How telling my parents about my 6mo boyfriend went (they hate him for religious reasons)


An update

I know I haven't posted in a while, so here's what happened: I met my boyfriend's parents - they really liked me and I couldn't be more thrilled to get such a positive response.

His dad offered to gift us an apartment, which was really sweet (we didn't take him up on his offer though, we'd prefer to get started on our own)

I decided that it was time that he met my parents since it seemed like a natural next step at the time.

I'd have loved if he could've visited them for 1-3 weeks and gotten to know everyone well. However, I didn't have high expectations when it came to how they'd treat him; since I had always been aware of how unpredictable my parents are, I had several ways of dealing with different scenarios.

I had no idea what would happen after telling them I had a boyfriend though.

I'd really appreciate it if you'd read through the whole take instead of just basing your answer off the title, thanks!

Telling my parents about my boyfriend

I was really, really nervous. I waited for several hours before finally bringing up the courage to tell them - first my mom, then my dad. To say that they weren't pleased would be an understatement.

My boyfriend didn't finish an aprenticeship he started and he was kicked out of school recently because he had missed too many lessons (due to Covid).

He's been working as an entrepreneur for the past ~2 years, supporting himself and his family very well.

Photo by XPS on Unsplash
Photo by XPS on Unsplash

I didn't want to tell my parents what he does for a living, I'd have preferred if he would've been able to do that because it's complicated and I didn't wanna say something incorrect.

Because of this, my parents deemed that he's a shady person.

Their reasoning

I told my parents what his parents do for a living, that I met them and how they had welcomed me with open hearts. I told them how I had been with my boyfriend for half a year now after meeting him on an online dating site, how he had travelled so many miles/km to see me each time we'd met and so on. Those of you who have stuck around for a while know that it seemed highly unlikely that we'd ever make it to the 6 month mark, so honestly, I told my parents because I was happy and felt good about my choices.

Once again, me and my parents are devout christians and my boyfriend and his family are muslim - however, he hasn't prayed in months and doesn't seem to care much about the religion. I wouldn't describe him as a devout muslim.

Once my parents found out that his parents are immigrants, they blatantly told me that we don't have the same culture and that it'll never work out between us.

Photo by Jessica Da Rosa on Unsplash
Photo by Jessica Da Rosa on Unsplash

My mom thinks I'm naive and that he's lied to me from the beginning, that he can't be a virgin simply because he's of turkish decent (which to her means he HAS TO BE a fuckboy).

My dad repeatedly said that he doesn't want someone who prays to Allah in his house and that he wants me to break up with him.

Also, my parents noted that they'd have wished for me to have told them about my relationship RIGHT AFTER meeting him on Tinder because then, they would've been able to break us up from the start.

My parents are convinced that I'm pregnant (like that's the only reason I'd tell them I have a boyfriend), which is not the case. Also, my mother felt like she had to make a point by repeatedly telling me that I'm too young to have a relationship in the first place because I haven't finished my education yet (I'm 19 and studying at university).

Finally, they "know in their hearts" that he won'e allow me to finish my education and that he'll force me to become a stay at home mom if I got pregnant. This honestly couldn't be farther from the truth, he's so proud of me for studying at university.

Thinking about what they said

I heard my parents out first because I value their opinion and advice. Then, I took time for myself to reflect over what they had pointed out and talked to my boyfriend about my findings as well.

I understand that it's my parent's choice to decide over who they allow to sleep in their house. That's perfectly fine with me. What's not okay is the very racist things they said. For example, they added that he wouldn't even be allowed to sleep in a tent in the garden, LOL.

Photo by Mohammad Metri on Unsplash
Photo by Mohammad Metri on Unsplash

I understand perfectly well where they're coming from and why they said what they said because I'm familiar with their upbringing. I always knew that my parents were conservative and didn't support interreligious marriage, but what they said was that interreligious marriage never works, which clearly isn't true.

My family doesn't know what my boyfriend looks like (because they never asked to see him). They knew that I'd tell my boyfriend everything they'd tell me, so I feel like they were cowards for not even talking to him on the phone.

After hearing what my parents were doing to me, my boyfriend wrote them a very long text message that explained everything "shady" with him, in a polite way. It included a section where he expressed his disappointment over not being able to meet them, but overall, it would've cleared up a lot of their fear.

Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash
Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash

Here's the thing though - after reflecting on everything, I realised that no matter what I tell them, nothing will improve the situation. My parents always felt like they couldn't trust me and telling them I had been hiding someone from them for half a year didn't help (though I always knew that no matter how long I'd wait with telling them, their reaction would be the same).

Since all my mom did was yell at me for four days straight, I decided not to give them the letter, mainly because I realised that I had to protect my boyfriend's and his family's identity from now on.

There's a bunch of stuff I didn't tell my parents because I didn't want them to freak out entirely - mainly details about his family that would've set them in a worse light than they are (I'll consider writing a take on that soon), but also how we had basically been living with one another for 5 months because we're inseperable or how we'd recently gone away together to put our relationship to a test yet again.

Talking to my friends about everything

I'm a very private person and have a hard time telling friends about what's going on. After revealing how toxic and emotionally abusive my family had been as a result of me telling them about my boyfriend, they were quite shocked, especially because they had always considered my parents to be nice, normal people.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

I told them a lot of very personal and intimate stuff about my relationship to be able to get the help that I was craving, and luckily, they were able to provide advice (go home as fast as you can and don't look back, you don't owe your parents anything right now, but we get that it's hard right now)

The aftermath (TW: suicide)

Indeed, I went home as fast as I could, my boyfriend picked me up after I had travelled for 11 hours and we haven't left each other's side since.

I'm disappointed with my parent's reaction and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them for what they said.

My brother told me in private that he accepted but didn't approve of my relationship, which was such a relief, at least I won't lose him.

