He'd leave if I gain weight?

[Anonymous]

Had a talk with my boyfriend and found out he'd leave if i gained weight or let myself go. I'm no fit person I am chunky. I used to be very fit but I have mental issues that stop me. I don't know what to think about it but I have been hurt when found out.

Updates

+1 y

My boyfriend is a great guy. Treats me well and does a lot of things to help me improve. He has flaws like all of us. I just got a little hurt at the idea that he'd leave if i stopped trying and i don't known if i'm just over reacting

Updates

+1 y

He just said hed only leave if i gain like 200 pounds because women do tend to get comfortable in the relationship. Its not like he is like a body builder or anything himself. He hasn't gymed in a while but wants me to start gym with him. So we can help each other sort of thing. He knows i dont like my body and i know he wants to buff up.

[Wonderer89]

At first I got all indignant but then I read your update. Did he specifically say he'd leave "if you stopped trying"? I think that is an important distinction, as he isn't saying if you gained weight he'd leave, but if you stopped trying to be the best version of yourself he would.
Good relationships aren't built on perfection, they are built on effort and it's not unreasonable for him to feel that way. My husband stuck with me gaining 70lb and supported my fat backside as I lost 50 of it. If I hadn't have started making an effort I could fully have understood him leaving me as not only was I endangering my health but I was risking our future together when it came to having children.
Sure I still have 20lb to go but if effort is all your partner is asking for he isn't expecting perfection Hun. He's still with you, he obviously loves you. Don't take the hurtful parts of his sentence out of context xo

[RJGraveyTrain]

I mean, I get what he's saying, but also don't think he approached it right.

Obviously your partner gaining weight can be a normal part of a relationship; fine, it happens. But I do agree that if you let yourself go but REFUSE to better yourself that you're not just giving up on yourself, but the relationship, so I get why people would consider leaving.

However if you did I doubt he'd just tuck tail and run as long as you were willing to work on it. I mean my SO gained a few and I'm not about to leave him for it even though I have my preferences because I love him too much. I don't think you need to worry too much girl.

[snowangle]

I understand, it's hard finding out he'd leave so easily. My ex, while we were dating, once told me he'd dump me on the spot if I ever called him "bae." Even though he was probably kidding, and I've never used the word "bae" in my life, it did hurt when he said that.

I guess you just have to decide if he's worth staying fit for. I mean, you should want to be healthy for yourself definitely, but if you have to worry about him leaving you every time you eat a French fry, personally I'd say that's unnecessary stress added to your life. I'd want to be with someone I can trust to stay with me through the tough parts of life.

[SweetMissShar]

Dump him. He should love you regardless of how you look. My ex did this to me once. I was a smaller size when we met and then I gained 60 pounds throughout the three years of our relationship. He didn't like it, but I was happy with my new curves and so were other men. I dumped him eventually and am happy as hell. What one man doesn't like another will love. Dump him.

[Exterminatore]

Was he attracted to her initially regardless of how she looked? I doubt it.

[SweetMissShar]

@Exterminatore Possibly. Our physical appearance change all the time. Women get pregnant, get older, so their body changes. Men get older, their body changes. Life is full of changes. If a person truly loves and care about you they should see past your appearance. They should love the person inside. Should a woman stop dating an army soldier who lost his arm and legs in an explosion? His physical appearance changed, but he's still the same person. Same thing goes for a man/woman who gained weight. They're still the same person, just chunkier. =)

[Exterminatore]

You make a valid point, my thing is women who change in appearance not because of age, pregnancy etc, but because they're lazy. They get comfortable and think their guy should tolerate them chunking up 60 to 80 lbs. I won't stand for changes of that nature.

[Asker]

@Exterminatore I personally cry when I gain even 5 pounds but don't let myself go. Think my mental issues keep me from even gaining like 80 pounds

[Exterminatore]

5 pounds no biggie, 15 pounds no biggie, 40 pounds, it's an issue.

[SweetMissShar]

But even if you DID gain 80 pounds... if he is your man and he gives a fuck about you then he wouldn't leave you. He's too shallow. Dump him girlfriend. If he can't handle a little weight gain then he won't handle any other real changes in your life that will arise. Major red flag! Deep dark red flag.

[Exterminatore]

Negative ghostrider. Changes are one thing, abject laziness and comfortableness are another.

We're all going to change as we age physically and probably not for the better, but ballooning up because your lazy ain't ok.

These same girls upon divorce or being dumped have no trouble hitting the gym like a champ to look attractive and get a new guy. I say if your able to hit the gym to get a new guy, you're able to hit the gym for the guy you've got now.

