How do you deal with damaged women when it comes to relationships and dating?

[Anonymous]

“damaged women” meaning, women who have experienced a wide variety of negative situations, interactions, or experiences in their life that has caused them to do one or a few of the following

-Early sexual interactions
-Sexually prolific or promiscuous behavior
-Drug usage
-Disrespectful or hostile treatment towards individuals

This is certainly not an exhaustive list

Some causes of the above may be one or a mix of the following

-Negative experiences with men
-Absentee or abusive mother or father, possibly both mother and father
-Poor peer influence
-Biology

[Alice2398]

Id say avoid but everyone deserves love and if you really love a girl who's been through hardships you've gotta really go for it. It's a lot of hard work and you will have to be very careful in the way you treat her.

. Don't try to fix her let her do it by herself

. Get her to open up about everything once you to are in a healthy, stable, trusting relationship

. Take her on fun dates to places that dont have alcohol or drugs near by. Somethings peaceful like horse back riding, long walk, roller staking for example.

. Make her laugh like she's never laughed before laughter is amazing it can bring people closer together and is great when feeling down. It can also make her see things in a more positive light.

. Don't act shocked when she opens up to you just play it cool and be understanding.

. Don't let her take advantage of you, sometimes when people feel weak they will cling on to the only people who are there for them and become dependent on them. Teach her to stand on her own feet and don't be afraid to be pushy to a certain limit, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind to the ones we love.

. Let her know your proud to be with her and treat her like your queen. She will be really shocked and feel really touched but you don't judge her for her past.

. Only be romantic with her on special occasions when she's least expecting it and don't go out big on it. Maybe just buy her flowers after she's had a bad day or cook dinner with her.

. Tell she's beautiful and her past makes her strong for it now. Remind her how fair she's came.

. Make her feel safe and loved when around you. Without sounding creepy almost be a father figure to her, you need to reinforce the idea of men and have a good male role model in her life something she possibly was lacking in before.

[btbc92]

Treat her with love and respect and not an enemy. You can't handle it then just move on. I'm one of them. They would rather you walk than to be with them and damn and shame how damaged they are. They know that. They don't need your judgement. And please don't make such irrational judgments. Damaged women do not mean they have all those things going on. if you notice she has that problem then don't be the cause of that problem that got her there in the first place. I think a lot of people who wants to say get them counseling and therapy Mystic you when they clearly said that they've been hurt and damage and had negative experiences. The best way to reverse that is not have all those things. Not dump them in therapy.

[liv2luv]

Having compassion for someone makes you more understanding of anothers' feelings. If you put yourself in the person's position you can see things more from their side.

[btbc92]

They don't care about compassion, they want to judge yet say they love you. It's less about being in the other people's positions. I have to do about the intent. And what he's basically asking is how they handle the situation that he put himself in. Or a question based out of thought. By the way, people dump those expectations on them. If they're seeking for relationship then they need to get help instead of getting into a relationship. But if they're not it needs to be respected instead of being condemned. And if that said person said they're not going to do any thing wrong, then they better hope that they can meet those high expectations because that person that's been damaged is going to expect them not to be everything that they say that they're not. Because people that are damaged and guarded of going to run away the moment they see something is off. They'd rather not be the cause of somebody else's pain.

[KrakenAttackin]

Right, so should he even put himself in the position to be the man in her life? If you are knowingly going into a relationship with someone who is damaged, the odds of a positive outcome are severely limited.

[btbc92]

No, it's not that. It's again, how did that person get damaged in the first place? All those things or partial? Either way, it's all about who the damaged person wanted to be. If they NEVER wanted to be a slave of their life circumstances then whoever have the strength to love and desire to love should understand that they just need love. But love the damaged person needed. If all that damaged person needs a hug, just hug them. They will fight, they will argue and do irrational things at times, but it's a reaction to hurt. You ha e to treat us like a wounded animal. We're just trying to protect ourselves.

[btbc92]

But tough love is caring and honest. It hides a heart of gold. People just can't handle being selfless because all their life they've been taught to be selfish. It's okay to admit you can't handle it. It's fine. They don't shame you for that. They just hate when you make a promise you can't keep. Some people who aren't good people, and is very toxic it's like why even bother? People will be people. Not every damaged person is bad. Some wants to change, others like being in it. At the end of the day no matter what any of us want, we can't force others to change. They have to want to change themselves and make it their responsibility to do so.

