Boyfriend wants me to be more needy?

[Anonymous]

I'm a pretty independent person, I'm comfortable with being in touch with my boyfriend once a day on the days we don't hang out.

but recently my boyfriend complained that I wasn't staying in touch enough and he wanted me to keep in touch more times throughout the day.

i never thought being asked to be more needy would ever arise in a relationship! I think it has something to do with the fact that his mother passed away when he was younger so he needs the constant reassurance.

lately I've been texting him and emailing throughout the day but I'm worried that he'll feel like I'm being too needy now...its not a problem currently but I've never been in the situation. I do enjoy contacting him more.

have any of you guys ever been like this? what was your need for the added communication? (its not a trust factor I don't think) should I be doing anything differently?

[WaitingAtTheDoor]

I don't get it either. My feeling on communication in a relationship is that enough is when both parties are satisfied and the amount is minimized.

I suppose he is not satisfied, however I would believe that what you are doing would be.

I presume you do not live together, so maybe for now he will need more communication.

But if you do move in together, I would think you could reduce your communication back down to the original level.

I can't quantify anything here with a number, because that's not what he's after. He wants to be closer, I can tell that right away.

So when you are with him, maybe focus your communication on disclosure. Not that your keeping things from him, but maybe talk to him about personal stuff that you haven't touched on.

Hopefully disclosure will ease his mind. And it will probably cause him to talk as well.

[Manafon]

I think you're making an error by describing this issue as a disagreement over needyness. "needy" is one of those terms that's so subjective it has lost all its meaning. and needy can be rather insulting, suggesting that a person's weak or wrong for wanting something that might be perfectly normal.

i you describe simply a question of mismatched communication preferences. you're comfortable with once a day communication. he'd prefer to communicate a bit more often. so, like a healthy couple, you try to find a compromise that will satisfy both of you. you'll both have to adjust and meet somewhere in the middle...

[Lacutis]

As long as both of you are happy at the level of communication going on there isn't any harm in it. I'm sure if he is open enough with you to tell you when there is not enough communication going on for him he will be open enough to tell you when there is too much.

I'm one of those people who tends to go in spurts as far as communication goes. Some days I like more and some less, but either way the key is to communicate what you need to the other person.

The only real problem is when one person always wants more and the other always wants less. That's one that rarely resolves easily.