Right now, it looks like I'll have to cut some ties with my family to be able to thrive again. As I outlined in a comment on my previous post, my parents make me want to kill myself. I hadn't had this many suicidal thoughts in such a long time and that's when I knew that I had to get away as soon as possible.

Photo by Larisa Birta on Unsplash
Photo by Larisa Birta on Unsplash

I've shared some amazing memories with my family, but it seems to me as though it's time to start building a life of my own. I don't think my parents are aware of the fact that no matter how they decide to treat me, I'll be okay.

If I broke up with my family, I'd be able to move in with my boyfriend officially, which I would like very much.

I don't want them to hate me or consider me an outcast either, so I don't know what I'll do yet. I'm currently taking one day at a time.

If you or someone close to you has been in a similar situation, how did you/they react?

Do you have any meaningful advice for me in this situation?

Thank you in advance for reading this and understanding that I will not bow down to people who haven't spent a second with someone I've gotten to know so well over the past 9+ months.

How telling my parents about my 6mo boyfriend went (they hate him for religious reasons)
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Most Helpful Girls

  • flamiE

    I was in a similar situation. I was dating a man way older than me and my parents didn’t approve but they accepted the situation, just like your brother. It took them a while to warm up to him. Now the problem was with my sister, she reacted very similar to your parents. She would tell me how he’s a grown man and wants kids while I was still in high school. How he’s too old and we see things differently etc. I told her she doesn’t know him and he makes me happy but she wouldn’t listen so I saw that as her trying to mess with my head and stopped talking to her. I moved to another country to be with him and still wasn’t talking to her. It took her 3 years to come around but I stood my ground. I made it clear she’ll have to stop trying to make me see him in a bad light if she wants to be in my life cause I’m dating this man. If she talks trash about him, she talks trash about me too. So anyway, she apologised and all and even after that when me and the man were having arguments she’d side with him. So would my parents. They would treat him as if he’s their son and I was the daughter in law lol. So they all finally saw him for what I’d been seeing him for. Not that my parents were mean to him or anything but it took them a bit to warm up to him. My sister changed drastically and I was so shocked.

    Having his back is what worked for me. I know a couple of situations where parents disowned their children but I know my family well to know they would respect my decision if I was to stay strong. Still, I was rolling the dice because you never know but in my head it was worth it.

    Hope that helps and good luck. I’ve been reading your posts since you started sharing your experience with your boyfriend and was looking forward to your updates on how it was going. It seems like you really like this man and if it’s like that, fight for him! We’re used to men fighting for us but sometimes we have to fight for them too. Do what makes you happy. 💫

    LikeDisagree 4 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Hey, thanks for reading the updates and commenting, that really means a lot, especially since your situation seems to have been similar.

      Since I already live in another country than my parents, it's easier for us to live our own lives, but I think that only when we build a completely new life together in a country that is strange to both of us we'll be able to fully thrive as a couple.

      My mom keeps texting me, telling me how I'm naive, stupid and am being lied to and that I should answer her calls.
      I more or less stopped talking to my parents, my dad will come around eventually I think, but my mom is having a really hard time with it and my brother is unpredictable too (and we don't really talk that much anyways).
      Currently, I'm trying to break ties with my overly controlling religion (not ready to talk about that yet) because I believe that my parents will back away if I tell them the truth, namely that I stopped believing in like 70% of the teachings that make up the center of their lives.

      I don't care about my parents disowning me or not. I know that their concerns are genuine and meant to be a guidance to me, but to be truthful, I've talked to my boyfriend about the issues they addressed months ago already...
      I think in situations like these, you have to fight for what you have/want to have and not forget how far you've come.

      Also, my parent's concern with his job is one I had very early on in our relationship, but we took care of that together by going through each step of how he makes money, him showing me receipts, bank accounts etc... That's not something I'd expect many couples to have went through at 6 months, you know?

      I trust my boyfriend more than my indoctrinated parents and I can no longer be okay with their pseudo religious line of reasoning. Obviously, I can't throw that in their face, so that's hard.

      Thanks again!

    • flamiE

      Since you two already are in another country than your parents it should be easier. If I were you, I would’ve done the same. You seem to have made up your mind so all I have to say is good luck. I really hope this unfolds the way you want it.

  • hi_it_is_me123

    Is your boyfriend muslim or is he in a cult? I have seen western women marrying muslim men and end up regretting it since they were pressured to convert to islam and some of them were threated and their husbands kidnap their kids to their homecountry. Some of them said their husbands were not like this before marriage. Ask him what he would think about it when you want be an atheist since muslim men only can marry muslim/jewish/christian and ask him about his political and religious views and what he thinks when you want to raise your kids as non religious since kids have to be raised as muslim and it does not matter if the mother is non muslim according to islam. I only would trust (turkish) liberal muslim to an certain extent since turkish people in liberal cities like izmir in turkey have more things in common with european people and have often same value as europeans. I am ex muslim but nobody know it since i know that my parents would not accept but i am happy that i live in an european country and that my parents care about my education at least. I also want to warn you that some muslim men sleep around with western women and end up marrying virgin muslim women. So be careful. I am saying this as a middleeastern exmuslim. I have seen it myself how some of my male cousins were a cunt and marry a virgin.

    LikeDisagree 5 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Lol your parents remembered of a conservative christian guy who was my friend and i was so annoyed how much talked about religions and he kinda tried to convert me lol. I personally can't stand any religion

    • Sorry if i offended you in any way

    • I am sorry what happened to you. I hope your parents accept you.

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • OlderAndWiser

    When I had been married for about 11 or 12 years, my mother, sister, and younger brother had an "intervention" with me to "explain" why my wife was so horrible for me and that I needed to divorce her. I felt compelled to make a choice between my wife and my family.

    I have a rule for such situations. If a "loved one" forces you to choose between them and someone else, the someone else must win and the "loved one" must lose because

    1. no one who really loves you would force you to make such a choice, and

    2. if you yield to the pressure from the loved one, then you have surrendered control of your life and that loved one will feel even more empowered to tell you how to live your life.

