Is a month too long to take a break in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend suggested taking a month long break in our relationship because it has been going downhill. I agreed to it even though I dont like the idea of it being an entire month. We made specific rules for our break. We can not see, date, sleep with or have any other inappropriate interactions with others, even via telephone, text, phone calls, social media, etc. It will be one month long of absolutely no contact for any reason. And during that time we will evaluate if our relationship is worth saving or how bad we will be impacted, or not impacted, if we broke up for good. Is a month too long for a break? I feel like it shouldn't take that long to miss someone or decide if you want to be with this person you should already be at least half way sure. What do you think? Also any advice on how to go through with this without losing my mind?

[lumos]

I've never been very fond of the idea of breaks but I'm not one to completely dismiss the idea/point of one.
You have clear rules which I think are reasonable. This is what Ross and Rachel in Friends didn't do, which led to the misunderstandings and the "we were on a break" thing that they kept bringing up for like the rest of the seasons... lol.
No I don't think a month is an unreasonable time frame, it gives you a solid view on what your life could be like if you truly ended things. A week or two isn't enough to give you that sort of clarity. It's not just about missing the other person, it's about reflecting on your relationship, what you want, who you are, what you don't want, if things will work. I. e. you need to leave a lot of room for some serious thinking and reflecting, and you don't achieve that by not talking for just a week or two. So I think a month is perfect, not too short but not too long either.
You go through with it by living your life, focusing on yourself. Pretend you're single again or something (without breaking the rules ofc), see how it feels. I'm sure it'll be hard at first but after a while I think you could come to some interesting conclusions about your relationship that you didn't think of before.

[Anonymous]

Actually a recent church sermon suggested a whole year for a guy to ponder how to best serve & love a gal when things are not going well. I think we both agree that would be intolerable but allows one to consider other drastic measures less severe.

Although a month seems impossible, am beginning to warm up to this idea and consider your choice in guys pretty wise and him pretty smart... IQ over 135 anyway. So this answers your question = a month is tolerable and perhaps best amount of time to really feel somewhat of a break from past habits, feelings and SOPs that might be getting in the way of relationship progress.

Now my unsolicited feelings about this if involved as one of the partners would be:
> for you (the other one) to be able to put me on the shelf for any amount of time reveals your lack of love & lust, your passion to be near me
> should any other shoppers find me attractive enough to ask me off that shelf, I'll have to try them out, screw your rules, bud - you took the risk and I have not enough police to KNOW you are playing by these rules as well (suspicious he's trying out a new gal to serve as comparison)

[Heythere2013]

in my opinion breaks are complete BS, especially a whole month of not having any contact. Maybe a day or a couple to cool off is reasonable, but you cannot fix relationship problems being apart, you solve them together and if you can't its time to go your separate ways. When you move in together/get married, if problems arise, you will need to solve them together, there won't be any "month" breaks. Your boyfriend is using this as a cop out, so that he can prob eventually just disappear and won't have to face you. You are either together or you are not. He will most likely look for someone else and then tell you at the end of that month that things are just not working out.

[Tdieseler]

I agree with @reptocarl 100%. Though i won't agree with his choice of words lol... yup, if you guys are even discussing a break.. just add the "up" and spare yourselves the stress. You say you discussed the "rules" with him... there are people who are STILL in a relationship that see, date, fuck other people.
You my darling are apart and you want to convince yourself that because you discussed its safe? believe me, the moment this break starts, he will start looking for your replacement.
Your relationship is over.
The part i like is how you are putting a time limit to it... break for a month... then you come back and he will realize how fun it was without you, next you know you will discuss a break for two months... then three... and while you cling to hope, he will be seeing, dating, fucking someone else if not multiple people.

[Tdieseler]

Just realized that it was the boyfriend that suggested a break... wow... my first opinion is not written in stone... just change all the "he will"s to "he is" lol

[Tdieseler]

now...

