You've probably heard the saying "running your head up against a wall." A saying describing putting constant effort into something and not seeing any results, almost knowing that no result will ever occur.
For me, that wall has been my solitude. My feeling that I need a partner in order to just be okay. The feeling that if I don't have someone, or can't have someone to love and love me, then that means I don't deserve love, and I will never get it. A delusional belief I know, but a belief I carry with me whether I like it or not. I expected to come out stronger through this pandemic, or maybe I didn't. I suppose it doesn't matter how I felt.
People say things like "If you can't stand being alone, then that means you need to be." I believe that's the case for some. I no longer believe that for me. I think I wanted to be in a relationship so bad because... well, who doesn't? All of this fulfillment that I see people getting in their relationships with their S.O.'s. What I find funny is these are always the people who preach the words stated above. They see themselves as some success story and tell themselves. "Luck ain't got nothin' to do with it" and think that this person came along, because they were just in the right spiritual space and the universe just gives you your person when you're ready for them. Well, I'm sorry to burst your bubble but that is bullshit.
Love, when you find it is so beautiful and is so rare. It can come into your life at any time. For any reason, with no warning. Unfortunately it is so rare, that if it comes along once in your life you can consider yourself very lucky, and don't be so narcissistic to expect an encore. My love was so deep and true. I remember still years later how hard I fell. How much I loved her. How I would've done anything to make her happy. Including stand by her as a friend while her boyfriend cheated on her and broke her heart every other week. To break down and tell her I love her, only to hear her say it back (something that made my heart turn into fireworks.) For her to say she wanted to be with me, and then to string me along for months only to start f****ing my best friend for 9 months and then to leave the country and find a rich boyfriend in Japan so she can spend the rest of her days in luxury and complete freedom. That was my one time with love, and I don't think I even want a part of it anymore, but I do... Funny how cognitive dissonance works. Sometimes I delude myself into thinking that the right person is coming along.
but that's not happening for me. In fact, I'm convinced that it will never happen.
Some say, "If you feel miserable and alone, then a relationship isn't going to fix that." I wholeheartedly disagree. I think that is a stupid, mean thing to say. To that I say, "Fine then, leave the man/woman you love." They're obviously not fulfilling, so why are you with them? And if you were already happy before, then what the hell are you doing? This person doesn't make you happy apparently, so why are you wasting either of your time or energy? Why not just ride the high of sexual infatuation and then move on to the next? Of course the answer is that you don't actually feel that way. The truth is you have no idea why you want to be in a relationship. You think you do, you don't. The truth is that the only reason anyone ever entertains the idea of a romance is to make the monotony and sheer repetitiveness of life as a human being a little more bearable, because life on it's own isn't just unbearable. It is downright God awful.
To get up, brush your teeth, make breakfast go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. To come home to no-one, to be working to bring in bread for no-one. No matter what I do. I run my head up against the wall of aloneness. I've worked so many days I've lost count, I've put so much energy into making myself a "more attractive man" to no avail. I remember when I really wanted someone to share with, to hold, to be intimate with, to learn about and just be around. I remember when that was a want. When it progressed to a deep intrinsic need. Still, the wall doesn't even begin to crack. The wall between me and everyone else. I don't know how it got there, I just know it's not going anywhere. Now I don't want someone, I need someone. I really need someone. I don't have much energy in me to keep going. So universe, if you've been waiting for me to be ready, I've been ready. It's you who has been slacking. The unfortunate thing is that I know this about myself, but I also know that I've become too broken to ever even be able to make a relationship work. I know that I will be completely alone for the rest of my life, however long that will be. Let this act as my open letter to the universe. F*** you. I don't have to play this stupid game of yours anymore, and you can't make me. I get to stand in my power and make that decision. Do you know how I know that I'll never find love again? because I used to feel happy and warm inside when I'd even see love, or romance happening. I'd think "If I had my wish, everybody would be in love all the time!" I don't wish that anymore. Now it's years later, and I wish that nobody was in love. I wish that not one person throughout the world got to experience love even once in their entire lives. Then, maybe, you'd all see what I mean.
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Sorry to hear what you went through with your Ex, while I've not had that happen, it is refreshing to hear the words that circle in my head come out of someone else's mouth (metaphorically speaking).
It's always those in happy relationships that tell you it's not worth the mental space you're giving it. It's not like we think it will magically make things OK. Will there be work, of course, but will we actually have the motivation to put that work in, and the confidence to believe it will be worth it, absolutely.
Like you said, I can survive on my own, but it will be dull, boring and unfulfilling, no matter how much I try and stuff it with things to do, I'm still going to bed alone, I'm still eating alone, I'm still coming home to no-one.
I'm not going to fill this with hollow platitudes, but I did want to say that I hear you, and I agree with you wholeheartedly.
Well what your ex did will fuck anyone up pretty hard. And that's why love doesn't come your way. I believe your pain prevents you from being genuinely fun and happy which is what will attract love into your life.
If you come with a needy vibe it'll be extremely difficult to find anyone who is interested. It's just paradoxical like that. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer. The secret is in breaking that cycle.
Personally I also disagree with 'If you hate being alone, you need to be alone more'. I think that can work for some people but its terrible advice for others. Lack of social contact can make you seriously neurotic and depressive which will only reinforce what you're feeling and your bad situation overall.
There's no easy fix for this man. You just got to get through that pain, no matter how. Once it leaves you, you'll be in a position to find love.
If you are feeling lonely, here are some tips to cope it -
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