    I told my family that they should not expect to see me again anytime soon, and I left. I did not talk to my of my family members for the following year. Eventually, I had a talk with my mother and explained that we could resume having a relationship only if she acknowledged that I am in charge of my life, not her, and if she ever tried to tell me what to do again, it would be the last time she would ever see me.

    It was a bold and risky move, but it worked, and my mother never again tried to interfere in my relationships.

    EPILOGUE: Ultimately, my family was right about my wife, and we divorced. But that happened when I made the decision and not when someone else told me to do it. How I handled that situation was not based on whether they were right or wrong, but solely on the way they tried to take control of my life away from me.

    I hope this helps.

    Like 2 People
    • Thank you for sharing your experience - this indeed helped.

      I realised that I needed to step away and not look back when I moved out. At that point in time, it had become clear to me that I would never return.
      Falling in love with my boyfriend was a part of that process, but, different to what my parents think, it's not what caused me to believe that they're the toxic part in my life I have to get rid of.

      My boyfriend never judged me for my religion. He never judged me for my parents either, although I told him *in detail* how crazy they can be. He still wanted to meet them - and they took that away from him.
      I'm sad and hurt over that, and I hate how controlling my parents are trying to be, but I'm lucky to live on my own and very far away from them.

      It gives me a lot of peace.

      I hope they'll come around like your parents did.

    • Good luck with your situation. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk.

    • @OlderAndWiser perfect answer 😃. A person should be in charge of his/her own life.

    • Show All
  • razelove

    They'll get over it. It's unlikely they'll ever accept him, but at some point they'll realize their words are only pushing you further away and stop. My wife parents kicked her out and saw me as a white devil stealing their girl. It stayed that way for a few years. No matter what her or I said or did.

    She never had her siblings lose touch with her, her mom came around after a while, then her dad. I get that they'll never like me, her parents that is, but they accept her and our kids, and that's good enough for me.

    • Thank you for sharing your experience.
      I have the sincere hope that for me, things will be the same in a few years.
      And I really hope that my parents will realise that what they're saying is pushing me so far away I'm on the brink of never looking or coming back.

      I don't want to make a stupid decision that I'll regret for the rest of my life, but I'm highly aware that my parents will always disapprove of my decisions from now on because they'll think my boyfriend is behind them. That sucks.

    • w0810lv

      I am so happy to hear you say this but there's one thing I do want to tell you this stuff isn't subjective psychology isn't it's facts now the behaviors of people are subjective to it all we do is match a persons behavior to fit a diagnosis that's all and the thing about Psychopaths is they hide there behaviors to not be diagnosed but there's little behaviors and impulses that they all do they don't even know they do it so because of this we can recognize it so I'm happy you will do your own research but your not going to get any other conclusions cause there isn't the things I told you are facts so step back and pay intention to the behaviors if he is you will spot the oddness unless you don't know what a normal relationship looks like cause if you do it should be easy if objective about the behavior if it's there I won't say it's a 100% sure thing he is cause I'm not there and I don't know him or you and I could be wrong I mean you could

    • w0810lv

      be a Narcissist and he's your victim who knows or this whole thing is a story for fun nothing else but I look at it like this if there's.1 percent chance to help a person that in all likely hood is a Empath I'm going to try and if you don't know you are one you should study about Empaths it's a scienctific fact we are the victims for the people who have personality disorders they actually target us for there con game and he might not have apd it could be Npd easily from what you said cause the one thing I know is abuse breeds more abuse to the children they become one of three things always or there's at least one normal parent there they can be normal so if not they ether become the same as the abuser they devolep the same Personality Disorder or they become Co Dependent and can turn into a Empath who's Co Dependent this is all if there's not one normal person to shield and give them the proper love and structure and discipline a child needs to grow in this world so your Empath I would bet on it if what you have written is true and just so you know because of this theses type of people will always come after you if they can't get you into a relationship they will become your best friend and once again everyone says to me but there so nice and helpful and this and that I've heard it all but that's exactly what every one who's suffered from Narcissistic abuse syndrome said the first time I told them and a year later there saying I wish I would have listened so like I said just knowing the fact your a Empath increases the chances that he does so hope you actually do those things and study and learn

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  • Screenwriter

    Well, your parents aren't going to win any prizes for liberalism. They're being prejudiced and controlling. That's no reason for you to consider suicide.
    They're human and faliible, that's all.
    It's nice that you're enjoying your boyfriend, but he is not the only boyfriend you'll ever have. He's simply the first serious one, yes?
    Keep your separate residences. You don't know this guy that well yet. You're still in the "honeymoon" phase. Moving in with him will distract you from school and keeping your grades up.
    This relationship shouldn't be the most important thing in your life. Your education should be. Focus on that first, yourself second and your boyfriend third.
    Enjoy taking care of school and yourself. Then enjoy your time with your boyfriend.
    Don't get your wires crossed though.
    All this seems very heightened because you're 19 and life is fairly intense. Take it slow, take it easy and take care of yourself.
    If you feel suicidal, go to your school's counseling center and talk to a therapist and get help. You need objective support. Good luck.

    Like 3 People
  • TruthBringer

    I've been in a similar situation, only the difference was racial differences, not religious differences. I've been the guy who was discriminated against for my race. Long story short, I ended the relationship for multiple reasons and the discrimination from her family side was definitely one of them.

    As a Dutchman who grew up with Muslims and non-Muslims alike, I have managed to get good insights into their way of thinking and the way of thinking of Christians and non-Christians here in the west. All I can say is, as much as prejudice your parents are, I suggest you not compromise your relationship with them. Just let the relationship lead it's destined path. Either it will work out, or it won't. But don't ever drop family for the sake of someone who you are not certain that they would stay in your life.