[btbc92]

He should just be mindful of why he wants to pursue and be involved with that person's life. Because it's easy to say you want to help, it's another if you can actually pull through it and you don't end up hurting yourself and that person in the end. People must know their battles. If these people tend to have very good relationships with others outside of a romantic relationship, then that's just due to problems with intimacy and I don't always mean sexual intimacy. If the issue is bullying and shunning, then naturally of course it's to do with four areas. In the problems that needs to be fixed as those that are bullying them, abusing them, and fixing the areas is where those neural Pathways that responds to healthy relationships and intimacy is damaged. Sometimes with the help of a professional. But like I always tell people, you're not having intimacy with a professional. A professional can only give advice or medication, they are not allowed to get themselves emotionally invested in you in any way shape or form or biased. That's why I always tell people be a friend first and show that you're trustworthy instead of hopping into a relationship and try to be a hero.

[KrakenAttackin]

OK, I'll buy that. I think often men are drawn to damaged women as it is in our nature to "protect". Our core DNA is to save and protect women, but this works against us with modern women.

[btbc92]

No it's not that it works against you with modern women. This is just men versus women as a whole. There's nothing wrong with a man's natural desire to protect. But even as a woman myself I'm the exact same way. I'm willing to love anybody regardless of their damages. But even I know I have my limits, and growing up in such a toxic and domestic abusive environment taught me enough that I have to be careful who I invite in my life. As I told you plenty of times before and our previous conversations. I have been bullied, sexually harassed, don't with non-consensual sexual touches, and everything else. So I dealt with the damage myself because of things evil people do. And I'm that sensitive happy-go-lucky child that always been curious of the world and have love for everyone. When when you're feeling that to an innocent in Harper, people get jealous and they wanted to tear you down. It's just a lot of Modern Men these days are very selfish and they don't want to do what needs to be done with them. The same with some women, it's just usually the woman that ends up complaining about the time and sensitive man she's dealing with. And it's either she's dealing with a damaged man who don't want her around, or she's going to deal with an abusive man that's going to slap her around.

[btbc92]

Like my close friend just told me yesterday, she don't even know what a good man is because she hasn't been shown that or had that. It doesn't mean she never wanted one, but like I told you before. God had to allow her to be in a position where she had to be forced to learn the hard way because her mindset was elsewhere. By making Reckless decisions, she already made a choice with her actions that she was not ready for a good man. So if even if a good man wanted to be in her life, he would, but she already had a mindset where she wasn't even looking at one because again she didn't know what a good man is. What you wanted what you wanted. So in turn they either went on to marry or be involved with somebody else, I moved on with life.

[btbc92]

Sadly everybody seems to forget that we're all human. And when we neglect people that we say that we love and care about, then with only hurting ourselves. Children never seem to outgrow love. But it's so strange and ironic that once somebody becomes an adult, people usually shed away that innocence for a World's damage perception of what love is. That's why this world is screwed up. We've given up on what Real Love is All In The Name Of so-called adulthood.

[crazy8000]

With experience on the topic.
I advice against it with certain behaviors issues.
It is never worth it.
Most people that try to deal with it get damaged themselves.
the rest just realize they have wasted their life, and the offspring are most likely gonna get damaged for life in the process. (that is considered careless to do and really messed up) (have meet those that have had that kind of childhood. they usually see their parents as careless, also usually decides to not get involved with children as adults)

They must get over the way they chosen to become when something did happen.
Work on their problems. many times with specialists. (before involve some in their life)

[btbc92]

Or maybe you should stay single since you know so much. I think your just one of the weak people who can't deal with it and that is your right. You cannot however tell everybody else what to do.

[btbc92]

You also must realize not everybody does even with counseling and therapy. It's not about dealing with it. It's knowing who wants something better and do better vs who don't and won't. People are toxic and end up damaged the longer you continue to live in sin and do wrong things. The one who can heal is the Lord.

[Dongtai]

I don’t. Everyone has some sort of baggage. But if that baggage keeps them from building a healthy relationship, they aren’t ready to date. I hold myself to this same standard.

I believe we all have a little damage. So in general if a woman is open about her baggage, I don’t immediately leave. I get to know her and see how she handles it. Is she projecting her pain onto me or is she working through it? Is she using me to fill a hole or is she building something special with me while working on her own problems.

If she’s working through her problems in a healthy way I just go about it how I would with a girl who wasn’t “damaged”. I’d be understanding, let her vent and comfort her whenever. But if she’s using me to suppress her problems or she’s projecting them onto me, that’s when I jump ship.

Some people aren’t in the right head space to date and that’s ok. But if they choose to date anyway, no one is responsible for that baggage and no one is obligated to take it.

[hsshannah96]

What if she isn’t trying to use you to suppress anything or project and you are misinterpreting what she’s trying to say to you

[Dongtai]

There’s ways to tell. Say she’s afraid to let her guard down or she goes to extremes to avoid repeats of the past, that’s projection. Or if she isn’t capable of being alone, so she used guys to feel accepted and loved when she doesn’t love or accept herself, that’s using.

The easiest way to tell is if the person stresses you out more than they bring you relief.

[hsshannah96]

That just might mean y’all aren’t compatible

[OlderAndWiser]

If I was in an established relationship and they were unfaithful, that would immediately be the end of the relationship. Period.

