My boyfriend wants me to be more dependent?

[Anonymous]

We haven't really discussed this properly yet, it's just a subject that came up over text, but apparently he wants me to depend on him more and let him spoil me more. Also show more of myself or my personality more?

I don't really understand it, but I've been told I'm too independent before. He's actually my first serious boyfriend because I never really liked a guy enough before to be bothered with a relationship and it's a mess now...
It's not like I'm not being myself around him, but I'm not used to rely on other people and I'm not used to having people caring for me and no one else... I try not to bother people and blend into the background tbh (which I always fail to do because I stand out somehow) and with him, maybe I don't want him to think I'm a bother?
I ask him questions but he doesn't really often ask me stuff about me or my past so strangely I just assume he doesn't want to know. Maybe he wants me to volunteer things about myself?

This may sound a bit random, but I don't know, the subject is bothering me a bit. He says he really likes me but what exactly does he like in me if apparently he doesn't know much about me? Did anyone else deal with such a thing in their relationships?

[gray_sailor]

Dependent is a word that has connotations of subservience and lower status. As a result, I think it is more confusing than illuminating to use this word when trying to discuss the shortcomings your boyfriend sees in your relationship.

I would choose a different word for what it is your boyfriend wants to experience. The word that describes what he wants from you is that he wants to feel 'valued'.

Men, moreso than women want to be wanted for what they can do. Otherwise, it seems like you are biding your time, waiting until you have better options. When that better option comes along, then you will be willing to make THAT man a:
- more included
- more useful
- more needed
- more essential
- more irreplacable
- more central
- more valued part of your life.

Right now it seems like you are a seat mate on a four hour flight. You are happy, and pleasant and friendly enough, but you are still entirely your own person. When you arrive at your destination, and the aircraft taxis' to the terminal, his brief encounter with you will be at its end. He will expect you to then leave him without a second thought.

This is a normal feeling for airplane seat mates. It sucks to feel this in a romantic relationship. Not interweaving your life with his feels to him like you are keeping your bags packed by the door.

Eventually, he will tire of your:
- reluctance
- reticence
- withholding
- separateness
- and yes, your independence.
and he will help you to load up your bags and kindly show you out that door.

"Have a nice life, I hope you can eventually find some one to share it with."

[Asker]

I may not be very experienced in those, but I think a relationship is a two-ways street. I haven't gone all out for reasons he should be well aware of even if we never discussed them, and maybe personality-wise I'm not the most demonstrative type, but I've been going out of my way to try and communicate with him and showing my feelings. Which I never did before either.
But I guess he's doing everything right and I fit the bad role perfectly...

[singlebee]

What he is really saying is that you should get more close to him... When a person is independent especially emotionally... The other person may feel unloved..

So that's why he wants you to be more dependent on him so that he can get to know you more... And become more close... ☺

[singlebee]

And about that past thing... Fo upu mean by paat BF or something? He might not want to know it because... It Is better that way... Why do you want to tell him about your past?

[Asker]

Not exactly my past relationships, but if he wants to know me more why not just ask about me, my life?
In order to become closer... Somehow it feels like my real personality doesn't matter much here? I thought I was being myself.

[singlebee]

Actually you doing get closer to each other my necessarily asking about your so's past life...

It can be done by spending more time together... Going out or doing fun things together... Anything literally... even intimate things
You can't be so independent in a relationship...
I really think he is not happy and wants you to get more closer to him...

[GirlScoutsRevenge]

Don't become reliant on him but also understand he wants to be part of your life. People seem the believe and want a relationship to be slightly symbiotic. That you should rely heavily on each other. I don't agree with that and men up have always struggled with my independent nature. I find it hard to put others out and get them to do something I'm perfectly capable of. However, in later life I have learned to compromise and allow my partner to do things for me. It makes him happy so that makes me happy. Let him in, let him feel like you value his input in your life and that he is a positive and helpful thing in your world. Let him think you need him, even if you don't. No one needs anyone else but everyone loves to feel needed.

[rthomas43]

Dropping dem truth bombs again.

[GirlScoutsRevenge]

@rthomas43 BOOM! You knows it!

[BarbaraP]

The same thing has happened to me too. What your boyfriend means is that he'd like you to let him be a part of your life a little more. Let him know what you're doing during the day, let him know if you need anything, if anything goes right or wrong, talk about yourself, about your family a little more.
Show him that you care about him to the point that you're willing to share with him things you don't usually share with anyone.
And remember that he's your boyfriend for a reason, you won't bother him by telling him about yourself and you won't bother him if you need something and ask for his help... if it was the case he wouldn't be with you.

[gray_sailor]

Very well said.

[Aleera]

He seems to want to know to you. From what I hear it's his problem, because he never really asked about something... Anyway you can for example talk to him about problems you faced at work... Or a dilemma you might be facing. Generally make him feel like you need his advice or you need to talk to him. You know evolved around your life... Even if you don't need him.

[Asker]

Yeah, it feels a bit like that... he doesn't ask, but wants me to open more to him.
Yet I'm not sure why he likes me when he doesn't seem to really care.

[Aleera]

I don't think he doesn't care. He's just one of those people who expect from others to magically understand what they want. Lol. Why he likes you now. When it comes to a man liking a particular woman, everything is complicated. It can be the vibe she gives, it can be her sensuality, her looks, her attitude, her smell, her character, her everything. You can't ask someone why he has fallen for a particular person. Every single one of reflects differently to the eyes of someone else...

[PanaBella]

Be yourself. Don't allow anyone to try and change you. By being more 'dependent', then you would be contradicting the other thing he said by you showing more of your personality.

You know your personality is being an independent, strong woman. He can take it or leave it! You can be independent and he can still 'spoil you'. The only man you should ever depend on is your husband, and even then you should have your own assets incase (God forbid) something were to go wrong.

Good luck

[rthomas43]

You don't need to completely abandon your independent ways and start being 100% dependent on him. Guy's like knowing they're needed. Makes us feel al macho and shit. He's just wanting you to let him provide for you or spoil you in small ways, just so he can feel needed by you.

[Trini-Rose]

He can't force you to be that way, if he does leave his butt or just talk to him.. he might understand.. if not as I said leave is a** lol

[ArabianPwincess197]

He wants to know you

[Asker]

But it's not like I'm hiding myself...
Maybe he thought I was a different person and is getting disappointed?

[gray_sailor]

asker,

Maybe he thinks it's your job to tell the story of yourself and not wait for an interrogation.