    When it comes to your boyfriend, you can never know if he won't get tired of being discriminated against. No man of value and self-respect will tolerate this kind of prejudice from anyone, not even the family of his significant other. So you cannot be sure that he won't one day tell you: "Sorry, I can't take it anymore". And as someone who has been in a similar situation, I can tell you how debilitating it feels to be judged and not accepted for such reasons.

    When people tell you you're 19 and shouldn't be worrying about this as much, they are actually right. Maybe things will work out with him, if not, then it will work out with someone else. And perhaps with someone who your parents are okay with. But that doesn't matter now. Maybe your parents will come around one day, maybe they won't. What matters now is you focus on your relationship and see to it that it has a strong foundation, and not something that will end as soon as the honeymoon phase has passed.

    Like 2 People
    • Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it :)

    • @tallandsweet Best of luck to you. Hope things work out. Make sure you keep communicating with your boyfriend, especially when it comes to your parents. That's something my ex failed to do. She held information away from me afraid to lose me. Don't repeat her mistake

    • I think communication really is key, he knows about everything when it comes to my parents and my life in general :)

      I also told him each insult they had made about him, so he knows what he's up against (eventually, I mean, they won't meet him right now LOL).

      Thanks again, that really helped

  • KneeDragger

    Well, I didn’t read all the replies, but it looks like I’ll be the odd guy out. And please, please take this for what it is, a married dude with three daughters (all under ten, so I’ll see them change as they grow-up) right now, hopefully I’ll be blessed with more in the future.

    Emotions change, there is no doubt about that. Parents in my experience always love their kids, sometimes they don’t always love the choices made by their kids and sometimes the parents don’t always make the best choices. However, you do need to realize they believe they have your best interest at heart. After all they are probably twice your age, so they have twice the life experience you have. With the internet and twenty-four-hour news, big sad and extremely emotional stories sell. Recently there have been numerous articles and stories of young ladies taken by Muslim extremists and they have done horrible things to these young girls. Often the young ladies are lost forever, and their futures appear completely unknown and as a parent, that would scare the absolute crap out of me because there is nothing I could actively do.

    Is this boyfriend likely to do this to you? In complete honesty, I can’t tell you one way or the other. I don’t know you and I don’t know him. The chances of it happening are going up though because there are more extremists in America right now. The one thing you can do though is always do as much as you can to protect yourself. Now this applies to all ladies, in my opinion a lady should carry a firearm and receive training on how to properly use the firearm. Except right now ammunition is super expensive. The next best option (it might even be the best option!) is buy a knife called the Spyderco Matriarch 2 knife with a singet ring. Have the knife sharpened and if possible, buy a practice knife. Don’t ever use the knife for anything other than the intended purpose! The knife looks incredibly intimidating, which is awesome! When I lived in Phoenix about a decade ago, I had to pull my Civilian (the big brother of the Civilian) and as soon as other people saw the knife they screamed at their friend and nothing happened. A small detail relevant to the story, I have one functional arm so I need a tool to level the playing field.

    All the advice we give you is just information, and you are going to make the decision you want. Two little nuggets though, try to make big decisions in life after talking with people you respect, face to face is best AND try to decide in the morning, before the day has a chance to pull at your emotions.

    Like 1 Person
    • Thank you so much for taking your time to put your thoughts in writing.

      I love and respect my parents. I was raised in a high control religion and much of my parents' reaction is actually based on their incredibly narrow view of the world. They strongly believe that my boyfriend won't be a good influence for me, which I'd understand if they had brought reasonable arguments to the table, but unfortunately, all they were able to tell me was that I have put my trust into the hands of a person unworthy of this trust.

      I don't know if I was clear enough about this in my post, so I'll just say it. I've known this guy for more than 9 months now. I met him online, the first time I saw him in real life was after I had moved to another country, where everything was new for me (I had looked for men in the area I'd move to) - we met in a public place of course and he played a huge role in getting me to explore my new surroundings.
      Soon after getting to know him, things started to get more serious, we started dating officially, he told his parents, they had wanted to meet me ever since.
      I spent a month at his place, he spent 4 months at mine. We went on holiday for 2 weeks. My parents never noticed that I wasn't at home. My parents didn't sense that I had changed. My parents didn't know I was finally living life the way I wanted to live life in my late teens.

    • I think it was quite unreasonable of my parents to say that I had changed after they had learned I had a boyfriend and been in a relationship for half a year.
      I understand that my parents are afraid I'll run off to Syria with my boyfriend or whatever, but it's rude to imply that my boyfriend is an extremist before even getting to know him.

      Please don't act this way when your daughters TRY to introduce you to someone they deeply care about.

      When we were on holiday, neither of us wanted to return to our day to day life, we enjoyed being in a place neither of us had visited before and have since started to think about moving there at some point.

      It's taken a lot of courage and willpower to realise that my parent's religion isn't true. I have no intentions of converting to Islam, but even leaving my parent's faith will shatter them deeply.
      I'll have to choose between ending things with my boyfriend and disappointing my family.

      I can't live a lie anymore though. I'm proud of how much I've changed, and I'm sad to finally understand just how much my family oppressed and controlled me while I was living with them.

      Leaving a toxic family isn't a choice I'll make lightly though.

    • @tallandsweet - This medium is limited and my ability to convey my opinion will be limited, hopefully I’ll get to my relevant point before the end of the post ; )

      Because language can be a limiting factor wherever or whoever you are, here on the internet or even face-to-face, try and communicate yourself to the best of your abilities. Call to your parents and tell you want to talk things over. You should take the time to think about the point/s you want to bring to the front of the discussion. Try and be more mature in the conversation, show them this relationship is important to you and why. Because we are emotion creatures though, expect to cry so don’t wear makeup ; )

      However, take this part seriously. If you were a note taker in high school, take notes about the conversation with your parents. If they ask you what you are doing, just be honest. Fortunately, I was an audio learner, and I was able to recall things that were said and/or what happened. In my opinion you should have this conversation in the morning, after a good-nights sleep. Don’t go out the night before and maybe even tell your parents you want to come over for a breakfast to talk things over. Personally, I wouldn’t bring the boyfriend over, maybe that will happen the next meeting.

