Changing your Partners habits and quirks?

[natured]

There are many reasons why there are so many clichés about the inability to change an Adult, especially your Significant Other.

And I'm saying Adult because ever heard of the saying "You can't teach an old Dog new tricks" or "A tiger never changes its stripes" ?

But why don't we see their flaws when we start to date?

See, when you are in the beginning, you get wooed and romanced from left to right, that you barely notice their quirky little habits and flaws in general. That's when you actually accept his flaws indirectly, the first phase is just very blurry, because we can't get enough of each other and spending time together is the priority right.... ?

After years though, you notice the very same quirks that turn out into irritating quirks to you.... WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

Well, the Honeymoon phase is over, and now you are facing THE REAL ADULT YOU CHOSE TO HOLD FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE (eventually).

And his or her habits and quirks are becoming the death of you, you even are so devastated by them that you are already picturing yourself to BREAK UP and start new ....

YOU WANT THEM TO CHANGE, you ask them to change, you want to sculpt your partner the way YOU WANT TO.

Look, here is my theory, encouraging someone to be their best self is an amazing quality of a supportive partner, but FORCIBLY trying to change your SO can do more damage than good for the both of you.

Remember, that changing partners will not change your relationship dynamics per se. Positive changes come over time not by force.

I noticed that the most common things people try to change in a relationship are:

- Religious perspectives, Politics, Family planning, Friends and Family hangouts and online gaming ...

REMEMBER: TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS where Violence, Force , cheating, and RADICALISM TAKE PLACE should be ended immediately, trying to change a violent or toxic partner is USELESS, that's when you should pack your bags and LEAVE for your own sake. Because there is no excuse in using violence, and MOST of these people have mental health issues and they can only change through a drastic therapy, not THROUGH YOU. Please remember this.

Trust me, if you want to damage your relationship, try to force changes.

On the other hand did you even look at yourself ?

Do you think you're perfect?

Don't you have quirks?

UH - OH

Here we go, what if somebody forces you to stop wearing your favourite color because THEY DON'T LIKE IT ? OR WHAT IF THEY WANT YOU TO QUIT PLAYING YOUR VIDEO GAMES?

THAT'S UNFAIR RIGHT?

Well Guess what ... it's also unfair to expect him/her to change his/her religious perspective and other believes just because YOU DON'T LIKE THEM.

At the end of the day, it's important to remember the positive things in your relationship.

Does your SO respect you ?

Does your SO treat you good?

Does your SO protect you?

Does your SO offer stability?

Remember, the presence of respect in a relationship will make both of you feel SAFE. Respecting each others flaws and quirks will not only bring your mind at peace, but you when you tolerate them you will even see eventual changes.

Good things come to those who wait

This is so me and him by the way lol

Add your thoughts about this, as you know, I love to discuss these things with all of you and see if I missed something.

Namaste

-D-

[BlacklightShade]

There are brainwashing techniques that can cause people to change their opinions over time.

Isolation: Isolate the victim away from their friends and family so that the victim only has the manipulator to talk to, to get their information and ideas from, and they do not have to worry about any third party coming in and questioning what’s going on.

Attacks on self-esteem:Now that the victim has been isolated, he or she has to be broken down so that the manipulation can start rebuilding them in the image they desire. A person can only be brainwashed if their manipulator is in a superior position to them. These attacks could be in the form of ridiculing or mocking the victim, or intimidation.

Mental abuse:
Another way a manipulator will try and brainwash their victims is by mentally torturing them. They could tell the victims lies and then embarrass them with the truth in front of others, or they could bully their victims by badgering them and not allowing them any personal space.

Physical abuse:
Manipulators know that there are many physical techniques whereby a victim can be brainwashed. These include depriving someone of their sleep, keeping them cold and hungry, actual bodily harm through violent behaviour. There are also other more subtle ways that a manipulator can use, such as keeping noise levels up, having lights that flicker on and off all the time, and lowering or raising the temperature in the room.

Repetitive music:
Studies have shown that if you play a repetitive beat, most ideally one that ranges from 45 to 72 beats per minute, you can induce an extremely hypnotic state. This is because that repetition is very close to the rhythm of the beat of a human heart. This rhythm can alter your consciousness until you have reached what is known as an Alpha state, where you are 25 times more suggestible as you would be in a Beta state.

