Not Dating Unattractive Men...To me it's called "Being Realistic"


Not Dating Unattractive Men... to me it's called

I'd like to start off by saying that I'm not easily offended. I can't remember the last time I was. But being called shallow makes me laugh whenever it happens and usually because the people who are trying to be antagonistic or give their opinion fail to realize that for some people, the reasons for not being with someone is NOT entirely superficial.

I just want to point it out.

It's not shallow to not want/be unable to sleep with an unattractive wo/man.

Sex is important for many people in and out of relationships. It's meant to bring pleasure to the individuals indulging in the act. Since it's purely sex, there is no need to learn of a person's personality or get to know them better.

Many people who are single make the choice of who they want to sleep with and I highly doubt that they'd go fooling around with someone that doesn't rev their engine.

Some people just don't want to sleep with another person that doesn't physically excite them. Some people will give them a chance. Neither of these people are wrong in my opinion. It's their choice.

But there are people like me who CAN'T be with someone who doesn't sexually excite this. We aren't able to perform. It's like a man who sees a wo/man that he is NOT attracted to and his penis doesn't get up. Same difference.

I think most people understand this point very well and there is not much argument there. So why don't people attribute the same logic to the next point...

It's not necessarily shallow to not want/be unable to be in a relationship with an unattractive wo/man.

For some reason, the same points aforementioned doesn't seem to compute when this point is made.

Yes, there are people who base the whole relationship they have with someone on physicality and that's it. I don't feel that's right and is shallow (to me) but that is their choice. I also realize that the word "shallow" can be subjective, but it usually all comes ot the same point: superificial.

But when people like me are called shallow--people who want someone that has looks and personality--it tells me that--ironically--the individual saying that is only looking at the shallow surface of the issue and not realizing that there are underlying reasons as to why we feel the way we do.

I've already stated that I can't sexually function with an unattractive man as well as that sex is important to many people in and out of relationships. So why do I continuously get wo/men telling me to give these men a chance even when KNOWING those reasons?

-Once you get to know a wo/man better, they become more attractive.

This is one of the many arguments I get to try and give "an unattractive man a chance". The problem is I already did this...and it didn't work. He wanted sex and I was unable to give him what he wanted. His personality was amazing but I felt no sexual want of being with him.

There are some men who are okay with being in realtionships like this. But I'm not and I would want sex. So it would be a doomed relationship from the start. The majority of men--I would think--want to have sex in their relationship. Why should they suffer in one when they're not going to get it? Why am I going to put them through that?

I also don't feel that sex is obligatory in a relationship. I shouldn't lie there for the guy to be satisfied while I'm not getting any myself. It should work both ways.

I should say that even if there is a good-looking guy, if his personality is repulsive, sex isn't going to happen either. I wouldn't even be around the guy.


- There are many wo/men who are in relationships with people they aren't attracted to.

And? Just because others are doing something, I should do it? I should simply settle for what I don't want?

Yes. There are sapiosexuals who are turned on by intelligence. There are others who are turned on purely by personality. Are these people shallow because a lot of them are turned on by certain aspects of a person? I wouldn't think so. It makes sense that you want to be sexually excited to someone that you plan on being in a relationship with.

I'm turned on by men's bodies (and it's not even that simple). End point.

-You may be missing out on finding the person you were meant to be with.

So I should give every guy that comes my way a chance just because I may be passing over the person that I am meant to be with...even though there's a possibility that I'm not meant to be with anyone?

And with those guys, he and I would be suffering through a sex-less relationship which is most assuredly doomed from the start?

Sounds like this proposition isn't a good one.

-You're searching for a "Hollywood Hottie"....

I'm glad you know me so well....not. I know that I can't get men like this:

Not Dating Unattractive Men...To me it's called "Being Realistic"

They're still nice to look at it. I'm not even going after that high of a number (9-10). I'm staying within my range (which I consider to be 7-8).

So let's stop with the dumbass-umptions. :)

This is why I call it "being realistic"....

If I were to do as so many people suggest--and I've continuously pointed it out--the relationship would start failing from the beginning.

I would have to lie to the man in some form about him being attractive enough for me. I would think that the man would assume that if a woman is interested in him, she finds him physically appealing (not all men). Since relationships are built on a foundation of trust, lying to him wouldn't be a great start.

He'll eventually want to have sex...which I can't give him. No fellatio, cunnilingus, handjob--not even kissing. How many men would like to be in such a relationship? Unless if they're asexual or eunachs, I would think most wouldn't want to be. I would also think that most would be hurt that their girlfriend didn't find them attractive and wish they would have told him in the beginning so he didn't have to waste his time.

This is why I feel it's better to not date unattractive men--it would be a waste of both of our times and the man should be with someone who can sexually perform honestly whether or not they're truly physically attracted to him. It's not because he's SO repulsive that it sickens me (I'm not exceptionally beauitful myself by any Don't take this as insecurity though--I believe I'm pretty). It's because I don't want to hurt him in the long run and he doesn't deserve someone stringing him along.

You are free to disagree. That's fine. I just wanted to put this out there, because it seems that a lot of people think that unattractive wo/men should be given a chance by anyone without realizing that it may be detrimental for them.

They should be given a chance by people who don't really care about looks, someone who finds them exceptionally amazing in personality, or even someone that finds them sexy/hot/cute (remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder).

Not Dating Unattractive Men...To me it's called "Being Realistic"
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Most Helpful Guy

  • PhoenixRisingDK
    This is hilarious, and I'll tell you why.