[Exterminatore]

I say if she gave a fuck about him she wouldn't blow up to XXL size knowing he isn't attracted to that.

[Exterminatore]

Can't have your cake and eat it too.

[SweetMissShar]

@Exterminatore You're right. I can't argue that!

[Asker]

I've already had a little weight gain being with him like 7 pounds. It's not much but its not like i love that i gained that weight

[Exterminatore]

If he's flipped out over 7 lbs, that's rediculious. I doubt I can even tell if my lady put on 10 pounds. 15 and up, yeah I can tell, but it doesn't start looking real bad until it's like 25, 30 lbs plus. Then it's time to fix it.

[Exterminatore]

Glad we agree.

This isn't about being a weight Nazi and being an ass because your lady puts on a few pounds, it's about girls who get way too comfortable, and put on 50 lbs + because in her mind it's "I've got him now and he should love me for who I am". Yeah sure he may love you, but what's he do when he's no longer attracted to you? Waste a year or two (asumming their not married) hoping she finds the time in her busy schedule (which she had time for everything else in) to go on a diet and/or work out?

Ladies don't even need to work out to look good. So long as they don't overeat all the time, they're fine.

[MadeInAmerica]

There is a difference between just gaining weight and just not giving a fuck and gaining weight. I told my wife that I wouldn't leave her for gaining weight however if she gained so much weight it is causing problems with her daily life or ours that she would need to get help and prove she is trying to get back on track. One of the things I can't stand is someone giving up or lack of effort.

[samhradh_leannan]

This is it exactly.

[SweetMissShar]

Sir... you would leave your wife... don't you remember your vows? For better or for worse... need I continue? I hate to be a butt about this, but why would you leave your WIFE for something like this. If she gains so much weight for whatever reason then you HELP her... don't leave her. What if she left you for getting fired from your job or for losing all of your limbs? You don't leave a person you married under God because her physical appearance changed. Not trying to be mean... but come on! =(

[thrillestrillest]

I can understand where he is coming from (hear me out first). A large portion of a man's attraction to a woman is their physical appearance and I can see that if you were to loose the look he fell in love with or likes so much that can definitely lead to some issues/loss of interest. No matter how much of a great person he is things may change if things go sour as far as attraction goes.

[SweetMissShar]

Sadly, I agree. Men are extremely visual. But I don't think a little weight gain is something to leave your woman for. Leave her for cheating, not for being chunky!

[thrillestrillest]

If you aren't attracted to someone you've dropped one of the two (the other being personality) why be with that person when you could find someone who is going to have both?

[SweetMissShar]

Hmm, OK... so let's say you lost your arm and your leg. You're not attractive anymore, how would you feel if your partner left you because of that? Or what if you have severe burns over your body and your partner broke up with you because your were less attractive. How would you feel? Like shit right? Same thing goes for weight gain. A person should be attracted to what is in the inside!

[thrillestrillest]

I wouldn't feel good but when was the last time a person out another persons feelings before their own? People are attracted to what's inside too (I said personally and appearance) the two need to go hand in hand though. It's unfortunate but it's the way things are

[SweetMissShar]

You're right babe. People have strict preferences, but they are entitled to that and we can't argue that. You like what you like right?

[thrillestrillest]

I don't think it's right because honestly we all deserve to be treated kindly

[marinajs]

Dump him, he is shallow and doesn't care about anything but your body. Im going to be brutally honest but girl, you deserve so much better than him. People are probably gonna say shit like "oh he's only concerned about your health" but what he said crossed the line.

[SwolDishWasher]

She deserves better? You don't know her. She could be boring or crazy.

[marinajs]

@swoldishwasher You're right I don't know her but i do know that no one deserves to be pressured changing themselves to be "good enough". She states that it bothers her meaning she doesn't want a relationship built on the superficial things and if she is unhappy and he is making her doubt herself this guy isn't healthy for her. People deserve the right to pursue happiness and if this guy is bring her down she should leave him. She shouldn't have to worry about pleasing him. If he liked spending time with her and he valued her personality he wouldn't leave her if she gained a bit of weight.

[marinajs]

@asker if you feel the need to lose weight, do it for you. If it helps you feel more confident find that passion and that drive and make a commitment. If you feel the need to be healthier, get healthier but dont let your boyfriend pressure you into it

[Asker]

I've had issued with weight my whole life. Not that I'm obese or anything but I'm not slim. I do have a bit of a belly and thighs but that's about it. I do want to lose the weight nut like I said I have certain things that happened to me that make me turn to food for comfort. In the past when I was actually fit and my smallest is when I conquered my mind. But my mind said lowly crawled back and after he told me that I kind of probably over reacted and deteriated

[SwolDishWasher]

Exactly. Who wants negative influences in their life?