Only allowing contact with other brainwashed members:
By only allowing contact with those who are already brainwashed, the manipulator is creating a situation whereby peer pressure comes into play. Everybody wants to be liked and accepted, especially if they are the new member of the group. Adhering and promoting what the other members are saying and doing means that they will be accepted.

Us vs. Them:
Again, this is all about being accepted into a group, and the best group as well. By saying that there is an Us and a Them, the manipulator is immediately offering the victim the chance to choose which group they want to belong to. Their goal is now to achieve absolute obedience and loyalty.

Love Bombing:
This is a tactic whereby the victim is drawn into the group by physical touching, sharing intimate thoughts and emotional bonding, all through excessive affection and constant validation.

[Bean2k]

Go ahead and try to brainwash me. I'll have you selling your body on eBay.

[BlacklightShade]

@Bean2k Is that where you found your mother?

[Bean2k]

@BlacklightShade That doesn't even make sense. There is no way I could predate my biological mother.

[R4zor]

@Bean2k Why so toxic all she said made sense

[Screenwriter]

Yes, when the honeymoon is over, charming quirks often become gratingly annoying. Yet, trying to force change is a losing proposition.

But the pollyannaish closing, that good things comes to those who wait, is just as foolish. Unless a longtime partner is invested in change primarily for THEIR sake and peripherally for your and the relationship's improvement, it doesn't matter HOW long you wait: Change will not happen.

It's best to believe a partner will not change and learn to live with pesky quirks instead of fruitlessly nagging and hoping for change.

The best that could happen with a loving partner is they alter a behavior because they know it matters to you. But only expect this in small instances. I used to remind my former spouse to mop the floors. He never noticed when or if they were dirty. I ALWAYS did and it drove me crazy that he couldn't see or feel the dirt. (I walk around barefoot on the wood floors in summer.)

However, he knew this mattered to me, so he graciously mopped the floors when I mentioned it to him. So, I accepted that he'd never notice, and he accepted that I'd mention when I noticed and he'd mop the floor. A great compromise. That, to me, is the best of both worlds.

[Phoenix98]

The only reason I'd do that is because they were either self destructive or harmful to the relationship or both.

And any kind of negative, harmful or destructive habits or quirks I take into account before even getting with someone as blindly jumping into relationships isn't really my thing.

As much as I look into relationships with the heart I also take a logical approach to it as well when it comes to that kind of thing I look at like investments on the stock market. I weigh pros and cons against one another and I analyze the person, how well we connect, do we argue a lot, chemstry, etc.

I also won't be with someone who's core values, beliefs, morals, etc are the exact opposite of mine that will create unnecessary strife in a relationship.

And if we're being honest here a lot of relationship problems could be easily solved if the couples in question just had healthy and proper communication and were honest and truthful with each other. And sat down and talked about their issues, misunderstandings, whatever the case would be.

[Cobygonzalez0603]

That is the reason why in my first dates i like to be clear and as soon as there is a connection i say everything i have to offer. The good and the bad. I also ask of the other person to be honest like me. If they can't i just try a few more times whenever the conversations flows without putting too much pressure. If by the 5th date they dont open up to me then that is a sign that that person might not be the one im looking for or is hiding stuff. When i speak i like to talk with facts and have proof. I dont talk stuff i dont know about or i dont have proof to back it up.
To me communication and honesty play a big role in any relationship and without it it will just not work

[natured]

Communication is the major role in society in general, especially in relationships.
But see, not everyone has the capacity to open up so easily, how would you provide proof? You want to create a shield right from the very beginning, but you know, YOU WILL NEVER COMPLETELY KNOW A PERSON... I have an amazing relationship for 7 years now.
NON OF US IS PERFECT, he has flaws, I do too... but we learned how to cope with each others flaws and we encourage each other to improve.
What counts is that these flaws are not OVER THE TOP for your taste, because maybe my flaws are something not acceptable for you while they are okay for my partner and so on.
We all have different views here, it all depends how we choose to cope with them.
BUT I DO AGREE with playing with open cards from the very beginning it's completely right I do the same.