    Your sexual appeal and market value is reaching it's peak.
    In just a few years, your desireability will start declining - first slowly... then more and more rapidly.

    Approaches get farther and farther in between, your bits are saggy or hanging, or replaced with fakes.
    And then, when you're in your mid 40's, you'll still be writing bitter blogs about how there are no men worth anything.

    95% of women sharing your views are aiming WAY out of their own leagues - they ain't all that, they just think they are.
    Because let's be honest,... humans are fucking ugly.
    But men don't need to slap on war-paint by the bucket, to conceal it, they can just hit the gym instead.

    The men you desire are as rare in between, as a woman with the brains to understand that attraction is made up of different internal and external factors... not just how you conceal your natural uglyness.
    Some guy said 20%... it's even less...5% max.

    And the majority of these sirloin steaks, will be working dead end jobs, because they were busy pumping iron and hunting cumrags, while everybody else was getting smarter and building carreers.
    None... zero percent, of the jocks from my last year at school has amounted to anything... but at least they look good huh?
    And they're still pumping iron and brainless hoes, and get dumped over and over and over... because they have no future.
    They're losers with no skills, working dead end jobs, and no women want them for more than a bang or two.

    So it seems your kind are facing quite the predicament.
    And you can choose to either wisen up, or write stupid blogs for the next 20+ years, defending your dumb-ass choices, unless you're extremely lucky to score way out your leagues.

    That, baby-doll, is being realistic!

    And this is exactly why 'geeks' like me, working $100.000 jobs, embrace the more plain and shy wallflower girls.
    They're smarter, more intelligent, more pleasant company, and generally have A LOT more to offer.
    Is this still revelant?
    • ManaX


    • Joshua2332

      Such a stupid post. Somebody is upset. I pump iron, didn't go to school and make 65k a year at 22. ZERO debt, ZERO stress, yet I don't go hunting for p*ssy as you described above. However, I don't have the need to put other people down like you are attempting to do. Me going to the gym is called a hobby. I guarantee the guys who are ripped don't do it for women. Proof read your posts from now on.

    • Well, congratulations on catching a break.
      I can guarantee you, a lot of my schoolmates envy you.
      Sorry if my life story is offensive to you, I can't do anythnig about that.
      Nevertheless, that's how it went down.

      Point is, attraction is more than just looking good.
      Thousands of guys hit the gym every day, and never become more attractive because of it.
      Sure, they may get ribbed, but there are more factors to attraction than dressing up, working out, and doing make-up.
      And if people can't comprehend beyond that, they ARE shallow.

      There's quite a substantial number of really great guys and gals out there, who are ordinary, or beyond average at best, never getting the fraction of attention they deserve, because of superficial bullshit like this.

      They're more than just biceps, six-packs, and tits and ass.
      Aren't you?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Ozanne
    Just for the record, the guy chosen for the picture in the myTake is sooooo unattractive to me. For real. I can't stand that look. I find nothing appealing about it at all.

    With that said - beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So if *I* find a trait attractive, it doesn't mean someone else will. All too often in my life, I will see one physical trait on a guy I just absolutely love and will run with it, while my female friends will say, "Eww.. you like him?" They don't see what I do. So to me, that particular guy at that time IS my 9-10. No one else's, but who cares? No one is going to influence my opinion of what a 10 is.

    So when I was younger, at a bar getting hit on by what other girls seemingly thought were 10s and I found them to be pretty-boy douchebags, does that mean I'm the shallow one? I don't find him attractive, therefore not interested.

    Shallowness is always mistaken for preferring a type, and when the popular, spoon-fed type is Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie (or whoever it is these days) then I'm sorry but people like me find Brad Pitt to be too doll-faced to find attractive and since he's not my type, I don't get called shallow. But if a woman finds Brad Pitt attractive and not other types, then she's called shallow.

    So you are right - this is a good myTake and people need to learn that types are personal and we will find who we find attractive based on what makes us tick, individually. If it's not the quintessential good-looks that we're spoon-fed, then we should only be so lucky to not be labeled as shallow.

    For years I was attracted to Penn Jillette. Unless a guy was huge, had little round glasses, and a big mouth - I didn't find anyone else attractive. Was that shallow? No. If you have a type, the people who bark the loudest are usually the people who don't fit in to the type you like. :)
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • RestlessYouth_
    God I really hate most of the men on this site. A woman says she wants to date a man she's actually sexually attracted to and all of a sudden she's a shallow whore who will never find love. There's honestly no need for this take because they wouldn't "get it" if it hit them with a brick. Keep doing you honey, date who you want and no need to feel bad or explain anything.
    • LOL. I haven't been on GaG long, but is this how the majority of them tend to be? I thought I could help and explain, but it's not going over so well. :)

    • Girl yes! It's what's stopped me from coming here often. They can't seem learn the difference between someone you're attracted to, and only wanting to date Models with Bill Gates money. The lack of complex thought in their minds is a serious problem. I used to want to do the same but talking to a lot of them is worse than talking to a brick wall.

    • For fucking real. These guys are ridiculous

  • Riggers
    Its the same for both Genders. People dont like unnatractive people, Thats just how we function mentally as humans, It dosent make people assholes or shallow, It just makes us Human.

    For attracive people, This is good, For people like me, It means you are etternally fucked.

    Thats just how the world work's im afraid !.
    • Ooh. It's not "don't like". I can befriend them. But I can't have sex with them. And you're not fucked. You're attractive. It's weird to say because you're 16 though.

