So I decided to share my experience on that too familiar topic, and share some advice.
I´ve been struggling with my boyfriend´s brother for quite a good amount of time, jumping on my eyelashes to get him to see me as a plus, not an obsticle. But no matter what I did, I either kissed his ass, didn´t have to do it, or played a wicked mind game plan behind it in order to possess my boyfriend and suck his soul out. Or so, he saw it that way.
From inviting me to my birthday and taking his drunk-ass home to doing his chores, nothing seemed to work. I was only so desperate to get my boyfriend´s best friend on my side, because I cared for the sight of his girlfriend getting along with his family like a normal functional human being! Boy, was that time wasted. And I wasn´t annoyed by him like I am now. More like obsessing over him, and not in an annoying matter, I knew when to stop. He would just ignore me altogether. He would tell me to move my ass to the back of my boyfriend´s car. He´d answer me with one-word answers to avoid conversation. It seemed like he didn´t want nothing to do with me, except when I wasn´t there. My boyfriend would put up with his friend´s asking if I really am a bi***.
One time, I heard him talking about me to my boyfriend. I cried. So many horrible things said with such a hating passion in his voice. He wanted him to break up over the fact that he could do better and not so annoying for his taste. Then, I stopped crying. Something clicked in me. He´s never going to accept me. Ever. Just because I´m not fit, athletic and have a different personality. He tried to break us up.
After I came back, I played nice. Polite. Showed him I have zero resent, but pain. I showed him he had hurt me, not made me mad. Needless to say I saw he felt like crap. So that´s how I dealt with the whole issue. Did it improve my relationship with the brother? Doubt it. Have I stopped worrying about it? You bet I did. And I couldn´t care less about his opinion of me. So inner peace achieved. Now, to some advices for you if you ever find yourself in a similar situation:
Find out what they don´t like about you. Do they think you are:
- a threat to their relationship with your partner? If so, give them space to hang out without you.
- a bad influence? Show them you love and care about your partner in front of them. Chances are, they didn´t see you doing that.
- lazy and using your partner´s finances or feelings? Yup, it can even get to that thought. Start doing chores around them. Don´t let them see you doing nothing. Also, they might never see you pay for your own things even if you do it often, or even pay for your partner when you´re alone. So why don´t you surprise them by buying your love a gift and giving it in front of their family member who hates you?
- annoying and that is simply enough of a reason to make you feel miserable? If that is the case, you need to cut the crap with trying to get their approval. That´s not going to happen, unless you change your personality, sense of humor, your body, your voice, your name, your indentity. So if that option is off the table, you should play this game like you´re the devil himself.
Mind the following things:
1. Never rant to your partner about his family. Rather show concern about their treatment towards you.
2. Don´t ever lose your temper with the "abuser". That´s what they are going for. Show pain, show tears. Anger produces more anger. Tears produce guilt.
3. Whatever you feel, keep it to yourself. Always show kindness towards the abuser and sorrow to your partner. If you are a good actor even show a broken smile when in touch with the abuser.
4. A little of what they want doesn´t always mean they have won. Someone might feel angry about their dog not being obedient, but they don´t want them gone. Chances are, they want you to break up with your partner. But they don´t want what comes with it: Seeing their beloved sibling sad. If you manage to act out like I did, and don´t visit for a while, it might send them on a train for a guilt trip. You´re still doing nothing wrong as you should avoid toxic people in the first place.
I hope this helps just a little bit. I´m by no means promoting manipulation. But if it´s the last thing you can do to keep your otherwise great relationship without the threat of your partner´s family breaking you up ( since family is a great part of anyone´s life and have a great influence, so you shouldn´t blame your partner for being torn between you and them), then you shouldn´t hesitate. It´s a mild thing in comparison of what they do to you on almost a daily basis. You should be happy in your relationship, so if anything else, I´m promoting happiness.
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