So I’ve been asked out by this shy nerdy guy I like and I’m freaking out because no one I’ve ever like has actually liked me back. I really hope it works out between us so I’m asking what are the downfalls within a relationship so I can try to avoid them 🙈
What usually are the causes of a relationship going south?
1. The relationship was built on a poor foundation. If a relationship is built on a feeling of love/romance, or on a need for a relationship it is almost guaranteed to fall apart.
A feeling of love/romance is made up of emotions, of hormones. It has been studied probably for centuries and as a condition (that of being "in love") lasts, at the very most 18 months. After which point most couples are at each other's necks arguing or the guy pulls away, or the girl starts nagging the guy to change, etc etc. SO... until a relationship has a solid foundation based on the way in which two people genuinely compliment and are able to support each other, don't look for, and even avoid a sense of being in love.
2. Guys feeling like their partner doesn't respect them, and girls feeling like their partner doesn't love them.
probably 60% of the time, give or take about 10%... guys cheat not because they thought the other girl was prettier or more beautiful or whatever than their current partner, but because she seems to respect him far more than his current partner. Guys get fed up when their gfs mother them, nagging them about their clothes, and their messes, etc. making them feel like children. Men crave respect, it's part of our nature. Pretty much the same goes for women but in regards to love rather than respect. Not to say both aren't necessary for both parties in a relationship, but the language of most guys is respect so they will automatically show it (unless they're just assholes). Likewise love is natural for most women so it's almost never what a guy is missing out on or craves.
Basically, always be willing to listen to your man and be willing to ask if he feels disrespected by something intentionally or unintentionally.
Anyways, rather than giving a list of reasons people break up I figured I should talk about what I see as the most common sources for them. Hopefully this helps :)
This is wrong. There a three drives for mating: lust, attraction, and attachment. They operate somewhat independently of one another. Lust makes you want to sleep with people. Attraction is those feelings you spoke about, that make you zero in on one person. Attachment may develop after you have been together for awhile, or it may not.
But it is wrong to say that people should not seek an attachment with individuals they are attracted to. The whole point of attraction evolutionarily is to focus your efforts on a partner who is presumably a good match, at least genetically.
@1derfulguy with all due respect I'm not speaking towards attachment. I'm speaking towards infatuation. Looking for a romantic attraction, in other words looking for that spark of emotion that results in falling in love/infatuation is dangerous as it makes it impossible for you to clearly determine the true quality of the relationship. As it is strictly caused by emotions it dissipates after approx. 18 months and often results in misery after that. The issue is not the attraction, the issue is the ROMANTIC attraction that so many see as vitally necessary. Even so physical attraction is a minor factor as well seeing as how it often develops with the growth and strengthening of an emotional bond cause by something like friendship.
I'm merely saying that romantic attraction is not going to result in a long term relationship as it often results in infatuation blinding both parties to the flaws of the other meaning that it HINDERS the ability to find a partner who might be a good match.
And I'm saying that sounds good, but it doesn't make sense. It is unlikely romantic attraction would exist unless it served an evolutionary purpose, namely to focus your efforts on one person. A long-term bond then may or may not develop, allowing the couple to raise offspring and pass on genes. But the romantic attraction likely serves the function of selecting genetically suitable partners. One potential sign of this is that women especially tend to be attracted to the "new" guy, i. e. the exotic guy who brings fresh genes into the local gene pool.
Leaving aside the science for a moment, personal experience tells me that forgoing that romantic attraction in favour of a long-term bond/attachment ends in acrimony. Of course tastes differ.
@1derfulguy whether or not it makes any evolutionary sense doesn't change that the effect of romantic attraction is infatuation leading to an inability to rightfully discern one's compatability with their partner. On the contrary I believery the purpose of falling in love/romantic attraction is more directly connected to the long history of arranged marriages based on complimentary characteristics, allowing the who might work well together to also lead a relatively content and happy life while maintaining a quality of union.
@1derfulguy And yet for millennia before now, in fact up until just a couple centuries ago it was the norm for marriages to be arranged marriages. Some were based on strategic advantage in the case of European lords and ladies, yet others, such as those seen in jewish communities arranged marriages through a match maker who would find and choose men and women who would have the sorts of personalities to work well together. Sure we always hear about the bad arranged marriages because people don't want to be forced into things, so they make it sound bad when in reality statistics show arranged marriages to end in happier couples later in life.
Again, I don't buy your premise that attraction invariably leads people to make poor choices with regards to long-term compatibility. Because the drives operate somewhat independently of one another. All my relationships have been ones primarily initiated by the woman where I didn't feel that attraction. And all have been short-lived for exactly that reason: I wasn't feeling it. Sure, I grew attached to those women, and it hurt like a mofo to break up. But if I had stayed, my whole life would have been unhappy. I don't think people make poor mate choices because they are blinded by attraction. I think they make poor mate choices because they take what they think they can get, and when you lack self-esteem, you shortchange yourself.
