How telling my parents about my 6mo boyfriend went (they hate him for religious reasons)

[tallandsweet]

An update

I know I haven't posted in a while, so here's what happened: I met my boyfriend's parents - they really liked me and I couldn't be more thrilled to get such a positive response.

His dad offered to gift us an apartment, which was really sweet (we didn't take him up on his offer though, we'd prefer to get started on our own)

I decided that it was time that he met my parents since it seemed like a natural next step at the time.

I'd have loved if he could've visited them for 1-3 weeks and gotten to know everyone well. However, I didn't have high expectations when it came to how they'd treat him; since I had always been aware of how unpredictable my parents are, I had several ways of dealing with different scenarios.

I had no idea what would happen after telling them I had a boyfriend though.

I'd really appreciate it if you'd read through the whole take instead of just basing your answer off the title, thanks!

Telling my parents about my boyfriend

I was really, really nervous. I waited for several hours before finally bringing up the courage to tell them - first my mom, then my dad. To say that they weren't pleased would be an understatement.

My boyfriend didn't finish an aprenticeship he started and he was kicked out of school recently because he had missed too many lessons (due to Covid).

He's been working as an entrepreneur for the past ~2 years, supporting himself and his family very well.

Photo by XPS on Unsplash

I didn't want to tell my parents what he does for a living, I'd have preferred if he would've been able to do that because it's complicated and I didn't wanna say something incorrect.

Because of this, my parents deemed that he's a shady person.

Their reasoning

I told my parents what his parents do for a living, that I met them and how they had welcomed me with open hearts. I told them how I had been with my boyfriend for half a year now after meeting him on an online dating site, how he had travelled so many miles/km to see me each time we'd met and so on. Those of you who have stuck around for a while know that it seemed highly unlikely that we'd ever make it to the 6 month mark, so honestly, I told my parents because I was happy and felt good about my choices.

Once again, me and my parents are devout christians and my boyfriend and his family are muslim - however, he hasn't prayed in months and doesn't seem to care much about the religion. I wouldn't describe him as a devout muslim.

Once my parents found out that his parents are immigrants, they blatantly told me that we don't have the same culture and that it'll never work out between us.

Photo by Jessica Da Rosa on Unsplash

My mom thinks I'm naive and that he's lied to me from the beginning, that he can't be a virgin simply because he's of turkish decent (which to her means he HAS TO BE a fuckboy).

My dad repeatedly said that he doesn't want someone who prays to Allah in his house and that he wants me to break up with him.

Also, my parents noted that they'd have wished for me to have told them about my relationship RIGHT AFTER meeting him on Tinder because then, they would've been able to break us up from the start.

My parents are convinced that I'm pregnant (like that's the only reason I'd tell them I have a boyfriend), which is not the case. Also, my mother felt like she had to make a point by repeatedly telling me that I'm too young to have a relationship in the first place because I haven't finished my education yet (I'm 19 and studying at university).

Finally, they "know in their hearts" that he won'e allow me to finish my education and that he'll force me to become a stay at home mom if I got pregnant. This honestly couldn't be farther from the truth, he's so proud of me for studying at university.

Thinking about what they said

I heard my parents out first because I value their opinion and advice. Then, I took time for myself to reflect over what they had pointed out and talked to my boyfriend about my findings as well.

I understand that it's my parent's choice to decide over who they allow to sleep in their house. That's perfectly fine with me. What's not okay is the very racist things they said. For example, they added that he wouldn't even be allowed to sleep in a tent in the garden, LOL.

Photo by Mohammad Metri on Unsplash

I understand perfectly well where they're coming from and why they said what they said because I'm familiar with their upbringing. I always knew that my parents were conservative and didn't support interreligious marriage, but what they said was that interreligious marriage never works, which clearly isn't true.

My family doesn't know what my boyfriend looks like (because they never asked to see him). They knew that I'd tell my boyfriend everything they'd tell me, so I feel like they were cowards for not even talking to him on the phone.

After hearing what my parents were doing to me, my boyfriend wrote them a very long text message that explained everything "shady" with him, in a polite way. It included a section where he expressed his disappointment over not being able to meet them, but overall, it would've cleared up a lot of their fear.

Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash

Here's the thing though - after reflecting on everything, I realised that no matter what I tell them, nothing will improve the situation. My parents always felt like they couldn't trust me and telling them I had been hiding someone from them for half a year didn't help (though I always knew that no matter how long I'd wait with telling them, their reaction would be the same).

Since all my mom did was yell at me for four days straight, I decided not to give them the letter, mainly because I realised that I had to protect my boyfriend's and his family's identity from now on.

There's a bunch of stuff I didn't tell my parents because I didn't want them to freak out entirely - mainly details about his family that would've set them in a worse light than they are (I'll consider writing a take on that soon), but also how we had basically been living with one another for 5 months because we're inseperable or how we'd recently gone away together to put our relationship to a test yet again.

Talking to my friends about everything

I'm a very private person and have a hard time telling friends about what's going on. After revealing how toxic and emotionally abusive my family had been as a result of me telling them about my boyfriend, they were quite shocked, especially because they had always considered my parents to be nice, normal people.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

I told them a lot of very personal and intimate stuff about my relationship to be able to get the help that I was craving, and luckily, they were able to provide advice (go home as fast as you can and don't look back, you don't owe your parents anything right now, but we get that it's hard right now)

The aftermath (TW: suicide)

Indeed, I went home as fast as I could, my boyfriend picked me up after I had travelled for 11 hours and we haven't left each other's side since.

I'm disappointed with my parent's reaction and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them for what they said.

My brother told me in private that he accepted but didn't approve of my relationship, which was such a relief, at least I won't lose him.

Right now, it looks like I'll have to cut some ties with my family to be able to thrive again. As I outlined in a comment on my previous post, my parents make me want to kill myself. I hadn't had this many suicidal thoughts in such a long time and that's when I knew that I had to get away as soon as possible.

Photo by Larisa Birta on Unsplash

I've shared some amazing memories with my family, but it seems to me as though it's time to start building a life of my own. I don't think my parents are aware of the fact that no matter how they decide to treat me, I'll be okay.

If I broke up with my family, I'd be able to move in with my boyfriend officially, which I would like very much.

I don't want them to hate me or consider me an outcast either, so I don't know what I'll do yet. I'm currently taking one day at a time.

If you or someone close to you has been in a similar situation, how did you/they react?

Do you have any meaningful advice for me in this situation?

Thank you in advance for reading this and understanding that I will not bow down to people who haven't spent a second with someone I've gotten to know so well over the past 9+ months.

[flamiE]

I was in a similar situation. I was dating a man way older than me and my parents didn’t approve but they accepted the situation, just like your brother. It took them a while to warm up to him. Now the problem was with my sister, she reacted very similar to your parents. She would tell me how he’s a grown man and wants kids while I was still in high school. How he’s too old and we see things differently etc. I told her she doesn’t know him and he makes me happy but she wouldn’t listen so I saw that as her trying to mess with my head and stopped talking to her. I moved to another country to be with him and still wasn’t talking to her. It took her 3 years to come around but I stood my ground. I made it clear she’ll have to stop trying to make me see him in a bad light if she wants to be in my life cause I’m dating this man. If she talks trash about him, she talks trash about me too. So anyway, she apologised and all and even after that when me and the man were having arguments she’d side with him. So would my parents. They would treat him as if he’s their son and I was the daughter in law lol. So they all finally saw him for what I’d been seeing him for. Not that my parents were mean to him or anything but it took them a bit to warm up to him. My sister changed drastically and I was so shocked.


Having his back is what worked for me. I know a couple of situations where parents disowned their children but I know my family well to know they would respect my decision if I was to stay strong. Still, I was rolling the dice because you never know but in my head it was worth it.


Hope that helps and good luck. I’ve been reading your posts since you started sharing your experience with your boyfriend and was looking forward to your updates on how it was going. It seems like you really like this man and if it’s like that, fight for him! We’re used to men fighting for us but sometimes we have to fight for them too. Do what makes you happy. 💫

[tallandsweet]

Hey, thanks for reading the updates and commenting, that really means a lot, especially since your situation seems to have been similar.