  • loveisbeautiful
    If God did in fact create all people, he really did break the mold when he made me lol. See, I'm different then you and most people when it comes to looks. For instance the picture of that guy you have in this take, does nothing for me. I'm not attracted to him in the slightest. In the words of Shania Twain "That don't impress me much". I'm a person very in tuned to my emotions, so me it has to be a vibe thing, not a looks thing. I've just never really cared much about that or most of things people care about in relationships. Also, my idea of attractive is probably different then most. That's okay though.

    I won't say I agree with this completely, but I do get the point and I do agree everybody is different and should respect that. However, I would also like to point out that looks, sex and great personality isn't how love is formed or relationships. I don't think people get that sometimes an interest in someone just happens and there's no reason for it. It just is, because relationships aren't formed on logical thinking they're formed on feelings and a connection.
    • Lol. I know there's more to relationships than that and everyone is looking for something different, but I wouldn't ever try to shame you for it. :)

    • I agree that everyone is looking for something different and I wouldn't try shame anyone either.

  • Prof_Don
    I agree with you... I feel that primal urge to want to sexually defile your partner, is pivotal for the relationship lasting long term.

    The person doesn't have to be a 9 or 10... but the person has to be attractive ENOUGH to that person, to have that urge to power fuck that person. :)
    • YES.

    • Prof_Don

      Can you believe that someone voted DOWN my opinion? That person must have never power fucked someone before! :-P

    • Lmao!!!

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  • xxxHolicxxx
    Also, you decide what you find attractive. Whoever is attractive to you, might not be attractive to another person. People can't decide who you should 'give a chance', it's totally personal. Which therefore also means you're not shallow. You don't necessarily want someone who is deemed hot by everybody, you have to be attracted to him (as a person) and only you decide who that person is.
    • Exactly. It's common sense. So why do a lot of people not get that?

    • Because people like to bitch about stuff so they can feel superior. Also, because they are quite simple minded. They think because you say the sun is round, every round thing is the sun. And clearly they judge their partners by certain criteria if they think that you are doing it. You can't help who you are attracted to.

  • Song4TheBroken
    No offence but what makes you think you're an 8/10? By the way, your take was shit and sex isn't an important factor in a relationship unless YOU want it to be.
    • What you think I look like doesn't matter. I feel like I'm an 8/10. You have no common sense though. :)

    • @RationalLioness Although beauty is obviously 100% subjective, there's something I want to say to you. Someone who is 10/10 would be perfect right? Since nobody is perfect then nobody can be a 10/10. So even some of the most beautiful women in the world are no higher than a 9. With that said, do you honestly think you're only 1 point below someone like Megan Fox in terms of beauty? I mean you aren't exactly ugly or anything but trust me darling, you ain't all that. So maybe lower your standards because they're probably a bit unrealistic. There's nothing that annoys me more than shallow people who set their standards waaaay too high.

    • Seeing as what YOU'VE said is completely subjective, what you say doesn't mean anything... lol. No one's saying that "I'm all that". I don't care what you or other people think (especially since a lot of you are hiding behind avis and yet trying to talk "big"). Just because you say something or think it, doesn't mean it's true.

      They're not unrealistic. They're fine where they are. You need to gain some common sense though. :)

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  • mistninja314
    Great take and I agree with you completely you're not SHALLOW at all IMHO ^_^... You have my respect since you kept it real unlike most people on this site when it comes to this subject,
    • Like I always say "If you don't have any EYE CANDY why would I be interested in your store?" yeah I'm an EYES MAN I must admit. So if you can't turn me on visually... why would I want to date you?

      People have called me SHALLOW a lot for just having standards for what I expect in a woman. I mean shouldn't we all? (Nice body or cute face atleast)

    • yeah I must admit that I'm an EYES MAN. So if you can't turn me on visually... why would I even want to date you?*

  • king_dong
    Don't be offended but I would give you 2-3. I really don't tell you this to make you angry but to warn you. As guys we date and sleep with girls who are not attractive, because we think it is free and better than masturbation. This means if you are able to sleep with attractive guys don't think that they desire you. They simply try to ejaculate.
    • I'm not offended. That's what you think. I've been in relationships with guys that I found attractive and vice versa.

      Not every guy is a sleaze like that though. :)

  • Yc2K15
    I think it's crazy that anyone is dating someone because "it's ok to". Your points are great but it's hard to tell what direction you are heading. Perhaps you haven't found a true love? You never know what they are gonna look like, it doesn't matter if it's right.
    • I thought it was obvious? Never settle for something you don't want.. lol

    • Yc2K15

      Yeah but shit. Why wouldn't you? Doesn't everyone do that? What is wrong with people?

  • peachblossomluck
    You kept it completely real lmao! I appreciate the honesty big time:) No one has the right to put anyone down for having standards. Some people call it good and bad chemistry but why settle for less than you want in life? You're right. It's not fair to anyone to be with someone and not be able to give them your best. Or be genuine.
    • Exactly! :D

    • Whomever tries to chastise you is living in Never Never Land and needs to be reasonable.

    • I completely agree... haha. I know that not everyone will find me attractive and that is fine. It won't hurt me.

      All I'm trying to do is tell people why some people can't sleep with unattractive wo/men. Irrational idiots don't seem to understand that so... :D

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  • WizardSnake
    Funny that you put yourself in the 7-8 range when you're actually in the 3-4 range by judging from your profile pic.

    Get your feet back on the ground and get over yourself.
    • Where did I say my view is absolute?

      Here you are judging people, and posting shit like:
      " Your immaturity is showing. "
      "And your opinion doesn't matter"
      "Many guys only focus on the looks "
      "Nothing I said was subjective "
      "Okay. I've branded you as an idiot. "

      You realise your logic when it comes to bashing people who are not agreeing with you is retarded, right?