If I was in an established relationship and drug or alcohol problems emerged, I would try to help them if they were motivated to conquer those demons. If they were not motivated, my patience would quickly become exhausted.

If the relationship was new and not established, any of those behaviors would be deal breakers.

[SydneySentinel]

Every person is different... best to ask her how you can best support her. Case by case.

About the same of a damaged man--- no two are the same.

Hopefully the individual is seeking counseling to help themselves before they attempt a relationship. It takes a lot of learning and patience.

[ernest1]

Would you also recommend such beautiful approach for a guy?

[SydneySentinel]

Yes that is a response for all humans.

[ernest1]

Cool 😊

[mrfoox]

A lot of patience is needed. I recommend also generally, use verbal conformation. 'Is it okay if i/would you feel uncomfortable if I?' overall ask if you are unsure. Preferably something that can be answered yes/no on. I haven't experienced all the things above but I have my own past bad experiences, and generally I like it better when people ask me. Sometimes it can be hard to speak up or put things into words, so being asked and then just answer yes/no can be very helpful. Overall there's no easy guide to follow, there will be things you cannot help them with, there will be days they feel extra shit and remembering past events. Just be available, listen. However, be sure to listen to yourself too, your own limits. I understand you like this person, but know it's not your job to fix anyone.

[MzAsh]

Make sure you won’t just add to that list of negative experiences. Be a good dude who sets a good example for how a woman should be treated.

[Wolkmi]

But women treat well and care for damaged men? No, they probably hurt them more. Why do men have to take care of women?

[JimmyQ]

@Wolkmi Dude, when chicks come around crying about this one and that, just roll out. They are stupid hate baiters and if you hang, you'll be wrapped in their scheme before you know it.

[Apple1996]

Every women is different so you're just gonna have to get to know them and understand what might trigger them

[pervertedjester]

I usually go slower than normal when dating them. Allow them to feel comfortable opening up to you and help them understand you won't judge them for their missteps.

[akihon]

You don't, you walk the fuck away because if they are damaged then they will damage you, their illness will become yours.

Their neuroses will become your issue.

If they are damaged they really should not be allowing anybody into their lives and should be honest enough to say that they are broken and stop looking to make any other man's life a misery or make other men pay for the bs caused by one previous man.

Eating disorders
Single mothers
Mentally ill
Addictions
Unstable emotional behaviour

Any ot all of these things mark a woman as not for dating and these should be recognised and these women should get help and treatment before they start to date.

As a man then what should you do, walk away before you end up as damaged as they are.

[crazy8000]

Spot on.
Wouldn't consider single moms in itself damaged goods.

[akihon]

That's your choice but then you see any person that will say to a another, I don't want you to be a father to my child, then expect the relay to move forward and expect the man to pay for that child and raise it as his because you know, they are a package deal. Is either lying or mentally unstable to think what they are saying is going to make any logical sense.

[Sarahr123]

I had an exceptionally difficult childhood since birth and I have not taken drugs or been promiscuous. Everyone is different. My experience did result in developing chronic depression at the age of seven, referral to a psychiatrist at nine and my family didn’t want me to get help so I was discharged. I had bulimia and anorexia from age nine to thirteen and then it was just bulimia till date. I also developed body dysmorphia. I was physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused in childhood by my parents and my father’s relatives and family members. I can’t go into full detail here but it was really bad and knocked my confidence badly. I still haven’t gotten over the damage it caused me.

[kymberz]

@Sarahr123 - i am very sorry for all that you have been through. but it speaks volumes about your character that you would bother to share. thank you!

[MrOracle]

I have a zero tolerance drug policy, and a zero tolerance cheating policy, so women with those issues are going to be eliminated immediately (this really hasn't been an issue for me - I don't commit overly quickly).

I don't care if she had sex at an early age, and if she's only occasionally disrespectful, I'll probably train that out of her. If it's a constant thing, then I'll release her back into the wild to bother someone else.

Most women's issues stem from their insecurity, and I'm good at building trust and making her feel secure, and that seems to solve a lot of the problems that they might have. The rest is a case-by-case matter.

[lightbulb27]

I think you get to know her well emotionally and how well she has resolved those emotions, help guide to therapy, communicate by listening and not judging and accepting, and see if you can handle her. You could read books and do therapy type activities with her to bond better, maybe... opens communication. Spend extended time with her to see all the mood cycle and how she behaves and handles situations.

Very important to be realistic of whether you can handle her... else must be strong to let her go, else you will suffer in ways you didn't know possible. Letting go is always painful, especially if you are empathetic and want to save that woman and little child inside of her. But you are a limited human, not God. I've known a few women abused as children sexually and let me tell you, you'd better be very strong to handle their rage. Realize... it isn't just her stress, but the full stress of job, kids, wife, life.