Since I already live in another country than my parents, it's easier for us to live our own lives, but I think that only when we build a completely new life together in a country that is strange to both of us we'll be able to fully thrive as a couple.

My mom keeps texting me, telling me how I'm naive, stupid and am being lied to and that I should answer her calls.
I more or less stopped talking to my parents, my dad will come around eventually I think, but my mom is having a really hard time with it and my brother is unpredictable too (and we don't really talk that much anyways).
Currently, I'm trying to break ties with my overly controlling religion (not ready to talk about that yet) because I believe that my parents will back away if I tell them the truth, namely that I stopped believing in like 70% of the teachings that make up the center of their lives.

I don't care about my parents disowning me or not. I know that their concerns are genuine and meant to be a guidance to me, but to be truthful, I've talked to my boyfriend about the issues they addressed months ago already...
I think in situations like these, you have to fight for what you have/want to have and not forget how far you've come.

Also, my parent's concern with his job is one I had very early on in our relationship, but we took care of that together by going through each step of how he makes money, him showing me receipts, bank accounts etc... That's not something I'd expect many couples to have went through at 6 months, you know?

I trust my boyfriend more than my indoctrinated parents and I can no longer be okay with their pseudo religious line of reasoning. Obviously, I can't throw that in their face, so that's hard.

Thanks again!

[flamiE]

Since you two already are in another country than your parents it should be easier. If I were you, I would’ve done the same. You seem to have made up your mind so all I have to say is good luck. I really hope this unfolds the way you want it.

[hi_it_is_me123]

Is your boyfriend muslim or is he in a cult? I have seen western women marrying muslim men and end up regretting it since they were pressured to convert to islam and some of them were threated and their husbands kidnap their kids to their homecountry. Some of them said their husbands were not like this before marriage. Ask him what he would think about it when you want be an atheist since muslim men only can marry muslim/jewish/christian and ask him about his political and religious views and what he thinks when you want to raise your kids as non religious since kids have to be raised as muslim and it does not matter if the mother is non muslim according to islam. I only would trust (turkish) liberal muslim to an certain extent since turkish people in liberal cities like izmir in turkey have more things in common with european people and have often same value as europeans. I am ex muslim but nobody know it since i know that my parents would not accept but i am happy that i live in an european country and that my parents care about my education at least. I also want to warn you that some muslim men sleep around with western women and end up marrying virgin muslim women. So be careful. I am saying this as a middleeastern exmuslim. I have seen it myself how some of my male cousins were a cunt and marry a virgin.

[hi_it_is_me123]

Lol your parents remembered of a conservative christian guy who was my friend and i was so annoyed how much talked about religions and he kinda tried to convert me lol. I personally can't stand any religion

[hi_it_is_me123]

Sorry if i offended you in any way

[hi_it_is_me123]

I am sorry what happened to you. I hope your parents accept you.

[tallandsweet]

Thanks for your long reply and your really helpful input!

My boyfriend was born into a liberal family from Istanbul. He's muslim but from what I've seen, he couldn't care less about it. He doesn't pray or want me to convert and in his family, very few women wear hijabs in his extended family and overall, we're good when it comes to religion.

I'm a part of a small christian denomination, you could very easily call it a cult. For him to have been this accepting of it all that time is truly remarkable in my opinion.
I identify as Christian, but even if I was atheist, it would be okay with him.

We've talked about a lot of these things, especially when it comes to raising kids etc.

He doesn't support turkish politics, we don't talk about that stuff either because for me, he's German and not Turkish. He couldn't care less about all that stuff, so I don't know, it's just strange for me that my parents don't believe me.

According to my boyfriend, talking someone into converting to islam as a muslim isn't okay, so I don't know - he'd never force me and I don't think he cares about the whole thing based on the frequency it's come up in conversations (basically never).

I know, people can always change, but so far, things seem good. I'm what he's been looking for for a long time and a virgin too.

[tallandsweet]

And you didn't offend me, don't worry!

[hi_it_is_me123]

Oh he seems pretty liberal to me especially when he said that he does not like the current turkish government which is very conservative and islamic. The thing is turkey was not religious before this current government and many turkish people did not even know their religion. There were conservative muslims too but half of the population was not religious. This means many people drank alcohol, had boyfriend/girlfriend, did not pray etc. Lol turkey even tolerated lbgtq members more than european countries many years ago. Due to this current government the number of atheists is rising since people are reading the quran and realize that islam does not fit with their values and since they have enough of political islam. However, i also have to add that being non religious or being atheist does not make a turkish person have european values. I have seen atheist turkish guys who still except their girlfriend to be virgin while they ain't virgin. I dont know, the turkish culture can be backwarded and virginity regain operations are a thing in turkey. So be careful.

[hi_it_is_me123]

But i also saw turkish non virgin guys who does not have a problem with non virgin girls but just saying turkish guys can be obsessed with female virginity. You may have seen turkish weddings where the bride wears a red ribbon around her waist which is a symbol of virginity.

[hi_it_is_me123]

I am turkish myself lol

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your comments on turkish culture and Turkey itself, I really appreciated that.
I was aware that up until recently, Turkey was secular and liberal, perhaps more than Austria (where I lived for many years), where it's still mandatory to hang a cross in class rooms and court houses (talk about separating religion and politics, LOL).

I think very few people know about what you outlined - the fact that political islam is completely different to what people believe in for example.
My parents, like some governments around the world, use their religion to justify basically everything and I've never liked that.

I knew about the red ribbon. I'm a virgin, he's a virgin, I feel like that adds to our relationship because I don't have to compare myself to anyone else and neither does he (and I'm pretty jealous so that's important), but other than that, the only ones who are OBSESSED with my NON EXISTENT sex life are my Christian, Central European parents.

I started crying when they asked me whether he "had been to jihad". I think it's sad they don't trust me to stand my ground.
They implied that his family only invited me to join them on a trip to Turkey so that I'd be forced to meet his family and marry him if I went.
They consider me to be a weak woman with nothing to say. I would stage my own death if anyone tried forcing me to something like that, my parents should know, I've gotten out of plenty situations THEY BROUGHT ME IN simply because they were somewhat uncomfortable for me.

[hi_it_is_me123]

Oh lol cool. I thought i am the only girl who also like virgin guys. I am sorry what happened to you. Your parents can meet your boyfriend's parents -is that not possible? Maybe if your parents get to know your boyfriend's parents they may change their mind. I mean i can understand when european parents are worried about their daughters get used and abused by some middleeastern guys since middleeastern is still patriarchial which may influence the people who are from middleeastern but i dont know. Your boyfriend does not seem dangerous to me but give yourself time to get to know him. Dont rush and give your parents time and dont give up. You are still very young. I am sure your parents may change their mind after a long time. You and your parents need time. I hope the best for you

[hi_it_is_me123]

You really look like a very smart girl and not naive. I dont think your boyfriend can control you. As i said dont rush, get to know him better by spending time with him and dont immediately marry. And give your parents time. Some parents an be stubborn and so give them time. Just focuse on your education and give yourself time and wait. There is nothing you can do now. I know this sound a little weird but turkey ain't safe as it is in the past due to the current government. Rapists are released since there is no space in jails anymore for example. So if your boyfriend pressures to go to turkey, you should not go. I mean i may exaggerate a little bit but i personally think germsny/austria is right now way more secure.

[hi_it_is_me123]

By the way the thing with red ribbon is so ridiculous in my personal opinion-it is kinda sexist since it present women as gifts that need to be wrapped and be openned by the husband. My cousin was kinda forced by her parents to wear the red rippon since their family was afraid that other people may think she ain't virgin when she would not the red ribbon. Even the brother of my female cousin hate it that she has to wear this. So i dont know be careful if your boyfriend want you to weae a red ribbon and except you to bleed on your first time. I am so sorry and i know i sound weird at this point but i try my best to warn you and to help you

[hi_it_is_me123]

It is just that there are some turkish guys who try to "test" their girlfriend's/wife's virginity by controlling whether she bleeds or not and some of them even go to gynecologist to check their girlfriend/wife's hymen. So be careful

[hi_it_is_me123]

I mean women dont necassarily bleed on their first time but there are still guys who leave their gfs/wifes is if she does not bleed and the hymen can be broken due to many reasons.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you so much for your kindness and insight.
We have decided not to go to Turkey with his family for now, because I recently met his brother and this didn't go to well (his brother literally is the guy my parents warned me to steer away from! Turkish macho through and through).
I also know that Turkey isn't as safe as Germany, but my boyfriend speaks Turkish very, very well and I think it would be fine, but due to the extremely strict COVID regulations in Turkey right now, we won't be going there for quite some time.