      Who are you to call out other people's maturity level when you display this kind of behaviour?

    • "I bash irrational losers like yourself"
      "Do you literally have zero brain cells?"
      "It's not a surprise that you seem to be too dumb to get it"

      As Socrates said: "
      “When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser.”

      I find it amusing that you call yourself "rational" yet your debating technique is at the best highly questionable. You don't win arguments by insulting people who disagree with you.

    • It's not about "winning arguments". It's about imbuing people with common sense... which you clearly seem to lack.

      But that's fine. A lot of people do.

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  • Diego9O
    Yes is in been realistic. No one ends up dating someone they find unattractive. My girlfriend is with me because she finds me extremely attractive otherwise she wouldn't date me, and I am with her because I find her extremely attractive also. Attractiveness is not only physical it can be emotional and intellectual therefore anyone who just guide their self by appearance and don´t see other things attractive beside that is: SHALLOW.
    • PRECISELY my point. Thank you for being a Rational Man compared to the others on here... haha. :)

    • Diego9O

      And you are like a 4.

    • That's your opinion and that's fine. It doesn't bother me at all. I don't see myself as that. :)

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  • bhale2012
    Since when Is it wrong to have a "type"? Are we not allowed to be attracted to who we are attracted to? For whatever reason there may be, you are allowed to not find someone attractive. I'm so of people being all pissy just b/c someone doesn't want you back. Rejection is part of dating and life in general. Get over it!
  • vishna
    Honesty, I think your sex drive is highly interwoven with your sight and that's something you have no control over.

    As someone whose dated guys of all looks, and for a long time had had the best sex and emotional connection with the least attractive-I can vouch that you can become whipped to someone you once looked over.

    But no hate. We all just want to be happy.
  • kxera
    For me personally, personality contributes to attraction. I've been attracted to guys who weren't at all "good looking". There have severa instances where I had no attraction to a guy at all, but once we got to know each other, I instantly found him attractive.
    • And that's great for you. Unfortunately there are some people like me who are not like that. There's nothing we can do.

      The guy can have the most perfect personality in the world... and yet I couldn't bring myself to sleep with him in a relationship.

      Nothing can really be done. I'm glad that it's like that for you and many people though. :)

    • @RationalLioness Yes and it's because you're shallow. The funny thing is that you yourself aren't attractive enough to get the 'hot' guys that you desire.

    • @Song4TheBroken

      Irrationality runs well within in you. You clearly can't read because I never said that I was able to get the guy that I posted. But you're dumb enough to assume that's what I said. :)

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  • DaniJ
    I see your point, and I can relate to most of this article, but there is one major flaw in your reasoning. You assume that we are looking for romance. In that case, it is unlikely that you would find it in someone physically unattractive. Nothing could be less true in my case however. I was not looking for romance. In fact, I'd just given up looking. I found him incredibly unattractive when I first met him. He is already 7 years older than me, and since he started balding at 16, he looks twice my age. He has thick, coke bottle glasses, barely any hair left on his head, facial hair (which is usually a turn off for me) and he's pretty scrawny. Nothing about him was attractive. Instead what I noticed was that we could practically read each others minds, we are so alike. Everything from the way we feel about certain issues in the world to song lyrics and TV shows. We would come up with the same ridiculous puns at the same time.
    You mentioned being told that people seem more attractive over time, and that has certainly been true in my case. The traits that used to be turn offs are now endearing things about him.
    I'm certainly not saying you should go date ugly guys. I'm just saying that if you keep an open mind and don't go looking for the romance, it may end up finding you. Attractive or not.
  • Janett21
    I think looks matters to everyone to some point.
    but it doesn't mean that it is the most important thing.
    I think looks are important only for the 1st impression because if you really love someone you find him beautiful the way he is
    • Agreed. I never said that it was the most important. Personality and Looks should be in tandem.

    • @Janett21 she never said looks are the most important. She thinks they are just as important as personality.

    • Janett21

      @Take owner @ManuelMarquez
      I didn't say she said it I just wanted to say it

  • Watermelonoma
    The problem i have with this is that you haven't left much room for having a person grow on you at all. Sure, I tend to not pursue girls im not attracted to, but I don't get into relationships with these attractive girls either if her physical appearance is the main pull factor. When you disagree with statements like "Once you get to know a wo/man better, they become more attractive." it makes me wonder what you rank higher in your significant other. Most people only hae a set window of time in their lives when they are at their peak in terms of attractiveness, and that's it. Even during those peaks, a person can have many unattractive moments. God forbid, your marriage partner got into some automobile accident and became somewhat disfigured. By what you said, you would probably leave the person because their personality would have never grown on you.

    @nalaa had some interesting insights on what being shallow/superficial means, but i think id take it one step further. I think its shallow to demand things from other people that you yourself do not possess or would not do.

    The thing is... if im being honest... i don't really want to end up with a girl who thinks like this. if my personality, the very core of my being can't grow on a girl, i don't want to end up with her, because that kind of girl is a liability to me, not an asset. It's great that she found me physically appealing in the beginning.. and thats what I'd expect, but the emphasis on having the object of your sexual desire gets old. I don't want a girl who can't allow my personality to make me into a more attractive being in their eyes. The gems of the world... the true 10/10's are not women who value the flesh above the spirit... but the ones who value the spirit of the man above the flesh.

    Women like the one in this video what i look for ultimately:
    ^ The only kind of women who i consider out of my league are women like this
    • You didn't read. I just stated that I was with a guy, allowed his personality to grow, and nothing happened. It's not going to change.

