A little thought before moving in

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I promise it won't be long.
Tomorrow, I'll officially start moving in with my girlfriend. We had agreed it would be by 2020, but things got quickened out.
I admit it's something I do want, but I can't seem to be completely able to quell my own doubts and uncertainties.

I mean, I owe this woman so much, and I understand she's not all smiles and sunshine like she makes herself out to be.
That she has her fair deal of regrets and opened up to me about some really nasty things she did in the past. But after all, haven't we all done bad stuff at some point in our lives?
But that's not the point of my anxieties - after all, when someone shares certain things with you is because they trust you and you are special to them.

Right after I broke up with my ex, I did a lot of stupid things.
I had also started to go out to drink every night, with friends or alone, and that's when she popped up back in my life.
She used to be my senior and tutor back in high school, and right until the moment I had gotten together with my girlfriend, we had been best friends.

We met up for breakfast.
I took a coffee with a glass of grappa (liquor) with nothing to eat, and this sparked an heated discussion with her. I left and she later called me in tears over that exchange.
Then she came to my place, and was appalled by the number of wine bottles I was keeping around, the full ashtrays and cigarette butts on the floor, the lack of food and the relative mess I was living in. She literally threw out everything and dragged me to get groceries, berating me that if I wasn't capable of having proper meals anymore she'd be making them for me. Then we cleaned out my whole apartment.

Afterwards, she made me chicken breasts with salad and didn't leave until after I had eaten everything. Then she started coming around more often, then wanting me around her house more and more. I had warned her I wasn't looking for a relationship at first, but she insisted and I ended up changing my mind.
She sent me texts, thousands of texs, about how she was worried about me and wanted to help.

She started wanting to spend every free moment together, the only excuse she would accept was "work".
She was (and still is) caring and loving, to a possessive and clingy extent. At first she was fine with me helping out my ex with her mental health issues, but then I had to stop, because in her words, "that disgusting woman had stolen me from her two years ago and was trying to do so again".

I admit that sometimes I do think about her reasons. I mean, someone as tall and beautiful and intelligent as her, what does she sees in such a little man like me? I haven't even done half the things she did. That she's willing to put up with my issues regarding intimacy, attention and sex.
Perhaps she likes it that way, maybe I'm some sort of challenge to her because I had scorned her two years ago and she's just obsessed, I don't know.

What I know, is that almost everyone (me included) adore her and see her as a positive person, and she really brought and still brings joy and positivity in my life, the things I need the most right now.

So I guess I can't do anything if not count my blessings, be thankful and do my best to make her happy.

Thank you for reading,
Jean-Marie

[AmandaYVR]

Jean-Marie,
Well, you're posting this that tomorrow is moving day, so it's a done deal, no point weighing the pros and cons with you now. But as the others have said, try not to feel so pressured, to allow yourself to be pressured into decisions or actions which you may not be quite ready for. You are still young, and even based on that fact alone, it is a lot of commitment and upheavel for anyone.
I am a big believer in people moving in together, but not under all circumstances. You still need to remain yourself, an individual, not wholly influenced or controlled by another. Help and support is wonderful, and comforting, but dominance can turn somewhere less wholesome, less pleasant. I think we all sense your mixed emotions and assessment of your circumstances. It seems this forum is good for you to express your thoughts, work them out, but I don't know about the others, but I sense a bit of hesitation and self-control in you, where you are not saying all that you want to when you want to. Maybe out of guilt, or a watchful eye, or something else as well...
I recently asked the q, 'Are having doubts about marriage/relationships 'normal', or warning signs?' There were a mix of answers, some of which say they need to be listed to, and others say it would be more worrying not to have any doubts, with such a big commitment. (And for the others, it seems better definitions or examples of exactly what/how big doubts, are necessary to clarify and define the terms.) Perhaps you should peruse those, because your concerns are probably valid. (It will not be applicable now, as this particular decision has been made, but consider it for the next big one, the marriage talk. I imagine you will be writing here one day about that, feeling you are on a train speeding swiftly down a track.)
It is very hard to extricate oneself once you have combined lives together. Even moving in with platonic friends or strangers, is stressful and frustrating at times. Having our own space is so useful, but economics often do not allow this. Still, I think we all encourage you to use your voice, speak your truth even if it's unplesant to say out loud, or some may not appreciate it (as long as it comes from the heart, is reasonably considered, honest, you have every right to express it.) We live in an age today where humans can/should be equal, have equal say, and everyone gets a vote. Although admittedly, not everyone is equal, or as capable, but we all have our strengths and weaknesses. At the very lease, we need to be appreciated and respected. You sound like a good fellow, and we support you in your life's endeavours. Hopefully you will enjoy this and find it fruitful.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your deep and insightful answer, I wholeheartedly appreciate it.
You are right on all points, and I admit I do have a lot of doubts and second guesses about the way our relationship is moving. Not the relationship itself, as I completely and wholeheartedly enjoy it and see it as one of the best things that could happen to me.
But I'm a bit concerned about how it is proceeding.
It's clear to me she's clearly scheduling everything for both and after the move in, next year will most likely come out the topic of engagement and marriage. And I admit I am at least partly inclined towards it as well, as even though we got romantically involved only for three months we knew each other for almost eight years so I more or less know what to expect from her.
I'll be looking at your question regarding doubts and such, to see how other people have answered, thank you!