My boyfriend's brother is exactly the kind of middle eastern guy you described. He uses women for sex, doesn't care about anyone's feelings and is just awful in general, but even so, he wouldn't demand to marry a virgin as this is not realistic in Germany, unless you only marry within your culture and religion (which I know many families want for their sons/daughters, but my boyfriend's family luckily is different).

I consider the red ribbon thing to be sexist too, what if you made the groom wear one too though? That would take the edge off it I think. I also understand that there is a high pressure to remain a virgin until marriage in some religions (also in the one I was brought up with!), but it is ridiculous that in 2021, there's still men out there who don't understand that some women simply won't bleed during their first time, LOL.

We've had a very, very open conversation about that right at the beginning, if he had thought that all women have to bleed or else they can't be virgins, we would have never gotten together in the first place.

I know who I am, I know my place and I will continue to fight for him. He won't even bother to try to force me into being a housewife, that's also not in his best interest, LOL.
Not all men are evil, not all men are the same, and even if you have black sheep in someone's family, that's okay and it doesn't mean that all family members have to think alike.

[hi_it_is_me123]

Oh you are well informed and i am happy you are not naive. The thing is most turkish people in Europe are from conservative religious cities in my experience and this is why i warned you. I know austrian people who was kinda shocked that people in liberal cities in turkey ain't same as the european turkish people. Another factor why many turkish people in Europe are so backwarded is, it is because they mostly interact with eachother aka isolat themself from the citizens, watch mostly turkish tv channels and so creat a parallel society. So this means they did not change much since 1970-1980 and therefore many have the mentality of someone from 1970 in conservation villages. But i notice some changes thanks to liberal german muslim youtubers like datteltäter which talk about some taboo topics like divorce, taking the hijab off etc. and also internet also help to change the muslim community a little bit and also number of ex muslims are also rising all thanks to internet. It is a weird century to me. 5 years ago muslim people in germanic countries would react negative when a girl take her hijab off for example but now it is tolerated or i also notice secret ex muslim. I dont know.

[hi_it_is_me123]

Wait why do you want to go to turkey? You want to move there? I hope you dont want to move there just because of your boyfriend. And turkey is definetely not safe as north Europe for women.

[tallandsweet]

I agree with you, many turkish people in Europe are from the country side and have nothing in commong with modern, turkish people who grew up in Turkey.
I'm glad that my boyfriend's family is from Istanbul and completely normal, nobody wears a hijab either, which made it a lot easier for me to meet them. I would've felt very uncomfortable if I had been the only girl there with "visible hair" if that makes sense.
Turkish people in Austria are even more conservative/from small towns than those in Germany in my experience, so my parents probably know nobody like my boyfriend's family, which sucks, because I'm sure that this would calm them down.

I don't want to move to Turkey, I'd just like to go there as a tourist one day :)

[OlderAndWiser]

When I had been married for about 11 or 12 years, my mother, sister, and younger brother had an "intervention" with me to "explain" why my wife was so horrible for me and that I needed to divorce her. I felt compelled to make a choice between my wife and my family.

I have a rule for such situations. If a "loved one" forces you to choose between them and someone else, the someone else must win and the "loved one" must lose because

1. no one who really loves you would force you to make such a choice, and

2. if you yield to the pressure from the loved one, then you have surrendered control of your life and that loved one will feel even more empowered to tell you how to live your life.

I told my family that they should not expect to see me again anytime soon, and I left. I did not talk to my of my family members for the following year. Eventually, I had a talk with my mother and explained that we could resume having a relationship only if she acknowledged that I am in charge of my life, not her, and if she ever tried to tell me what to do again, it would be the last time she would ever see me.

It was a bold and risky move, but it worked, and my mother never again tried to interfere in my relationships.

EPILOGUE: Ultimately, my family was right about my wife, and we divorced. But that happened when I made the decision and not when someone else told me to do it. How I handled that situation was not based on whether they were right or wrong, but solely on the way they tried to take control of my life away from me.

I hope this helps.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for sharing your experience - this indeed helped.

I realised that I needed to step away and not look back when I moved out. At that point in time, it had become clear to me that I would never return.
Falling in love with my boyfriend was a part of that process, but, different to what my parents think, it's not what caused me to believe that they're the toxic part in my life I have to get rid of.

My boyfriend never judged me for my religion. He never judged me for my parents either, although I told him *in detail* how crazy they can be. He still wanted to meet them - and they took that away from him.
I'm sad and hurt over that, and I hate how controlling my parents are trying to be, but I'm lucky to live on my own and very far away from them.

It gives me a lot of peace.

I hope they'll come around like your parents did.

[OlderAndWiser]

Good luck with your situation. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk.

[Tstrbrainer]

@OlderAndWiser perfect answer 😃. A person should be in charge of his/her own life.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Tstrbrainer Thanks for the kind words!

[Tstrbrainer]

Actually I should thank you.
You helped me in seeing the most important thing.
As an adult, we are in charge of our own life and we should face the consequences of our own decisions.
If we are letting others interfere with our own decisions, it means they are controlling our lives.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Tstrbrainer Yes, that's a very important part of the process.

[razelove]

They'll get over it. It's unlikely they'll ever accept him, but at some point they'll realize their words are only pushing you further away and stop. My wife parents kicked her out and saw me as a white devil stealing their girl. It stayed that way for a few years. No matter what her or I said or did.

She never had her siblings lose touch with her, her mom came around after a while, then her dad. I get that they'll never like me, her parents that is, but they accept her and our kids, and that's good enough for me.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for sharing your experience.
I have the sincere hope that for me, things will be the same in a few years.
And I really hope that my parents will realise that what they're saying is pushing me so far away I'm on the brink of never looking or coming back.

I don't want to make a stupid decision that I'll regret for the rest of my life, but I'm highly aware that my parents will always disapprove of my decisions from now on because they'll think my boyfriend is behind them. That sucks.

[w0810lv]

I am so happy to hear you say this but there's one thing I do want to tell you this stuff isn't subjective psychology isn't it's facts now the behaviors of people are subjective to it all we do is match a persons behavior to fit a diagnosis that's all and the thing about Psychopaths is they hide there behaviors to not be diagnosed but there's little behaviors and impulses that they all do they don't even know they do it so because of this we can recognize it so I'm happy you will do your own research but your not going to get any other conclusions cause there isn't the things I told you are facts so step back and pay intention to the behaviors if he is you will spot the oddness unless you don't know what a normal relationship looks like cause if you do it should be easy if objective about the behavior if it's there I won't say it's a 100% sure thing he is cause I'm not there and I don't know him or you and I could be wrong I mean you could

[w0810lv]

be a Narcissist and he's your victim who knows or this whole thing is a story for fun nothing else but I look at it like this if there's.1 percent chance to help a person that in all likely hood is a Empath I'm going to try and if you don't know you are one you should study about Empaths it's a scienctific fact we are the victims for the people who have personality disorders they actually target us for there con game and he might not have apd it could be Npd easily from what you said cause the one thing I know is abuse breeds more abuse to the children they become one of three things always or there's at least one normal parent there they can be normal so if not they ether become the same as the abuser they devolep the same Personality Disorder or they become Co Dependent and can turn into a Empath who's Co Dependent this is all if there's not one normal person to shield and give them the proper love and structure and discipline a child needs to grow in this world so your Empath I would bet on it if what you have written is true and just so you know because of this theses type of people will always come after you if they can't get you into a relationship they will become your best friend and once again everyone says to me but there so nice and helpful and this and that I've heard it all but that's exactly what every one who's suffered from Narcissistic abuse syndrome said the first time I told them and a year later there saying I wish I would have listened so like I said just knowing the fact your a Empath increases the chances that he does so hope you actually do those things and study and learn

[razelove]

@w0810lv What kind of Dewey Cox nonsense are you going on about?