[Cobygonzalez0603]

The worse that could happen is the person saying no thanks and walk away but this way nobody lost time or made the other person get into a commitment or something that would end up getting worse

[natured]

Absolutely, but overall, I think having some little quirks are normal we all do. As long as they don't do drugs and commit crimes and are not agressive, I can deal with the rest.

[Cobygonzalez0603]

I completely agree with you. But i found this page because i was actually searching all night why is my fiance aggressive with me. 🤣 she bites me to the point i get brussed up so i was curious if other people had the same problem. Lol i actually found that researchers found that people who truly love the other person sometimes bite and show aggression as a way of love because they have so much held up inside of them that they can't actually express their feelings. Reading those articles actually made me realize how much she actually cares about me and made me question my career choice because when i started my career i was married but the love wasn't there. I gave everything i had to the relationship but deep down i felt empty inside because of my previous relationship.
Then 2 years ago i had a car accident and couldn't move my right leg and had to learn to walk again it took a year and a half for me to get back to work and study. With all that being said my relationship with my wife ended after 6 years. One day out of no where 2 months ago this girl and i just clicked and we both were honest and communication, care and love just flowed. I have never felt this way before... she also worries and cares for me every single day. I do the same for her and ask her if she ate, i even drove an hour and 15mins just to get chipotle for her to eat 😅. I never have done any of that for anyone. We told eachother the good and the bad and well im here trying to figure out if i should play safe with my career and life or keep doing what i was doing. 😅😅😅 sounds crazy but one of the reasons i started the academy was to see if helping others will actually satisfy me and help me be a better person but at the range the other day my instructor asked me if i wanted to consider giving classes with him and become an instructor since i got 94% the first day and 98% the second day... to be honest she changed my life and gave it happiness and brought light to it.

[Cobygonzalez0603]

I have been involved on 4 shootings at work and 1 off work and i was the most calm person in the group. I was not afraid of dying but since she came into my life i have been thinking differently.

[Arivor]

Now, you are what I know to be an intelligent person... you are so right! Communication is key to any relationship... in love, friendship and business.

[Arivor]

Just want to make sure that everyone knows that I was thinking about @natured when I wrote that.

[Cobygonzalez0603]

@Arivor I completely agree. I also believe every person should be themselves and not hide in fear of a criticism from the rest of society.

[Arivor]

@cobygonzalez0603 I agree, when I have ever pretended to be something I'm not… I have never been liked or loved as when I am just being me.

[fr44c3iqqs]

Something online said that for females, in average takes 13 dates before falling in love with a guy. I don’t think 5 is enough. Wait until the 15th or 20th.

[TrueConfection]

When two people are spending their life together, they are growing together. Changes come with growth. I think it's fair to expect your SO to mature along with you as the years pass by and let go of some old habits. (That is not the same thing as trying to mold your SO into your ideal partner.)

What if your SO developed a repulsive habit over the years or you never noticed it before? A lot of people hide their disgusting habits until the other person has signed on the line.

What if your wife becomes so relaxed that she is passing gas beside you at the dinner table on a regular basis?
What if a husband decides he can pick his nose in front of his wife?

These examples I provided shouldn't cause an immediate divorce, but I feel it would be perfectly acceptable to ask for a change in habit to be made.

[exitseven]

You cannot change another person. That person must want to change to please their partner. This should not be considered unreasonable or unexpected. When my wife and I were dating and seriously considered having a life together, I was looking to buy a motorcycle. My wife is a physical therapist and has seen up close guys that got all busted up on bikes. I saw how sincere she was about this. She didn't want to ruin my fun but did not want to see me hurt or worse so I changed my mind about the bike.
I did however buy an off road vehicle and had lots of fun with that.

[Lisa0203]

This is true

[BeenThereLovedIt]

There's a difference between helping a partner better themselves and changing things about them you don't like.

I would want a woman who inspires me to be a better version of myself.

I don't want a woman who complains and tries to change my tastes, or especially how I act or think.

[witness1]

Talk about it.

Show respect and empathize.

Compromize!

What happened to decent human behaviour? Your SO isn't your property, it is your partner. So treat him like a partner and talk with him/her, find a solution together, and work through it.

