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How telling my parents about my 6mo boyfriend went (they hate him for religious reasons) (Page 2)
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I'm so sorry your parents are so rigid. Are you living away from home now? It sounds like you should spend as little time with them as possible. If you are financially independent that will be easier. You should set boundaries with them -- if they start in on your and your boyfriend, then just get up and leave.
It sounds like your boyfriend isn't all that religious. What about you?
I am luckily living away from home.
I agree that boundaries will probably be the only solution... I have suggested that they completely ignore the fact that I have a boyfriend, but my mom in particular seems to have a hard time with that.
I was brought up in a small Christian denomination that shares some rather bizarre views of the world (not ready to reveal which one, just imagine the one you thought of fastest). When I met my boyfriend, I was okay, but after going on my first and second date with him, I felt A LOT OF GUILT.
I decided that I had sinned in some way and needed more prayers (at that point, we had neither held hands nor kissed or done anything else that is considered a sin). I ignored the feeling, but it only grew stronger.
About two months ago, I did a deep dive and discovered that most of the stuff I had believed in all my life were not based on the bible or simply didn't make any sense for a sane person.
From that point onwards, I took a few steps back each day to examine the big picture and to think about each and every scenario that my life could look like if I did X or Y.
I haven't fully decided to leave my church as I know that this will tear my family apart and that they'll never forgive me for it, but I don't even believe half of it anymore. Still, it'll be easier to fake it for 10 years or so and to then quietly and without causing a scene, leave.
So to be very clear: my boyfriend met a smart girl who had very, very extreme views of the world and was still able to love her.
I am in no position to judge him for being born into Islam, I was the extremist in our relationship at the very beginning and it took me a lot of mental strength to deal with all the guilt people around me were trying to make me feel.
My parent's reaction is mainly guilt-driven too ("why is she like this now? did we make mistakes in the way we raised her?") and hence they are trying to make me feel guilty too, but this will no longer work.
Hope that answered your question.
Sounds like you are on your way to a happy independent life. Tell your parents whatever you like. If they are going to act out when you tell the truth, say nothing. If they do act out, exit. Just say "I understand how you feel, I don't want to discuss it." If they persist, you may leave. They will learn, or not. But it's their choice to be ugly, and you don't have to accept it. Best wishes.
I agree with that, thank you for sharing this.
This is one of those things that will probably get better once you are married, if you decide to get married. After a while, they will have to adjust to your choice. For now, all you can do is adjust to their stance and know how they will respond to your boyfriend and to you.
I agree - from what I've seen, they will be fine eventually (no more yelling/blaming me for making "wrong" choices), but right now, they're still really angry.
I'd be fine with that if they weren't so verbally and emotionally abusive. There are ways for them to express their concern without them condemning me as much...
I also truly hope that our relationship stabilizes once we get married.
Try to beware, there are many cases like this where muslims force people to marry and aren't the same after marrying, some people act sweet before marriage but afterwards... Well you can guess.
There's also the fact of differing faiths. I'll be honest here, it's not healthy to live in a household where people don't have the same faith, it's a mess. There are times you don't want to compromise and other times where he won't want to. It's gonna be a huge mess at times. Besides, what about afterlife? Would you be fine marrying someone you know you might not meet in heaven?
All in all, I won't get your hope up, it can be unhealthy tbh
I'm aware of those cases.
I won't convert to another religion, I'm happy without being a part of an organised religion. That doesn't mean that I will give up spirituality altogether.
While there are many parts about Islam that I believe are beautiful in itself, I see many issues with it as well.
I couldn't be with a guy who doesn't support me. I went from having to stay quiet about things I cared about to openly adressing my concerns with politics and identifying both as an LGBTQ+ ally and a feminist.
My boyfriend has been nothing but supportive in my journey. We've had so many meaningful conversations early on, which is one of the reasons why I think we're stronger than most couples in that regard. We continue to talk about how we would raise a child together if we one day decided to have one.
I haven't seen my boyfriend pray, read the Quran or fast before. I don't think he'll start. If he did, I'd want to talk to him about his reasons and make sure that he's still okay with me being an atheist (according to the Quran, a muslim man is only allowed to date and marry women who are active followers of an abrahamitic religion, which I no longer am).
I know that Christians like to put Islam as a whole and Muslims in particular down without actually knowing too much about the religion, the culture of the particular person or their story.
