Relationships

Changing for Your Partner is Not as Bad as People Claim: The Myths and the Reality

We've all heard those familiar phrases, “Never change for anyone” or “If someone wants you to change for them, they don’t really love you.” They’re the kind of advice tossed around like it’s gospel truth. But let’s take a moment to be honest—relationships naturally involve change. And, believe it or not, that’s not always a negative thing.

Of course, no one should ever feel pushed to become someone they’re not. But the idea that all change is harmful, or that adjusting for your partner equates to losing yourself, is simply... misguided. And maybe even wrong. Life is all about change and growth, and that includes the beautiful ways we evolve within our relationships.

I personally suffered a lot from this belief, and it leaded us to countless arguments with my partner. I was convinced that if I ever changed a single thing about myself, or adapted to something that he says, I would lose touch with my true self, and become a shadow of what he “desired” in a partner. However, as our relationship blossomed, I discovered that I’m not the only one that’s going through a change. I realized a distinction between a controlling partner and positive change—which turned out to be surprising for me. As I overcame my stubbornness, it moved us both forward. And to this day, I didn’t lose anything, but rather added a lot to my true self.

So, let’s explore some of the biggest myths surrounding change for your partner and separate the myths from the truth— and see that sometimes, a little change can truly be a gift for both of you.

Changing for Your Partner is Not as Bad as People Claim: The Myths and the Reality

The Myths

Myth 1: Changing means betraying your authentic self

One of the top common misconceptions is that when you change for someone else, you lose a sense of who you truly are. The fear lingers that you’ll abandon your individuality to conform to your partner’s desires. However, not all change is about sacrifice. Often, the adjustments we make in relationships (like enhancing communication or becoming more sensitive about our partners’ boundaries) are beautiful opportunities for personal growth. These often are reflections of not a loss of identity, but a deepening of it. For instance, if your partner points out that you seem to be pulling away during a conflict and expresses a desire for you to change that, embracing this opportunity for compromise and growth isn’t a betrayal of who you are— even if it's a trait that's a part of your personality. In this case, this personality trait is as obvious as a crack in the mirror, yet holding onto it, fully aware that it will cause you pain, is not being loyal to your true self. In fortunate relationships, partners are able to show us these cracks in our mirrors. And usually, good partners truly desire for us to evolve into the best versions of ourselves by allowing us time and space to change these. Embracing a healthier and more self-aware version of yourself isn’t about losing your essence; it’s about discovering a deeper, more authentic you. Would changing for the better hurt your true self? Probably not.

Myth 2: All change is about control and manipulation

Another myth suggests that if you're changing for your partner, it must be because of a kind of manipulation or control on their side. While it’s undeniable that this kind of manipulation exists in some relationships, not all changes in a relationship arise from a place of control. If your partner cracks a joke about something that you are uncomfortable of and you warn them to change their tone for the jokes they make, does that make you manipulator or a control freak? Exactly. Some couples might be more compatible from others, but %100 compatibility is almost impossible. So, some things automatically change for the sake of our partners’ happiness and the quality of our relationships. If that change is not one sided but equal, this can actually point out the mutual respect towards partners have to one another. In a truly healthy dynamic, these changes come from a heartfelt desire to strengthen your bond. But remember: it should be about finding the common ground, not force.

Changing for Your Partner is Not as Bad as People Claim: The Myths and the Reality

Myth 3: If they really love you, they won’t ask you to change

That’s right. Even if your current partner is not happy about some things about you, someone out there will just love you for who you are, right? Right..? Well, let’s go over it.

The concept that love means embracing someone exactly as they are is undeniably romantic, yet it shifts into the territory of unrealistic. Relationships inherently demand compromise and a willingness to adapt to one another. Because let’s be honest: no two people are exactly alike, and it’s hard to find someone who truly fits with us like a perfect puzzle piece. And let’s say you met someone who fits you like a perfect puzzle piece—will you be able to love that person as deeply as you love them? It's possible that you may even find yourself not particularly liking this new person, despite the undeniable compatibility. Love, after all, is beautifully unpredictable. There will undoubtedly be imperfections on both sides, and what truly makes a relationship with the right person beautiful is that some of those imperfections will be cherished and embraced, while others will be lovingly resolved together. Therefore, clinging to the hope of no change, or resisting transformation for the sake of the relationship with the one you love, can be a rather dead-end. Because both partners often need to grow and adapt in order to protect and deepen their relationship.