[AmandaYVR]

Most welcome.

[Porcelaine]

I hope you are making a right decision. She has been a very positive force for you, she is very pushy but as long as it's in your favour I don't see a problem. ''what does she sees in such a little man like me? I haven't even done half the things she did'' enough already. Who would make a better boyfriend? An overachiever who is selfish and treats her badly or someone like you who is kind and considerate? She sees in you things that matter the most. You a probably right that she is slightly obsessed. Girls who get rejected, or in your case if you chose someone over her perhaps she does not get ''no'' often so it made her even more determined to get what she wanted. This should be a joyous occasion, try not to worry too much. Taking a chance is always better than giving in to fears.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragements, I wholeheartedly appreciate them!
I understand what you mean, and I admit I'm a bit insecure about that part, even though your reasoning is flawless. After all she wouldn't have taken so much time for me if there wasn't something she saw in me I think.
I also see she's a bit insecure about the fact that she wasn't my first choice so to say - I did it without malice but I want to reassure and demonstrate her that even if we strayed off each other for two years and she wasn't my first choice, she's the right one.
She told me she struggles with the idea we weren't each other firsts like she wanted, but I told her we are right for each other and that's what matters.

[skyboy64]

Wow you are so right!!! I love u already! As a friend not boyfriend o. k. and thank you!!

[Porcelaine]

@Jean-Marie_Céline you might not believe in stuff like this but to me it seems that you both had to go through these experiences (you with your last relationship, and her probably with someone too) in order to learn so now you are better versions of eachother and ready for one another in a way you wouldn't have been before. If you truly end up together for life you won't have this thing of wandering and curiosity of what it would be like to be with another person since you both experienced it already. I relate to this a lot, since I also reunited with someone and felt bad that we have wasted so much time apart. But I had time to think and I remember us both back then. We were SO green and clueless, we needed the time apart to grow.

[Porcelaine]

Thanks for MHOs!!

[Massageman]

Who as it who made the chicken and dumped your junk - your ex or your current gal?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Current girlfriend

[Massageman]

OK. That's what I thought - just had to double-check to be sure. You really should try to see the good in yourself and not keep putting yourself down ("what does she sees in such a little man like me" comments, etc). She must see SOMEthing in you that she likes, just as you see things in her that YOU like. . Maybe just ask her point-blank someday when you having "serious" discussions.

[Massageman]

Thanks for the MHO

[Ianto]

You're a lucky bloke to find such a forgiving, devoted woman.

[Can_I_Get_a_Do-Over]

This “owe her a lot” makes me nervous. That’s why you have doubts and uncertainties. What would you do if you owed her nothing? Or if she owed you? And she’s a good catch, you think you are dating up, that she’s somehow better than you because she’s beautiful, so everyone says you’re one lucky son of a gun, and you think you’d be stupid to not jump on this opportunity to move in together... but where’s your connection? Your passion? You can’t live your life with someone who makes you feel like a little man. You can’t live your life under the cloud of you owe you owe you owe.

