Speaking as a guy who has been living with his girlfriend for over a decade and with whom I have three children, I understand your point. My girlfriend and I talked about marriage but we found - frankly to our surprise as we are otherwise quite traditional - that the idea turned us off.
We love what we share and we think it is natural and beautiful. The idea of an expensive ring, a big ceremony and a permission slip from the state just left us cold. (We are both Catholic and that, I have to admit, we have not totally reconciled in our own minds. We raise our kids in the Church and we attend regularly, but we don't partake of the sacraments in our church.) As I say, we love the natural instinctive bond that we share.
Your reasons, I don't mean to offend, are a little unusual. Unmarried people cheat after all, but overall I take your point. Though given that reality, you can understand why your girlfriend may not sympathize with your viewpoint and fear that you are not as committed to her as she is to you.
By the way, statistically, marriage is not pointless. As a legal matter, it will afford you certain benefits - see also Social Security survivor benefits and certain tax and other benefits that are not available to cohabiting couples. (Also, paradoxically, if you break up, you will both be better off in terms of the allocation of property, child custody, etc. For example, if you have children and break up, in some states you may never see your children again. )
As a social matter, married couples do tend to stay together longer. In that, my girlfriend and I are a statistical blip in the curve. Most live-in couples do not last. Married couples last longer and married couples who share a religious tradition last longest of all.
So, know what you are doing. With my girlfriend and I, we had to take special steps to make sure our children would be taken care of if anything happened to us. We had to set up financial arrangements and other things, not just for the kids but for each other as if something happens to one of us, the other will not get the aforementioned SS benefits, for example.
So, having given you a taste of the implications of what you are suggesting, my girlfriend and I are obviously otherwise where you are. Marriage seems artificial and contrived. It seems not only not to enhance what my girlfriend and I share, but diminish it somehow.
However, you need to ask yourself a couple of basic questions. Love means willing the good of the other as the other. So, does her happiness mean more to you than your own? Is it so important to you that you not get married that you are willing to sacrifice her happiness and security? Who matters more, here?
You can have your cake and eat it too. She gets only part of what she wants and that will fester in her mind. You are happy and up to a point, she will be too. However, she will lack that sense of trust and security and - as you get on with the daily business of life - that could fester into insecurity and resentment. It is the chance you take by putting what you want above what the person you claim to love.
This begging a bigger question. You love each other, but do you share each other's values and beliefs? That may not seem like much, but it can matter, especially when children begin to enter into the picture.
As I say, with my girlfriend it was a lucky thing. We are paradoxically both pretty traditional and conservative people. It was just we had the same totally unexpected reaction to the idea of marriage when we discussed it. (Even then, a difference I have with you, if my girlfriend wanted to get married tomorrow, I would propose in a heartbeat - and we have the biggest, grandest wedding we could afford.) As I say, neither of us expected to feel as we did.
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Tell her you’ll have a non legally binding marriage because you love her, not the government
That sounds like a pretty big difference in opinion. I would talk to her about how you feel and try and really listen to her side and see if you can understand why she wants what she wants. Ultimately, don't do anything you're uncomfortable with just for the sake of staying together. I have seen far too many men get married for the wrong reason. If your relationship will only survive if you're betraying yourself, it is not the one you should be in.
Breakup. That's what you do let her find somebody who does want to get married. That's why you ask these questions before dating and being exclusive. She wants something stable with you. And if you don't want me to stable with her than just let her go. Marriage is pointless then why you with her. Because you're basically saying she's pointless too. She can't force you to be involved, but let her be free.
I mean, you two are obviously on different pages. She wants to prove commitment in a much more serious and public manner, while you don't. Most likely, if you don't agree to marriage, she'll break up. If marriage bothers you that much, it's best to just go your separate ways, because unless you manage to convince her otherwise, she'll always want to get married.
You're both too young to even think about marriage! Live your lives, get to know one another more, work on your careers and being stable in life before commitment. There's a right time for everything
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Well, I don't think marriage is pointless, but it's certainly not everything either.
I know of a certain couple from my High School Senior Class, well the girl was, the guy was 4 years older than her,) anyway they have been in a "committed" relationship since she was a Freshman in High School. So that's 21 years now, and they still haven't gotten married. They are still together and own their own Fashion Photography business. she has a degree in Fashion Photography, but he is the real genius, she just works as his assistant. Anyway, they've been together for 21 years and never married, so evidently they are more loyal to one another than 99% of married people are loyal to their spouse.
The average Marriage in the U. S. ends in divorce after 2.5 years due to cheating, physical abuse, or financial hardship (#1 reason,) because the average couple spends $90,000 on the wedding, so they start in huge debt for no good or moral reason. So Holly and Boge are approaching ten times more successful relationship, in terms of longevity, than the average marriage in the U. S.Reading the first part of the question, I thought that the issue was that she wanted marriage immediately. I don't think a couple should get married after just one year together. I think they should be together for a year, and live together for another year or two and then get married if they still love each other after the honeymoon phase of the relationship.