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  • w0810lv

    I'm actually very worried for you cause the thing is your parents are most likely suffering from NPD which is Narcissist Personality Disorder and they can't change and won't there's a thing Called Gaslighting and don't trust your brother he might have it to so the whole thing is a game They Love Bomb then once they have you they start to isolate you from the world and friends and once this starts they start devaluing you and it's the classic hot cold scenario and then finally comes Discard where they will pull a major problem in you to get you and everyone else to think your crazy and get you back under control your parents and your brother will do this to you over over and you need treatment to for mist likely being Co Dependent and an Empath but here's my other fear is your boyfriend what if he's like them but he's got Apd and not Npd it's just would be way harder to spot in the begining and since it really doesn't seem like you know what these plain mental illnesses are you won't be able to tell if your boyfriend has one cause it seems like he really might you want to know for go have his head scanned to were you never leave his side or the docs s and set up a review with you right after the scan and make sure you hear the results cause so far he has you isolated completely you have no escape at all even if you wanted and I'm sorry try 2 years before things my go bad and since there masters at gaslighting how would you even know so the only thing I can see is your family suffers from Npd including your brother and you were a abused child who grew into a Empath then you met a guy to were seems like he's troubles all on his own and once you told your family you finally realized how bad they were and got help from some of your friends and now your isolated with a man that at this point could be normal or could be full blown Psychopath and has you exactly were he wants you and since like you said it's only been 5 or 6 months which I'm sorry not long enough Psychopaths will start cheating after a year I mean most Narcissist will last a year so I beg you to please study NPD and APD and Empaths and Narcissistic victims syndrome and what do all three target and one of the most important things is gaslighting it's the thing that pulls this toxic web together and I'll tell you this you don't have to believe a word I'm saying as far as you know I could be nuts and yes I know your boyfriend so sweet and nice and would never hurt me yeah yeah I know go look at ex victims and look what everyone or them wrote to they all wrote that too and boy were they wrong and yes I know I know but I'm smarter than those women and men and my boyfriend isn't those guys my boyfriend hasn't ever even yelled at me he goes out of his way to show me and once again I say go look what they said too and I know your still going to be a denyer and then I now say I thought I was smart too and I honestly didn't know shit or this world like I thought and here one more thing don't believe me if your smart you won't which is smart not to so here's what I say to good everything I've said can be looked up and read and is verifiable and you can find out for yourself and if learning I'm right for yourself isn't enough to break you free from a fairytale that is never going to be go and see a psychologist with a PhD in personality disorders and maybe they can convince you cause if all that doesn't then it's too late and you have already been turned.

    Like 1 Person
    • Thank you for adding your opinion here.
      I agree that something is sverely wrong with my parents and I don't 100% trust my brother either.
      I am NOT allowing anyone to isolate me though. I won't deny anything you just said simply because I think is was meaningful and interesting, I'll do my own research and then draw conclusions. Thank you for your help!

  • Leylaland

    I read all of it.
    1st ur 19, your main focus should be preparing urself to get a job that u won't regret later and be able to sustain yourself without the help of anyone else just you.
    2. Don't get married so young if ur thinking about it. Just live together ur still in the honey moon phase of the relationship and more that he spends time away. Right now just enjoy the ride but don't take any major decisions.
    3. He says he's not to much in to it from his religion. Things can change over time. Observe how the parents get along u need more time to observe them, see how he treats her mother thats for any future relation you may have in future. How he treats her thats how he is gonna treat you.
    People can change you know. I dated an older guy I never liked men older than me by 10 years never but things happened I presented him to my mom she didn't say not date him or do date him but i could tell she didn't like him, at that moment he was insisting on getting married. My mom said live together 1 year first at least get to know eachothet he was "catholic believer " just bs that we need to get married that was indecent and I never heard those things before from him when we dated. Then i started to notice he was controlling dont go out I want you in the house, be more like demanding dont go out and stay and clean the house, my weekends was clean the house, we both worked. And woke up super early to cook his breakfast for work and mine. But it got to a point it didn't feel right and something inside me was just get out get out so i did. Now that i think back I doo think we werent in sync and he changed beeing the polite correct man to be a manipulative kid. I dont mind cleaning but how he said it. The way, the tone the look on his face. Everything changed. That's why I say get to know him more than a year living together.

    Enjoy this part of your life ur still in your teens, still many things you need to live and experience.

    Yes ur parents dint handle it that well. At least they let u date him. Do that just date.
    And start working on you college is the plave were you learn more about urself, why rush things what's the hurry.

    Never ever leave the house because u hate how u live with your parents u will endup worse because u can't go back. Is better to first live by yourself. Be able to support urself then choose the guy.

    Good luck.

    Like 1 Person
  • etexbearkat

    I have some thoughts on this. If your boyfriend is a devout Muslim, and you are not willing to convert to Islam, you need to reconsider the relationship, and possibly breakup with him. It is very rare those relationships work out in the end. The way your parents handled things was inappropriate, but do not dismiss their concerns.

    I'm not telling you to break up with your boyfriend, but if he's a devout Muslim, and you are unwilling to convert, that has the potential to put a wedge between you and him that cannot be reconciled. As stated above, those relationships rarely ever work out. My mom's sister-in-law was raised a Southern Baptist, and she ended up converting to Pentecostalism, and she and my uncle have been married for more than 33 years. My mom's father was raised Methodist, and eventually converted to Pentecostalism, and my mom's parents were married for more than 44 years. That's not as a big of a jump, because the core beliefs of Methodism, the Southern Baptist Convention, and trinitarian Pentecostalism are the same.

    My biggest piece of advice is to take your emotions out of it. Reflect on things, and make the decision that's best for you.