@1derfulguy Believe what you will... it won't change what has been found by numerous psychological studies showing that falling in love is a cognitive state wherein the logic centers of your brain are shut off when considering one's significant other. It has been shown to blind people to their partner's flaws with the minimum affect being diminished awareness of partner's flaws or total acceptance of them... until the effects of said infatuation wear off. The infatuation wearing off is often referred to as "disillusionment." This is why most relationships die out after a year or two. They hit the time limit on the "being in love" again being a psychological condition shown to last between 12-18 months.
You seem unable to separate the two stages: attraction and attachment. It's not a case of choosing one or the other. It's a case of two qualifications that should be met: 1) Am I attracted to the person? 2) Do we develop an attachment to each other? It's a two-stage rocket. You need both.
@1derfulguy But you don't though... I had a very satisfying relationship with a girl for nearly two years. We'd known each other for quite a while and she was my best friend. Initially I felt no physical attraction towards her. But that came with time. Likewise I managed to avoid infatuation for long enough that I could see we really did work well together. Had it worked out we both would have been very happy. As it turns out I realized her other best friend would simply be better for her than I would. You don't NEED either of the things you described. They're nice in their time and place but they are not needed I'm afraid.
The biggest one is a lack of open, honest communication.
This guy - and ANY guy - is imperfect. We all have human weaknesses and we all make mistakes. Most are pretty small and insignificant in the greater scheme of life, but if you freak out about them, he won't want to be open and honest with you, and your relationship will be doomed.
You aren't perfect either, so set an example and admit when you are wrong with him, and keep the honesty flowing.
It's WAY easier to deal with problems you know about than ones you are hiding from each other.
Keep an open mind and don't rush to judgment unless it's something REALLY serious. What seems like a huge issue today will be forgotten in a month, so maintain your perspective and if you have any questions, ASK HIM! Don't let yourself over think - ASK him and LISTEN to his answers, and encourage him to do the same with you.
Lack of communication is number one. There are right ways to communicate, and there are really wrong ways. Look up some articles on it. Trying to change the other person is a major no no as well. Having different plans for life may be an issue as well. Ask deep questions early and see where you may fit and where it's absolutely just not happening. Might save you wasted time.
0
0 Reply
Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
Cheating, the ultimate deal breaker. But what exactly is your question when you say down falls?
Cheating , poor communication, lac of respect for each other (this is mostly a character flaw), lack of compatibility (often not recognized for awhile), drug/alcohol abuse, money problems.
Many great points. I would have to add the easier the relationship is, the better it is. If you really have to struggle and work hard to keep things interesting or you find yourself almost acting like a different person to maintain the relationship, then it is only a matter of time until the end. So as long as you both can be yourselves and actually being together makes you happy and a better person, the relationship is actually self-sustaining at that point and there is a great chance it will be success. Imagine the point where you are both just spending a lazy Sunday together doing absolutely nothing, going nowhere but totally happy to be together! If you feel that way, it will last! If you feel totally bored and actually would rather be alone or like you are wasting your time, this is a red flag.
A) Bad communication (frequent arguments, no comunication).
B) Lack of "reciprocity" (is not the same as doing a favour. It's feeling loved and been able to love back in different ways).
C) Fear, insecurity..( is a fact that if you don't like yourself you'll not have the initiative to work things out in a 100%, and you might actually self sabotage your actual or potential relationship, saying "why she/he is with me", "I hate my body".. Etc.
All those fears and insecurities can harm and ruin anyone sex life, and in a couple relationship as we know, what goes wrong in the bed room might be going wrong over all the house).
Communication, trust, and honesty. Those things come with maturity. You have to be able to explicitly state your feelings, communicate your thoughts, expectations, and desires, and go into a relationship with both people knowing what they want from each other. Be vulnerable, be mature, communicate.
Stop trying to tear it down before it's happened. You premeditate murder not a relationship. Be yourself, let the relationship develop organically so you know how you really feel, not how you're supposed to feel after you already made wedding cards.
Accept that nobody is perfect. Communicate when there is an issue. Don't make mountains out of molehills. Don't jump to conclusions. Remember that it's a two way street and you both need to make an effort for it to work. Best wishes.
Be absolutely open, honest and self assured in what you want out of the relationship. And explain to him you want the same from him in the interest of the relationship.
Overthinking things which you are doing right now. Also too much drama will make things goes south, and how do you get too much drama? With overthinking things...
For me it was lack of intimacy that destroyed everything. you would be surprised how destructive it can be. What is the point of dating when you start looking at you partner and see a friend rather than a lover?
You just gotta hope you're both compatible, patient, loyal and open minded.
1
0 Reply
Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
Money Financial Problems, Cheating, No physical attraction, Jealousy, Age gap too big, Nothing in common. Cheating is usually a result of these things.
I'm sorry, but since i don't know the root of this expression (because actually is not my mother language) i though it was funny to assume that going south means going bad or towards a worse condition. Just that sir...
Girl's Behavior 
Guy's Behavior 
Flirting 
Dating 
Relationships 
Fashion & Beauty 
Health & Fitness 
Marriage & Weddings 
Shopping & Gifts 
Technology & Internet 
Break Up & Divorce 
Education & Career 
Entertainment & Arts 
Family & Friends 
Food & Beverage 
Hobbies & Leisure 
Other 
Religion & Spirituality 
Society & Politics 
Sports 
Travel 
Trending & News 
Most Helpful Opinions