Not affectionate?

[Anonymous]

Okay so my boyfriend and I have had this converstation many times.he's not affectionate and he rarely shows emotion. I'm a very affectionate and loving person and I can't stand not having the one I love not touch me. If I want to have sex I have to pretty much beg for it. and when I ask him why won't he show affection he told me it was because of his accident and how no one was there when he needed them and I said so ur punishing me for something someone else did or didn't do.wtf? He said its hard to let people in after that happened and he just tells me see I knew you wouldn't understand. Then last night I have a friend over and she and I along time ago kind did somethings I'm not to proud of and I guess it turned him on and he told me he wants to see us go at it.and I'm like hell no what about my needs and what I want.doesnt that matter. So After that I started thinking when we are going at it.is he thinking of another girl.bc I know he wants porn and I can't compete with those girls.there skinny and really sexy and well I'm just me.and it just bothers me b.c he tells me he's very happy and want to be with me and the porn to him is just sex nothing more but yet he shouldnt have to watch that when he has me.idk.and then he doesn't even comfort me.if I say I'm leaving or whatever he says fine that's ur choice.i mean I'm not into playing kid games but I feel like I'm the only one trying in this relationship.i mean he does every once in a blue moon grab my hand and hold it when were driving in the car and give me kisses here and there but I'm doing everything in my power to make him happy and I would just like the same in return.so I guess is what I'm asking is why is he being like that.is this worth cont. the relationship? plz help.

[That-Guy]

Self esteem comes from within, the A you worked hard and studied for, the tennis player you finally were able to beat and the burn after a great workout. Those are what builds your self esteem.

In my best shouting voice: "Guys Watch PORN." --- "Girls Have Feelings!"

It's hard to gauge how little attention he's giving you or how much you need. I know that I've had experience where the girl just wanted too much attention and I wasn't ready to give her the attention that she desired. Although she wanted to emotional attention, you seem to want his attention no matter what. ie: holding hands, kissing etc.

From a guy standpoint, it sounds like you're smoothering him. If you are recalling times when he holds your hand and small physical things. I can't imagine how much you pressure him to "express his feelings."

Here's something I don't think many women understand until they get older. Opening up is not something guys practice on a week-week basis. Girls, you tell your best friend everything. What happend and how it made you feel. Guys don't do this and it's something that is not easy for us. Which is a good and bad thing.

Good: it makes us pretty easy going.

Bad: it eventually turns us into passive agressive dudes.

Btw: it sounds like he's pushing you away.

[PotatoStix]

I know I'm pretty young and it's weird that my girl is the one lacking affection for me. Honestly I'm trying to find answers on why as well.

[Shlei3]

You have a choice to make now. Some people (women and men) are not as affectionate as others are. It has to do with the way they were raise, the way their parents are, past relationships.etc. This is a difficult combo seeing as he is not very affectionate and you have low self esteem and need that affection to validate you. I'm not trying to be mean here but based off of what you said you have some low self esteem. Can you handle being in a relationship with a man that isn't very affectionate? If it will snowball into bigger problems I would say it may be time to reevaluate your relationship. In the meantime I would do some working on your self esteem. I'm sure you are a beautiful girl. Not every girl needs to look like a porn star. In fact, I don't find a lot of porn stars to be that beautiful.

Do you mean to say that he watches porn when you two are having sex?

[Asker]

No because I don't like porn..i have been cheated on and didn't grow up with my parents around much...i pretty much raised myself...I just need a little extra from him is all...i don't want to have the feeling I have to compete to be with him..i know he loves me but I hate the fact he even asked me to have someone else in the pic. and its not for him to sleep with but just for him to watch..ya know

[Shlei3]

It's a fantasy of his. I don't think he is fantasizing about other women when he is with you. Now, if you need a little extra and you have already talked to him about it then that is all you can do. You can either choose to stay or to go. I think personally that you should work on your self esteem and then go from there. I'm sorry but you needing him to show a lot of affection tells me you need it for validation. If you still feel the same way after working on your self esteem then you may need

[Shlei3]

To move on. You know he loves you. Tell him that you know that he loves you and that all you are asking is for a little more affection. Again if you have said this already then it's time to make a decision after you have worked on your self esteem. Being cheated on and not having your parents around add to your low self esteem. Do you exercise?

[Asker]

Thanks for your advice...i really appreciate it. what can I do to work on my self esteem. I love who I am as a person...i think I'm beautiful what more can I do?

[Shlei3]

Can you honestly say that you have great self esteem? If so why did you say : "So After that I started thinking when we are going at it.is he thinking of another girl.bc I know he wants porn and I can't compete with those girls.there skinny and really sexy and well I'm just me."

Again, do you exercise (this is not about fat by the way)?

[Asker]

Yes I do. Its my stress reliever lol..

[That-Guy]

Great advice here

[Shlei3]

How often do you exercise? Honestly, what are things you think you could work on? What are things you excel at? There's a point to me asking you these questions.