So I’m 22 and my girlfriend is 20 and we’ve been dating for about a year now. Everything seems to be going great for us but then my girlfriend asked if we could get married. She said that she wants to get married to prove our commitment to each other and that I loved her. I then tried explaining to her why the idea of marriage seems pointless to me and that we don’t need a ceremony to prove our commitment when we already do that everyday. I also told her that people divorce and cheat in marriages anyways. However, she is still convinced that we should. I just don’t know what to say to her at this point. I love her very much and I always try to let her know that at times. I just don’t know how to make her see why marriage is just pointless.
My girlfriend wants to get married but I don’t. What should I do?
Speaking as a guy who has been living with his girlfriend for over a decade and with whom I have three children, I understand your point. My girlfriend and I talked about marriage but we found - frankly to our surprise as we are otherwise quite traditional - that the idea turned us off.
We love what we share and we think it is natural and beautiful. The idea of an expensive ring, a big ceremony and a permission slip from the state just left us cold. (We are both Catholic and that, I have to admit, we have not totally reconciled in our own minds. We raise our kids in the Church and we attend regularly, but we don't partake of the sacraments in our church.) As I say, we love the natural instinctive bond that we share.
Your reasons, I don't mean to offend, are a little unusual. Unmarried people cheat after all, but overall I take your point. Though given that reality, you can understand why your girlfriend may not sympathize with your viewpoint and fear that you are not as committed to her as she is to you.
By the way, statistically, marriage is not pointless. As a legal matter, it will afford you certain benefits - see also Social Security survivor benefits and certain tax and other benefits that are not available to cohabiting couples. (Also, paradoxically, if you break up, you will both be better off in terms of the allocation of property, child custody, etc. For example, if you have children and break up, in some states you may never see your children again. )
As a social matter, married couples do tend to stay together longer. In that, my girlfriend and I are a statistical blip in the curve. Most live-in couples do not last. Married couples last longer and married couples who share a religious tradition last longest of all.
So, know what you are doing. With my girlfriend and I, we had to take special steps to make sure our children would be taken care of if anything happened to us. We had to set up financial arrangements and other things, not just for the kids but for each other as if something happens to one of us, the other will not get the aforementioned SS benefits, for example.
So, having given you a taste of the implications of what you are suggesting, my girlfriend and I are obviously otherwise where you are. Marriage seems artificial and contrived. It seems not only not to enhance what my girlfriend and I share, but diminish it somehow.
However, you need to ask yourself a couple of basic questions. Love means willing the good of the other as the other. So, does her happiness mean more to you than your own? Is it so important to you that you not get married that you are willing to sacrifice her happiness and security? Who matters more, here?
You can have your cake and eat it too. She gets only part of what she wants and that will fester in her mind. You are happy and up to a point, she will be too. However, she will lack that sense of trust and security and - as you get on with the daily business of life - that could fester into insecurity and resentment. It is the chance you take by putting what you want above what the person you claim to love.
This begging a bigger question. You love each other, but do you share each other's values and beliefs? That may not seem like much, but it can matter, especially when children begin to enter into the picture.
As I say, with my girlfriend it was a lucky thing. We are paradoxically both pretty traditional and conservative people. It was just we had the same totally unexpected reaction to the idea of marriage when we discussed it. (Even then, a difference I have with you, if my girlfriend wanted to get married tomorrow, I would propose in a heartbeat - and we have the biggest, grandest wedding we could afford.) As I say, neither of us expected to feel as we did.
Bottom line, there is no way to answer the question case specific. I don't know you. I don't know her and I don't know the circumstances nor am I hearing it from both sides. So any specific advice would be pointless if not outrightly unhelpful.
What you need to ask yourself is, although you love each other, do you really share the same values and beliefs? Because, believe me, over the years that will come to matter more and more. Secondly, and in some ways even more important for what it says about the nature of what you share, is your happiness more important than her's? That is not a sin, by the way. Just be honest. You love her, but like everyone, you have to balance and compromise your happiness and her's.
So best of luck. Don't be afraid to see what you see. The only thing that can be demanded of you is that you be honest with yourself and her. You will be happier in the long run, and you owe it to your girlfriend both because you care about her and because it is what you owe her as another human being.