The Reality

Reality 1: Change is part of life and relationships

Personal change is a beautiful and natural part of life, and relationships are often an important part of that journey. When you’re with someone, you not only learn from each other but also discover new sides of yourself. These sides could be incredible, or could be some sides where there is room for changing and growing. If you are genuinely bonded, enjoy each other's presence or share a home, chances are you spend a significant amount of time together. This intimate connection allows partners to truly see the things that define you far more deeply than your friends or family ever could. In such closeness, they may feel comfortable calling you out on things that others might shy away from discussing. “That blue dress you adore? Well, it might not be your best look. The red one brings out your features better.” It may sound bitter, perhaps even a bit controlling, doesn’t it? Yet, perhaps it’s not. Even when delivered with kindness, criticism can feel harsh. But if you trust that it comes from a place of good intentions, perhaps this is the moment for a little change. And hey, maybe red really does suit you better after all.

Reality 2: Positive change can be empowering

Now, let’s talk about the good stuff. Sometimes, the changes we make for our partners can actually empower us. Think about it: Your partner might be a hiking enthusiast, eager for you to join him on those breathtaking trails. If you’re more of a homebody and never ventured out before, their request might sound like a nightmare. You may feel a bit hesitant at first, but there's a chance you could find joy in it after all. Embracing this change could lead you to adopt a healthier lifestyle and share precious moments with your partner, all while discovering a beautiful new side of you and your partner. And guess what? You can do the same for your partner by encouraging them to explore something they never did but makes you happy. Who knows, they might just find joy in it too, and it could draw you even closer than you ever imagined. Of course, not everyone can genuinely love everything their partner enjoys, but there's something profoundly beautiful and transformative in altering your approach for your partner, or at the very least, shifting your perspective on certain things. These shifts aren’t about losing who you are; they’re about levelling up. You’re not just changing for the sake of the relationship, you are stepping into a version of yourself that you never experienced. That might not be all though— they might also inspire you to explore a habit that may be challenging to adopt but will ultimately bring you joy and fulfilment, or a career that once frightened you but now eager to embrace. When you look back, you might find that these changes have given you a boost in confidence and a clearer sense of direction in what you want in your life

Changing for Your Partner is Not as Bad as People Claim: The Myths and the Reality

Reality 3: It’s about compromise, not control


At the core of every truly strong relationship lies the beautiful art of compromise. And with compromise, comes the change. It’s not about one partner simply bending to the desires of the other; it’s about both of you discovering a common ground that enriches your relationship. Picture it as a captivating dance, where both partners adjust their steps to keep the rhythm flowing in harmony. When you're open to making heartfelt changes for one another, it’s often about elevating the relationship rather than sacrificing your individuality. For instance, one partner might find joy in the thrill of spontaneous rides, while the other cherishes the comfort of planning beforehand. Discovering that perfect balance could mean planning a fun date one weekend, followed by a wild adventure the next weekend. And it could be life-changing. It can also create cherished (and perhaps very unique) memories together. These thoughtful adjustments reflect your willingness to prioritize each other’s happiness. Instead of feeling controlled or pressured, you might begin to see it as two individuals choosing to adapt for the beautiful greater good of their relationship. Ultimately, this kind of heartfelt give-and-take, can make both partners feel genuinely valued and profoundly understood.

So, here’s the deal: changing for your partner doesn’t always have to feel frightening. In fact, when approached with genuine love and mutual respect, it can unlock some truly incredible growth for both of you. It’s all about discovering that delicate balance between honouring who you are and being open to evolving together. At the end of the day, relationships are about connection, compromise, and a touch of transformation and change. Embrace the beautiful journey of growing together, and remember that it’s absolutely okay to shift and adapt along the way. Just keep the lines of communication wide open, respect each other’s boundaries, and don’t forget to enjoy every moment of the ride. After all, life’s too short to remain stuck in one place when you can both thrive and flourish together.

Warning: If you have a gut feeling that your partner is primarily focused on changing you without making any effort themselves, this could signal a troubling pattern of control or manipulation. If you find yourself being the only one making significant changes in the relationship while your partner remains inactive and apathetic, then this myTake may not resonate with your situation.

Changing for Your Partner is Not as Bad as People Claim: The Myths and the Reality
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