There are red flags. She’s controlling. She’s insisting this and that. She’s telling you how to be. Yes, she helped you but there were strings. She got something out of helping you get back on track. It makes her feel good. It helps her feel secure because she probably thinks you can’t make it on your own without her. Is she going to start telling you that until it’s ruined your self esteem?

I don’t know if she’s as great as others think or she’s going to feel like your mother and emasculate you but you’re here asking for opinions. Why not postpone this big move until you have more time and info to take a more decisive position?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I see your points.
I do love and care for her, even if she effectively has always been a superior so to say, until I got together with my ex girlfriend.
I have the thought that maybe she wants to prolong the relationship we had back in school, or is just obsessed, I don't know.
Rests the fact that for over five years before I got together with my ex she always supported me, and started doing it right after I broke up. I too do support and help her out with her issues.

[SMOOTHBROTHER]

My friend you have a GIFT FROM GOD TAKE IT... sometimes a man needs a woman like the one you are describing to make him a better man... GO FOR IT ❤️❤️❤️... but on the other hand if things get out of control know how to move on and leave her right there.. another thing I would say is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT... save you some emergency money of your own just in case you have to make an emergency move... NEVER TELL HER about this money... THIS IS FOR YOUR SAFETY BROTHER... keep it stash away somewhere she can't see it... AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES EVER!!! don't let her have control of your money... that is definitely not a good thing... I HAD MY MOM AND SISTER CONTROL MY DISABILITY CHECK... I suffer like hell... I GET MY OWN CHECK NOW.. BUT I CAN TELL YOU A BUNCH OF HORROR STORIES... another thing I want to stress to u is... HAVE SOME EMERGENCY CONTACT OR PLACE OR PEOPLE TO STAY WITH JUST IN CASE THINGS GET OUT OF CONTROL... do not say anything about these contact... this is for your safety BROTHER... you may never ever have to use that money... BUT NEVER EVER SPEND IT.. EVER!!! and you may never ever have to reach out to those contact... but keep in touch with them... THIS IS FOR YOUR SAFETY... NEVER EVER SHARE OR TELL HER ABOUT THESE 2 THINGS... NEVER... plus if you have a cell phone never EVER let her go through it and see what you do on your cell phone... I would go a extra step and have 2 cell phone.. one I would keep hidden and locked with a private passcode... the women you are describing seems good... but always have back up brother... ALWAYS... REASON BEING IF THINGS GET OUT OF ORDER... YOU NEED TO MOVE QUICKLY OR FOR ANY REASON YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE... PEOPLE CHANGE REMEMBER THAT.. ALSO IF YOU FEEL YOU OWE HER SO MUCH WHY NOT PAY HER BACK IN ANOTHER WAY.. BUT IF YOU MOVE IN WITH HER PROTECT YOURSELF ALWAYS..

[Screenwriter]

It sounds like you think you're extremely lucky to have this woman so in payment you're moving in with her. That is NEVER a reason to move in with someone. Though she has been a good influence and you appreciate having her in your life, once you move in with someone, you are stuck with them, to a certain extent. What's the rush? You're 22! Continue with your relationship. Keep your separate places. Spend nights at her place; she can spend nights at yours. Unless you are becoming ENGAGED with a definite date for marriage, there is no need to move in. I think you need to rethink this if you have any doubts, and it's clear you do.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I understand your point and I think you are right.
The fact is that she's not being so subtle anymore that she'd like to move on to something more next year. Today she kept mentioning how March or April are perfect months for weddings.

[Screenwriter]

Wow! So now you have TWO things she's pressuring you to do! Move in and get married. You know, you can get swept up in this, or you can stay where you are until you're ready for a next step. I think this needs to go at YOUR PACE, not hers. She's on a schedule. Five months from now marriage. I realize this is FLATTERING, but the reality of it is daunting. What are YOUR life plans? Do you even HAVE any? She's dragging you into hers, that's clear. What do YOU want to do with your life?

[skyboy64]

Wow so smart!! I been thinking about the same thing as you are , I didn't know how to say it until you saided perfect!!!

[englisc]

Yep, seems about right. @Jean-Marie_Celeine - it sounds to me like she's "love-bombing" you to manipulate you, knowing that you'll fall for it. Your ex did the same thing.