That’s true, I will ask her why the idea of marriage is so important to her but I’m not really planning on marrying at any point of my lifetime. I’ll see how things go and she still pushes the idea then I guess we would have to break up.
Well, I hope you can work it out. Unless you are dead set against marriage on the basis of some moral principle, it seems to me - and you know my situation - that it is disproportionate to sacrifice someone you deeply care about for a simple preference. (Indeed, that may suggest that she does not mean that much to you after all. In this, "This above all, to thine own self be true...")
That, of course, is your business. That said, it would be best not to "lead her on" by staying with her if you have no intention of doing something that means much to her.
Assuming, of course, that it DOES mean something to her. If not, no problem. Best wishes.
The thing is, I know that even married couples cheat on each other and divorce so that’s why I don’t believe that it really is that important nor does it guarantee commitment. I believe that true grounds for a relationship is understanding, patience, and compromising. I’m guessing that your relationship is on these grounds and that’s why it has been stable for the both you with marriage being in the equation. I just find it funny how people get married without having any of those qualities and then wonder why their marriages aren’t working out.
Well, then again, look at the stats. My girlfriend and I are a statistical "blip in the curve." The relationships that last longer are those where the couple is married. Those that last, by far, the longest are those where the couple shares religious convictions.
Married people cheat, unmarried couples cheat more. We shape our institutions and then our institutions shape us. My girlfriend and I felt that marriage seemed too contrived and artificial and we love what we share - which also happens to include a Catholic faith as I explained, though we are not deeply religious.
Suffice to say that I don't know you and I don't know your girlfriend, so any specific advice from me would be pointless. I merely note that I sense - sub rosa - that there is a difference in values and beliefs that is pretty sharp, between you. That could be a belief system or mere insecurity on her part.
You don't like marriage because people cheat - but that does not mean that marriage is a negative, merely that in your view it is useless. What then I extrapolate from that is that her wants and needs and beliefs don't seem to be as important to you as something that does not seem to matter that much to you one way or the other.
Believe me, I wish you and your girlfriend nothing but happiness. However, I must say, you don't seem to have the makings of a very firm foundation to your relationship.
That sounds like a pretty big difference in opinion. I would talk to her about how you feel and try and really listen to her side and see if you can understand why she wants what she wants. Ultimately, don't do anything you're uncomfortable with just for the sake of staying together. I have seen far too many men get married for the wrong reason. If your relationship will only survive if you're betraying yourself, it is not the one you should be in.
“If your relationship will only survive if you’re betraying yourself, it is not the relationship you want to be in” best advice I’ve heard. I can understand why she wants to get married but I have my reasons why I don’t see it as necessary. I’ll discuss more about this with her and see if she can understand my views. Thanks 👍🏼.
Breakup. That's what you do let her find somebody who does want to get married. That's why you ask these questions before dating and being exclusive. She wants something stable with you. And if you don't want me to stable with her than just let her go. Marriage is pointless then why you with her. Because you're basically saying she's pointless too. She can't force you to be involved, but let her be free.
That’s not true. I value her just not marriage. Truth is our relationship pretty much already feels like a marriage so I don’t see why we have to legally prove that we are committed. I just thought she was happy to just be with me until this point. I’ll find out why she thinks marriage is so important but if she doesn’t come around then I guess we would have to break up.
No you do not. Marriage is two people. You and her. And if you had premarital sex. Guess what? You created a covenant with her illegally. You just said that you don't value marriage so just let her go. You should have told her that from day 1. It's selfish to keep a person who desires more. Marriage is important because she loves YOU. IF she didn't she would have left long ago to fool around with another guy. A woman needs marriage so that we can be our best selves.
