Hiding your "real" personality from your family

[tallandsweet]

I only realised how much I hid and continue to hide from my parents recently. I think almost everyone does this, so feel free to share your thoughts and experiences below!

#1 Music taste

I never shared too much of my music taste with my parents, I would've gotten in trouble for it.

When I listened to "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry just ONCE, they told me to stop listening to music promoting the LGBT+ community and took my scented Katy Perry CD away from me.

Photo by Simon Noh on Unsplash

I love Rap. I always have, it started to gain even more meaning for me when I started to develop an eating disorder, grew more and more depressed, harmed myself for several years and when I was going through recovery.

My parents love Jazz and Soul - they dislike the simplicity of Pop and don't recognize the complexity some good rap songs have. I don't support taking drugs and don't want to do that and for them, listening to rap music is the first step to becoming a full blown junkie.

I love German Rap in particular for multiple reasons, I know that it's embarassing at times, but I still like it.

Listening to Rap when I'm feeling low is a small, but still subtantial part of my personality and identity.

#2 Love life

I guess this is a classic for most kids of rather strict parents - my parents still don't know that I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend, they met him, but I told them that he was just a friend and they kinda bought it.

I never talked about him ever again, they sometimes ask, but I avoid the topic.

My other "ex" is someone they'd be so deeply shocked about, I always hid it from them - they have no idea how big of an influence that person had on me. He was the most important person in my life for 4 years or so and always supported me. My friends didn't like him, I just completely hid him from everyone I knew at the time.

Photo by Victoria Roman on Unsplash

After dreaming about my parents meeting my boyfriend and falling in love with him as their future son in law, reality crushed me hard (my parents didn't want to meet him, read more about that in this take: How telling my parents about my 6mo boyfriend went (they hate him for religious reasons) ).

I completely cut out my boyfriend from the version of my life I present to them when I meet them or call them. It's like he doesn't exist, otherwise we just fight, so I know that for the next few years, I'll have to lay low about my love life and it kinda sucks.

#3 Leisure time

I used to do a lot of things without my parent's knowledge or consent, especially after getting my driver's licence, I just had to leave.

I was never able to go on dates or to go outside without them knowing, so I mainly laid low and talked to people online in my room.

Photo by Zach Betten on Unsplash

When I would go out with my friends, I never had alcohol (legal since 16 for me, I don't live in the US), I never had a cigarette or did drugs, so I guess most of how they raised me "worked". I hate alcohol, despise cigarettes and think drugs are the absolute worst option out of the 3 (alcohol is a drug too though).

Conclusion

All my life, I lied to my parents. Some of those lies were big, some of them were small, and although I had a really close relationship with them for quite a while, those 3 issues were things I was never able to open up about, simply because I knew I'd have to face consequences.

I was always told by my parents that they value honesty above all else, but in reality, they always punished me for telling the truth and when I lied to them, they almost never figured it out.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

I have taken away from my personal experience that I won't punish my kids for being truthful, even if the truth hurts (unless they do something really bad and/or irresponsible (kill someone, drive under the influence).

[msc545]

Wait... you had a scented CD? Was that a thing back then?

[tallandsweet]

Apparently, you know Katy Perry lol :D it was some ultra sweet smell that I LOVEEDDD :D

[msc545]

Wow. Just wow.

[tallandsweet]

I know lol. I really loved it though, it smelled incredibly sweet!
external-content.duckduckgo.com/.../ It was a Teenage Dream CD, now I remember.

[msc545]

I really feel like I missed out. :(

[tallandsweet]

HAHA :D You did! It smelled amazing

[msc545]

I feel sad now.😢😢😢

[CentralPerk77]

Madonna was the first to do this - pretty weird and rarely used

[TwistedTube]

Tbh coming into this thread I expected something much different. I don't consider music taste, love life or what you do in your leisure time to be part of your personality at all.

So instead I'm going to make this response as if I'm responding to what I expected this thread to be about.