I don't think I'll go to heaven if there is one. I'm fine with *just* dying. I used to believe in something similar to heaven for my entire life and am more content now, knowing that my biggest assignment in life is to live it to the fullest.
We've been together for a year now, during which I changed so much (not particularly because of him, more so because I moved out from a toxic environment with my parents) that I quite honestly feel there's nothing I couldn't handle at this point.
After reading this, I feel like your just having a fit. I have seen parents do shit like this, but sorry it seems like your throwing a fit because they don't approve. Case in point the sleeping in a tent in the garden, one if its their property they can ban him from being on the property just as much as from the house, you call that racist.
I can tell you now, there are many times my family disapproved of someone that guess what? They were right about without having to meet them. If you don't care for what your parents say then to hell with them. But when it becomes true don't go running back to them. 6 months isn't long enough to know someone to say they aren't like that. People do it all the time for years!
I call my parents racist for the numerous things they said. Nothing they said had anything to do with his personality, it was always about his culture, and I think that's not okay.
I would've thought about it differently if they had made me see things from their perspective, but yelling at me definitely didn't do that job well.
If I see an issue with my guy, I'll break up, don't worry.
If your parents believe in god, then shouldn’t be hating your boyfriend. I can’t stand overprotective parents that don’t let their own child choose who they love and want to be with. They can share their opinions and look out for you, but shaming you into their submission of what they deem as right or wrong when it comes to dating isn’t the correct approach. That sounds very controlling and wrong. They will abandon you just because a decision you make on who you want to love? They aren’t being good parents, nor enacting their biblical role. I’ve been in this spot before on the other end. It’s so wrong.
This.
I tried explaining to them that my boyfriend WAS THEIR NEIGHBOUR just like anyone else and that even if I married them, I'd still pay them their respects like I should according to Ephesians 6.
A lot of my parent's parenting style was overly conservative and controlling.
I told them very, very openly that I would raise my kids completely differently if I have any one day.
My mom continues to text me and tries calling me just to tell me that I shouldn't let my boyfriend impregnate me.
She clearly hasn't arrived in the 21st century and hasn't realised that I can do whatever I please to do with my body. Allowing my boyfriend to put a child in me is a CHOICE I can make whenever the fuck I want to.
Her patronising my sex life was crazy to me, but the whole obsession she STILL has with it and a possible pregnancy in particular is soooo wild and bizarre, I can't take that anymore.
I feel for you. I come from a very Mormon family and my wife and I are Pagan. A few observations
1 the God of the bible and Allah of the Quran are both the God of Abraham. Then name Allah is the Arabic word for God. So your father said that anyone praying to God is not welcome in his home...
2 your happiness comes first.
3 You should have told your family that he's a business man and is the head of a new startup. That's the definition of an entrepreneur and one many people can understand. When they ask 'what industry,' then you can follow up with "it's complex and I am not clear on all of the details. It would be better to speak with him."
I think your best move is to tell your mother "I love him and want to be with him. If you want to continue being part of my life you must accept that he is part of that life."
Hi!
I pointed out 1.) to my father, sadly, he had nothing to say about it.
I said something similar to 3.), but they didn't want to hear it, and that's their choice.
If I may ask this (I do not mean to be disrespectful in any way), how did you fall out of the Mormon faith? How did your parents react?
I found a path that works for me. My mother studied comparative religion and my founded his own faith. We discussed religion as part of our upbringing and my mother is very accepting of other faiths so it wasn't hard with her. My father, who had left my mother when I was 5 is excommunicated and apostate. It's my grandparents and extended family that are the issue, weddings, funerals etc are always full of tsk tsk and "have you thought about coming back to church." A funny story, my cousins wedding, my aunt had purchased some bottlss of sparkling cider to celebrate. Only problem was they all had a tab closure. Me and my brother were the only ones with bottle openers on us! So me and him are walking around opening everyone's bottle, apostates to the rescue lol (Mormons don't drink alcohol)
Do Mormons drink alcohol at weddings then? I'm confused.
No she had some bottlss of nonalcoholic sparkling cider. It was supposed to be the equivalent of champagne but without alcohol.
Ah, that makes sense.
He supports his family? And yet his dad wanted to gift you guys an apartment? Something's not adding up there.
I did read the whole take. I'm sorry you've been dealing with suicidal thoughts. Please hang in there. It's not worth killing yourself over.