[KneeDragger]

Well, I didn’t read all the replies, but it looks like I’ll be the odd guy out. And please, please take this for what it is, a married dude with three daughters (all under ten, so I’ll see them change as they grow-up) right now, hopefully I’ll be blessed with more in the future.

Emotions change, there is no doubt about that. Parents in my experience always love their kids, sometimes they don’t always love the choices made by their kids and sometimes the parents don’t always make the best choices. However, you do need to realize they believe they have your best interest at heart. After all they are probably twice your age, so they have twice the life experience you have. With the internet and twenty-four-hour news, big sad and extremely emotional stories sell. Recently there have been numerous articles and stories of young ladies taken by Muslim extremists and they have done horrible things to these young girls. Often the young ladies are lost forever, and their futures appear completely unknown and as a parent, that would scare the absolute crap out of me because there is nothing I could actively do.

Is this boyfriend likely to do this to you? In complete honesty, I can’t tell you one way or the other. I don’t know you and I don’t know him. The chances of it happening are going up though because there are more extremists in America right now. The one thing you can do though is always do as much as you can to protect yourself. Now this applies to all ladies, in my opinion a lady should carry a firearm and receive training on how to properly use the firearm. Except right now ammunition is super expensive. The next best option (it might even be the best option!) is buy a knife called the Spyderco Matriarch 2 knife with a singet ring. Have the knife sharpened and if possible, buy a practice knife. Don’t ever use the knife for anything other than the intended purpose! The knife looks incredibly intimidating, which is awesome! When I lived in Phoenix about a decade ago, I had to pull my Civilian (the big brother of the Civilian) and as soon as other people saw the knife they screamed at their friend and nothing happened. A small detail relevant to the story, I have one functional arm so I need a tool to level the playing field.

All the advice we give you is just information, and you are going to make the decision you want. Two little nuggets though, try to make big decisions in life after talking with people you respect, face to face is best AND try to decide in the morning, before the day has a chance to pull at your emotions.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you so much for taking your time to put your thoughts in writing.

I love and respect my parents. I was raised in a high control religion and much of my parents' reaction is actually based on their incredibly narrow view of the world. They strongly believe that my boyfriend won't be a good influence for me, which I'd understand if they had brought reasonable arguments to the table, but unfortunately, all they were able to tell me was that I have put my trust into the hands of a person unworthy of this trust.

I don't know if I was clear enough about this in my post, so I'll just say it. I've known this guy for more than 9 months now. I met him online, the first time I saw him in real life was after I had moved to another country, where everything was new for me (I had looked for men in the area I'd move to) - we met in a public place of course and he played a huge role in getting me to explore my new surroundings.
Soon after getting to know him, things started to get more serious, we started dating officially, he told his parents, they had wanted to meet me ever since.
I spent a month at his place, he spent 4 months at mine. We went on holiday for 2 weeks. My parents never noticed that I wasn't at home. My parents didn't sense that I had changed. My parents didn't know I was finally living life the way I wanted to live life in my late teens.

[tallandsweet]

I think it was quite unreasonable of my parents to say that I had changed after they had learned I had a boyfriend and been in a relationship for half a year.
I understand that my parents are afraid I'll run off to Syria with my boyfriend or whatever, but it's rude to imply that my boyfriend is an extremist before even getting to know him.

Please don't act this way when your daughters TRY to introduce you to someone they deeply care about.

When we were on holiday, neither of us wanted to return to our day to day life, we enjoyed being in a place neither of us had visited before and have since started to think about moving there at some point.

It's taken a lot of courage and willpower to realise that my parent's religion isn't true. I have no intentions of converting to Islam, but even leaving my parent's faith will shatter them deeply.
I'll have to choose between ending things with my boyfriend and disappointing my family.

I can't live a lie anymore though. I'm proud of how much I've changed, and I'm sad to finally understand just how much my family oppressed and controlled me while I was living with them.

Leaving a toxic family isn't a choice I'll make lightly though.

[KneeDragger]

@tallandsweet - This medium is limited and my ability to convey my opinion will be limited, hopefully I’ll get to my relevant point before the end of the post ; )

Because language can be a limiting factor wherever or whoever you are, here on the internet or even face-to-face, try and communicate yourself to the best of your abilities. Call to your parents and tell you want to talk things over. You should take the time to think about the point/s you want to bring to the front of the discussion. Try and be more mature in the conversation, show them this relationship is important to you and why. Because we are emotion creatures though, expect to cry so don’t wear makeup ; )

However, take this part seriously. If you were a note taker in high school, take notes about the conversation with your parents. If they ask you what you are doing, just be honest. Fortunately, I was an audio learner, and I was able to recall things that were said and/or what happened. In my opinion you should have this conversation in the morning, after a good-nights sleep. Don’t go out the night before and maybe even tell your parents you want to come over for a breakfast to talk things over. Personally, I wouldn’t bring the boyfriend over, maybe that will happen the next meeting.

[KneeDragger]

@tallandsweet - Bad shit happens in the world because, in my opinion, people are at the root selfish. Does this cover everything evil that people do? Not even close, but in my opinion that covers the vast majority. Are your parents being selfish? Yes, but they don’t intend to be acting this way. Do you happen to be the oldest of their children? If you are, realize you are the one blazing the trail with them. If you have other older siblings, reach out to them. Even younger siblings can add something to the end of the conversation. If you are their only daughter, you will be swimming upstream, and I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes because you are going in on your own where they are together. If you are on your own, maybe pick the one you have the better relationship with to start the conversation.

At the very least, please, please do NOT go to the conversation and say things get heated and you or they say something that piss each other off and you spend twenty years being pissed-off at each other. As a quick aside but related, look for the positives before you talk with your parents. When you start the next conversation, say you plan on this conversation happening over two hours, for example. Tell them you are going to let them/one parent talk for one hour but set a timer for one hour and hold them to the one-hour time limit. Then if they respect you as a young lady, they will let you talk for at least a fifty-minute period.

My guess, they are probably shocked by how fast you grew up and this whole thing should be settled by simple conversation. Just remember to be the adult and at the end of the day you will always, ALWAYS be their little baby girl; until the day they leave this world to the next one.

Out of curiosity, what religion are they? You don’t have to say, obviously ; )

[w0810lv]

I'm actually very worried for you cause the thing is your parents are most likely suffering from NPD which is Narcissist Personality Disorder and they can't change and won't there's a thing Called Gaslighting and don't trust your brother he might have it to so the whole thing is a game They Love Bomb then once they have you they start to isolate you from the world and friends and once this starts they start devaluing you and it's the classic hot cold scenario and then finally comes Discard where they will pull a major problem in you to get you and everyone else to think your crazy and get you back under control your parents and your brother will do this to you over over and you need treatment to for mist likely being Co Dependent and an Empath but here's my other fear is your boyfriend what if he's like them but he's got Apd and not Npd it's just would be way harder to spot in the begining and since it really doesn't seem like you know what these plain mental illnesses are you won't be able to tell if your boyfriend has one cause it seems like he really might you want to know for go have his head scanned to were you never leave his side or the docs s and set up a review with you right after the scan and make sure you hear the results cause so far he has you isolated completely you have no escape at all even if you wanted and I'm sorry try 2 years before things my go bad and since there masters at gaslighting how would you even know so the only thing I can see is your family suffers from Npd including your brother and you were a abused child who grew into a Empath then you met a guy to were seems like he's troubles all on his own and once you told your family you finally realized how bad they were and got help from some of your friends and now your isolated with a man that at this point could be normal or could be full blown Psychopath and has you exactly were he wants you and since like you said it's only been 5 or 6 months which I'm sorry not long enough Psychopaths will start cheating after a year I mean most Narcissist will last a year so I beg you to please study NPD and APD and Empaths and Narcissistic victims syndrome and what do all three target and one of the most important things is gaslighting it's the thing that pulls this toxic web together and I'll tell you this you don't have to believe a word I'm saying as far as you know I could be nuts and yes I know your boyfriend so sweet and nice and would never hurt me yeah yeah I know go look at ex victims and look what everyone or them wrote to they all wrote that too and boy were they wrong and yes I know I know but I'm smarter than those women and men and my boyfriend isn't those guys my boyfriend hasn't ever even yelled at me he goes out of his way to show me and once again I say go look what they said too and I know your still going to be a denyer and then I now say I thought I was smart too and I honestly didn't know shit or this world like I thought and here one more thing don't believe me if your smart you won't which is smart not to so here's what I say to good everything I've said can be looked up and read and is verifiable and you can find out for yourself and if learning I'm right for yourself isn't enough to break you free from a fairytale that is never going to be go and see a psychologist with a PhD in personality disorders and maybe they can convince you cause if all that doesn't then it's too late and you have already been turned.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for adding your opinion here.
I agree that something is sverely wrong with my parents and I don't 100% trust my brother either.
I am NOT allowing anyone to isolate me though. I won't deny anything you just said simply because I think is was meaningful and interesting, I'll do my own research and then draw conclusions. Thank you for your help!