      Everything else you said is subjective. Whether or not you think that someone is asking higher than they are... doesn't mean they are.

    • i did read. I know you've been with a guy and allowed his personality to grow and it didn't work for you. The fact that it doesn't work for you (along with much of the stuff you stated in the take) is also subjective. But my subjective opinion, in response to your subjective opinion, is that people who can't allow a persons personality to become more important than the way they look aren't marriage material to me... because they become more of a liability in my life and not an asset. That's just my two cents on the matter. Not saying the take was shit or anything like that, but I have some fundamental disagreements with your ranking orders in terms of what makes someone worth pursuing romantically

    • That isn't subjective. It's objective. If it was subjective, it could have been easily changed. It can't.

      But that's fine. I don't have a ranking order by the way... looks ans personality like many people want.

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  • Hephaestus
    Peeps can want who they want and who they feel they deserve.
    People whom act as if physical aspects don't matter... don't understand the basics of attraction.
    but beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that can mean everyone is beautiful to someone.

    It's not unreasonable at all to want to be with someone who ya physically find desirable... its logical and simple
    • Hephaestus

      Take owner.
      you and I have had out run ins in the past... clear to say we don't exactly see eye to eye on many things.

      But some of the chaps commenting are being fucking stupid as shit.
      Hope ya don't take their bitter remarks as anything more than that.
      ya made a good and valid point.

    • Hephaestus

      fuck sake

    • No worries. I'm not pissed... lol. They have their opinions and that's fine. There isn't a need to be rude though.

      If I instigated it, I completely understand. But I haven't really unless if they're truly offended by this Take.

  • swimmersam
    I tried to date a guy I wasn't very physically attracted to, and it just went up in smoke. It didn't work at all. I though like you said, that maybe the attraction would grow. but it never did...
    I think what people find attractive varies. like I have a friend, and I feel like who she finds attractive, I don't whatsoever. and who I find attractive she doesn't really find attractive.
    • Exactly. For some people it works, for others it doesn't.

  • BOYK1023
    You have such high expectations for someone that's below average.
    • Lol. You're not one to talk. And no where did I say I have high expectations. But you can fail again. :)

    • BOYK1023

      I'm not the one with these stupid posts. Plus "Not Dating Unattractive Men... To me it's called "Being Realistic" proves that I'm right and you are a self-centered below average shallow individual. Good luck finding a guy like the one in the picture to like you. Seriously I mean it you will be needing plenty of luck.

    • BOYK1023

      The fact that you rely on profanity in result of my honest opinion proves to me that you know what I'm saying is true. I know beautiful 9s & 10s and not once have they spoken upon this sort lf subject like the way you do and you can barely pass for a 5. ... This ongoing useless argument has officially bored me. Bye and take care princess :) Just one final suggestion: Re-evaluate your way of thinking.

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  • gray_sailor
    I found your myTake to be mostly non-controversial. Mostly that is except for the title of the myTake. That title sort of burned the house down here on GaG for about the last week.

    I've been thinking about it for a while and I think I came up with at least a partial explaination for people's reaction to the title and by extension, the whole myTake.

    I don't ever use the adjective 'attractive' to describe personalities. That is a word I only associate with physical features. The word I use to describe a personality as being desirable is 'charming'.

    She has an attractive body.
    She has a charming personality.

    I suspect that something similar is happening to a lot of people that reacted badly to your take. If, as with me, you only use the word attractive to refer to physical things like bodies, then your title comes off as biased against plain looking people. I recognize that attractiveness can cover a wide variety of features. It's just that the common usage of the term (at least among men) isn't used to refer to personalities. Hope that helps explain things a bit.
  • Rawrzz
    Being sexually attracted to a person is kinda a necessity, yeah. Women are usually less inclined this way than men, given they usually look at the whole picture of the males' value: attractiveness, wealth, social status, experience, intelligence, personality, fit status, health. We hear about women going for really ugly or old guys because they have so much status or wealth or resources that they don't have to be attractive--his offspring will be guaranteed a much higher likelihood of survival and reproduction with all those resources, not to mention how the female would be protected and more than provided for.

    Whereas men mostly look at attractiveness and personality--with a big emphasis on attractiveness and likelihood of sex. Not to make males out to be superficial, but really, biologically, that's the directive, "Fuck them all. No. No, really. Fuck them all." Hell, I think my dick is getting hard right now.

    Though, I dislike the assertions that males are superficial. Pretty much everyone is at the end of the day--it takes effort and willpower and intelligence to become something other than base instincts. And even then, those instincts will still exist.

    I didn't read the whole thing, but I think I got the point. People always spout this bullshit, "It's the inside that *REALLY* matters." Ahh, well, no. Maybe I'll say, "Okay, go date one of the ugliest people that exist, then."

    Outside is what attracts, first. Then personality plays a role in whether or not one wants to stay with that person. Then, further, common interests or goals or beliefs will keep those two together longer, after the oxytocin and dopamine has been all used up on that initial stage puppy love.

    People who say they look at personality more than looks are often just deluding themselves or lying to make themselves look good. Especially males. Of course, looking at personality for someone you want to *be* with for a long time, yeah, that makes sense. But still eying other candy.
  • menina
    I absolutely agree with you. People DO care about looks. I believe that the ones who say that they DON'T are lying. Humans choose their partners based on looks. Of course that personality also counts, but looks are important.

    You couldn't have said it better.
    • @menina I love it when females admit they care about looks, instead of bullshitting and saying they don't care about looks. Every non blind person cares about looks to an extent.