[marinajs]

@asker he shouldn't have tried to shrink your problems. Your feelings are important and saying you overreacted is insensitive. Mental disorders aren't little things you can just excuse whenever you want to and he needs to realize that your feelings are valid. Have you talked to your doctor about it? If he/she says their is something that is preventing you from losing weight they might be able to help and if you talk to them about the mental things they could probably help you find a method to get over that. Your health and happiness is the most important thing.

[SwolDishWasher]

you're promoting weakness. OP knows she has a problem and is actively working on it.

[Asker]

I know I want to be healthy and i love working out as strange as that sounds to some. Lately I haven't because it's really hard to explain. Mind over matter and my mind like keeps my body in a cage because of my past. I suffer with binge eating, BDD, anxiety and depression all in one and it's hard to get the body you want with all of that combined

[Exterminatore]

He's shallow and doesn't care about anything but her body huh? From your picture I can see you're pretty cute. You're certainly not shallow right? So I know a few 300 pound dudes who would love to take you out? What do you say?

See where I'm going with this?

[marinajs]

@Exterminatore If I was already dating someone I would not dump them for gaining a little weight, I dont know any guys around my age who weigh 300lb, and I highly doubt this girl is more than 300lb and if her boyfriend cares about her selft esteem and her mental health he would encourage her not threaten to leave her.

[Exterminatore]

Yeah. You missed my point. My point is, you wouldn't be attracted to a 300 lb dude or one that was 60 lbs overweight. it's uncool to get comfortable in the relationship and chunk up. So many girls do this. Then when their ready to break up or get divorced they hit the gym like a prize fighter. If you can work out to look good to attract a new guy, you can work out to look good for the guy you got, and because so many chicks on here say "dump him he doesn't love you" I say "dump her, she doesn't love you, if she did she wouldn't chunk up 60 or 80 lbs and expect you to be fine with it".

Staying fit isn't for just trying to attract new partners, it should also be for keeping the one you have happy. This is why I fully advocate dumping girls that balloon up to rediculious sizes. They think you should love them no matter what. Screw that.

[marinajs]

Id say we have quite different opinions. I don't have fair say though because im quite rarely attracted to people. To each their own but I wouldn't stay with a guy who threatens to leave me because I got "fat"

[Exterminatore]

Fair enough. We can agree to disagree, but I wouldn't stay with a girl that thinks I'll tolerate her blowing up like a hippo.

[SwolDishWasher]

Please stfu

[marinajs]

@swodishwasher are you talking to me?

[SwolDishWasher]

U guys are blowing up my notifications. And neither of you have added anything that hasn't been said.

[marinajs]

@swoldishwasher then block me. Im done having you comment something negative on every reply I write. They don't all have to do with you and if its bothering you just block me.

[SwolDishWasher]

Im not going go block you.

[Brian-Brain]

If you want to lose weight, lose him.
That's not an error in writing. Never lose weight for somebody. If you want to lose weight then do it or yourself but never for him or any other person.
Chubby/chunky is perfectly fine. Letting yourself go from a health perspective is bad.

[GinaChapis]

Dump him, if he is not willing to truly love you and support you to overcome your challenges and problems, he doesn't deserve you, women's bodies change as we age, if he believes you will have the same body you did as a teenager your whole life, then he is fucking stupid. There are many men out there willing to love you the way you deserve. Tell him to fuck off.

[samhradh_leannan]

It's understandable that someone will no longer be happy in the relationship if their partner gains a huge amount of weight and shows no interest in getting back in shape, or is making no effort to do so.

However, if he'll break up with you over a small amount of weight (which could happen to anyone for lots of different reasons), that's a terrifying position to be with and I could never trust my partner after they said that to me.

[samhradh_leannan]

You're not overreacting. I'd say it is a really big problem that he feels that way.

[Maypai]

He's most likely just saying that. A lot of men have said that at one point or another, but look how many fit or skinny guys are with fat or heavier chicks. It isn't because they sought them out, it's because their partners gained weight over the years. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[AdamThomas]

I said it once and I meant it. She gained weight, I left.