[Leylaland]

I read all of it.
1st ur 19, your main focus should be preparing urself to get a job that u won't regret later and be able to sustain yourself without the help of anyone else just you.
2. Don't get married so young if ur thinking about it. Just live together ur still in the honey moon phase of the relationship and more that he spends time away. Right now just enjoy the ride but don't take any major decisions.
3. He says he's not to much in to it from his religion. Things can change over time. Observe how the parents get along u need more time to observe them, see how he treats her mother thats for any future relation you may have in future. How he treats her thats how he is gonna treat you.
People can change you know. I dated an older guy I never liked men older than me by 10 years never but things happened I presented him to my mom she didn't say not date him or do date him but i could tell she didn't like him, at that moment he was insisting on getting married. My mom said live together 1 year first at least get to know eachothet he was "catholic believer " just bs that we need to get married that was indecent and I never heard those things before from him when we dated. Then i started to notice he was controlling dont go out I want you in the house, be more like demanding dont go out and stay and clean the house, my weekends was clean the house, we both worked. And woke up super early to cook his breakfast for work and mine. But it got to a point it didn't feel right and something inside me was just get out get out so i did. Now that i think back I doo think we werent in sync and he changed beeing the polite correct man to be a manipulative kid. I dont mind cleaning but how he said it. The way, the tone the look on his face. Everything changed. That's why I say get to know him more than a year living together.

Enjoy this part of your life ur still in your teens, still many things you need to live and experience.

Yes ur parents dint handle it that well. At least they let u date him. Do that just date.
And start working on you college is the plave were you learn more about urself, why rush things what's the hurry.

Never ever leave the house because u hate how u live with your parents u will endup worse because u can't go back. Is better to first live by yourself. Be able to support urself then choose the guy.

Good luck.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your input, I'll think about it.

[Anonymous]

I'mma tell you the same shit I told my older sister when she fell in love with a guy my dad despised and still sorta does, DESPITE him being among the RARE people in the area who are part of our religion:

Don't marry. Look into civil union, or something like it through the local court system, with no religious or partying aspects involved.

You don't need marriage. Period. It's not necessary for happiness. Weddings:
-expensive
-overpriced
-often means nothing
-end in divorce A LOT.
-a GREAT way for the gov't to expect kids from you/tax/charge you more
-can screw over the bride and groom in different ways especially if done through religiously.

Your parents don't want y'all to get married? Fine! Don't. Because if y'all do, with them grumbling the whole way through, it's GUARANTEED to be a mess and drag you both through the mud long after.

If he isn't religious, then he won't care about having a wedding so much anyways. This is actually a way to test just how secular he really is too.

I also suggest getting blunter with your parents. I suggest using two methods I use so they get off my back about things: 1) Tell them to find somebody they think is so good for you to be with, that if they make strict rules, they have to provide. Even if it means waiting until you are older, make them promise to be in charge of finding you somebody. (70% of parents will likely refuse "they don't have time" or just fail to find somebody that clicks, which will make them see with their own eyes that finding a good match is not easy/tire them a bit and possibly make them back off. 2) Make it about economics. They won't be able to argue in favor of a wedding economically. Make a rule that if they want a wedding, they must provide for it. Same with any religious obligations. Same ESPECIALLY if they want grandchildren

Fact of the matter is, many young people these days are VERY much fucked over by parents who do not actually care about their happiness, will not provide for it, yet expect many rules, some of which ridiculous to be followed. Be blunt. If they want the rules followed, they must provide for it or stfu. Make that clear to them and trust me, they will choose one. This worked for me, (VERY VERY unique situation with parents, Im talking 1 in 10,000,000,000 and I am not kidding, yet these methods work which 80% of typical methods fail.) it can work for others.

Lastly, and VERY important: you met this guys on TINDER. if your parents figure out what that is/what it's for, it will make things WAY worse! You also need to consider that, because Tinder is in fact made for fucking, not finding a marriage partner. Yes, it does end up with some marriages, but it wasn't designed with that in mind, therefore, you must bare in mind that they may in fact be right about being cautious with who you met on there.

BEFORE YOU GO, BE WARNED. MY SISTER IGNORED MY ADVICE TO STAY AWAY FROM MARRIAGE. IT IS REALLY REALLY SHAKY NOW BETWEEN HER, HER HUSBAND (who now I don't even like much), AND OUR PARENTS! DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE! IF YOU STAY TOGETHER, AVOID MARRIAGE

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your extended reply.

I would love to get married eventually, but I never wanted to have a church wedding. That's something my parents had always had a somewhat hard time dealing with, but I think they always knew they'd have to accept it. My boyfriend is fine with not getting married at a mosque, so I think that if we get married, we'll just do it at a court house and that's it.

Thank you for your advice regarding my parents - I think it's a good idea and I'll give it a go.

Finally, my parents know what Tinder is and what it's for - still, they should know that they can trust me. I literally never could have sex with just anyone and I always knew I'd save myself for marriage and would only be able to be with someone who would accept that.

My parents met my ex, who would send me unsolicited dick pics, try to force me into doing sexual things that I clearly didn't want (I also expressed this on multiple occasions).
They didn't love him, but at least they were open to meeting him. I had met him on Omegle (which I never told them).
With my current boyfriend, I figured that since I'm an adult and moved out a while back, I'd be straight with them and tell them the truth and ONLY the truth.
Of course, that still means that I will protect myself and my relationship by not revealing too much to them, but when they asked where we'd met, I was honest.

My parents accused me of lying about my boyfriend, which I usually would've done in order to protect my privacy, but I was honest.
There's no way of regaining their trust because to them, I hid my boyfriend for 6 months (initially, it was my plan that I'd hide him for 3 years and their reaction would've still been the same).

Overall, I think I'll be fine, we'll figure the whole getting-married-or-not thing out and it'll all work out somehow.

Thanks again!

[TruthBringer]

I've been in a similar situation, only the difference was racial differences, not religious differences. I've been the guy who was discriminated against for my race. Long story short, I ended the relationship for multiple reasons and the discrimination from her family side was definitely one of them.

As a Dutchman who grew up with Muslims and non-Muslims alike, I have managed to get good insights into their way of thinking and the way of thinking of Christians and non-Christians here in the west. All I can say is, as much as prejudice your parents are, I suggest you not compromise your relationship with them. Just let the relationship lead it's destined path. Either it will work out, or it won't. But don't ever drop family for the sake of someone who you are not certain that they would stay in your life.

When it comes to your boyfriend, you can never know if he won't get tired of being discriminated against. No man of value and self-respect will tolerate this kind of prejudice from anyone, not even the family of his significant other. So you cannot be sure that he won't one day tell you: "Sorry, I can't take it anymore". And as someone who has been in a similar situation, I can tell you how debilitating it feels to be judged and not accepted for such reasons.

When people tell you you're 19 and shouldn't be worrying about this as much, they are actually right. Maybe things will work out with him, if not, then it will work out with someone else. And perhaps with someone who your parents are okay with. But that doesn't matter now. Maybe your parents will come around one day, maybe they won't. What matters now is you focus on your relationship and see to it that it has a strong foundation, and not something that will end as soon as the honeymoon phase has passed.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it :)

[TruthBringer]

@tallandsweet Best of luck to you. Hope things work out. Make sure you keep communicating with your boyfriend, especially when it comes to your parents. That's something my ex failed to do. She held information away from me afraid to lose me. Don't repeat her mistake

[tallandsweet]

I think communication really is key, he knows about everything when it comes to my parents and my life in general :)

I also told him each insult they had made about him, so he knows what he's up against (eventually, I mean, they won't meet him right now LOL).

