Interracial, I'm black, he's white. I'm the first of any race he's dated. I feel insecure.. Part of his family wouldn't accept me?

[Anonymous]

he's 20 im 19. My first bf. Official for 2 weeks and after 5 months. Sometimes i wonder if he really loves me. But he says it. he's super sweet and respectful. But i wondered If he's just experimenting? Or racist? And if this was normal? Ok. We were cuddling and just started the relationship and i said "I'm yours" and he laughed and i said "what?" And he said "nothing" and he continued that he thought of a racist joke and he didn't want to use the "N" word. And i said well, there seems to be two types of the use in this society, because even some whites use "n*ggas and i am aware that with the letters "ers" added to the end, it is racist. First... It was about how whites owned blacks in the past. Then he told a racist joke and it was honestly funny and i laughed it off. Then i asked about racism within his family and what they would do if they saw me. And I am of lighter skin. Both of his grandparents are racist and his older brother dates a woman of another race with darker skin (i forgot what ethnicity) and he said they would treat me as a (friend) and assume I was his friend rather than a girlfriend. And he answered the other question that he would never bring home a darker skinned woman. But that he has slept with a black girl, and he continued with "she was black... I mean black, black. Super black" And with me, I am light skinned, my hair is naturally long and this surprised him? And he often says how soft my skin is. Continuing, at one point he joked he would say to my dad "(insert my name) is my nigga!" And it surprised me a bit and i laughed and said "i dont think that would end well.. Don't" then that convo ended. He says that with his mom and dad there ok with me. I noticed he always brings me over at a time (after) his parents have left. I do not believe his mom is racist, but it is hard to tell. When in the room with me and her son, she rarely makes eye contact. I feel a bit invisible? And Given the opportunity, he hasn't introduced me to his dad.

[Sara413]

I think he probably makes the jokes because he is slightly uncomfortable but wants to somehow prove how totally comfortable he is with everything..

Being white is a little weird like that these days (I am by ALL means NOT complaining! We don't have it hard at all)... like, those of us who consider themselves to be with the times and not racist ass holes have this weird obsession with wanting to make sure every not white person around us knows we're super chill and totally not racist... so even though we totally aren't racist, we suddenly feel a little uncomfortable when a non-white person is there, because we're suddenly super conscious of everything we say and do and every possible way any of it could be interpreted...

But because he is dating you and he's suppose to be "beyond" all that dumb stuff, maybe he is trying to prove just how totally chill and not racist he is by... making dumb racist jokes... he's trying to be meta about it...

If it bothers you, you should DEFINITELY talk to him about that - but try not to put him on the defensive by accusing him of being racist... make it about YOU and how YOU feel/felt when he says/said this or that thing.

As for the family thing, I'd tell him that you want to meet his parents and siblings, and see how that goes. If he's really uncomfortable with that, ask him why. It'll definitely make things a lot harder if his family has race issues, but it also shows how much he really does care for you if he is willing to potentially tarnish his family relationships to be with you. As for the grandparents - let's just hope they die off sooner rather than later... there's no changing them at this point! There's hope for the rest of the family though, even if they are a little bit racist.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as a white woman who has only ever dated black men, when the other person makes comments about someone's race there's a problem. I'm married to a black man and I would NEVER call him the N-word even if he called himself that. And as for bringing up history about whites owning blacks? That has nothing to do with you two as neither of you were alive. He may like you because of your skin, but it shouldn't be brought up in negative ways-if anything he should be celebrating a feature he says he likes. Tell him how it is, either he needs to grow up and get over the race difference or he shouldn't be with you if it's going to continue to make you uncomfortable

[LeeLFC]

This anon spoke the truth.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure you already know this, but most white people don't understand a thing about discrimination. They don't understand what it feels like to be oppressed, and they don't understand the hatred and bigotry that are behind racial slurs. If he says or does something that crosses a line racially, he needs to understand that you're not cool with it. That being said, his family members will have their preconceived notions, but if he makes it clear to his family that he's with you and that anyone who doesn't accept you will have a problem with him, their attitudes should start to change rather quickly.

[Anonymous]

Who cares about his racist family members its mostly the older ones theyll die off soon enough