    Like 2 People
    • Thank you for your advice.
      My boyfriend was born into a muslim family but doesn't seem to be a devout muslim. I've never seen him pray or do anything that would make me believe he takes his faith very seriously. He told me he's struggling with religion right now and needs to figure things out for himself - he hasn't been to a mosque in ages.
      If he was a devout muslim, he wouldn't be able to be in a relationship in the first place, especially not with a non believer like myself.

      His parents are modern, open-minded turkish people. I don't think any of my boyfriend's siblings married a muslim woman/man, so it doesn't seem like they care. Religion was never addressed in his family, while I obviously gave him all the tea on how my family would view him due to his religion.

      Personally, I never wanted someone by my side who was crazier about religion than me - I've started to care much, much less about religion, and hence I knew I didn't wanna raise my kids in any denomination.
      He's fine with that, we'd like to tell our kids (if we have any in the future) that we believe there is A GOD (without giving him a name) because of... and then give them reasons, but that's about it.
      There's no point for me to raise my kids in the religion I was brought up in. I don't want to do that.

      And that should quite honestly be my choice to make.

      As far as your other advice went, I agree with you 100% - if he was a devout muslim, he'd want me to convert (though we talked about converting to either of our religions at the beginning of our friendship and quickly realised neither of us wanted that) and this would break us apart.

      I also never wanted to dismiss my parent's concerns. I agreed with some of them and talked to my boyfriend about it (obviously), but what I don't get is why they feel it's okay to step on my toes by not even wanting to meet someone I've been spending ALL of my time with.

    • You mentioned he’s from Turkey. In terms of Islamic countries, Turkey is the most secular (I’m not sure how secular Lebanon is). Ultimately, who you date and marry is your choice. Marriage is a big decision. Your parents might come around eventually. It took a while for my mom to come around to accepting the friendship I have with my best friend (who is my picture; she’s on the left), and my mom even bought her Christmas gifts this past Christmas.

    • I agree that Turkey (afar from Politics) perhaps has the most liberal and secular muslims, but I haven't seen all countries in the middle east, so I wouldn't know.
      I'm still careful (obviously), but to me, my boyfriend is German and not Turkish and I would've preferred if my parents had treated him that way too.
      I already introduced them to my ex some years ago and that went so much better - you may see now why I consider them to be racist and perhaps afraid of his religion (which he doesn't practice (it's Ramadan right now so I'd know if he cared)). Unfortunately, only meeting him will clear that up and that won't happen anytime soon.

      Oh, the irony!

  • slatyb

    I'm so sorry your parents are so rigid. Are you living away from home now? It sounds like you should spend as little time with them as possible. If you are financially independent that will be easier. You should set boundaries with them -- if they start in on your and your boyfriend, then just get up and leave.

    It sounds like your boyfriend isn't all that religious. What about you?

    Like 1 Person
    • I am luckily living away from home.
      I agree that boundaries will probably be the only solution... I have suggested that they completely ignore the fact that I have a boyfriend, but my mom in particular seems to have a hard time with that.

      I was brought up in a small Christian denomination that shares some rather bizarre views of the world (not ready to reveal which one, just imagine the one you thought of fastest). When I met my boyfriend, I was okay, but after going on my first and second date with him, I felt A LOT OF GUILT.
      I decided that I had sinned in some way and needed more prayers (at that point, we had neither held hands nor kissed or done anything else that is considered a sin). I ignored the feeling, but it only grew stronger.
      About two months ago, I did a deep dive and discovered that most of the stuff I had believed in all my life were not based on the bible or simply didn't make any sense for a sane person.
      From that point onwards, I took a few steps back each day to examine the big picture and to think about each and every scenario that my life could look like if I did X or Y.

      I haven't fully decided to leave my church as I know that this will tear my family apart and that they'll never forgive me for it, but I don't even believe half of it anymore. Still, it'll be easier to fake it for 10 years or so and to then quietly and without causing a scene, leave.

    • So to be very clear: my boyfriend met a smart girl who had very, very extreme views of the world and was still able to love her.
      I am in no position to judge him for being born into Islam, I was the extremist in our relationship at the very beginning and it took me a lot of mental strength to deal with all the guilt people around me were trying to make me feel.

      My parent's reaction is mainly guilt-driven too ("why is she like this now? did we make mistakes in the way we raised her?") and hence they are trying to make me feel guilty too, but this will no longer work.

      Hope that answered your question.

    • slatyb

      Sounds like you are on your way to a happy independent life. Tell your parents whatever you like. If they are going to act out when you tell the truth, say nothing. If they do act out, exit. Just say "I understand how you feel, I don't want to discuss it." If they persist, you may leave. They will learn, or not. But it's their choice to be ugly, and you don't have to accept it. Best wishes.

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  • Jjpayne

    This is one of those things that will probably get better once you are married, if you decide to get married. After a while, they will have to adjust to your choice. For now, all you can do is adjust to their stance and know how they will respond to your boyfriend and to you.

    LikeDisagree 4 People
    • I agree - from what I've seen, they will be fine eventually (no more yelling/blaming me for making "wrong" choices), but right now, they're still really angry.
      I'd be fine with that if they weren't so verbally and emotionally abusive. There are ways for them to express their concern without them condemning me as much...

      I also truly hope that our relationship stabilizes once we get married.

  • Pummel

    I don't know you or your parents, having said that they are correct about one thing. If you are Christian, that is a follower of the God of Abraham according to His Word the KJV bible (KJV being taken from the received text... meaning it came from Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter, James and Paul, their manuscripts which were found in Antioch) and your boyfriend being of the Muslim faith... it will not work out.

    How devout are you and your boyfriend to your said faiths?

    Like 1 Person
    • I outlined this in my post and my replies, neither me nor my boyfriend are devout.
      The bible recommends that we don't marry unbelievers, so does the Quran - if we were devout, we wouldn't even be able to be in a relationship.

      I think that's pretty clear.