Also, please do maintain communication with your brother. It sounds like he truly does care about you and he wants to be there for you. He's a good guy.
Finally, it's okay to create a healthy distance between ourselves and our parents. That's part of growing up. But please don't cut them off completely. These are the people who gave birth to you and raised you. They are your family! I know it may seem like they're trying to control your life, but I can assure you that they only have your best interests at heart. Sure, you may disagree with them from time to time. But don't let that tear your relationship apart completely.
Supporting doesn't mean paying for their expenses in that case.
I also considered talking to my brother more frequently, but just before I left, he seemed to have swayed in his opinion on my boyfriend; all of a sudden, he shared some light religious propaganda I had heard from my parents just a few days before.
I stayed calm and just nodded along, but I think that through this whole process, I've come to realise that my parents aren't as open minded or spritual as I deemed them to be. If they were, they'd have welcomed by boyfriend.
Okay. What does he do for them?
Okay, so your brother gave you his opinion, which happened to be religious. So what? Are you going to hold that against him?
No, actually. They are spiritual. That is why they did not like the idea of you being with a Muslim. Because that's a different faith. Don't you see? They're being entirely 100% consistent to what they have always said all along. Jesus is the savior, not Mohammed. It's not something that can be compromised on. I don't see how you expect them to change a lifelong strongly held belief that is at the core of their being.
It's great that you're open-minded and you were willing to give him a chance. That's your life. But you can't automatically expect your parents to change their views just because of your own personal choices which go against their views. That's illogical. And I say that in the nicest way possible; I'm not trying to be mean!
@Jamie05rhs I asked the same thing. Supporting is supporting. If you’re supporting your parents, obviously they cannot live on their own. That and the fact she didn’t her parents everything or any of us about what he’s doing is really shady.
She obviously knows something is wrong on some level. Entrepreneur. You know who says that? Criminals, but perhaps she rationalizes such because of $$$$.
You said that your parents make you feel like killing yourself; my immediate thought is that if I had parents that disrespected me that much, it would make me feel like killing *them*.
I am sorry you have such horrible bigots for your parents. Your boyfriend sounds like a good man.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I've had a complicated relationship with them for years, this is the result of that.
My boyfriend supports every choice I make - if he had an issue, he'd phrase it in a respectful way. Can't say the same about my parents.
I'm truly sorry. When and if you have children I think your parents (or at least your mother) will demand to see them Don't give in to that. No child deserves to spend time with a bigot.
I fully agree with this, it'll be my choice whether they see my future kids or not.
Also, I feel like me and my boyfriend communicate very well and will find our own pace in the world, regardless of our parents.
You say that he’s an “entrepreneur” what’s the business? Maybe that concerns your parents!
I see their concern of his “Cult” ( Death Cult ) . That’s not a religion... Let me explain their Koran... They are told to lie to all “ Infidels “ , that’s you! ( you’re a non believer ! They demand that you belive in a pedophile and murder. alah). It also says, “ kill all non believers! They are all Fanatics! You may not see it now, just wait... Did, you know that women only count for half of a person? They think women are not valuable. Wait until he demands that you wear a Burqa and keep your mouth and head covered. You’re playing with fire 🔥.. You’ll get Burned ! Listen to your parents. They live you! I can hear your thoughts , you don’t want advice, you’re going to stay with the muzzy until he beats you...
I told my parents what business he's in, I just didn't tell them details because I figured it would be nicer if he got to talk about it.
The rest of your reply is your opinion and should be stated as such instead of implying they're facts. You just threw 1/5 of the global population under the bus without stating your own beliefs.
Lmfao another islamophobe who gets his information from Tommy Robinson and anti-Islamic websites. Stick to your delusion and hate, mate 😂
I don't know you or your parents, having said that they are correct about one thing. If you are Christian, that is a follower of the God of Abraham according to His Word the KJV bible (KJV being taken from the received text... meaning it came from Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter, James and Paul, their manuscripts which were found in Antioch) and your boyfriend being of the Muslim faith... it will not work out.
How devout are you and your boyfriend to your said faiths?
I outlined this in my post and my replies, neither me nor my boyfriend are devout.
The bible recommends that we don't marry unbelievers, so does the Quran - if we were devout, we wouldn't even be able to be in a relationship.
I think that's pretty clear.
