Is he ghosting me or is he oblivious?

[vishna]

I was in a relationship with this guy for over 2 years, and things were great-he treated me like a queen. However, there were problems, and it got to a point I didn't think it was good for us to be together. So, I broke up with him a few weeks ago. (mind you, we had never broken up before)
I'm not looking for another boyfriend or sex from anyone. I like talking to my old guy, but I told him to not wait up for me. There are times where I want to get back and try it over again.
Lately, he's been really distant. I just want to call him or video chat but it never works out. He's always been a shit communicator. But it's worse, and I sense his anger at me for breaking it off. He games for hours with no remorse b/c he doesn't have a girlfriend who 'needs' his attention. I get that. And his car broke, so, he's been working on that after work and getting up early to commute with others.
We really haven't talked much in several weeks, and every time I try to reach out to him recently-I end up feeling jaded, basically, exactly how I did before I broke up with him.
He keeps saying he doesn't understand the break and wants to get back together-but why is he still shit at communicating? Why is nothing getting better? What is going on?
This month, I've been really emotional with my birth control affecting me hard. And all I've wanted is his comfort and companionship, and every time he rebuffs me, my pride is hurt-and I resent him.

He's ghosting you/ignoring you on purpose

He's most likely just busy with life

He probably cares for you but will never communicate how you want/need him to

Other

Updates

+1 y

Update: Since I broke up with him, I kept our picture/dating status the same (b/c I don't want to attract attention from guys) He liked this, it gave him faith we could work it out. (even though I told him to not wait up for me) Things haven't gotten better, I changed one then the other. He said it made him lose hope. He said he wants to work things out. And said last night he came home at 11, plugged his phone in, and passed out. But I waited all night for him, hurt. It's a mess of intentions.

Updates

+1 y

Update2:So, I've always been walled up. Saying I've found the 'right' one is hard-I don't love like my partners. I don't know if I've ever been 'in love', I just feel love. Me and this guy are different-I'm sciency, nerdy, check the news everyday-he doesn't. He works a 9-5 he dislikes, doesn't keep up with current events, and seems sort of stuck. I didn't try to change him-My doubts were pushed over the edge by communication. His love was enough, until I didn't feel his love. We're talking now

Updates

+1 y

We are officially...100% broken up.

[Anonymous]

He's hurt that you no longer see him in the same light as you did while you were together. You need to understand that you're asking quite a lot. From his point of view. You seem a little insensitive. He still likes you and wants to be there. But all you want is his friendship and company. It's bound to be a little difficult for him to give you that. He too probably resents you for it. He doesn't understand how you can just keep him as a friend after dating for so long. If its anyone's pride that's being hurt. Its his. He's the one pining over you. If he's just a friend then he's got no obligation to come and try to comfort you like that. I'm just trying to be straightforward. You need to give him space. You hurt him
Not the other way around. You don't get to break up with someone and then feel bad when they don't want to just be friends for a while. Give him some space

[vishna]

At the moment, I had no idea but over time I learned he felt emotions your described. He did resent me, he was hurt, I was asking a lot.

[EmpatheticLady]

It sounds like he will always love or care for you, but he just isn't the type of guy you're going to need or want in your life. His actions are the same as they were before you broke it off, and I'm sure you tried to talk to him about his poor communication skills often before ending things with him. I'm sure you mentioned it as a main reason for not being with him still as well. As such, if he can't understand that and try to work on reaching out to you more, I don't think it'll work out in the long run. I know he doesn't have a girlfriend to "need" to talk to, but he should be messaging or calling you more often if he does want to be with you to show you that he's willing to try.

[oboeyoudidnt]

The thing is, you guys broke up for a reason. The reemergence of issues is no surprise, especially one he had before you broke up.
You need to discuss with him what needs to happen to improve communication if he really wants to date you again. Old dogs can learn new tricks, but only if they're trained

[vishna]

You're so wise. I wish I had half of what you have at 18.