  • 007kingifrit

    we have been at war with the muslim turks for 700 years. his ancestors raped and enslaved yours. why john smith (who married pocahauntus) was captured as a child and sold as a muslim sex slave. he escaped from greece and became a sailor.

    so to say you have no respect for your ancestry is an understatement. your parents have every right to be upset

    LikeDisagree 4 People
    • I'm European and have no idea what you're referring to. Christians killed Muslims just like Muslims killed Christians. That was so long ago, are you saying a white person can't be with a black person because black people used to be held as slaves and hence there's no way a relationship like that would work?

    • @tallandsweet Don't listen to this bitter fool. Can't reason with someone who lives in the past and is holding current people accountable for the actions of people in the past.

    • @tallandsweet no, muslims were the principle aggressor in every situation. always have been

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  • Pasiton5

    I want to point out that being conservative has nothing to do with their racist view, racism is across the board weather your liberal conservative or independent, in only saying that adding that they were conservative was unnecessary save only paints a one sided picture, in those of us who are conservative,, now I understand your wanting your parents approval and acceptance of your dude, and I feel for you because it's ignorant to think one religion is better than another when they all worship the same God, and religious leaders of ask sect of religion know this but that's for another time, it's your life to live it be with who ever you choose, your parents mean well, and I don't knock anyone for what they believe or feel, that's his they choose to live in such a narrow view of the world what can you say or do, respect them but move on with your life, and it's those like you who didn't follow blindly your parents ideology but your heart and it's those like you that being about change in people mind hearts open then free then from their ignorance in thinking, honestly your a very brave young woman and what do it matter what color or religion the person you open your heart to share this life with us looking as there's two honest respect love admiration between you,, don't ever show yourself to even let those thought enter your mind again ok you already down his strong and determined you are, I applaud you for your courage and ability to be different than your folks in sure they are good people is how they were taught they will come around in time if you can keep in contact with you brother and instill in him that he needs to educate himself more about the world is not only black and white take care God bless you and your guy he seems like a good dude,

  • hellionthesagereborn

    Well I would try to not live with your parents first. Second, its your life not theirs so they don't get a say in it. Third, it is clear they don't know him and thus their opinion is irrelevant, its like asking about medical advice from an engineer, they have no credentials to give that advice so why would you do it? Fourth, you can be christian and marry a non christian I don't see any issue with that at all. Fifth, the hardest workers I've known have been immigrants because they believe in the American dream still (unlike many native born American's sadly) so as long as what he is doing is legal (which I'm sure it is) I have no doubt that he is going to be sucessful as long as he keeps up that hard work (which again, most immigrants will because they come from places that don't have those same opportunities so they take full advantage of them when they get here).

    In short, congratulations, take it slow (not because he is muslim but because you should take things slow regardless), and make sure your independent of your parents that way they can't interfere with your life unless you let them.

    • I moved out ~ a year ago.
      They feel entitled to their opinion and I would've appreciated it if they could've voiced it in a way that was not hurtful.
      But of course, how would you be able to say something about someone you don't know? That's why I wanted them to meet him, for them to be able to express RELEVANT concerns. Instead, I faced racist bullshit they had buried deep in their hearts years ago.
      No teen deserves that and it took me a 2h phone call with a friend to understand that what they're doing isn't okay because of how they were making me feel along the way.
      Not once did I yell or lose my temper (like I usually would've). I stayed calm.
      Like you, I don't see an issue with interreligious marriage, unless one partner is way more into religion than the other (which isn't the case).
      We're based in Central Europe, but the situation with immigrants is very similar here than you described it in the US. Hardworking people minding their own business. Also, my boyfriend was born and raised in Central Europe, but my parents suggested that he's a refugee/asylum seeker... That really hurt me, he tries so hard and they'll never fully accept him.
      Of course everything he does is legal :)

      Also, I really want us to go at our own pace, so yeah, going slow is great, exactly what I need and I'm sure that ignoring my parents' attempts to controll me and my life will pay off in the future. I won't allow them to get in the middle of my relationship.

    • Well I can understand the concern with refugees and asylum seekers. Their are many who are their to exploit the nation but that has nothing to do with race or religion. Its like in the US, we have illegal alien problems here and they exploit our welfare system, bring violence etc. into our country and then after they drain our resources (we spend billions a year on welfare for illegal aliens) and after they have taken our jobs (the big corporations love them because they work for cheap because they use welfare to supplement their income and the rest goes back to their home countries ) they then move back to their home country and live off the wealth they extracted.

      However that is not IMMIGRANTS which are usually far more at least in the US, patriotic and hard working then even native born americans (because they earned the right to be here, they know how hard things where in their home country and so they really appreciate the opportunities they have hear). I imagine that is the same in Europe. So that could be the problem, they are conflating the two groups who are very different and have decided that he is bad because he happens to look like or have the same religion of those who are not respectful to the people in that country. That is absolutely a problem but perhaps if this is the case you can try to persuade them (in time, it will probably take a good amount of time) to see him as different from that group (because its not fair. Its kind of like saying that since their are criminals in america all americans are criminals. Its irrational and completely inaccurate).

    • Though again, making sure that they have no leverage on you is your best short term option. Also yes slow and steady is a good thing (I think in our day and age people rush to much.). So maybe by taking it slow you can get them use to the idea then I would point out that their is a difference between the two groups, that just because some muslims are exploiting the system doesn't mean all muslims are and just because they are born in what ever country your from and are not exploiting that system doesn't mean their are not others of that nation who are christian who are not also exploiting the system. The religion and race doesn't determine that, its whether or not they are a good person that determines that.

      Either way good luck with everything and congrats on finding a good guy even if your parents are being stubborn and stupid about it.

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  • msc545

    You said that your parents make you feel like killing yourself; my immediate thought is that if I had parents that disrespected me that much, it would make me feel like killing *them*.

    I am sorry you have such horrible bigots for your parents. Your boyfriend sounds like a good man.

