Why did he change his mind?

[Anonymous]

I've been exclusively dating a guy for 3+ months. He initially wanted to get serious right away (as in make things official: girlfriend/boyfriend etc). I said I wanted to take things slower and he said that was ok. Lately I've been feeling like I wanted to take the next step in terms of seriousness so I approached him yesterday about what he thought. He said that he wasn't sure what he wanted. Um...what? I mean I think we were kind of stalling in terms of our progress in dating, but I attribute that to a lack of communication and the fact that both of us are unbelievably busy with school.

He said that he had been waiting for me to bring this issue ("us") up sooner and that I hadn't so he didn't know exactly HOW slow I wanted things to go. He also said that he wasn't looking to get married or get really serious (well...um neither am I, but I don't think that you need to have marriage in mind to be able to be serious with someone) and that he wanted more of a casual, no-strings-attached relationship. Oh and he also mentioned that he didn't know if we were even right for each other and said that he often thought I was too much of a good girl for him but went onto say that he still didn't know me very well.

WTF is going on. It was like word vomit coming out and I was so taken aback that I barely had time process what he was saying.

why the hell is he with me and acting like my boyfriend when he "doesn't even know if we're right for each other". and I know the simple answer would be to say that he wants to have his cake and eat it too, but he's not out to take advantage of me. I'm not that stupid. (or so I'd like to think)

I'm not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't take me seriously. I'm not asking for marriage, I'm asking for a mutual respect and acknowledgment of what we have. (or what I thought we had). Can I chalk this up to immaturity and not knowing what he wants? Why did he change his mind!?

[ArtistBboy]

I can only assume your very well known for advice based on how you analyzed the situation, I completely agree with you on "wtf is going on". It sounds to me like this guy was wanting to take the quickstep with your relationship, which was his attempt at taking you for granted (aka "getting in your pants").

When he stepped back from the situation after you asked to take things slowly, it seems like he started to grow accustomed to anything that was happening between the both of you. After growing accustomed and feeling comfortable in your relations, he lost the attraction that new relationships have.

Where I'm utterly dumbfounded is why he "switched gears" towards being FWB after only 3 months, it sounds like those were his intentions all along. If someone is asking you out and they are sincere, they want things to work out for the long term; otherwise it would be much easier in just stating your desire upfront.

Have you considered the perspective of him doing this in retaliation to the way you asked to take things slow, that he is trying to switch the shoes by becoming distant; thus making you fight for his attention / desire for the relationship..?

I would "chalk this" as a learning lesson and still fight for it, being as your ready for pushing towards a boyfriend/girlfriend situation (to see if there is any false presentation of the situation). If you ever feel like he truly isn't interested in a relationship with you and you're in the "fight or fly" mood- your only option will be to move on.

Best regards,

ArtistBBoy

[ddudleya]

Maybe he is just scared a little. Sometimes that happens. Some don't how to deal with the word "married" its hard on some. I think he is just venting. Give him a little bit of time and he will tell you what he has come up with. The stress of other things and this could make him say some things that hurt you. He might not have meant it and I use the word "might" cause it still means he could just not care about being serious. The whole point is he could need some time and wants you to wait on him. Don't wait to long, but don't try to pull the trigger to soon. Use your gut and have things play out.

[AngelRaven89]

He sounds immature to me. He doesn't seem to want to make a commitment to you if he just wants a "casual, no-strings-attached relationship." To me that just sounds as if he doesn't want to be "tied down". If it's been 3 months and he doesn't know you very well it's either because A) He wasn't really listening when you talk B) Miscommunication or lack of similar interests. Also, If he thinks you're too much of a "good girl" and how slow you will go, he's probably debating how much time it will take for you to sleep with him and if he is really "into" you enough to wait for you. I could be way off though! Personally I like to take things slow too and I'm afraid something like this would happen to me so I could just be projecting. Just have another talk with him. You need to see where his head is at and what he wants to get out of the relationship. Anyway I wish you luck and hope you get it all figured out.

[girl89]

In order for a relationship to work it takes two mature people and by the looks of it this boy isn't even close to being "mature" give him a couple years so he can grow up and be a man maybe then he'll be ready for a real serious relationship.

[ladylicker501]

Well, from a third person point of view...He kept waiting for you, in which you did the right thing. but sounds like he has found someone else, maybe occupying his "dumbass head in pants" and doesn't know how to be honest with you...My opinion, once he sees what he used to have, he will see he doesn't have anything close to good as being with you. Let this relationship go, and move on..You need someone that will care for you and your feelings, no matter how long it will take...

[Anonymous]

Its not why he changed his mind you should be asking yourself... Leave him, he's obviously not looking for a real relationship. He just wants to get laid, I know how he thinks, I used to be like that and play with a girls head with the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing and then being a busy guy there's less time so you try and take shortcuts, ask to be FWB or NSA relationships, which sometimes work, but obviously ur friend here has No Game.

[ArtistBboy]

Agreed +1