Thanks again, that really helped

[Screenwriter]

Well, your parents aren't going to win any prizes for liberalism. They're being prejudiced and controlling. That's no reason for you to consider suicide.
They're human and faliible, that's all.
It's nice that you're enjoying your boyfriend, but he is not the only boyfriend you'll ever have. He's simply the first serious one, yes?
Keep your separate residences. You don't know this guy that well yet. You're still in the "honeymoon" phase. Moving in with him will distract you from school and keeping your grades up.
This relationship shouldn't be the most important thing in your life. Your education should be. Focus on that first, yourself second and your boyfriend third.
Enjoy taking care of school and yourself. Then enjoy your time with your boyfriend.
Don't get your wires crossed though.
All this seems very heightened because you're 19 and life is fairly intense. Take it slow, take it easy and take care of yourself.
If you feel suicidal, go to your school's counseling center and talk to a therapist and get help. You need objective support. Good luck.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your kind words!
Really appreciated your input.

[etexbearkat]

I have some thoughts on this. If your boyfriend is a devout Muslim, and you are not willing to convert to Islam, you need to reconsider the relationship, and possibly breakup with him. It is very rare those relationships work out in the end. The way your parents handled things was inappropriate, but do not dismiss their concerns.

I'm not telling you to break up with your boyfriend, but if he's a devout Muslim, and you are unwilling to convert, that has the potential to put a wedge between you and him that cannot be reconciled. As stated above, those relationships rarely ever work out. My mom's sister-in-law was raised a Southern Baptist, and she ended up converting to Pentecostalism, and she and my uncle have been married for more than 33 years. My mom's father was raised Methodist, and eventually converted to Pentecostalism, and my mom's parents were married for more than 44 years. That's not as a big of a jump, because the core beliefs of Methodism, the Southern Baptist Convention, and trinitarian Pentecostalism are the same.

My biggest piece of advice is to take your emotions out of it. Reflect on things, and make the decision that's best for you.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your advice.
My boyfriend was born into a muslim family but doesn't seem to be a devout muslim. I've never seen him pray or do anything that would make me believe he takes his faith very seriously. He told me he's struggling with religion right now and needs to figure things out for himself - he hasn't been to a mosque in ages.
If he was a devout muslim, he wouldn't be able to be in a relationship in the first place, especially not with a non believer like myself.

His parents are modern, open-minded turkish people. I don't think any of my boyfriend's siblings married a muslim woman/man, so it doesn't seem like they care. Religion was never addressed in his family, while I obviously gave him all the tea on how my family would view him due to his religion.

Personally, I never wanted someone by my side who was crazier about religion than me - I've started to care much, much less about religion, and hence I knew I didn't wanna raise my kids in any denomination.
He's fine with that, we'd like to tell our kids (if we have any in the future) that we believe there is A GOD (without giving him a name) because of... and then give them reasons, but that's about it.
There's no point for me to raise my kids in the religion I was brought up in. I don't want to do that.

And that should quite honestly be my choice to make.

As far as your other advice went, I agree with you 100% - if he was a devout muslim, he'd want me to convert (though we talked about converting to either of our religions at the beginning of our friendship and quickly realised neither of us wanted that) and this would break us apart.

I also never wanted to dismiss my parent's concerns. I agreed with some of them and talked to my boyfriend about it (obviously), but what I don't get is why they feel it's okay to step on my toes by not even wanting to meet someone I've been spending ALL of my time with.

[etexbearkat]

You mentioned he’s from Turkey. In terms of Islamic countries, Turkey is the most secular (I’m not sure how secular Lebanon is). Ultimately, who you date and marry is your choice. Marriage is a big decision. Your parents might come around eventually. It took a while for my mom to come around to accepting the friendship I have with my best friend (who is my picture; she’s on the left), and my mom even bought her Christmas gifts this past Christmas.

[tallandsweet]

I agree that Turkey (afar from Politics) perhaps has the most liberal and secular muslims, but I haven't seen all countries in the middle east, so I wouldn't know.
I'm still careful (obviously), but to me, my boyfriend is German and not Turkish and I would've preferred if my parents had treated him that way too.
I already introduced them to my ex some years ago and that went so much better - you may see now why I consider them to be racist and perhaps afraid of his religion (which he doesn't practice (it's Ramadan right now so I'd know if he cared)). Unfortunately, only meeting him will clear that up and that won't happen anytime soon.

Oh, the irony!

[hellionthesagereborn]

Well I would try to not live with your parents first. Second, its your life not theirs so they don't get a say in it. Third, it is clear they don't know him and thus their opinion is irrelevant, its like asking about medical advice from an engineer, they have no credentials to give that advice so why would you do it? Fourth, you can be christian and marry a non christian I don't see any issue with that at all. Fifth, the hardest workers I've known have been immigrants because they believe in the American dream still (unlike many native born American's sadly) so as long as what he is doing is legal (which I'm sure it is) I have no doubt that he is going to be sucessful as long as he keeps up that hard work (which again, most immigrants will because they come from places that don't have those same opportunities so they take full advantage of them when they get here).

In short, congratulations, take it slow (not because he is muslim but because you should take things slow regardless), and make sure your independent of your parents that way they can't interfere with your life unless you let them.

[tallandsweet]

I moved out ~ a year ago.
They feel entitled to their opinion and I would've appreciated it if they could've voiced it in a way that was not hurtful.
But of course, how would you be able to say something about someone you don't know? That's why I wanted them to meet him, for them to be able to express RELEVANT concerns. Instead, I faced racist bullshit they had buried deep in their hearts years ago.
No teen deserves that and it took me a 2h phone call with a friend to understand that what they're doing isn't okay because of how they were making me feel along the way.
Not once did I yell or lose my temper (like I usually would've). I stayed calm.
Like you, I don't see an issue with interreligious marriage, unless one partner is way more into religion than the other (which isn't the case).
We're based in Central Europe, but the situation with immigrants is very similar here than you described it in the US. Hardworking people minding their own business. Also, my boyfriend was born and raised in Central Europe, but my parents suggested that he's a refugee/asylum seeker... That really hurt me, he tries so hard and they'll never fully accept him.
Of course everything he does is legal :)

Also, I really want us to go at our own pace, so yeah, going slow is great, exactly what I need and I'm sure that ignoring my parents' attempts to controll me and my life will pay off in the future. I won't allow them to get in the middle of my relationship.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Well I can understand the concern with refugees and asylum seekers. Their are many who are their to exploit the nation but that has nothing to do with race or religion. Its like in the US, we have illegal alien problems here and they exploit our welfare system, bring violence etc. into our country and then after they drain our resources (we spend billions a year on welfare for illegal aliens) and after they have taken our jobs (the big corporations love them because they work for cheap because they use welfare to supplement their income and the rest goes back to their home countries ) they then move back to their home country and live off the wealth they extracted.

However that is not IMMIGRANTS which are usually far more at least in the US, patriotic and hard working then even native born americans (because they earned the right to be here, they know how hard things where in their home country and so they really appreciate the opportunities they have hear). I imagine that is the same in Europe. So that could be the problem, they are conflating the two groups who are very different and have decided that he is bad because he happens to look like or have the same religion of those who are not respectful to the people in that country. That is absolutely a problem but perhaps if this is the case you can try to persuade them (in time, it will probably take a good amount of time) to see him as different from that group (because its not fair. Its kind of like saying that since their are criminals in america all americans are criminals. Its irrational and completely inaccurate).

[hellionthesagereborn]

Though again, making sure that they have no leverage on you is your best short term option. Also yes slow and steady is a good thing (I think in our day and age people rush to much.). So maybe by taking it slow you can get them use to the idea then I would point out that their is a difference between the two groups, that just because some muslims are exploiting the system doesn't mean all muslims are and just because they are born in what ever country your from and are not exploiting that system doesn't mean their are not others of that nation who are christian who are not also exploiting the system. The religion and race doesn't determine that, its whether or not they are a good person that determines that.

Either way good luck with everything and congrats on finding a good guy even if your parents are being stubborn and stupid about it.