[Fox_McTag]

he might be trying to help... just got bit rough without willing to hurt you

very few of us knows how sensitive receptive a woman can be sometimes

and even when well aware of it and experience when it comes to handle it... it's not rocket science but it's not easy as well

however, regardless of what will happen next: you need to keep trying to be healthy or at least happy the way you are. And he must respect you and take you as is.

[whattothink]

Sounds like a real nice guy you have there. I mean is he talking like 20 lbs or like 100? I mean one is a little bit more understandable as you are concerned about their health, but no reason either way to break up with someone

[Asker]

He knows I try to lose weight. He is trying to gain it as I'm be muscular. He knows I have it in me to get back to the way I was and when he says he'd leave me he means if i lose my drive and stop caring about my health and all of that. He wants me to feel confident in my body because I lack it a lot. It's not like he's forcing me to do anything just encouraging but I just felt a little hurt that he'd leave if i don't get out of my mental funk that stops me working out you know?

[Exterminatore]

I always say, "what it took to get me is what it takes to keep me."

I get you have issues going on, but some girls get too comfortable and start ballooning up. That's not cool and it's disrespectful. I get it seems mean to say this, but if he started chunking up to where he no longer looked attractive, you wouldn't like it right?

[SweetMissShar]

LOL, how is it disrespectful... who is it not respecting? The man? I agree a woman shouldn't let herself go, but remember her weight gain could be something beyond her control. Thyroid issues, hormonal imbalance, pregnancy... anything. If your woman's weight is an issue, then encourage her to lose weight. Don't just break up with her. Go to the gym together.

[10dsw]

I would leave too!

I did all the pursuing and chasing at the beginning. It's time for you to do your role and make me feel that I what I worked for was worth it.

Otherwise I'm out!

[Asker]

i actually pursued him not the other way round

[BluesBoy]

I would leave him. If someone who is suppose to care for you don't back you up for a few kilos what is going to happen when life hits you bad : fire from your work, illness, death of loved one, and so on.

[SweetMissShar]

Omg, best comment. Yes... if he can't stand the extra chunkiness, what will happen if she loses her job? Loyalty is everything.

[natured]

that's dumb. my man tells me when i gain weight but he still loves me and would never set an ultimatum like that... i would leave right away sorry. talk to him though.

[Streamhopper]

Communication is always key in situations like this. Tell him what you're feeling and thinking. Why do you feel that way? Tell him that. See what he has to say.

[madhatters4]

sounds like he needs to find a better way of approaching things. laying out ultimatums is not really a good way to operate in a relationship

[ClumsyAngel]

He might leave if you gain weight to the point he ISN'T ATTRACTED to you anymore. Not just physically, but the lack of self discipline, not wanting to strive is also a turn off

[XuR_CXV_115]

I mean he's saying that now but I doubt he'd leave you unless you're like 300 pounds and don't care at all. He just wants you to be fit for you, not for him :))

[realperson02]

you both should talk this one out.
p. s I am replying after your update and your thoughts about your boyfriend

[Intraluminal]

It's extremely clear. He means exactly what he says.

[CHRIS11796]

You need to find you another guy who is caring and willing to stay through all the ups and downs in your life.

[Pilulu]

Just lose the weight. He doesn't want you to get obese and end up like those people do on My 600 Pound Life.

[Anonymous]

I told my girlfriend the same thing. Its jsut cuz im not thay type a guy that wants a big women. I just can't live with it.. beacsue when she has kids its going to get worse

[SweetMissShar]

Um, babe... You do realize you're going to get old and your metabolism will slow down making your weight stick to you like glue. Bodies change, it's inevitable. You should love a person regardless their weight. Wouldn't you want someone to love your fat ass regardless of how many fat back rolls you accumulate over time? I know I would!

[Opinion Owner]

it not in our gene's, all my family members r not fat. we dont get fat for some reason no matter how much we eat.

[SweetMissShar]

I am not saying you or your family is fat... I am saying what if you get fat... in the future? Or you lose a few limbs or get burned all over.(I hope not, just hypothetically speaking) you would want someone to love you regardless of your physical appearance, right? Right!

[Opinion Owner]

I want. But that isually never happens.. we always end up going for appreances in this day in age.

[Ayshea]

Get rid of him! Asap!

[Bonguy]

Its a way of telling you to control your weight

[sp33d]

So don't stop trying. I agree with him entirely.

[SwolDishWasher]

Leave him or lose the weight.

[SweetMissShar]

She should leave him, but if she's happy with her weight and it's not causing any health issues then she should carry on. She will get a man who loves that sexy chunky shit. =)

[cupidkisses]

yes if he says so

[Anonymous]

He's a punk