    • menina

      Yes, exactly, we're attracted for what we see, it's natural.
      I hate when people say they don't care about looks. @ManuelMarquez

    • @menina exactly.

  • JustinTheGreat
    I've always hated when people say "Looks don't matter to me" because it's not true. It matters to everyone. If someone who was 400 lbs with pimples all over their face came up to you and asked you out, what would you say? No. Exactly. Looks is what attracts you to someone, you aren't going to approach someone you find unattractive. Personality is what makes you stay with that person. Personality is probably more important but that doesn't mean looks don't matter at all
    • No. It doesn't matter to some people. There are some women who will date you even though they think that you're not attractive at all or there is SOMETHING about you that is. And there are chubby chasers and women who find themselves just like the guy you described.

      I think most people are as you described though.

    • @RationalLioness he is not talking about the people that do like overweight people in his example, he is talking about people that are not attracted to those people physical features. He is right though everyone cares about looks to an extent. Just because someone is willing to go out with a person they think at first is average looking it doesn't mean they don't care about looks, to not care about looks at all, means you are even willing to date someone that YOU think is super super below average looking, I can set so many examples. If you won't go out with a guy that is not shaved, you care about looks, etc. Every single non blind person can think of someone of the sex they are attracted to, that they won't date due to physical features. I can keep setting examples.

  • becca123
    People get so butthurt over the one or two people who aren't attracted to them that they miss all the ones who might be.

    Like who you want to like, and know that not everyone has to like you physically. It's called life.
  • Noxifer626
    Physical appearance is only important in one-night stands, not an actual relationship.
    If physical appearance is too important in a relationship, it was not meant to be.
    You are shallow, because judging people on their appearance is ignoring what they may be beyond that. Not to mention "beauty" is a highly malleable concept that has been used to hurt and shame people.
    • Nuri007

      "Physical appearance is only important in one-night stands, not an actual relationship."

      Sorry but that's not true at all. If I was to one day consider a long term relationship/marriage with someone not only would chemistry take a huge role but physical attraction too.

    • I agree @Nuri007.

      I wonder who keeps deleting my posts to people. Someone is flagging them definitely.

    • I completely disagree. Guys are willing to dramatically lower their standards for a one night stand, more than they would in a relationship. These guys lower their standards so often it causes many average women to start thinking she is above average and shouldn't have to settle for a guy that is also average looking.

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  • Abe90
    Lol I can agree to this article. I find it funny that I look to date "attractive" or "hot" women and I get told that I should lower my standards because I'll always be single. I think most people know what they like and should wait for them to come along. I would not get into a relationship with someone who can't make me become "turned on". I'd be wasting my time and the woman's time.
    • When I say "attractive" I don't necessarily mean "hot". I mean "cute" guys and some women will prefer a guy who is even "okay".

      But I agree with everything else. :D

    • Abe90

      Well just in general, I mean that we find someone that turns us on whether they're hot, cute, or okay. But yeah

    • ''Okay'' is average looking. Cute is attractive but not super attractive. Hot is super attractive.

  • TedStar
    As long as you attract whoever you're attracted to then carry on living. The reasons behind who you are attracted to may be shallow or deeper. In your case it is both shallow in that you sound like you're more likely to longterm date a guy who has better looks> personality. That is shallow because I believe that choosing a longterm partner is about the time you spend not fucking which is 90+ % of the time you spend together. Might as well have friends and fuckbuddies lol. Now the depth of your situation is that for some reason you can't add personality to a persons attractiveness so therefore it is important that they be physically attractive to you. I may have missed your point (tell me if I have

    If you pick something based on one or minimal characteristics it is shallow in my opinion @nalaa described it well. I don't understand how people get offended by being called shallow. Generally speaking choosing a relationship partner based on look s is shallow as there generally is a lot more to being a boyfriend/husband/wife/girlfriend than how you look. Now for picking a fuckbuddy choosing based on looks is not necessarily shallow as their appearance is why they got chose and their only criteria more often than not

    Interesting take though. I'm still thinking about it
    • I want her to reply to your opinion.

    • You are 100% correct mate. This entire take was just her trying to justify being shallow.

  • Falling4UTC
    Lol it is funny how a lot of guys are easily offended by this. It is just you saying your opinion, and they can't say anything to change it. Whoever you are attracted to is who you are attracted to. And that is by all means okay.
    I liked a guy that I thought was much more attractive than me and I couldnt stop liking him. I then discovrred he wasn't a good person so I dropped that crush. Sure, physical attractivness plays a major role for anybody. I just wish some people would have personality as a factor.
    But honesly, everyone has their own preferences and people have to respect that. I love your take. Having your own preferences isn't shallow at all, and I wish people wouldn't find that so offensive.
    • I as well. I don't understand why a lot of them think that "rating" me is going to make me change what I feel or think about myself.

      I don't care... haha. I like who I like. :)

    • Rincewind

      "Lol it is funny how a lot of guys are easily offended by this."
      The problem is, men who only go for women who are skinny and have massive tits are labelled as being shallow and expecting too much. Girls are equally as offended by men having a particular preference.

      The thing is, you are initially interested in a person by the way they look so yes, "Having your own preferences isn't shallow at all, and I wish people wouldn't find that so offensive"

      People need to be less sensitive.

    • No. a lot of men are usually called shallow because that's ALL they seem to talk about when the speak of women.

      A lot of women will say looks and then talk about his personality or simply personality. That's the issue. It's not a double standard here.