[cleverclod]

Yeah I think breaks can be good if its what you both want. Honestly this sounds like he wants it more than you do, and its ok to say that to him. Say you respect that he needs some breathing space and you don't mind giving it to him, because independence is good. But also I don't think you should set a time limit. If you want to meet up after a week then you should be able to do that. If he likes you then he won't say no. Gotta go with how you feel

[Tdieseler]

@cleverclod aww... you cute little clod you *pats her on the cheek*... you know that in reality when girls actually remove the fantasy from their eyes, guys can be more committed. why? cuz its sometimes difficult to get with another girl..(for some guys). So when a guy asks for a break... it means he's done with the current one, and there is another one in line. Either he has started with her or wants to start.
If he didn't, he wouldn't ask for a break, and damn well especially not for a month. The "break" is just the excuse... kinda like "... but i was drunk" is an excuse.
Boo boo... this relationship is either dead or dying.
And our asker here is lying on the cushion of "we discussed things" just to feel better but im pretty sure she knows it too...

[Asker]

Why are you so negative? What if he comes back & wants to work things out because he actually missed me being in his life. Despite what we're going through now he still has respect & love for me. Even if he decides to break up for good I won't be too blind sided because i knew the purpose of the break was for both of us to figure out what we want. Who knows maybe I'll be the one to want to end the relationship a month from now.

[Tdieseler]

... negative? im sorry, i didn't know saying things as they are was being "negative"... also me and you BOTH know you aren't gonna end things so stop trying to deceive yourself even more.
You know, its actually possible that he will come back to you to "work things out"... whenever whomever he has lined up already messes up... which i can guarantee you will take more than a month. Yes, he DOES have someone else in mind, and don't be stupid and ask him if he does, he's gonna deny that shit right off the bat.
Im telling you what is happening from a guy perspective and as someone who has done this on multiple occasions... also listen to most of the other girls... HE asked for the break... your relationship is bust... you are still holding on to the 1% chance that its not. it could be now... or months from now... but its inevitable.

[cleverclod]

Yeah I think there may be the chance he is chatting with other girls and seeing what is out there, but honestly this is healthy. As long as he isn't talking inappropriately or meeting up with them then its natural to see whats what. If he loves you then he will come back to you. there's no point saying you have all these rules and being worried he will break them, if he wants to break them he will. However, if you give him some space and he doesn't break them... he's a keeper! Sometimes you need distance to see you can trust someone :) it will all work itself out dont worry. Stay positive because thats more attractive anyway, go out with friends and live your life, do not sit around and wait for him cos hell start losing respect for you.

[cleverclod]

@Tdieseler why am I cute! I am being insightful here! Just giving an opinion the same as you are... dont need to be mean!

[Tdieseler]

@cleverclod i apologize if it sounded rude... but one of my main points was that guys usually don't start breaks... and agreeing to a month of no sex? i can only see one reason why a guy will agree to that... and that is because someone else is gonna be handling that. then you said he is a keeper if he comes back... lol... yea until the next "break"..

[cleverclod]

@Tdieseler yeah I get that but what I meant was that me and my boyfriend went on a break a while back, we werent gonna talk for a month. He completely initiated it and so I went along with it. After about 4 days he came back like 'actually I dont want a break' and things have been better since then! Im not saying that its good for everyone, but can be good to make people see if they want a relationship or not!

[Tdieseler]

@cleverclod I agree... my other point which you and the asker are missing is that 90% of the time a guy initiates, there is someone else lined up. you said "can be good to make people see if they want a relationship or not"... what you didn't add was "... a relationship WITH YOU or no"...
Your boyfriend came running back to you because the other option fell out... wasn't available or was inconvenient.
Im not talking out of my butt, this is something that I've done... and I've seen other guys do.
I took a break with my now ex, what i didn't say was that i had been attracted to this other girl and we had been talking and i wanted to do stuff. she was down too, so when now ex did something i took offense and eventually asked for a break and guess what happened during that break period? When the flame died out... break ended.
I hope this is not the case for her (or you), but its very likely... sad part, you can't ask to know either. You'd be lied to.

[cleverclod]

@Tdieseler yes I see what you are saying. In my case it wasn't another women, it was because my boyfriend had just started his own business and wanted to put all his efforts into that, and I got upset that he wasn't giving me enough attention. So we were going to cool things while he set it all up but then decided Id actually be able to support him and it worked out better. What I am saying is there are many reasons people want to go on breaks. It does not automatically mean there is another woman on the scene! Sometimes it can mean that but there are lots of other reasons. The asker might have a reason like that and maybe taking a break is ok if you really like someone. Men aren't just animals anymore. You said you couldn't believe a man would wait a whole month... Unless he is a 15 year old boy I think it is plausible to wait for someone you love.