However, it seems you don't want to get married at all. Without knowing why you see marriage as pointless, I have to say that a lot of people have marriage as an inevitable milestone in a serious relationship. It has significance to them in a variety of ways. As such, not ever wanting to be married is the kind of thing you discuss before you become a couple, like your position on wanting (or not wanting) children. Wanting a serious relationship, but without eventual marriage is still rare. No matter how much you show you love her, she (and other people) will always feel in some way that you're not really that serious about her. I think you guys should talk about it and work out a compromise.If she needs a wedding ring to prove your love to her then she likely has some emotional issues that she needs to work through. Hold your ground and do NOT get married. If she leaves you because of it then you'll know everything you needed to know about her. Good luck.
You're a smart man! My respect!
What will be that will be.
At least now you have discovered, that your relationship is coming to an end as with all things in life. Get ready. It will be bumpy! A new (single) chapter will begin for you soon.
"She said that she wants to get married to prove our commitment to each other and that I loved her."
As you already know It doesn't prove anything. Next she'll want kids to prove you're serious about her. Or a very expensive engagement ring worth minimum 5-digits price tag to prove your love. Not with your everyday and special occasion actions.
Marriage complicates things and is beneficial only for the government, the business and women.way WAY to young. If you don't want to and she won't really listen well > want marriage + do not want marriage = Divorce. Being in love? Isn't it about compromise, listening, being open and honest, supportive and many many more things. It's not about "I want" and not listening to your partners opinions and feelings. Don't confuse love with love with unwanted conditions. Your young, 22 omg, do not just forgo what is important to you and who you are, what your hopes and beliefs are. You love her but that doesn't mean you have to agree. Good luck
You are way too young to get married. At your ages, there is an extremely high chance of divorce.
What you can tell her is that marriage is a business partnership with a government-defined operating agreement. It does nothing for how you relate personally or feel for each other.
Then say that you are willing to get married one month after she turns 25, provided you together have saved enough money for a downpayment on a house and have no debts.Just get married. You guys can do a civil marriage, these don't cost much.
"The standard marriage license fee is $93.50 and includes a 3-day waiting period before a marriage ceremony can be performed. Fees are payable by cash, cashier's check, or money order. Make payable to the Clerk of Courts. No business or personal checks will be accepted."
If you don't have the benjamins now, the two of you can do a proper wedding at some other date, when you do.
But I do agree, the both of you are too young to get married. A year of dating is way too soon. But like you said, you can always get a divorce.If you don’t want to get married just keep saying no. She’ll probably eventually break up because of it but if you disagree over this issue you shouldn’t really be together. Personally I don’t see the point of getting married unless you want kids.
You don't have to believe in the idea of marriage, just do it for her because she believes in it. Be open, maybe she sees a point in marriage. Doesn't mean you have to see a point in doing things. We don't realize it but we all do pointless shit everyday if you think about it. Just see it as a regular get-together alright? Invite your friends and family, spend time with them all, there's no harm in it. Just do THAT in the name of marriage! It'll make her happy!
Find out her biggest motivation for marriage; religion, family, party, ring, etc. Once you know what is/not negotiable, you can try to compromise.
It may be pointless to you, but it’s important to her and she’s important to you. If you’re not ready then wait, but if it’s just that marriage is more important to her than you but you’re committed to her, I say do it.
Get ready to break up and find someone else that's not in a hurry to get married because it's not going to be good from there on out. She probably doesn't necessarily even want to marry you she just wants to get married for the fact of being married so she can have a baby cuz her friends getting married and having a baby because that's a little out of women think that they just need to have a baby to have a baby but they don't stay babies forever some of them grow up to be assholes
"Get married to prove our commitment."
Like that fucking proves anything.You are pretty young to be marrying. What's her hurry? Young marriages are less successful than later marriages. If she can't wait and you aren't ready, then let her go.
If she wants to marry you, that's fine, but marriage is not proof of commitment. It's a declaration of intent based on the commitment that's already there.
so is it that you aren't ready to get married or you just dont want to at all?
She'll find someone who does. You lose.
And your assumptions are ill-founded. But you'll never get that, at at least not for a few more years.
Consider yourself lucky she even likes you. Likely she's several status grades above you.Marry her dummy, it shows that it isn't a boyfriend and girlfriend thing anymore but something that needs more commitment. If you love her but don't want a ceremony, just do it legally -- it does not have to be big!
Why is she even thinking of marriage when you guys have only been dating a year I think that is way too soon and way too pushy either way juat be honest with her about the way you feel about marriage there is no point beating around the bush
Way to young buddy the chances of it working out are very small. You should be planing a vacation to travel far away and enjoy your life and youth not ending your youth and chance of doing things you want to without her.
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