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  • damionrain100
    I agree with almost everything accept this "You may be missing out on finding the person you were meant to be with" There is no such things as someone being meant to be with you. That is a fallacy that men like me in Hollywood have created for you women. These romance stories give women unrealistic expectations of relationships.
    • Disagree. There are people who are in love and meant to be together. It's not an obligation or a duty or some premonition. But it's the love of your life that you're going to spend the rest of your life with. It's not for everyone, but it is for some people.

    • "and meant to be together"
      It sounds like you have let romance novels give you unrealistic expectations. I already posted a question about that and most people agreed with you. I mean the vast majority of people agreed with me.

    • It is unrealistic because people are not meant to be together. That ideology borderlines off of the fallacy that your life has predetermined paths

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  • lek546
    You have a point it isn't shallow everyone has there own needs for a relationship some only need looks others want more
  • AlwaysBelieving
    Good take. Say if I met a gal online and we got along well and were able to converse. I met her IRL and I wasn't attracted to her physically, there's just something in me that wouldn't allow it to go any further. If that's me being shallow, so me it.

    For that reason, I've mainly left online dating. Because the one I do get along with intellectually, I wasn't physically attracted to. This isn't to say I'm going to place physically attrativeness as the sole deciding factor. I guess that may be some people thinking that I "want it all." That may be, I've just learned (rather the hard way) that if you settle for what you want, you usually get less than what you settled for.

    I also understand that I'm not going to be desireable to every gal. Just the same as no gal can or will be attractive to every guy. Take supermodels for an example (this is JUST an example), do a lot of guys think they're hot? Sure they do. Do some say "they need to eat a sammich"? of absolutelly. Take into the fact that these models are to sell a certain "look" / feeling / desire and then you get into it even more.

    It's not being PC to other people, it's just more understanding and tolerance. And not just on the surface (being PC), but at the c0re as well.

    Sorry for the jumping around, my mind just tends to do that.
  • Iwjwamo
    Your honesty is refreshing
    Very true

    Superficial and shallow is wanting a guy who everyone finds hot
    But it's not superficial to want someone who YOU find attractive. That's just life
  • Rashad
    I didn't read the whole article, but from the title I pretty much have an idea of what you are getting at, and you totally have it wrong!
    Is it hard not to judge a person based on his looks, and try to get to know as a person. I'm in sales and I get to meet all types of individuals, and to be honest the only way to tell a person a part is by the way they dress. Attractive or not, makes no difference in their personality.
    • You can't even accurately tell a person by how they dress either... lol

      I wish you would have stuck it through. I never said that personality wasn't essential. For people who only want looks, it's not. I'm not advocating that.

      But a guy with a horrendous personality but is gorgeous is the same as a guy with a great one who doesn't make me wet--I'm not attracted to either.

    • @Rashad quit being lazy and read the whole article.

    • AshleyMD

      I think you're getting confused between a friend and a partner, with a friend looks mean nothing, but with a partner personality AND looks are incredibly important to the pairs success.

  • Bards
    It's perfectly fine to take interest in someone because of their looks. No need for all this butthurt. I can't date someone I'm not sexually attracted to and can't date someone whose personality I dont like.
    • I'm the same way. If they're lacking looks/personality, then I'm not interested.

  • Octavion
    People, guys and girls, tend to try to date someone that is considered above themselves socially or physically unless times are tough. We're ambitious creatures. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that either.
    • No, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But it's more unrealistic.

  • kheserthorpe
    Wanting to find the person you're dating sexually attractive is normal, and you're not doing anyone a favor dating people you're not attracted to.

    As long as people you find attractive want to date (not just hook up in the case of women) you, your standards are not an issue.

    If nobody you find attractive wants to date you, you need to get more attractive.

    I will say there is a bit of an unrealistic virgin move to only be attracted to like 0.25% of the population. In those cases I do suspect they'd find a decently attractive person in real life, if they actually sleep with them, is more fun then jerking off to a 10 on a screen. But that aside, you gotta find them desirable.
  • lolalovesvedette
    For sure, some people definitely grow on you!
    Nothing like great conversational foreplay.

    I'd rather marry a guy who is a 6/10 (with an awesome personality.. talent etc) than one who's 10/10. Mainly because I'd rather have someone get better looking the more they grow on me, than someone go down a notch.
    Looks don't explain chemistry.. when someone touches you and it just feel RIGHT.
  • meringue9800
    Totally agree! I was with someone purely for intelligence, good heart and personality but had little to no sexual attraction. I put the blame on myself for not feeling turned on. Took me years to realise that if I don't get turned on then I DON'T! And I couldn't handle a sexless relationship any longer! I was miserable. It's not shallow. This is science.
  • TripleAce
    I think your aiming low because your afraid of rejection, when people aim low they achieve even lower. You always have to aim high

    'A man's reach should exceed his grasp'
    • Hahahaha. Difference in perspective, friend. I understand what you're saying and it works for some, but I think I'll work within my range. I hope you get a beautiful woman that's everything you want her to be. :)

    • TripleAce

      Yea but that's the thing, don't limit yourself to a range lol, if you do that you may never approach a guy you actually like because he's out of your 'range'

      I think you should approach anyone you like, whether he's super hot or not and let destiny takes it's path. You'd be suprised, one day you could meet the hottest guy ever with an amazing personality that's been waiting for a girl like you or the other way around.. Seen it happen all the time

  • coolchick4
    I would have agreed with you a long time ago, but I've been on dates with many attractive guys and wound up getting hurt. Then I met a guy who I wasn't physically attracted to and we hit it off. We're still dating, he's sweeter and nicer than those other guys I dated. I learned something for me.
    • Question: Is there something about that guy that you're attracted to? Because if so, I think that you're attracted to him somewhat. I'm not saying that women should go after the hottest guys.