[EleanorRigby]

Personally I think you are only doing this because you feel like you owe her. You have really bad history with trying to make women happy instead of focusing on yourself too.

You have only been together for what, 3 months? It's completely normal to not feel ready to move in, your relationship has barely even started. I think you're getting into this mindlessly and under pressure and it won't end well. Moving in with your SO should be a happy even and there's so much stress and worrying in this whole post. I think you really need to have an honest conversation with yourself and make a decision based on what *you* want and not what you owe to your girlfriend (and you don't even owe her anything, she pretty much used your vulnerability after your break up).
If this doesn't make you happy, it will do no good to your relationship. You're young and there's no need for rush and doing it all asap.

[Mickey9999]

Go with your heart. I have to admit I am a bit worried. You owe this woman nothing. You didn’t ask for her help. So be careful of feeling obligated. You felt obligated with your ex too. If you love her so be it but if you’re moving in and forcing a relationship out of appreciation and obligation, it’s going to come crumbling down on you in the not so distant future. You both deserve better. Again if you have true feelings of love and admiration etc then more power to you!!!

[spartan55]

Was that an actual picture of your apartment? Whoa... Don't worry dude, sounds to me that you are with a woman who cares for you deeply. That's hard to find.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thankfully no, mine was much worse if you can believe it!
Thank you, I recognize how lucky I am. I already know what she has in mind next, but I could seriously consider it seeing how she is with me.

[Jesslin412]

Not everyone has done bad things. But anyways take it one step at a time. Know that you all will both have certain things about the house you’ll just have to get used to. We moved in just a few months before the wedding and it was the best thing we ever did. I missed him so much not seeing him every day. If she’s possessive though that’s a worry because that can get annoying real fast

[Screenwriter]

I like what you said: There was an end point in your moving in-- you were about to get married. There's no such "end point" in these two people's relationship. It's open-ended... This is never a good reason to move in if there's no definite reason to move in. It'll save money is never a good reason. Someone OWES someone. Someone's pressuring someone (thinking the moving in will lead to some OTHER move in the relationship). There's a bunch of red flags here. Don't move in. If you aren't jumping up and down and thrilled to be doing this, DON'T.

[skyboy64]

That is Maria and me , I have lost my hopes to have a good girl and I will be in a dark days in h-ll if Maria had not been there for me I still love her very much , I think I have lost her to a scam artist who say he will help with her money she will get free money for service, but ask her for money when she doesn't have , so I told her he a scammer artist , she didn't believe me so I told her my life story about mom & me were a victim of scammer on phone , computer fake police fund, I have not heard back from my girlfriend yet I think she mad at me for telling her the truth about her scammer artist. Now I'm sorry I told her.

[skyboy64]

That story is the most touching things I had read in a long time , and I am still crying about it , it just sooo beautiful ending.

[nerms123]

I agree your ex was a mistake and you should be with your current girlfriend. Relationships can be judged by their effect on your health.

[skyboy64]

I support your decision , answers it well said. And healthy!!💖I was in the same boat as this guy is , mine is I didn't get married , or move in yet I never had sex , I think I lost my girlfriend to a scammer artist. I will try to find a good girl friend, but I will wait later in a month or so. It sad 😞

[coolbreeze]

Nice story and good luck man. I hope everything works out for you and I'm glad you met sonebidy that has finally made you happy.

[Janncis]

Well i will start at first saying im not you. While i would like time from time that someone would care for me a bit as much as she's caring for you, I would not be able to be in such relationships. That constant attention would kill me. It might be that she sees something in you that rest of people dont see, or maybe settling down. Any way i had terrible feeling while reading, deffenetly not for me, but best of luck to you.
Ps. Intuation usually doesn't lie.

[Anonymous]

It's clear that your intuition has been speaking to you about this for a very long time. As long as you listen to it, you can't go wrong.

[Poppykate]

It seems like you are all set. You will never have to make another decision ever! I know I certainly couldn’t be in a relationship like that, but each to their own. Good luck to you.

[COMMODOREII]

She loves you bro. You have a great relationship. I'm happy for you. I wish a woman could do that for me.

[neurolove]

It's hard enough without doubts. You have doubts even before you begin. I would talk to her about it before moving in.

[malik25]

Interesting