Best to be honest than to lie to yourself. She'll feel hurt that you distrust her for more. Your relationship is not a marriage where she is obligated to stay. She owes you nothing. She should not have to come around to fit your agenda that's disrespectful to her. It's about what is right for HER. Not for you. If you feel it's not right for you, end it. No disrespect. Just do what is right for HER before she does it herself and leave you for somebldy else who will marry her and start a family. Marriage is to be a family. She wants that. But clearly you don't. And that's okay. What's not okay is to try to force somebody to want something you don't. As long as she doesn't force you, and enough she's having sex with if so, she has every right to demand. Because originally, sex was only suppose to be for a marriage. As marriage is about sex. Not happiness. So think about all that your losing and going to not benefit. If you don't trust her, that's okay. Express your worries and concerns before you make a serious commitment. But do not defraud her as you wouldn't want her to do the same. That's all I am asking of you. It's not joke. If you have to fear a government over your marriage then something is wrong. Because you and her are the only ones who can destroy it. Not man. She Is is willing to give up her singleness and life to be Yours And only YOURS. To become one with you. That's marriage.
I mean, you two are obviously on different pages. She wants to prove commitment in a much more serious and public manner, while you don't. Most likely, if you don't agree to marriage, she'll break up. If marriage bothers you that much, it's best to just go your separate ways, because unless you manage to convince her otherwise, she'll always want to get married.
True, I’m going to talk about this with her and see why she thinks marriage is so important but as I said before, I don’t really see marriage as a guarantee for commitment. She might want to marry me one day and cheat on me the next. Even in our current relationship, I know she could still do it. Hopefully we can come to an agreement, if not then looks like we would have to break up.
You're both too young to even think about marriage! Live your lives, get to know one another more, work on your careers and being stable in life before commitment. There's a right time for everything
True, but it looks like that she wants to get married at some point while I don’t. I’ll talk more about this with her and see if we reach a common ground.
Well, I don't think marriage is pointless, but it's certainly not everything either.
I know of a certain couple from my High School Senior Class, well the girl was, the guy was 4 years older than her,) anyway they have been in a "committed" relationship since she was a Freshman in High School. So that's 21 years now, and they still haven't gotten married. They are still together and own their own Fashion Photography business. she has a degree in Fashion Photography, but he is the real genius, she just works as his assistant. Anyway, they've been together for 21 years and never married, so evidently they are more loyal to one another than 99% of married people are loyal to their spouse.
The average Marriage in the U. S. ends in divorce after 2.5 years due to cheating, physical abuse, or financial hardship (#1 reason,) because the average couple spends $90,000 on the wedding, so they start in huge debt for no good or moral reason. So Holly and Boge are approaching ten times more successful relationship, in terms of longevity, than the average marriage in the U. S.
That’s what I believe. I just don’t see why people believe that marriage guarantees commitment when there’s been statistical data that shows that even married couples cheat and divorce eventually. I just don’t want to deal with the legal issues that come with divorce if me or her decided to separate at some point in a marriage.
Reading the first part of the question, I thought that the issue was that she wanted marriage immediately. I don't think a couple should get married after just one year together. I think they should be together for a year, and live together for another year or two and then get married if they still love each other after the honeymoon phase of the relationship.
However, it seems you don't want to get married at all. Without knowing why you see marriage as pointless, I have to say that a lot of people have marriage as an inevitable milestone in a serious relationship. It has significance to them in a variety of ways. As such, not ever wanting to be married is the kind of thing you discuss before you become a couple, like your position on wanting (or not wanting) children. Wanting a serious relationship, but without eventual marriage is still rare. No matter how much you show you love her, she (and other people) will always feel in some way that you're not really that serious about her. I think you guys should talk about it and work out a compromise.
I see your point, that’s probably what she thinks too. But as I said before, even couples in marriages cheat on each other and divorce and I also just don’t want to deal with the legal repercussions if she ever decides to jump ship on the marriage. I’ll discuss more about this with her and see where it goes.
If she needs a wedding ring to prove your love to her then she likely has some emotional issues that she needs to work through. Hold your ground and do NOT get married. If she leaves you because of it then you'll know everything you needed to know about her. Good luck.
That might be true. I’ll talk more about this with and understand why marriage is important to her however, I don’t see it as necessary and I’m not planning on getting married at any point in my lifetime.
You're a smart man! My respect! What will be that will be. At least now you have discovered, that your relationship is coming to an end as with all things in life. Get ready. It will be bumpy! A new (single) chapter will begin for you soon.
"She said that she wants to get married to prove our commitment to each other and that I loved her."