My parents don't really know me at all, when I was younger my self confidence was simply severely lacking, so I wouldn't be talking much nor would I ever seem enthusiastic at all. At the table I'd simply sit in quiet and I'd only respect and when talking to, for the rest of the time I would simply be in my own head.
Growing up and actually gaining some confidence through different online platforms, my confidence has increased a ton. And while I before would just always be on the quiet side I now enjoy talking and joking with others a lot. I've become good at making friends, and I'm much more of a forefront figure then I used to be.
At home side though, this does not come out. For some reason whenever I'm with or around my parents, I feel like I cannot be who I am and I'm not sure what the reason for this is. When I'm going on a job interview, my dad will tell me to not talk softly and to put enthusiasm into my voice, as if I still talk like that while away from them. I just feel a significant of awkwardness around them and I prefer being away from them where I can be who I actually am. Whenever I talk about this with friends, they just tell me to start acting like myself around my parents too. But I can't. It's not really that easy, there is some sort of pressure around them which makes me unable to. Honestly I can't truly describe it, it's not that they're stern or anything, I just.. can't

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your response!
I'm sorry that you can't be yourself around your parents. I understand perfectly how it feels when your parents think you display the same flaws they see in you to all those around you.

For example, I used to fight a lot with my parents and because of this, they thought I couldn't have a stable friendship or relationship - but I just significantly cut back on fighting with them and don't yell at them anymore. Still, they strongly believe that I behave weird behind their back, it's strange.

I accept your criticism, but I do believe that in my case, my love life in particular is a massive part of my life that I just can't talk about because it makes them so uncomfortable. I can't even tell them that I'm moving in with my boyfriend.

[TwistedTube]

Oh no no! I do believe your love life is a big part of your life, and that not being able to talk to your parents about such things is really shitty. I just don't believe it to be part of your personality.

And yes for some reason parents will always believe you to be the same throughout time as if you're not a constantly changing being like everyone else

[tallandsweet]

Ah okay, that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I can personally admit that i do hide the real me from family. I have to withhold my emotions. I am a very emotional guy, especially after i dealt with a traumatic situation (s) growing up and never receiving the affection i always looked for in my mother. I also wish that the times i trusted my mother with opening up, that she wouldn't have betrayed my trust by going around telling my aunts all my personal issues


So yeah i can complain sometimes but i dont expect them to understand. The only reason why i would ever speak with my mother was when i needed money. Cause i knew i would never get the affection or understanding. As far as my music taste, i can care less about that. Im in my car playing my music, and if my family wants to get in MY car then they are forced to hear my music.


The best advice was that which i received from my grandpa, “If you're feeling sad and have no one you can talk to, go find the nicest tree you can find. Look for the biggest and most beautiful tree. That tree has life and it will be able to listen. Once done, thank that beautiful tree and compliment it, thank it for hearing you out and compliment its beauty. Because plants do have feelings and are responsive to how you treat them”.

[tallandsweet]

That's really beautiful advice, I love talking to plants too lol :D I think it helps them grow.

[Cherry234]

I don't tell my parents everything but there's even more I don't tell my extended family. I don't let them know about everything that goes on in my life (my extended family) bc some of my relatives can be nosy. I had an aunt who asked me why I lost weight (I gained it back) and I didn't tell her the whole story but I told my closest cousin about it bc I trust him. There are certain songs I like that have curse words in them but I wouldn't put that music on out loud in front of my parents or other elders (i. e. aunts, uncles, grandfather) but I would just put in headphones to listen to.

I also wouldn't tell all my elders about my grades in school. I got a C in an accounting class and my parents and my closest cousin know but not my other relatives. I don't want them knowing about my grades bc it's not their business and I'm not comfortable talking about it. As long as I'm getting the best grades I can and passing my classes then that's all that matters. My aunt and another cousin say I'm too shy but I don't relate to them as well as my closest cousin so I would talk to him about anything or almost anything. If I date someone, my closest cousin is the first person in my extended family who will know about it

[I-C3_ME]

For me this also holds true, but it's not that i lie or genuinely try to hide stuff from them. It's just that i don't care enough to tell them. My mom isn't that good at showing affection and although she always made sure i was physically cared for i always resented that cuz that was what i needed as a kid, she also miss interpreted my feelings and reasons for why i did certain things. This just naturally led me to stop showing my true feelings cuz it would only disappoint me when she thought i was "hyper", no mom. I just was happy, i know it didn't happen that much but come on XDDD. She also tried to find other people to help me with me emotions and stuff be she used info i gave her against me while telling people the story in the way she interpreted it (which was wrong 75% of the time) so i stopped telling her stuff cuz what was the point? Also when i was 10 i stopped seeing my dad (we had a big fight on vacation about he's girlfriend at the 5time (she was jealous of our mom or something, I don't know to long ago)) and i didn't see him for 6 years but i stopped caring about him and i still really don't give a shit (it's a horrible thing to say but true), i try to go to Christmas cuz i don't feel like he lost the right to see he's son but other then that i probably wouldn't go.