[applesandoranges22]

the real problem is nobody is perfect. you except him to be something he isn't, and when he could not live up to what you wanted, you left him.

[applesandoranges22]

and with this thought process you will never be happy until you realize that every person has their flaws, and they should be worked on. I dont believe in leaving people when they have a trait I dont like i try and meet them half way

[oboeyoudidnt]

Thank you, I hope it works out c: @Vishna

Also this wasn't their only problem according to the question, so she didn't just leave because he had one flaw that she didn't like. Communication is a big issue to have in a relationship, so I see why she's concerned. That's what I was suggesting. She talk to him and see if they could work on it @applesandoranges32

[applesandoranges22]

yeah thats what I meant communication was the big problem. I agreed with you, she should work on it, but she should also realize that people dont come into a relationship perfect they have to work to get to a good place.

[oboeyoudidnt]

Exactly. Which is what I said about working with him, she should help him learn new "tricks" is how I put it. I agree

[akadatank44]

Sounds like he is busy with life and a combo of he won't be that person as far as communication that you want. I also think he's still processing this. Its only been a few weeks. Maybe he's coming to find he enjoys being brokenup because he has more free time but he doesn't know how to express that to you. It could be anything. This sounds like for the both of you this is your first legit serious relationship. Things won't get fixed overnight.
You need to talk to him and ask him if he truly wants to try and give this another chance and if he does you need to see some sort of improvement. Then what you need to do is in your own head, life, whatever give him so many days in order to make and keep these improvements. Because you can't just wait around for him either.

[vishna]

This is definitely the first relationship both of us were looking at long term plans after I graduate. :/ and looking at houses, stuff like that

[akadatank44]

Sorry to hear that hun! 😕 Holla if you need anything... well that's a lie xD but if you want someone to talk to!

[madhatters4]

i think there are a few things.
1. you want him to communicate with you like he would someone in a relationship but you guys aren't in a relationship so you become less of a priority
2. you've told him to move on
3. he seems relatively busy
4. he's never been a good communicator

so i think you've put him in a tough spot. you're asking a bad communicator to be a good communicator despite not having the added benefit and weight of being in a relationship with you... so i think he's simply not communicating well and not feeling as obligated to be available to communicate since you two aren't together

[madhatters4]

thanks for MHO

[lovelyhoneybones]

Why are you worried about HIM becoming distant when YOU broke things off? That's the problem with a lot of people, they don't know what they want. If you told him it's over, then you knowingly accepted everything that came with that. Which is losing him. It's hard, but it's something you have to deal with. Especially since you bought it upon yourself.

[vishna]

The thing is, he's made it clear over and over that he wants it to work and that he wants to get back together. (and he is visibly hurt when I tell him that might not be the case) So, my confusion is-why say you want to get back together if he won't change?

[lovelyhoneybones]

Some people just aren't willing to change no matter how badly they want something. If he isn't who you want to be with, you have to move on. Even if it hurts him. He needs to move on as well.

[ladsin]

In sorry Hun, I don't know exactly what he's feeling, but I've been in a similar situation to him before. My partner broke up with me and then wanted to get back together within a few days. I was very confused and hurt, and didn't know what to think. He's probably in a similar situation and when he doesn't know what to think he just withdraws because it's easier than putting yourself back out there to be hurt.

Just take your time, be patient and realize that no matter what everything will work out in the end

[BellePepper]

You have to accept that he's never going change. Like you couldn't change him in a relationship and you can't change him out of one.

That said He hasn't come to the same conclusions you have so he doesn't get why you changed things. You have to give him time and space to work through those issues and it's normal that he wouldn't be emotionally available until he gets there.

[NatashaJ]

Well, clearly it wasn't meant to be or he wouldn't act the way he does.

[BellePepper]

@NatashaJ This too for sure.