    • coolchick4

      I love his personality and his intelligence.

  • I_am_repulsive
    I agree agree people like myself should do the world a favour and simply forget about having any relationship, getting married or even having kids. I do not want to pass my ugly genes to any of them because I don't want them to feel or experience what I have felt like my whole life; being rejected by everyone in the world. Ugly people should just give up, seriously.
    • Huh? Looks and appearance are last on the list of important things for anyone who is even remotely intelligent. Attraction and chemistry are important, yes. But attraction is based on more than society's definition of 'sexy' or 'good looking'. Making the world a better place is what matters, not making oneself better looking.

    • @I_am_repulsive No one said that.


      Let's use common sense. What you've said was from a biased judgmental perspective which is fine.. but don't try to make it out as fact. Looks are important to a great many people especially if sex is important to them in a relationship.

      Not all people define their attraction based off of what their culture deems to be attractive.

    • @MargaritaPeach I seriously didn't read the article, simply the title and it's only what I am trying to imply not anyone else.

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  • FierceBrosnan
    So this whole article is about a person having preferences in what they find attractive? Shocking news! People can have preferences! JESUS CHRIST HOW HORRIFYING!
    • News Flash: Someone Misses The Point... Again!!! hahaha

      The whole point of this Take was the fact that people call everyone who doesn't want to be with what that individual considers "unattractive" shallow when there are legit reasons why someone CAN'T be with someone like that.

      For example, what man is going to stay in a relationship for long with no sex? How many men would like to be lied to and told they're not attractive for the woman to sleep with them? How is this "shallow" if someone can't sexually perform with an unattractive person and doesn't want to lie to them?

  • lovingme87
    I completely understand your opinion. Even though I work a little different when picking a mate we are all entitled to our own way. You can't deal with a man if not sexually aroused. Your not shallow because you also want him to have character. A shallow person doesn't. Character is what's on the inside shallow people just want the outside. I get it!
  • aamy811
    To all the gust who say women only date supermodels he explains it all right here. We're fine with regular guys
    • Exactly.

    • I doubt that. All women care about is looks.

    • No, it's not. I just explained it's not so for plenty of women.

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  • most girls try to deny it... guys are called shallow for the same reason but it´s merely a biological funciton: To look for a partner that seems to be able to be a worthy specimen to mix with our genes in order to procreate in a effective fashion.
    • No. Guys aren't called that for the same reason. Many guys only focus on the looks of the woman and not the personality when this topic comes up.

      Many women say looks, looks/personality, or simply personality.

    • ok so when you say it, it´s "realistic" but if a guy says it, it´s shallow? well that sounds fair... not!

    • do you really think guys don´t care for personality ?

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  • heavensgift2girls
    It is only realistic when you actually can draw the types of people you are attracted to. The fact is that unattractive people often have to settle for unattractive partners or they remain alone.

    I have no problem with people only dating who they are attracted to, but when they keep getting angry and ranting they can't find anyone because their standards are too high they need to accept people will tell them to lower their standards. It is typically during these rants by people that think they are hotter than they are, that they get told to settle for a less attractive partner.
    • Of course. But the problem that I'm speaking about is people who consider it "shallow" for those of us who don't date unattractive guys without realizing that there are very serious issues with what they're saying.

      What guy would like to get into a relationship with ZERO sex? Or she finds him unattractive? Or she's sleeping with him out of pity which is why she looks like she doesn't enjoy herself or that she lies to him about him being hot for his self-esteem? All issues.

    • I personally believe any truly attractive trait is now called shallow. If I want an honest answer about what someone finds attractive, I specifically have to ask someone for the traits they find attractive that would be considered shallow. Then they will finally tell you what they want in a partner. Otherwise they pretend to be deeper than they are, and end up describing the boring friend that they would never want to have sex with.

      Less attractive people don't have the same options. That is just a fact of life for a lot of people. If they want things like companionship, they have to accept they won't be attracted to their partners, and their partners won't be attracted to them. Even unattractive people, don't want to date unattractive people. So there are people that tolerate zero sex, go to prostitutes, tolerate cheating partners, or have other less than ideal arrangements.

  • Bluemax

    I for one would LOVE to see an end to the word "shallow" as it applies to whom we find attractive!

    Furthermore, giving someone the proverbial chance I feel is probably the insensitive thing to do. Refusing someone up front is generally the compassionate thing to do.

    Question though. What would you do, rationallioness, if you were (heaven forbid) in an accident which rendered you disfigured? Now your appearance is no longer in the 7 to 8 range, but we'll say the 3-4 range. What do you do now?
    • I'd go after the 3-4. I can't expect people to still be attracted to me.

    • Bluemax

      Hmm. I thought you said you can't be attracted to someone in that range. Why would that change if you found yourself physically unattractive?

      Perhaps you'd like to look at a question I posed earlier today. It pertains to confidence, which I know figures largely in the scheme of attraction. You can find it here:

    • Bluemax

      If you say, "I'd go after the 3-4," this implies it's a matter of choice, therefore you CAN date people you're not attracted to. You simply choose not to. There's a difference between being unable to do something and unwilling to do something.

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  • NJ_Casanova
    It's nice to hear a women say the same thing. I thought it was funny when women put down guys, saying their shallow for wanting a certain physical look. Especially when most on dating site's etc. ask/are concerned about "how much you make", Now what is more "shallow" concern about what they look like or how much they earn?