Basically, i don't tell my parents much and the more time passes, the more outdated their view of me becomes. The only times they can see my "real" personality is when my grandmother is here cuz she did always care and truelly listen so when I'm around her i forget about them and my real personality slips out.

[exitseven]

I never told my parents about anything. I never mentioned girls AT ALL. I think when I was 19 or 20 my mother thought I might be gay. Of course all the other stuff I was doing was never mentioned either. I was lucky many times not to have ended up in jail.
I used to wait until my mother went to bed before I came home if I was drunk. Once I puked on my bedroom floor and promptly passed out. My mother came into my bedroom the next morning before she went to work. She saw the vomit and I blamed it on the cat. She completely bought it.

[tallandsweet]

Oh my, that sounds crazy! Cat vomit is completely different from human vomit though, crazy that she still bought it.

[exitseven]

Fortunately for me she was not up to the task.

[exitseven]

by the way, are you really tall and sweet? It's hard to tell by your profile picture.

[tallandsweet]

Lolz. I'm mainly tall, not that sweet tbh

[exitseven]

Thanks for that 😊😊😊😊

[CentralPerk77]

Ok so - after reading your post I think maybe instead of talking about the truth of who you currently are it might be better to have a talk with your parents that you do not feel comfortable telling them things because of how they react and ask if they might be willing to be more understanding. If you can get them to a place where they are willing to try then you can give them, for instance, one of these things you mention and see how it goes and then if it isn’t so good you can use that to further the conversation about wanting to be able to tell them things but they make it so that you cannot and you would prefer they try to see you as your own person and be supportive. Obviously, let them know their advice is welcomed and cherished as they are your parents you should listen to their words too and try to show them you hear them

[Goatmeal]

I think self-preservation should be her primary concern. You can try to negotiate with bullies, but it really shouldn't be necessary for children to do this with their parents.

[tallandsweet]

@Goatmeal Exactly that.

@CentralPerk77 my parents don't understand that their words cause emotional harm in others (me and my brother). According to them, it's a CHOICE to think about things that hurt you and you just have to move on.
This is their way of justifying anything that they say or do.
I've had the most grown up conversations in my life with them, worked out sample conversations full of ALL OF THE THEORY and rhetorics you should use to bring your point across while keeping both ears open to hear about what the other side has to say with my therapist and it hasn't helped.

I've tried to get my parents to accept that when they yell at us every day, it makes us miserable. They don't respect boundaries at all either. Nothing has helped. For context, I used to be a really horrible kid when I was 11-14, I yelled at my parents every day and once I calmed down, my brother turned into the person I was. I haven't raised my voice at my parents in two very traumatic and eventful years and their behaviour hasn't changed one bit.

So yeah. Sometimes there's nothing you can do. I still love them, but I leave situations I can feel escalating immediately now. That's the main difference in our interactions I'd say.

[Goatmeal]

I don't trust my parents after they strongarmed me into entering the psychiatric system, which I feel has fucked me up significantly.

Also they emotionally bullied me into not taking a job that I had put in an uncharacteristic amount of effort to apply for and was proud to be offered.

Unfortunately, my solution to this is to have a superficial relationship with my parents where I don't open up about my problems, because I don't trust that doing so would be helpful.

Thanks for sharing your story, it was somewhat relatable.

[tallandsweet]

That sounds really sad... Sorry to hear about your sitation!

[Goatmeal]

Thank you, appreciate it. And likewise :'(

[HawkPerception]

My parents disagreed with me on too many things growing up and we always butt heads. My friends know me as one of the outgoing, easy going and fun loving guys, but around my family, I'm the quietest guy because they just don't respect my opinions or anything I say whatsoever.

[tallandsweet]

I can relate to that a lot.
My parents expect me to be outgoing and fun with them like I used to be, but I can't be that person anymore knowing that they think my boyfriend is a horrible guy. It's not easy to know that they think I'll be going to hell due to my lifestyle, for them, it's so omnipresent that out of nowhere, they want to talk about how bad my relationship is for them and that I should break up.

I try to talk about university and focus on THEM in conversations, my life is simply no longer compatible with their view of the world.

I think that over the years, I'll also grow more quiet around them, it's much easier that way!