    Like 1 Person
    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
      I've had a complicated relationship with them for years, this is the result of that.

      My boyfriend supports every choice I make - if he had an issue, he'd phrase it in a respectful way. Can't say the same about my parents.

    • msc545

      I'm truly sorry. When and if you have children I think your parents (or at least your mother) will demand to see them Don't give in to that. No child deserves to spend time with a bigot.

    • I fully agree with this, it'll be my choice whether they see my future kids or not.
      Also, I feel like me and my boyfriend communicate very well and will find our own pace in the world, regardless of our parents.

  • DJ1991

    Fuck it.

    do you like him, do u love him?

    Then go for it, notice I don't say write them off. But make them realize they don't have a say and if your happiness is important to them they need to get to know him

    Like 1 Person
    • I agree with this, obviously I'll always care about what my parents have to say, but if their concerns aren't based on reason, I think it's okay to ignore them :)

  • Lliam

    What a well written, thoughtful and heartfelt MyTake, tallandsweet.
    I agree with your POV. You're doing the right thing to follow your own path.
    It's too bad that your parents don't have more respect for you as a person and for your ability to make good choices on your own.

    I had a wonderful childhood, myself, but ran into more and more conflict with my dad in my mid-teens. I had to follow my own path as opposed to being his "mini me". He was just too inflexible and incapable of having respectful discussion.

    In the end, things turned out well. We finally resolved our issues and became friends again when I was in my mid-30s.

    Like 2 People
  • Pogi-Paddy-2

    You should know that no matter non-religous you are, if you are dating a Muslim man eventually he will ask you to convert to Islam, as for your parents Christians tend to look down on Muslims which is ironic seeing that Mohamed is the son of Sarah who was the wife of Abraham.

    Like 1 Person
    • Thank you for your reply.
      Abraham had two sons, Ishmael and Isaac. Isaac was the son of Sarah while Ishmael, the firstborn, was Hagar's son.
      Jesus and Muhammad have nothing in common other than the fact that they share Abraham as an ancestor.
      Muhammad is not the son of Sarah though, he's also not related to her, only to Abraham (and Hagar)

    • Ishmael was the son of Sarah, not Mohamed. Abraham had two sons. The first was Ishmael, whom he had with Hagar, who was an Egyptian princess. The second son was Isaac, whom he had with Sarah. Isaac was the father of Jews, and Ishmael was the father of Arabs (Muslims). So Jews and Muslims share a common ancestor, and are actually half-brothers.

    • @Keyboardkat Ishmael was the son of Hagar though, I think in your first sentence you meant to write "Isaac" because the rest is correct.

      Isaac is also the foundation for Christianity, not just for Judaism, since he's an ancestor of Jesus according to the bible.

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  • Avicenna

    Well, I guess I should add my insights to those of others since I have been the foreign boyfriend a number of times myself and lived for a long time in Germany.
    First of all, although your parents should have communicated their feelings with you more diplomatically, they do care about you, even if it doesn’t seem that way, and that’s part of their vehement opposition to your relationship. The truth is, relationships between Turks and Germans/Austrians are known to have a lot of difficulties, no matter whether it’s the female or male partner who is either one), so it’s natural for family members to be opposed to them. Yo give you one example, I lived next door to a German man married to a Turkish woman for six years. His family visited frequently, but hers never did and she admitted that her family had cut ties with her since he married a German. They also had kids together but she never spoke Turkish with them, and that’s something that would bother Turkish family members.
    Your parents may end up accepting him if he treats you well and there is no pressure to get you to convert to Islam.

    • I still love my parents.
      That example sounds plausible to me, I'm glad that his family is accepting. I'm trying to teach myself some Turkish, but I have no intention of trying to get beyond B2, the language doesn't make sense to me but I want to understand some basics (as I think everyone in a bilingual relationship should make an effort to learn their partner's first or second language).

      My parents will have very strong opinions when it comes to raising kids that I may not share. His parents aren't perfect either, but I still think that by the time I have kids, I'll accept that they deserve to at least meet their grandparents.

      There's absolutely no pressure for me to convert. It wouldn't make sense for us.

    • Avicenna

      That’s good, but also remember that class and/or educational differences are also a source of pressure in a relationship and a source of disapproval,

  • Unit1

    No offense. But that is exactly what happens when one's parents are strict or racist or xenophobic (hating other nations) or dumb or losers or whatever and then they get told about the relationships of their kids. I never told my parents about any of my relationships (and I had only one). It's a private matter - as is most of my life. Normal people usually don't go around telling about how they had mind blowing sex with their spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or whoever to their friends or whatever.

    This is why money is the most important thing in the world, so that you can decide who to see, who not to see, who to love, who to marry, whatever.
    This also ensures, that if they are gonna disown you, then they're only gonna shoot themselves in the foot, having invested in you but not accepting your authenticity. Money enables independence.

    LikeDisagree 5 People
    • Unit1

      Get your ass outta my yard.

    • Sorry für den kleinen Gegenteil-von-leer-Pfosten, der kommentiert da überall mit seiner komischen Meinung und gibt keine Ruhe.
      I appreciated your words, I don't think my parents are aware of how all they've done is push me away farther with their actions.
      I don't care if they diswon me either.

      Am Ende wird immer alles gut, vor allem, wenn man zwischen sich selbst und den Menschen in seinem Leben, die Religion in jedes verdammte Argument einbauen (egal worum es geht), möglichst viel Land bekommt.

    • Unit1

      Dieser Trottel soll seine fetten Arschbacken von unseren Tellern wegschieben.

      Gut! Wir verstehen uns dann. Ich hoffe bei dir wird dann alles in Ordnung laufen. Als Beispiel bei mir habe ich die Familie verlassen und verdiene mir selbst meinen Lebensunterhalt. Meine Eltern haben das nicht gekonnt, also tuhe ich das selbst.
      Von daher meine Obsession über das Geld.

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