As you already know It doesn't prove anything. Next she'll want kids to prove you're serious about her. Or a very expensive engagement ring worth minimum 5-digits price tag to prove your love. Not with your everyday and special occasion actions.
Marriage complicates things and is beneficial only for the government, the business and women.
way WAY to young. If you don't want to and she won't really listen well > want marriage + do not want marriage = Divorce. Being in love? Isn't it about compromise, listening, being open and honest, supportive and many many more things. It's not about "I want" and not listening to your partners opinions and feelings. Don't confuse love with love with unwanted conditions. Your young, 22 omg, do not just forgo what is important to you and who you are, what your hopes and beliefs are. You love her but that doesn't mean you have to agree. Good luck
You are way too young to get married. At your ages, there is an extremely high chance of divorce.
What you can tell her is that marriage is a business partnership with a government-defined operating agreement. It does nothing for how you relate personally or feel for each other.
Then say that you are willing to get married one month after she turns 25, provided you together have saved enough money for a downpayment on a house and have no debts.
Just get married. You guys can do a civil marriage, these don't cost much.
"The standard marriage license fee is $93.50 and includes a 3-day waiting period before a marriage ceremony can be performed. Fees are payable by cash, cashier's check, or money order. Make payable to the Clerk of Courts. No business or personal checks will be accepted."
If you don't have the benjamins now, the two of you can do a proper wedding at some other date, when you do.
But I do agree, the both of you are too young to get married. A year of dating is way too soon. But like you said, you can always get a divorce.
If you don’t want to get married just keep saying no. She’ll probably eventually break up because of it but if you disagree over this issue you shouldn’t really be together. Personally I don’t see the point of getting married unless you want kids.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
You don't have to believe in the idea of marriage, just do it for her because she believes in it. Be open, maybe she sees a point in marriage. Doesn't mean you have to see a point in doing things. We don't realize it but we all do pointless shit everyday if you think about it. Just see it as a regular get-together alright? Invite your friends and family, spend time with them all, there's no harm in it. Just do THAT in the name of marriage! It'll make her happy!
It may be pointless to you, but it’s important to her and she’s important to you. If you’re not ready then wait, but if it’s just that marriage is more important to her than you but you’re committed to her, I say do it.
Get ready to break up and find someone else that's not in a hurry to get married because it's not going to be good from there on out. She probably doesn't necessarily even want to marry you she just wants to get married for the fact of being married so she can have a baby cuz her friends getting married and having a baby because that's a little out of women think that they just need to have a baby to have a baby but they don't stay babies forever some of them grow up to be assholes
You are pretty young to be marrying. What's her hurry? Young marriages are less successful than later marriages. If she can't wait and you aren't ready, then let her go.
I’m not planning on getting married at any point in my lifetime but I still value our relationship and I’m committed to it already that’s why I don’t see why marriage is necessary.
She'll find someone who does. You lose. And your assumptions are ill-founded. But you'll never get that, at at least not for a few more years. Consider yourself lucky she even likes you. Likely she's several status grades above you.
Marry her dummy, it shows that it isn't a boyfriend and girlfriend thing anymore but something that needs more commitment. If you love her but don't want a ceremony, just do it legally -- it does not have to be big!
1
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
Why is she even thinking of marriage when you guys have only been dating a year I think that is way too soon and way too pushy either way juat be honest with her about the way you feel about marriage there is no point beating around the bush
If she wants to marry you, that's fine, but marriage is not proof of commitment. It's a declaration of intent based on the commitment that's already there.
Way to young buddy the chances of it working out are very small. You should be planing a vacation to travel far away and enjoy your life and youth not ending your youth and chance of doing things you want to without her.
Tell her in the USA marriage is raw deal for men. Therefore, if she wants to get married the two of you should emigrate to Iran, India, or some other man friendly country and for her to first select which country she wants to emigrate to.
@Shellyworld Of course. Otherwise, after marriage, he would still be subject to USA laws. Regardless, he shouldn't argue with her or make further attempts to explain because there is nothing he can say that will change her mind because she knows what she wants and will settle for nothing less.
Marriage is more attractive to women because divorce is a potential compensation rather than consequence of it being a mistake. This isn't really a discussion you can have because there is no way to see it from each others point of view.
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