Men have their issues, noone is perfect.

[djmzes]

Simple

There is the magic pill.
First it is the product and consequences of her choices directly or indirectly, it is to her to figure out whether she was immature wrong or etc.
Secondly you can help her only if she want to be helped and make it happen.
Her action to change is the fuel and your action to help her is the booster. The booster is nothing without the fuel.
It is simple as that.

[wingattebaby16]

I fit most these

no dad at home

mom divorced dad & step dad, dumped great bf/future step dad

physical & sexual abuse at an early age.

Sexually active teen with many partners, just looking for Love.

How does a man love me?

prove he cares with actions not words alone

constant affirmations.

Love. Affection not just raw sex.

Must communicate with me 24/7.

Acknowledge my feelings and needs to show he really cares about me.

Be there when when I need him.

Let me cry and vent vent when I need to.

Tell me ge he loves me many times a day!!

[BlackRoseFairy]

First of all not all people react the same to a negative experience. Some of us don't do any of those you mentioned and just raise up some walls. You know, be more careful, less trusting, but need more time to trust... It's different in every case.

But I would say the most important thing would be to accept someone without judging. And if you want them to elaborate on what lead to this behaviour you'd better be prepared to listen. Like actually listen. Not with prejudice and not with criticism.

Usually people who had negative experiences and were hurt in the past are looking for love and understanding... Ultimately I'd say that if you are not willing to listen and accept the other person without judging then leave her alone.
Also if your goal is to add another negative experience to the list, then try not to be a jerk, and - again - leave her alone.

[FictionalCharacter]

Here’s my experience of talking to a guy friend about this subject concerning me.

[rjroy3]

For your own sake.

You don't.

There are plenty of women with damage who don't go on to act in that way towards others. Mainly the act disrespectful and hostile towards others. You decide how you choose to respond to others. While your past days play some relevance in understanding why you are the way you are now, that doesn't justify that way of being. Even if you understand how they became who they are now, that doesn't mean you should do anything about it. That's how they're choosing to be and for what reason should you take it upon yourself to deal with that?

Because fundamentally you're suggesting you want to "fix" them when they don't want to be fixed. So how would it be a good thing for you or them, by pissing them off in an attempt to do something they don't way and didn't ask for?

[rjroy3]

When I think about how to deal with women like this. It's not in a relationship context. It's in a, they're in my environment and I'm likely to interact with them at some point. So how to best address their behavior has relevance. But I wouldn't put up with that behavior in a partner. Because in a relationship context you're essentially putting yourself in a position to be punished for the sins of others and at the same time being asked to understand them for punishing you for what others did.

[englisc]

Everybody has had a few negative experiences, and our culture is pretty toxic so we're all influenced by that to some extent when we're younger, so I guess it depends on how damaged they are.

For most of them, if they're really damaged, it's best not to deal with them in the first place.

[archiz]

If you care for said person and want to help them, you need first to understand them without judging and criticising.
Then really depending on the situation try to offer comfort and solutions if you can.
Though most really just want emotional support and don't expect you to solve anthng.
Finally you gotta encourage them towards the right steps but not force them into it.
Notice when she is making an effort and compliment her.
Also if she is opening up to you more, thank her for trusting you and comfort her.

[Carbon-12]

Somtimes you just have to walk away from a person till they have sorted themselves out.
If these things, for the most part, are in her past the most important thing is to be patient.
I don't want to go into detail, but I might be what you considered "damaged". I don't see it that way, I am still a person even if I do not have all positive experiences in life. If you consider them to be damaged, as in not whole, you my need to consider if you would be good for them.
If you do decide to date them, again be patient. Because of my past the idea of having sex makes me very uncomfortable. When I do finally do the deed, I am going to need somone who is willing to take it slow and not pressure me.

Everyone has their problems, be mindful of that and you shold be fine.

[ManOnFire]

It was complicated. One of my old girlfriends from Central America had been kidnapped and raped in her country when she was a teen, and it wasn't until she came out and told me about it that I understood why she was like the way she was. She had issues that I think went deeper than maybe even she herself ever realized.

[FatherJack]

I don't let any woman into my life , other than as platonic , arms length friends only. I have had past experiences of " damaged " women , and they are to be avoided like the Corona virus , they are too much stress and drama , unless they are GENUINELY willing to at least make some effort to help themselves , then a possibility , but very few make this effort. Genders reversed , no woman would tolerate a " broken " man , he would never even get anywhere near the date stage , let alone a relationship !!

[The1Guy]

Try not to get involved. I always say start with bettering yourself.

Women and men in those situations have to actively seak a way out to gain my attention.

Otherwise it's pointless to get involved. It's more likely that he or she will drag you down, than you will lift them up.

If you frequently find yourself in the company of damaged people, who don't actively seek to better themselves it says just as much about you. So start with yourself.