[Brinkbabe91]

Honestly you sound like you are expecting him to treat you like you are still together and he is confused as to why you want that if you dumped him. It isn't fair to him to dump him and then still expect him to communicate like you are still together. That level of communication is for a relationship which you guys are not in. So he isn't even really ghosting you he is just trying to live his life without a girlfriend because you ARE NOT TOGETHER. So if he wants to play video games, talk to other girls or whatever he can do it because you are not his boss anymore.

[vishna]

I really don't. My schedule has always been busier than his, and I gave him time when I should have focused on other things. He says he wants to work it out, but there is no sacrifice or improvement in communication.

[Brinkbabe91]

Why should he improve communication if you aren't together though? If I was him I wouldn't even try unless we got back together. No point in "working on things" if you aren't actually together. Just looking at it from his point of view.

[vishna]

Because he says he wants to get back together, and gets mad when he perceives me as "hurting him" He is saying he wants to get back together. But nothing is changing to indicate that... that's why I'm confused.

[vishna]

I know it's confusing and very black and white when it's not going on in your life. I see where you're coming from.

[Brinkbabe91]

It isn't confusing at all. You aren't together so he doesn't need to work things out with you. He doesn't have to. Just quit waiting for him to change and cater to you when you aren't even together. Simple.

[Sonjita]

@Brinkbabe91 I totally agree with you.
@vishna wtf do you, girl, expect from him? you dumped him, if he has any pride, he won't be chasing you after that... and maybe he's happy with his single life.

[vishna]

@Sonjita If you choose not to read all the text or if you choose to make up things based off your character-I don't see why you would comment?

[Sonjita]

I read it all. I gave you my opinion, now you do as you wish.

[kelvinmed]

Aw I hope things get better for you 😕. If you really feel the communication is holding back the relationship, try voicing that concern and make that "your demand" for getting back.

I guess I have that issue with someone, communication is lacking but it's also my fault

[SovereignessofVamps]

You said he hasn't changed... so is he really acting that differently from how he did before? It sounds like you want him to try more, and get back together with you by putting lots of effort in himself. But he's the same guy.

[SovereignessofVamps]

It's good you're broken up, I think. Now no more run around.

[OrdinaryGentleman]

https://i.imgur.com/MlPw7Tt.jpg

[vishna]

lol shhhhhhhhhhh, sassy Geralt isn't helping

[OrdinaryGentleman]

He iz tho :3

[vishna]

he really is, digital eye candy

[OrdinaryGentleman]

Yu are?

[Toad-1]

Uhhh wow, how did I just see this now? I had no idea!

Wow I'm sorry Vishna. Of your options I'm going with two, he's busy but I also think he's very confused with how to communicate with you. Maybe confused about his emotions as well. Maybe the break just threw his emotions into chaos and so his actions are irrational as a result? I think I would be if the break was sudden. He may not be sure how to deal with it.

Either case though, I'm here for ya if you need to talk. 😘

[vishna]

thanks, I think he's busy too, plus, the extra time is nice for once and the ability to focus on only yourself. It's the saying one thing (I want to get back together) and doing another (a lot of run around and 'should haves') that confuse me :/
I think I know for sure now that in his heart, he wants to be with me. He just doesn't have the insight or ability to communicate like I need.

[Toad-1]

Yeah and I agree with some others here that it's how he is and I guess it just isn't enough for your needs to be met. He won't change. I'm not sure it can work out again if that's the case. I mean you could try again but you'll just be back at square one again with the communication issue.

[vishna]

Yea-we're having a really deep convo now :/ it's like, so many beautiful memories combined with incompatibility, I feel guilty sometimes for dating him, for getting myself in these feelings and him. :/ Thanks for the answer by the way.

[Toad-1]

Aww I'm sorry vishna. You can always talk to me if you wish 😘

[Anonymous]

I am sorry to hear this 😞
Is he the same man you were going to engage?

[vishna]

Yes :/ how things change.