[Tdieseler]

@cleverclod I like your optimism but i deal in facts and the facts are that most of the time, there is someone else lined up. Once in a while, it will be legitimate and the guy would just want some space... but unless you stay together.. thats easy to do. He just won't communicate for a while... not ask for a "break".
And love is for suckers... (no offense)

[cleverclod]

@Tdieseler Haha Id rather be an ignorant sucker and have love! So you don't love any of your family or anyone? Not even yourself? There are times when we need to concentrate on ourselves. It isn't always about having someone else lined up! In the Askers case they have chosen to still be commited to each other so it isn't a break, it is just a bit of space, and thats fine! The only thing she asked was if a month was too long, to which I think it probably is, just agree on some space and see how it goes, don't put a time on it.

[Tdieseler]

@cleverclod well that particular bit of information was left out, she didn't say anything about commitment, and even if she did, he still wouldn't bring up nor ask for a break. and no, no i don't love anyone, not even myself. In order to even show a bit of emotion, i drink. but if i read the details right, seems like he's trying to get away from her but she's trying to hold on (like girls do) to something that is done. im not a fan of break up as an option but come on, this is obvious...

[reptocarl]

"Break" is what a pussy says for breakup. It makes you think he's coming back. He'll only come back to use you as a backup plan or use you for free pussy with no commitment when he can't find someone else. It's over permanently and completely and you will not remain friends even if he suggests or agrees to it

[Asker]

Actually we talked open and honest about this. Of course I thought the same thing but he assured me that its not an excuse to prolong a break up. We really do need time apart. I just wasn't sure if a month was too long.

[reptocarl]

Are you telling me there's no way he could be lying? That it just isn't possible? Successful couples don't take "breaks." If you need a "break" your relationship is over.

[Horse123]

Wake up! Its all a game. Breaks are called break ups for wimps and users who can get away with it.

[Tdieseler]

@Horse123 huh... expand please.

[Horse123]

@Tdieseler I never known anyone to take a break in a relationship that honestly wanted to stay in it. People use things like breaks to see other people. If someone loves you and want to be in a relationship they would work on it not take a temporary no contact break from it.

[reptocarl]

@Horse123 exactly

[Tdieseler]

@Horse123 Well, i knew that (read my opinion) but i wanted to see if YOU knew what you were talking about lol... the names threw me off :)

[Kylah8913]

Darling, i am 27. I've been in many relationship and you know what... There is nothing wrong with having a month long break. It is healthy to take some time if need be. It doesn't always mean it's an easy way out to lead to a full blown out breakup. He just needs some time and when you can give that it will make him realize he has a keeper. Just give the man a break. Use that time to find things that you want to do for yourself and get into something. Work on you. Relationships are not easy. They are very hard work. So sometimes a break are a good thing.

[kaylaS91]

I think that as long as you've addressed all of the 'rules' that will apply to you guys during this break, which it seems like you have (ie. no interacting with others of the opposite sex), a month wouldn't be 'too long'. It doesn't seem like there's any set span of time that is appropriate or inappropriate for how long a break should be for. It depends on why the couple is going on a break, what they hope to achieve by it, etc..

[Tdieseler]

you think so? well maybe you can tell her about those rules AFTER the inevitable break up

[kaylaS91]

@Tdieseler.. no? I'm not sure why you need to ask if I'm sure that the opinion I just gave is really my opinion. You'd think that much is obvious.

[Tdieseler]

Its one of the most popular rhetorical questions on the planned... you'd think that'd be obvious as well.

[kaylaS91]

@Tdieseler You'd think it would be obvious that there are no universal dating policies that exist, and so it makes no sense to give advice as if they do.

[Tdieseler]

You call what you said advice? thats called fantasy. If you don't know anything about guys... try not to say anything about guys... dont be leading this poor girl head-on into disappointment. You really think that "talking" is gonna help?
Read my actual opinion, i don't want to have to repeat myself on your thread.