[tallandsweet]

In Germany, many of those living off of public welfare are what is referred to as "Biodeutsch", biologically German.
No foreign blood streaming through their veins.
My parents are very opinionated, but I know that they don't think foreigners (immigrants, asylum seekers or refugees) are taking away local people's jobs.
It's just that they consider muslims to be less than them. This is something that only time can heal. I'll make sure to keep them out of my life for as long as they still have negative stuff to say behind my back or to my face. Once they've accepted my choices, I'll be open for having a relationship with them again.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Probably for the best to keep your distance then. Though I would point out you always have to leave the door open, if their is no way back from a mistake for some one then they have no reason to change. Otherwise again, good luck.

[Avicenna]

Well, I guess I should add my insights to those of others since I have been the foreign boyfriend a number of times myself and lived for a long time in Germany.
First of all, although your parents should have communicated their feelings with you more diplomatically, they do care about you, even if it doesn’t seem that way, and that’s part of their vehement opposition to your relationship. The truth is, relationships between Turks and Germans/Austrians are known to have a lot of difficulties, no matter whether it’s the female or male partner who is either one), so it’s natural for family members to be opposed to them. Yo give you one example, I lived next door to a German man married to a Turkish woman for six years. His family visited frequently, but hers never did and she admitted that her family had cut ties with her since he married a German. They also had kids together but she never spoke Turkish with them, and that’s something that would bother Turkish family members.
Your parents may end up accepting him if he treats you well and there is no pressure to get you to convert to Islam.

[tallandsweet]

I still love my parents.
That example sounds plausible to me, I'm glad that his family is accepting. I'm trying to teach myself some Turkish, but I have no intention of trying to get beyond B2, the language doesn't make sense to me but I want to understand some basics (as I think everyone in a bilingual relationship should make an effort to learn their partner's first or second language).

My parents will have very strong opinions when it comes to raising kids that I may not share. His parents aren't perfect either, but I still think that by the time I have kids, I'll accept that they deserve to at least meet their grandparents.

There's absolutely no pressure for me to convert. It wouldn't make sense for us.

[Avicenna]

That’s good, but also remember that class and/or educational differences are also a source of pressure in a relationship and a source of disapproval,

[Pasiton5]

I want to point out that being conservative has nothing to do with their racist view, racism is across the board weather your liberal conservative or independent, in only saying that adding that they were conservative was unnecessary save only paints a one sided picture, in those of us who are conservative,, now I understand your wanting your parents approval and acceptance of your dude, and I feel for you because it's ignorant to think one religion is better than another when they all worship the same God, and religious leaders of ask sect of religion know this but that's for another time, it's your life to live it be with who ever you choose, your parents mean well, and I don't knock anyone for what they believe or feel, that's his they choose to live in such a narrow view of the world what can you say or do, respect them but move on with your life, and it's those like you who didn't follow blindly your parents ideology but your heart and it's those like you that being about change in people mind hearts open then free then from their ignorance in thinking, honestly your a very brave young woman and what do it matter what color or religion the person you open your heart to share this life with us looking as there's two honest respect love admiration between you,, don't ever show yourself to even let those thought enter your mind again ok you already down his strong and determined you are, I applaud you for your courage and ability to be different than your folks in sure they are good people is how they were taught they will come around in time if you can keep in contact with you brother and instill in him that he needs to educate himself more about the world is not only black and white take care God bless you and your guy he seems like a good dude,

[NikolaiIvanov]

It is your decision and I think your parents should respect that but I believe that leaving the people who raised you behind hurts them more than it hurts you, what I'm going to tell you isn't in anyway similar to your situation but it did made me realise how important my parents are to and why I should be grateful to them. So I live in Sweden and I decided to date a beautiful Syrian girl and it's not the basic kind of teenage love but something I seriously fealt was a great connection between us but when his brother found out he literally gave me a death threat and was going to come to the school tomorrow like the stupid person I'm I decided not to tell my parents but took along two my fathers pistols (Sig p220 and a G19) and wore all black and put on a mask and when he showed up to the corner with like five people to confront me i shot one in the air and I don't know why I did something so stupid that he literally started crying and ran away. Later what I did made me go to juvenile detention for a while but then what my father told me made me realise his importance that my love might leave me or betray me but my family will always be by my side as long as they are alive and I do feel a sense of responsibility in taking care of them when they old as well, it's my parents selfless actions that made me realise this, he told me once you have a child your entire life is based around and for him, he told me the sole reason mom and him work is because they love me and want to provide the best for me basically the point of their life is me and I feel I do have a sense of responsibility in being selfless and thinking about my family as well.

[NikolaiIvanov]

What I want to say is just don't do something that might ruin the relationship between you and your parents forever because you've got your whole life ahead of you at 19, I made the mistake of being someone who could an offender but luckily I was pardoned.

[tallandsweet]

Interesting story.

[jasco]

Honestly my parents are similar when it comes to racial marriages, so were my grandparents. However I have realized that love knows no bounds and I frankly don't care enough about someone's skin or my parents opinion when it comes to dating. Now if my parents proved to me that she was indeed not a good person or if i found out she wasn't than yea. But i always take there opinion with a small bit of salt. Never to hard nor to light. I love my family but after grudation I will have to make the choices in my life so whatever happens, it happens. Now you have a few options, majority of them will take something away from you. At the moment you parents seem to have the one track mindset so no matter what you do or say they aren't gonna budge. I don't think you want to break up with your boyfriend either. The good thing is you have your brother. Now here are your options: You hold your ground, go up to your family and tell them what you believe, show them the letter and give them the choice of either accepting your choice or disowning you. 2nd option you hold your ground, keep dating your boyfriend, and move in with him, letting your parents make the choice by themselves sooner or later rather to accept it or not. 3rd option ask your boyfriend to have a break till you finish college, than get back with him, go to your parents and try talking to them again ( maybe show the letter), 4th option break up with your boyfriend

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your reply.
I graduated. I moved out. I'm trying to succeed somewhat, it's not like I gave up everything I knew, so I don't understand why they were so racist, it's not christian and I expected more of them. They said things I knew would've made my boyfriend cry.
I think I'll try a mix of option 2 and 4, mainly because I don't want to show my parents that letter (they're creepy and I'm pretty sure they'd try stalking him on social media (he doesn't have any, but still)), but I also want to be able to live my life.

I'm pretty sure we'll get married when the timing is right for US, not for my parents.

Then again, I want to be sure this is the right person, so I'll stick around for a while to really see if we're a good fit. Don't wanna rush stuff either!

Thanks again :)

[jasco]

np, stay safe and good luck

[Anonymous]

I used to debate thousands Muslims over the internet all over the world. Even took on imams.. Lol.. I never lost a debate... I enjoyed it.. Some converted.. What's in his heart about Jesus, how to of everything, millions of Muslims convert all the time.. Is he moderate? Really it comes down to where their might be conflict. Muslims are trained debaters from the Quran. Hadiths.. Culture.. He could easily become a powerful Christian to the Muslims.. Really your power is in the unseen world, prayer. It took me years but because I researched everything I know a lot about what your up against, in his heart.. Ask the questions, direct him right.. If he has questions I could help.. If he is entrusted in learning more about Christianity, I know how to direct him to good resources.. We wrestle not against flesh and blood but principalities and power from unseen world.. What's in his heart will forever shape your whole future seen and unseen world.. How is the spiritual dimension influencing him? Good angel on his shoulder.. Bad angel on his shoulder..

[tallandsweet]

As I outlined in my post, he's moderate. To give you an idea: as you probably know, it's Ramadan right now and he's not fasting.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand, I was able to read half, really long to read.. Maybe later when I'm not so busy.. ill finish.. That speaks volumes.. That's can be a major sin, does he have a excuse? Or is his heart not in it? Also does he pray 5 times a day? Is his parents parents observing Ramadan? It might not be as serious as your parents think..

[Opinion Owner]

Sorry about typos cell phone auto corrects..

[Opinion Owner]

by the way.. Moderate Islam is an Oxymoron..

[tallandsweet]

His mother, to my knowledge, doesn't fast and neither does his sister.
His brother occasionally eats pork (I support not eating pork because I don't like the taste and where I live, it's nasty, cheap meat that you really don't want in your body, so I only eat pork when I feel like it (I've always done that)).