How disappointing to have such close-minded parents*By the way, someone has made the assumption in his answer that you met your guy on Tinder? I don't see anywhere where you said the dating site you met through' was Tinder? Was it?*Regardless of how you met, if your relationship is going so well then you should stay true to yourself, your feelings and your boyfriend*If your parents can't handle that then you need to let it be their problem not yours - they should love you unconditionally !
I agree, it's very disappointing for me.
I said that I met him on Tinder in this paragraph:
Also, my parents noted that they'd have wished for me to have told them about my relationship RIGHT AFTER meeting him on Tinder because then, they would've been able to break us up from the start.
I documented most of our relationship from the first couple of weeks of texting over our first date right to when he basically moved in with me.
I can send you links to the takes I wrote if you want, just send me a follow request and I'll be able to PM you.
I truly hope my parents will always love me, which is why I'm convinced that this won't break us apart.
Ah right, thanks for pointing that out.
I hope too for you that your parents will always love you
Best wishes to you & your boyfriend
Actually, they hate him for race reasons, not religious reasons. That's just the mask they're choosing to wear.
As for progress. Neither of you seem to be of sound mind, thus doubt things will work out anyway. But there is always hope if you get your minds and lives sorted out and become independent, focused adults.
I agree that it's just a mask, that they're closed-minded and share racist beliefs.
My mom believes EVERY relationship where someone meets online is doomed to fail. If I meet someone online, I would not be able to tell her that. Other than that, my mom is pretty cool with whoever I date. It helps that mom and I share most of our important core values so she knows whoever I date at least shares those basic morals.
You should know that no matter non-religous you are, if you are dating a Muslim man eventually he will ask you to convert to Islam, as for your parents Christians tend to look down on Muslims which is ironic seeing that Mohamed is the son of Sarah who was the wife of Abraham.
Thank you for your reply.
Abraham had two sons, Ishmael and Isaac. Isaac was the son of Sarah while Ishmael, the firstborn, was Hagar's son.
Jesus and Muhammad have nothing in common other than the fact that they share Abraham as an ancestor.
Muhammad is not the son of Sarah though, he's also not related to her, only to Abraham (and Hagar)
Ishmael was the son of Sarah, not Mohamed. Abraham had two sons. The first was Ishmael, whom he had with Hagar, who was an Egyptian princess. The second son was Isaac, whom he had with Sarah. Isaac was the father of Jews, and Ishmael was the father of Arabs (Muslims). So Jews and Muslims share a common ancestor, and are actually half-brothers.
@Keyboardkat Ishmael was the son of Hagar though, I think in your first sentence you meant to write "Isaac" because the rest is correct.
Isaac is also the foundation for Christianity, not just for Judaism, since he's an ancestor of Jesus according to the bible.
Tallandsweet, you are correct. I meant to say Isaac was the son of Sarah! Thank you for pointing that out.
@Keyboardkat No worries :)
You can’t tell your parents select information and then get upset when they get mad themselves.
You only have one mom and dad. You’ve known this man 6 months and you’re 19. Your brain and physical changes don’t stop til your 25.
On one hand you say his dad offered to gift you an apartment, but on the other hand you say it is your boyfriend that has been supporting them the last 2 years?
I’m curious what does this entrepreneur do?
Islam and Christianity are probably the closest religions to each other, and what did they mean with fuckboy? Muslims can't have sex til marriage so he's def a virgin. Just understand their perspective and do what you see as right you're 19 it's your own life.
Fuck it.
do you like him, do u love him?
Then go for it, notice I don't say write them off. But make them realize they don't have a say and if your happiness is important to them they need to get to know him
I agree with this, obviously I'll always care about what my parents have to say, but if their concerns aren't based on reason, I think it's okay to ignore them :)
Hi I just finished reading your whole post and I find it so sad and bizar I feel for you. I think that if your parents can't accept who you like/love/date and if you get suicidal thoughts that it is indeed a wise decision to spend some time away from them and start something with you boyfriend like you mentioned. I dont have any advice really but but I dont think it is healthy to be with your parents right no. I wish you a happy life and hope your situation get better!
Thank you so much for your heartfelt words.
I was so shocked with how telling them went, I understand that they're full of fear for their little girl, but they implied that he would rape me soon to "get what he wants".