Why does that seem so hard?

[Jake99999]

Getting into a relationship with someone thinking that you can/will change who they are, to suit your secret specifications, is just wrong and dishonest in my opinion.

Find someone who you like for who they are, flaws and all. People are not clay for you to mold into any shape you want. Love them for who they are and accept them for who they are.

[akvalleygirl]

Ugh! I've spent years trying to be "helpful" in changing my partner. This approach never worked and caused a lot of fighting. Now I'm working on changing myself and he's now mirroring me. A great book that approaches this and both made me mad and enlightened me was the book "The Empowered Wife" by Laura Doyle.

[Dchrls78104]

Good take.
1. You can't change a person just by being with the person. Make changes only for yourself and God.
2. Trying to tailor a person to your specifications is controlling, disrespectful, toxic, and unloving. Concerns about personality traits should be addressed before commitment is made, not afterwards. BEFORE YOU SIGN THE DOTTED LINE, READ THE FINE PRINT.

[Siren777]

You cannot change people. Nor can you try and control them. It is best to check compatibility before dating and asking questions that you're dying to know. Get deep, if they flee then they're not meant for you. If you're only after a good time and having fun then avoid deep questions altogether as these are pointless in hookup culture.

[es20490446e]

I change for nobody, and I only date girls I don't feel like needing to change.

Why?

Because I'm already quite invested in my self development. If I have some weak point it is because it is taking me effort, most likely because I want something better than average.

What I need is your support, not someone who remembers me about what I'm failing. I already know what would best to improve, otherwise I would simply ask myself.

[bamesjond0069]

Men can change women to an extent because men are naturally the leaders and women naturally follow. But only men who are actual leaders who have women who respect their lead will change.

Men typically will not change for anything let alone a woman and what you got is what you got.

[witness1]

Please update your world views. You are stick in the '50s. I recommend researching "emanzipation", "equality", and "freedom of choice".

[witness1]

*stuck

[bamesjond0069]

@witness1 what does women being able to vote or have legal rights have to do with male and female behaviors? Women tend to conform to social pressure and men tend to follow principles. This makes men somewhat ridged and women somewhat flexible.

[TruthBringer]

@bamesjond0069 Absolutely well said, unlike the other tool who thinks these are "outdated" worldviews. Jokes on him, women actually WANT a man who is able to lead and allows them to be feminine and submissive. Even though many of them don't want to admit it directly (out of feminist indocrination and political correctness).

[ThatNoUVAtYourEyes]

Women mostly lie about how they are to woo a moneyed up man in,
Upon discovery she isn't really who she portrayed herself as, most men change to a significantly less polished version of themselves.
If you want to change another to their best, do so with yourself (especially as a woman - men are not half as obsessed by changing the other as women are, maybe because men are generally too busy working to have the time to preach to you)

[Derek59987]

I think you can change little habits of your partner. Things like hygiene or making too much noise at night or in the morning, that stupid shirt he wears or silly blouse she wears. Driving habits, rudeness or inappropriate subjects in specific settings or groups.

Perceptions, opinions, political views and overall personality are things you can not change to suit what you want. However, you should be able to discuss these things.

[Anonymous]

He Cannot Change me. Unconditional Love. However, There were a Few things I didn't GO FOR when we First Met----He Changed That. lol!!! xxoo

[crazy8000]

Changing someone to our own liking is messed up on to many levels.
Some tries to make up exuses to justify it and their attitude to not look bad, to look good.

[dolemite89]

People get resentful when you try to change them, guys and girls. You can be upfront about what they do that bothers you but there’s fundamental things you just can’t change and will have to learn to accept.

[rcljr]

Now you know why nobody stays together, god damned women, trying to “ fix” men, if he’s not 100% the way you want him, pack your shit and GO, because if you try to change me, I’m packing, leaving and NOT looking back.

[SupremeWarlord]

I believe if you want your partner to change something you don't like, you should at least offer to change something about yourself for them, to keep things fair.

[SupremeWarlord]

And of course I agree with you when it comes to lazy and irresponsible partners, there's never an excuse to be irresponsible in a relationship, but I guess people already have the answer to that:"Just break up", well surely it would be good if it were this simple, but it's not.