I was absolutely flabbergasted by how much she has accomplished in so many years and felt absolutely humbled on my own accomplishments. Really, I did practically nothing compared to her. She has so much going on for herself, yet she looked me out after my break up.
It's something I'm having a legitimate hard time in understanding. I really don't know why she felt so much about wasting time with me when I was still hurt and rancorous about my break up. And still now, she's concretely planning a future together.
Naturally, I don't think it's the case to get envious or an inferiority complex by making comparisons - I'm of the opinion that if anything, it should be a stimulus to keep doing my best and try to live my life to fullest like she's doing with hers.
What are your toughts?
Have you ever had a similar experience?