4 lies we need to stop telling ourselves at the start of a relationship

[soz11122]

1. Our big differences will balance us out

While there should be some differences, the big important ones that put you on opposite ends of the spectrum will probably break you up and create ton of tension.

2. I can change them even if they don't want to change

You can't and if you do somehow change them when they don't want to change, they'll likely resent you for it. You're better off being single and finding someone who's already made the change you're looking for.

3. It's going to get better

If you have to soothe yourself at the start because things keep going sideways, odds are that won't change and in fact will likely get worse. Just consider moving on quickly so you don't get more attached.

4. I'll never find someone like this again

We can't confirm this. It's dangerous to put someone up on a pedestal like that because you're likely falling in love with the idea of them which always leads to a big letdown.

[RomanticRealist]

I generally agree with this, with the caveat that self-soothing is a part of self-development and emotional self-regulation. Your own anxieties and insecurities can challenge you in relationships that require self-soothing, being comfortable with space from your partner and avoiding a descend into codependent madness, etc. I also don’t really believe in the “someone out there meets all my needs!” mindset. Nine times out of ten, the pursuit for perfection is an inability to self-soothe, handle your own shit and space within a relationship, and not understanding that your partner can’t and shouldn’t be your everything or provide you with everything you need. So breaking out of that mindset will require a lot of internal work over the course of adulthood for most people and a lot of self-soothing. The perfect honeymoon phase will die off and you’re be in that same position eventually anyway. So for me, being aware of what I can’t compromise on is just as important as being aware of what I can if the foundation is good but not perfect. I’ve never met anyone that has everything I could ever want, especially as you get older and money, career, ambition are factors (at least for some of us). Everyone is different, but I think people tend to gloss over or hide some of their struggles with self-soothing and doing actual work in relationships because of this false narrative that you’ll find the perfect person for you and that it will just be perfectly easy forever. It won’t, unless someone is lying or has other issues, most likely.

[Anonymous]

I’m guilty of #2 and #3.

I fell for a guy who was an alcoholic; I didn't see it at the beginning because I was the most stupid human being on planet earth (it even crossed my mind once or twice, but I was love blind). Everything started to surface when we moved in together (e. g. drinking a bottle of wine at 7:30 am before work).

Regardless, I thought he would change with enough care and support. My belief in things getting better grew stronger the more time I invested. Things got bad, and I had to leave.

[tenor55]

For #2, it is not that people cannot change and grow in their emotional health. The point is that YOU can’t change them. They have to do the hard work on their own. For sure I have changed over 50 years of marriage. There were times I was a real A-hole! I am so glad my wife has the patience of Job!

[Ladybugharp]

@tenor55 Yeah, It’s been an excellent life lesson for me, but one I learnt too late in life.

I never wanted to change aspects of his character/personality; I still think he is great. I focused too much on changing his drinking situation because it was impacting his mental health, he became unemployed and stopped putting effort in (it’s been two years since we broke off, and he is still drinking, depressed and unemployed).

I love that you appreciate your wife so much - that’s a good look!

[exitseven]

I agree with all of this. I always used to make fun of people who stay in bad relationships because they believe the other person will change. The one day I looked in the mirror and saw some crazy person that looked just like me.

[Ladybugharp]

@exitseven "Then one day I looked in the mirror and saw some crazy person that looked just like me." I know the feeling!

[Guy13]

You hit this one on the head.

[DizzyDesii]

I dont tell myself 1-3 at all. I do tell myself #4 because there's something different about everyone and it is hard to find someone like them again. I mean i might find better but not someone just like them

[dustybiker]

4 is true if it’s a strong gut instinct. My gut has never lied. Some things are worth fighting for.

[RealMarek]

Good observations. Number 4 is always true strictly speaking, but if you find yourself coping by telling yourself any of numbers 1-3, it’s probably best to not find someone like that again.

[BJP21]

100% True, do not compromise either by trying to adapt to that person because it will back fire on you.

[ManHater]

For women it's these 4 things.

Stop thinking he will change

Stop thinking you can help him or change him

Stop enjoying his fists to your face

Stop going after bad men.

[Alex8736]

100%. it's the definition of insanity by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

[Anonymous]

How about for the cheaters?

Like... I will never cheat again

[LiamJHayden]

Yes. Especially #4. Too many people get terminal cases of One-itis.

[Songomatic]

They are perfect
They will give me happiness
I will get bored
We are different, we won’t argue

[Fromdusktilldawn]

What about: "Living happily till death takes us apart"

[DynamicKicker]

yup you're absolutely right

[SnowedIn]

Very, very well said.

[kevypatyy7]

So true and I love all of them

[Tracker1958]

Stay single and use people.

[Anonymous]

Great advice that more people need.

[Anonymous]

I needed this years ago..

[Anonymous]

Keep on smoking crack