If you want to know if your significant others family hates you, try asking one of my good friends. In the middle of the ceremony, she was asked to leave her fiances father's funeral because his sisters, screaming, crying, and overtaken not by their father's death, but by my friends presence, claimed it was inappropriate for her to be there. Why's that you ask? Because she is of a different faith. Oh, and this wasn't month one into them dating, this was 10 years into them dating and they still hated her.
A lot of people are put into this very uncomfortable position where they absolutely love or like the one they are with, but their family hates them to the point where every interaction with them gives them anxiety, or they know every family gathering will end in fighting and accusations not just with the family but with their significant other was to whom he or she should side with. So if you find yourself in that position, what do you do?
1. Identify the problem
Sometimes, you really have done something to upset the family and ignoring that or your actions is only going to make it worse. If their anger and hatred is related to an incident or something you didn't even realize was a problem, ask your SO or directly talk with the family and see if you can apologize or try to rectify the situation. It's not always them and their fault that they dislike you. If the problem is an impossible one, like you aren't the same race and they dislike you for that reason or you and your spouse have agreed not to have children, and the family refuses to respect that, then there isn't much you can do or nothing you can do to repair or help the situation.
2. Make sure your SO knows
Sometimes your partner around their family can become ignorant to your struggles. They're just really happy to be around family and they know how to navigate tricky situations that you might not. Explain to him/her that your experience is vastly different and that you would like some support or help with their family.
3. Real Talk
Go directly to the source and set up a lunch and as calmly as you can, explain how you don't want to fight or have them dislike you anymore and ask what you can do so that you aren't always in this situation with them. Sometimes people just get so caught up in something, they don't know why they hate someone so much or when confronted with what they are doing, it can shake them loose. Make sure you give them a chance to talk to you and that you can listen. Bringing anger to this session won't help anyone even if it is justified.
4. Set boundaries
If you are in your house and you have to interact with their family, you set the rules and what is and isn't acceptable. In your own home, you do not allow them to talk down to you, to talk about you, to fight with you etc. If they cannot respect such boundaries, then the door is available. Do keep in mind though, that this is a solution only if you've tried all diplomatic ways to get them to treat you with respect, you've given the family fair warning, and you've talked with your spouse about your intentions if certain behaviors continue, otherwise it may backfire if you just spring it on everyone.
5. Remember who you're there for
Just imagine if you're partner said, they hated your family and you absolutely love them. That's hard to hear for anyone who does indeed love their family. Even as you struggle, remember you're there because of your loved one. You're gritting teeth and breathing through one nostril because it's important that you be there and he or she wants you to be by their side. Also remember that you love him/her very much and that hate them or not, these people helped shape the wo/man that you love in some way that makes you love them.
6. Limit your exposure to the toxins
You've tried everything you can under the sun and they still hate you, then limit your exposure to the family. Agree to show up at Christmas, funerals, and Nana's birthday, but you're not doing baptisms, neices/nephews birthdays, or every single Sunday dinner especially if your significant other isn't the sticking up for you type in the face of their family. If the family clearly doesn't want you there and let's everyone know, I think you're pretty sure at that point that, they won't mind if you skip out.
7. The complete cut off
Okay, I'm all for trying to make it work, and sucking it up for the sake of your loved one, BUT there are limits to this and that involve physical abuse, verbal threats, complete disrespect of not just you, but your family or friends. There are just some things that are too far, and if you're in that situation, it should go without saying that you should not and will not further expose yourself to your SO's family and if your SO doesn't understand that in those cases, it's probably time to take a look at the strength of your relationship and if it's worth it that they would rather see you suffer or be physically injured, then admit their family is wrong or their actions against you completely unacceptable.
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