I've never seen my boyfriend pray. I believe that he doesn't even have his own prayer rug, if he wanted to, he'd use one his friend left at his place though. I've never seen anyone else pray in his family, but I think his dad is perhaps the most religious one. He goes to the mosque once or twice a week from what I've noticed.

My boyfriend doesn't have an excuse for not fasting. He's just not into it.

[tallandsweet]

I would also like to add that for the last 5 months, we haven't left each other's side for more than a week at a time.
We spend all of our time together. There's no way he'd be able to fast or pray without me noticing.

[tallandsweet]

However, I would also like to add that I would be okay if this changed and if he wanted to get deeper into his religion again. I don't think that this will be the case, but if it was, I'd be fine with it.
And his dad didn't comment on my religion at all, he was nothing but pleasant, commended my boyfriend for finding such a fine girl like myself and said nothing but nice things both to me directly and behind my back.
So there's that.

[Opinion Owner]

He's not currently devout, that can change.. Islam is ok with it. Are you a Christian? Do you anything about Islam vs Christianity? What you are saying when you say, id be fine with it? Or what you'd be fine with? You could always YouTube videos on it, discuss cons with him.. Make a clear decision, you'll know your future... The bible does make it clear what happens in your afterlife.. But that's your decision... The lord does see your whole life birth to death and afterlife.. Your life will flash before you one day.. You can always pray, none of really knows your plight, whether it's good or bad, but the lord knows.. God Bless..

[tallandsweet]

I identify as Christian, but I am currently questioning my faith (which has nothing to do with him being Muslim though).
I have a lot to figure out because I was raised in a small Christian denomination I now refer to as a powerful sect. It's hard to rewire your brain after being exposed to that type of propaganda for years.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand what brainwashing is, sorry that happened to you... Your not alone.. The Lord warns us against this, exspecially in the end times.. If you don't mind me asking, in the aftermath, what are the unhealthy thoughts and behaviors your questioning, that you have to figure out?

[Lliam]

What a well written, thoughtful and heartfelt MyTake, tallandsweet.
I agree with your POV. You're doing the right thing to follow your own path.
It's too bad that your parents don't have more respect for you as a person and for your ability to make good choices on your own.

I had a wonderful childhood, myself, but ran into more and more conflict with my dad in my mid-teens. I had to follow my own path as opposed to being his "mini me". He was just too inflexible and incapable of having respectful discussion.

In the end, things turned out well. We finally resolved our issues and became friends again when I was in my mid-30s.

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your kind words!

[Unit1]

No offense. But that is exactly what happens when one's parents are strict or racist or xenophobic (hating other nations) or dumb or losers or whatever and then they get told about the relationships of their kids. I never told my parents about any of my relationships (and I had only one). It's a private matter - as is most of my life. Normal people usually don't go around telling about how they had mind blowing sex with their spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or whoever to their friends or whatever.

This is why money is the most important thing in the world, so that you can decide who to see, who not to see, who to love, who to marry, whatever.
This also ensures, that if they are gonna disown you, then they're only gonna shoot themselves in the foot, having invested in you but not accepting your authenticity. Money enables independence.

[Unit1]

@JamieLoves
Get your ass outta my yard.

[tallandsweet]

Sorry für den kleinen Gegenteil-von-leer-Pfosten, der kommentiert da überall mit seiner komischen Meinung und gibt keine Ruhe.
I appreciated your words, I don't think my parents are aware of how all they've done is push me away farther with their actions.
I don't care if they diswon me either.

Am Ende wird immer alles gut, vor allem, wenn man zwischen sich selbst und den Menschen in seinem Leben, die Religion in jedes verdammte Argument einbauen (egal worum es geht), möglichst viel Land bekommt.

[Unit1]

Dieser Trottel soll seine fetten Arschbacken von unseren Tellern wegschieben.

Gut! Wir verstehen uns dann. Ich hoffe bei dir wird dann alles in Ordnung laufen. Als Beispiel bei mir habe ich die Familie verlassen und verdiene mir selbst meinen Lebensunterhalt. Meine Eltern haben das nicht gekonnt, also tuhe ich das selbst.
Von daher meine Obsession über das Geld.

[tallandsweet]

Ja, das mit dem Geld hast du schon öfter erzählt, das hab ich bereits mitbekommen, ist natürlich verständlich.

[Unit1]

Die Sache ist bloß, das ungefähr eine hälfte von den Leuten es entweder nicht begreifen oder wahrnehmen möchten und dann jahrelang nachfragen wie sie ihre Eltern überzeugen können. Du weißt ja wie das enden wird. Diese Leute sind zwar über 17 jahre alt, denken aber nach wie vor als wären sie unter 18 jahre alt.

[Floppy2112]

You've made the choice to choose your boyfriend over your family, so why are you asking for advice on a decision you already made? Do you want validation? I have no idea if this is going to work out for you. The odds are against it because the odds are against everybody. But every once in a while this type of thing does workout. What you have to decide is if you are going to stick with him through thick and thin. When the chips are down and you no longer have the tingles are you going to see him through or run back you your family? What is your pain tolerance? Because it's going to be a rough ride, unless you left out the part where he is a millionaire...

[tallandsweet]

I haven't fully made that decision yet. I'm choosing love over a very toxic relationship that I can no longer sustain.
I don't want to choose between my family and my boyfriend, but I don't think it's healthy to continue to try to get them to like him if they're not open to meeting him.

I think they'll come around eventually, we've settled on them ignoring I have a boyfriend altogether and limiting their remarks to a few expressed concerns each week/month.

I'm fine with that. Obviously, it'll be hard to let them go, though I feel like every kid will eventually escape from the tight grip their parents had on them as a child.

[Floppy2112]

This is not an easy situation. I don't have any magical advice that's going to make it all better. I'd say, make sure you know all you can about this guy before doing something definitive. I. E., if you have to choose sides and you choose him, make sure it's a wise decision. It would be horrible to put all this effort into this guy only to find out he wasn't worth it. And it happens. It happens all the time, I know from experience. But at least your family will put a little ketchup on the crow you'll be eating so it doesn't taste as bad. So, find out everything you can about this guy and make sure he doesn't have some shady history of tearing apart families or something like that.

[YesICan]

Sometimes it's best to just cut ties with some family members. ( They say blood is thicker than water but that's not always the case)

Sometimes our parents think they can dictate how we are supposed to live our lives, but they fail to realize that we are not little children anymore but fully grown individuals who can think for ourselves, make our own decisions, etc.

If the guy in question is treating you well, and the two of you are happy together then there is no need for you to leave him. You are not doing anything wrong here, your parents are the toxic ones in this situation and I'm sorry you have to go through all that bullshit, wish you good luck in the future. Hope things work out for you!

[tallandsweet]

Thank you for your reply and kind words.
My parents have been the most toxic part of my life for some years now and it wasn't until I thought about eventualy having kids of my own that I realised how little of an influence I want them to have over me when that time comes around.

I always knew I'd have to shut them out of my life completely once I get pregnant - and that opened my eyes to see all of their wrongdoings. I've chosen not to be bitter about not being able to grow up in an emotionally stable and loving household. I never forget that my parents always provided for me financially and I will strive to not make their mistakes if I ever have kids.

I don't know if I'll be successful, nobody does - I think we all like to think that we'll make the right choices with our kids, but nobody is perfect and that shows.

Still, for now, the physical distance between us helps a lot.

[Paul09]

Wow I read it al lol. I'm so very sorry. I'd tell you the truth and you will definitely flip out. But.. God was created by man, period! Religion was started up to scares and separate people from each other. Religion just teaches You to Hate other religions, be racist, Start shit for nothing. My parents are religious my brother and I are not we are lucky they got use to it. Religion is dictatorship, tells you how to live, with who, where, when. It's just brainwashing at it finest. It's b. s. just like politics.

That said, Mayne somehow your parents will realize they made a huge mistake. And will be sorry? But you always do what feels right for you. And wait you got a hone offered, and you refused? Take it! Trust me, life Will be less stressful. I'm sorry if I offended you.

[tallandsweet]

Oh wow indeed. I know my posts are dreadfully long.
I agree that religion doesn't do people many favours.

And I think my parents will definitely realise what they did one day. Also, we politely declined on the apartment for reasons of our own, but I get that it seems like an amazing deal :)
You didn't ofend me at all, don't worry!