[tallandsweet]

It's honestly a real blessing to no longer live with them, as much as I love and care about them, it's too damn hard to have them around all the time.

[HawkPerception]

I'm glad you left them. What a toxic thought... to say you're going to hell because you have a different way of living. This is why all religion is a plague on the world. It runs in families and makes even parents willfully disconnect with their kids.

My ex's parents thought that because she had tattoos, she had the devil's influence on her. They also didn't want her to date me because I wasn't white. She left her religion and her house a long time ago because of those same views.

Although I disagree with my parents on a lot, I haven't had it rough like you or my ex in that regard. They gave me tons of freedom to do whatever I want, but the main thing is they never valued my insight on any topic because I had no formal education.

[tallandsweet]

It must suck when your parents don't value your opinion!

I don't really know how to handle my parents, but I know that there are many aspects of my current life that would deeply trouble and upset them. I simply don't talk about those and we're mainly good... But yeah, religion is highly toxic.

My ex was pretty shook when I told him that I changed my mind about everything I had held on to so tightly for all my life. He condemned my parents deeply for rejecting my boyfriend simply due to the fact that he's of Turkish decent and isn't as well educated as I am (he's a hard worker though and makes a decent living, so I don't get why they'd object to that since it's not an issue for me).

My exes are both white, my boyfriend isn't, and this is the first time in my entire life that my parents have been so blatantly ignorant, intolerant and racist. It's deeply upsetting, but they feel entitled to their opinion, so there's that.

[HawkPerception]

Sorry for the late response. Didn't see this until just now.

You can't change the opinions of most older people in life. Imagine you live your whole life being convinced that your logic and reasoning are correct. That happens to pretty much every person that exists in life. Our parents generation didn't have as much access to information and discussions on topics like this globally as we do. Therefore, their sight is narrow. All you can do is live life based on your own values which come from your own experiences in life. Nothing in life is written in black and white. Don't get me wrong. Some opinion or views are clearly more true/wring than others, but try not to condemn your parents for their views. Who knows? If you were raised in their times, maybe you would have believed the same stuff, right?

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for the response!

[kaylaS91]

My parents know most stuff about me..
I mean, I don't think I've ever done anything too wild. They know I dabbled in drinking/partying around my late teens, as well as about the relationship had with my now ex (which they warmed up to eventually, though weren't too keen about it initially).

The one big part they don't know about is my sex-life. They don't know I'm sexually active at all, be it in terms of with my ex, by myself, or even just talking about things that are sexually related.

[Inexpensivefurniture]

I feel like I have different personalities with each family member. There are things only one of them knows, opinions I only share with a few, interests and personal things I hide from others... if they ever actually talked they might have a more complete idea of me, but that won't happen and that's how I prefer it

[tallandsweet]

I can relate to that a lot... Even with my friends, I never tell everyone everything but split my issues up into different departments lol

[Inexpensivefurniture]

Yeah that sounds familiar

[NathanDavis]

I want to think... because I don't feel you have resentment towards them, and I hope this is not the case. Although they're very strict with you, you've still managed to experience your life in the way you want it, for the most part. And I think that's great... while they're this strict, they also give you some space and some freedom to make your own choices, they're not absolute control freaks, I want to think they're not checking on you constantly and trying to catch you on something... this is very good as well. It seems to me that they still trust you with making your own good or better choices, again... I hope this is the case.

[tallandsweet]

They're extreme control freaks, especially my mother, but I just don't let them see the bad things they'd certainly comment on if they knew. They're not as involved in my life as they used to be and that gies me plenty of freedom luckily.

[NathanDavis]

then that's a good thing, they would not give you that much space and freedom now without a certain level of trust in you...

what about college or work.. are you aiminig for either? thinking of moving out any time soon, or are you on your own already

[tallandsweet]

I'm living on my own and attend university.
I had really good grades for all of my school career, they trusted me enough to let me move far away, now it's my choice how often I call/see them.

[NathanDavis]

that's great to hear really, that you're "on your own" and have that freedom and the opportunity to grow up as you want to do so... as for the other part, that's usually about time, as long as the relationship with your parents is not stranded, time can make things better so I hope you're still in touch with them as often as possible. Maybe in the future you can share more with them, about what else you going on in your life and what are you into.