I wonder what their reaction had been like if I had ATTEMPTED to introduce them to a black man.
we have been at war with the muslim turks for 700 years. his ancestors raped and enslaved yours. why john smith (who married pocahauntus) was captured as a child and sold as a muslim sex slave. he escaped from greece and became a sailor.
so to say you have no respect for your ancestry is an understatement. your parents have every right to be upset
I'm European and have no idea what you're referring to. Christians killed Muslims just like Muslims killed Christians. That was so long ago, are you saying a white person can't be with a black person because black people used to be held as slaves and hence there's no way a relationship like that would work?
@tallandsweet Don't listen to this bitter fool. Can't reason with someone who lives in the past and is holding current people accountable for the actions of people in the past.
@tallandsweet no, muslims were the principle aggressor in every situation. always have been
@TruthBringer says the guy who hates jews? which is why you are here defending muslims
I don't hate jews and never did. Keep gaslighting people
So nice way to project your own hatred onto other people. I defend anyone against injustice, including Jews. And since I grew up between Muslims and have Muslim friends, I'm indeed inclined to defend them from bigots like yourself
@TruthBringer yup im sure it has noooooothing to do with your constant hatred of israel and nazi talking points on other threads
"hate towards Israel" Hahah yeah keep deluding yourself mate. Just because I critisize a state for it's crimes, which are internationally recognized, doesn't mean I necessarily hate a nation. WIth that logic, I might aswel hate almost every nation on this earth for simply criticizing certain things. I love how you conflate anti-Zionism with anti-Semitism, which ironically makes you seem more like a Nazi considering you're throwing Jews under the bus by implying they are accountable for certain crimes not all of them have committed. Come back when you have something intelligent to say
@TruthBringer "internationally recognized" as if there is such thing as a trustworthy international body lol
Love how much in denial you are. Literally claim an organization doesn't hold legitimacy or existence simply because they happened to criticize a state you like to jerk off to. Whatever helps you sleep at night, bud 😂
@TruthBringer no i claim organizations have no legitimacy because they... don't. there is no international body that has any legitimacy. none of them have any values or consistency or perspective.
name a legitimate international body
The United Nations is internationally recognized for it's position and legitimacy. The only people who claim otherwise are the very same people who are butthurt about it criticizing their precious little state, group or country.
If the UN doesn't exist, then Israel doesn't exist either. I bet you don't have any criticism against the UN recognizing crimes from Arab/Muslim countries. Can't have your cake and eat it too buddy.
@TruthBringer lol the united nations, a body where china is on the human rights counsil and saudi arabia is head of the counsel for the advancement of women. its a joke organization
There is a a lot of flaws within the UN indeed. But to say it isn't an organization which exists or has something to say in current state of affairs is also false. The latter is nothing more than an opinion (a false one too).
@TruthBringer i would say it is the majority opinion actually. the UN is a body that is vestigial. it doesn't work and has no purpose. it also cannot be fixed or reformed. you have too much faith in institutions if you don't agree
Nah I don't have faith in the UN. I simply have faith in their analysis, not their overall power. That's clearly to see in them registering violations of international law and rarely doing something about it lol
@TruthBringer haha so in other words you know the UN is shit you just like when they agree with you
I know the UN is shit in actually exercising their authority (which they barely have). If they did have it, then nations like Israel wouldn't get away with so many violations of international law. The organization itself exists and it's doing it's job in being a hawk watching what's happening, but to actually do something about it is another story lmfao
@TruthBringer ooooor here's a thought. the majority of countries are muslim and thus they use their votes in the UN to declare israel in violation while covering for eachother
its an illegitimate organization
And yet these same countries are the very ones to sign deals with Israel lmfao. If you think the leaders of these Arab countries are even trustworthy, then you're wrong. They are hypocrites. They speak out in opposition to Israel while at the same time shaking hands with it. The Arab countries are a joke. But to say the UN itself is illegitimate is also an exaggeration. It's the same as saying Israel is an illegitimate state since it sits on stolen land, building illegal settlements and because there are nations that don't recognize it's legitimacy. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Sorry mate
@TruthBringer actually they haven't had any resolutions against israel from those countries that signed peace deals with israel lin a long time. almost as if they grew up and stopped using the UN as a pointless platform and moved on with their lives
The UN definitely needs reformation or be closed altogether
I dont know, those damn Turkish Muslims are not to be trusted! That's not good if your parents make you want to commit suicide, thats pretty toxic, I guess the best thing is to stay away from them.