[kaylaS91]

@Tdieseler hahhaa you're such a sad sad troll.
Go elsewhere than bitching on my opinion that it's wrong when, correct me if I'm wrong but it seems like your advice has done nothing more than guarantee that you're 27, alone and bitter af?

[Tdieseler]

Lol... what makes you think im alone? Im single by choice boo boo and have been for almost three years... thats 3 years of turning people down because i figured out that rather than start something i already know will end, i'd rather not start it at all. also cuz i don't want the drama that comes with it... like breaks and shit.
Starting relationships stupidly is the reason why I've been with sooo many people and been classified the "bad guy" when i ended it because i wasn't happy in it. So guess what, im not starting any and I've been happy ever since. I can get any girl any day any time... but im quite content being single with the option of fucking anyone i fucking want without someone breathing down my neck seeking attention.
lol... she called me bitter... you funny. you made my day.

[kaylaS91]

@Tdieseler... that's why you should stop giving people advice on how to start/maintain relationships *in an unwise manner.
vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/.../...u-speak-it.jpg

[Tdieseler]

maintain what relationship? the one thats on its way to splitting or already split? this relationship needs repair.. not maintenance. Thats how i know you don't know what you are talking about.

And starting a relationship and maintaining it is NOTHING for me... done it numerous times... its being happy in it. Cuz you girls just have a way of just demanding and demanding while saying you are giving but you ain't giving jack.
Im just tired of the back and forth, i quit, and im waiting.

[kaylaS91]

@Tdieseler https://cdn.meme.am/instances/31047632.jpg

[Tdieseler]

Hey, im not the one thats going on a "break"... i sleep fine. and you follow your advice lol... i love watching people crash n burn.

[lucky1988]

No, I don't think it's too long. You both laid out the rules. I'd be nervous if he would be ok with sleeping with other women, hanging out with them, etc. Every relationship is different. I say if you love him give him his time.

If that's what he wants you may not be able to convince him otherwise. In the meantime while you are waiting you may want to work on yourself... such as personal development, exercise, learning a new hobby, etc.

[LolaKay]

No I don't think one month is a long period but I also suggest that you contact him see what's going to happen with you both, tell him how you feel and what you want after this break, meet up for coffee because maybe he is waiting for you to make the move. Or else you will lose your mind

[Asker]

so you think we should have minimum contact during the break or just wait until the end to finally talk and see where we're both at?

[LolaKay]

No I meant that one month is enough for a break, if you wait longer maybe you won't be in a relationship anymore, so I suggest you sending him a message telling him you want to meet up

[LolaKay]

And then just talk about how was the month and slowly get into the main reason why you're both here

[Sigh82]

I don't like breaks. My boyfriend suggested one last night. It hurts when someone tells you they need a break from you. I don't see what can't be worked out with a little talk.

[theresat0]

A break is, in my experience, a less cruel way to say he's somehow not satisfied. Don't just submit if you're really into him, ask him why. If he cares about you as much as you do him, he'll answer.

[Drooogie4]

A month is a good amount of time. Especially with your ground rules.
Its enough time to stop being over emotional and be effective at analyzing it.

[Tdieseler]

... u really think so? ur cute..

[Sara413]

If you need a month long break to figure it out, I think you've already figured it out... your relationship is over.

[ProbablyTooMature]

I've never heard of a relationship working out successfully following a "break" personally.

[Lostcauselobotomy]

If you're even talking about a break... do yourselves a favor and just break up.

[Anonymous]

Personally I think breaks are a cowards way of dumping someone. Either your with someone or your not.

[AnaReyD]

A month is way too long he probably wants too see what's out there for him before he fucks up and ends up with nothing it seems like he want you as a back up and plan!! I don't know anyone or my self would be okay with this

[Anonymous]

Don't be dumb, don't wait around for this. Break is break up. Don't lie to yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Breaks don't fix relationships. This is too long with no communication. Sounds like a slow goodbye from someone who don't have the balls to say it.

[xsashax]

There's no time limit at all, period.

[Adigelunar]

taking a reak means the relationship will end soon