I kept a distance with my own parents but for different reasons, not really a big conflict but it still caused an emotional distance, it was till age 23~24 or something like that, that I started to reach out again with them, it was for the best, for all of us... I did not want to get used to have a life that apart from them, they didn't "approve" some of my choices or maybe they thought very different for me but still, they realized that they don't have to pick or live a life for me. Time made it all better, we're not the closest now but we're definitely in touch, and that's a very good thing to have, no resentments of any kind to harbor is a very good thing to have.

[Anon621]

I think most people don't want to express who they really are in front of their parents since most parents are extremely religious or still believe in a religion. I think if I told my parents who I really was I would hope they would support me but my parents definitely give me the typical Christian vibe parents where they basically encourage me to meet people of the opposite sex to potentially date even though right now I'm interested in potentially dating people regardless of their identified sex. It's basically a fear of do I tell my parents who I am and just let them hate me or accept me or just keep pretending so that they think I'm someone else and they don't continuously nag me to death about going to church etc. Even then I still get nagged about going to church even though I hide some aspects of my real personality lol.

[somesoul]

I think the guy I'm in a relationship with is coz of his mom😂 coz she likes me a lot and she told her husband and he also likes me alot😂 and now I'm also happy haha that the guy is trying to woo me but I'm scared coz he is in NZ may be hooking up.. once I tried to tell him that you are hooking up? He says me I'm possessive. I broke up after 6 months and he patched up 6 months later and boom in a relationship again but may be he still is hooking up. The time that we were broken up for 6 months, I slept with 2 guys.

[Anonymous]

I felt all these not only w music taste and all that but a lot of my struggles and my identity. I’m a trans women of color that did some stupid shit for money to buy my first girl clothes. Life’s been hard, hard af. I basically hid everything about me, my interests, my career (entertainment), my love life, everything. It’s been crazy but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I went through some shit so now I can help people through some shit

[tallandsweet]

I'm so sorry about that. I couldn't even imagine what my parents would've been like if I wasn't cis. That would've been actual hell.

You absolutely go girl, keep uplifting yourself and working hard on your dreams!

[TodsShadow]

My family is full of military, police, and other officials. It's all seriousness and vanilla questions. I have a uncle who is now a retired chief of police. Who asked me how was high school every time he seen me till I was 25. Most of the women in the family are outspoken a lot. Hard to communicate if you don't agree with them. I stay silent mostly at family functions.

[tallandsweet]

That sounds really hard... My relatives aren't that invested in my life either, my aunt tries really hard but I don't feel that close to her unfortunately.

[TodsShadow]

Sorry I'm late responding. Try to connect with your aunt. It's good she's trying. I'm not sure your age but as we get older we will loose them. It's a horrible feeling to be at a funeral at not feel a thing

[Goatmeal]

"Who asked me how was high school every time he seen me till I was 25"

Sorry, but lol

[DeeDeeDeVour]

My family has no clue that I went through a '"full-blown" bi-sexual phase' in my life.
They might have suspected but are unaware that it's true and more than they suspected. Other than that, my life's a very opened book to them and everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Yeah families can typically be a sort of cultist thing sometimes. But they're your family and most things feel right until you realize the world of differences. Your parents found comfort in their ideals and they solidify themselves in these beliefs with eachother. So they may feel complete. And there's no good enough argument to combat it sometimes.

In different reasons, more phylisophical meaning of life things pertaining to life decisions for me. My family has been basically 100 percent dependant on eachother all my life. I'm pushing for independence. Religion is involved as well which sometimes can be used in your favor if you read up enough to make your point back.

[Adam1978]

I never felt the need to tell my parents everything. I never tell my parents or siblings if I go on a date, they only get to know if things go into the state where you introduce them. I got my first apartment before telling them that I was moving out and so on. It's my call, unless I want advice, there is no reason to involve them. I just give them the news next time we interact.

[Drooogie4]

Same. I love them.
But I don't have any identity that I'm comfortable sharing with them because it'll only strain the relationship that does exist

[tallandsweet]

That makes so much sense to me...

[jshm2]

To be honest you're just coming across as a bratty teen rebelling against your parents.

It's just a phase, and you'll get better sense when you're older.

Just remember, it's their house, their rules. You're not being "truthful" nor "progressive" just annoying and small minded.

[Goatmeal]

Terrible comment. "Their house, their rules" is such a dumb fucking thing to say. Choosing to have a kid is a responsibility. You're literally bringing a human being into the world and that does not mean you get to treat them as your personal property.