My boyfriend wants me to go with him to his hometown next week but there's some tension because he just told me he never wants to get married? What do I do?

Question

I'm so confused right now. I would be meeting his family if I go.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I was like this when me and my girlfriend first met, but eventually I changed my mind.

The trouble is that women don't really understand what a guy means when he says that he doesn't want to get married, so while my mind has changed since, I'll explain to you why I thought that way. You probably need to have a chat with him about this because you might be taking it the wrong way.

It had absolutely nothing to do with me not wanting to commit to the woman, which is what most women take it to mean. They think that if he doesn't want to get married it's because he wants to keep the relationship casual.

I think that women are raised to think differently about marriage. Many young girls dream of the day they get married, their own fairy tale wedding, and then perhaps raising a family and living happily ever after. Young boys aren't. We dream about other things we're gonna do. I don't mean being manwhores and shagging about, just what we're gonna do when we grow up.

Then we get older, and as teens perhaps, we do start to think about marriage and we have those romantic ideas, not as much as girls do but a little bit. But then we see people getting divorced all over the place, the majority of divorces being initiated by women. Perhaps we come from broken homes ourselves. We wonder why people make such a big deal over how marriage creates stability and makes people work on their relationships, when we see this all over the place.

We turn on the TV. We see how husbands are portrayed in TV shows, movies etc. Most often they're portrayed as emasculated, bumbling idiots under the thumbs of their wives. I suspect that this is deliberate actually, this portrayal, but I won't go into that right now. We see men like this in real life too, the kinds of guys who whenever they plan to do anything say that they "need to ask the boss first". That's off-putting too.

All of these things contribute to a man's views on marriage. We begin to see it as a meaningless thing, just a piece of paper and a ring. People take their vows, they vow to be together "until death so us part" and all that, and then many of them just end up divorcing because they can't be bothered. That ring has no magical powers, what makes the two people stay together is down to them, not marriage. And if they really are right for each other, why would they need that ring? If they're right for each other they're gonna stay together regardless, and if they're not right for each other and they marry they're gonna divorce anyway.

That was my perspective back then. Women, because they tend to have more romantic, idealised views on marriage having been raised that way, don't see it that way at all. And there's the disconnect.

kingofthellamas · Accepted Answer

The tension I assume is there because you've just seen a gap between what the two of you want. You want to get married he doesn't. So I think you should go but take the trip as an opportunity to chat and see where the compromise night be. Is it a deal breaker for you if he won't ever marry you? Is it a no never for him or a not until I'm 30? (If I might add in here that most men feel they loose out from getting married, girls tend to see marriage as a gain for them). Would be worth talking more broadly about men in general and what they loose when they get married versus what women see they gain. This might not be about you two, more a state of the marriage institution

Daniela1982 · Accepted Answer

Well, I guess it really depends if you want marriage or a friends with benefits relationship because unless you have that piece of paper you can get screwed, and not talking sex here. You will have nothing better than a Friends with Benefits relationship. If you are ok with shacking up with someone more power to you, but that might mean getting nothing when he dies. If you want to be made honest then this is not the guy for you. I wouldn't even bother trying to get him to change his mind. Then he would always feel he got forced into marriage. That would not be good either as far as a relationship goes.

sejla · Accepted Answer

I think it is pretty normal to meet one's boyfriend's family unless you come from a country where that means the relationship could lead to marriage. If he doesn't believe in marriage does he believe in long term life partners? You might want to see what he's thinking. If he is as you as you are he might really not know. Men tend to settle into long term relationships in the late 20s early 30s.

Paris13 · Answer

Your Steady Eddy may Not be Ready for marriage currently but Currently.. He does Want you to Meet his parents. One Never Knows how it Goes.. Hang in there, he Care. xxoo

MzAsh · Answer

Tell him that’s what wives do.

Fransizca · Answer

I personally wouldn’t want to be with him, since I dream of a marriage and if my partner can’t give me such an important moment to my life, he is not worth wasting my time.
I mean, you put a lot of effort in loving someone why can’t he do that? I think that you should try an convince. You only live once

akihon · Answer

Can somebody please explain to me why when women have faught so long and hard to destroy the family unit and reduce marriage to a basic contract and make it clear that marriage is something to do for the party, is that this is all they talk about and how they are so wounded that a man doesn't want to get married.

You've got the society you created and wanted and demanded why is it something that upsets you, are you now in the brave equal world the only one to have an opinion or are you saying that you want to be an equal as long as he does what you want.

You got the society you wanted so revel in it.

DorkVader · Answer

Assuming he is similar age? He might think 21 is too young for that kind of commitment. A lot of young people say NEVER and mean Not Right Now. How long have y'all been dating and is marriage your goal in dating this guy? If so, leave now before your heart gets anymore engaged. If not, then just date him and have fun. Why not meet his people? Could be you come to understand his aversion to marriage

Bananaman177 · Answer

Marriage has nothing to do with love.

It won't make his love any more real or any more permanent, it won't change anything but your bank accounts and your tax status. If you look at the statistics, marriage is actually more likely to ruin your relationship than make it better. More than half of all marriages end in divorce and 90% of those divorces happen within the first seven years.

If you love somebody, love 'em. If you want to be with somebody, be with 'em. If you want to have a wedding-themed party and dance and cut a cake and take photos and wear a ring, then you can do all that without a marriage certificate.

Actually getting "married," officially, is pretty old fashioned and no longer relevant to anything.

But it used to be a somewhat romantic idea, so you females just can't fucking get over it, you're like pitbulls with a toy in your mouth, somebody can chop your fucking head off and you'll still be biting down on that fucking toy.

chadpattan · Answer

It's a funny thing, this.

I don't like the legal side of marriage. It's chains. The term 'ball and chain' is absolutely accurate. It changes so much and ruins so much more these days.

But there's always that side of me that wishes, as a singer, that I could sing to her as a surprise. Conspire with her people to pretend like I stood her up at the altar, with some mysteriously covered something behind her, then break into song as I walk up to the altar and uncover the surprise (relates to the song I would choose). Film the whole thing. Create that memory.

But despite my every effort, I can't get past "the baggage" part of it.

For what it's worth, in my opinion, this is something that should be discussed very early on, to levelset expectations on both sides; this, children, jobs, etc. Hard conversations to have, but necessary to avoid awkward situations like this at the last minute.

lightbulb27 · Answer

If you trust him, then I'd go, and I'd see what his world was like and ask lots of questions.
There is nothing wrong with listening, understanding... and then stating what you expect and need... and see if there is compromise or adjustment. His statement of never married may be because of the misery he saw at home with married parents, and he doesn't want that.
Or he isn't interested in one person, or whatever. So I'd talk about it. Do you have to go... no.

Key point... you trust him and respect and value yourself. already... there is a big disconnect in perceived values and life.

fashionguy17 · Answer

Without trying to be rude, I am tired of the marriage shit. Seriously. And that is not geared towards you. I am just speaking generally. I don't get it. I really don't. A lot of women will meet a guy who has all the qualities she is looking for... but god forbid, if he doesn't want to get married, it's an instant deal breaker. That's foolish logic in my opinion.

You can still live together, raise a family together and have a very healthy relationship without marriage. I know people who are married and get divorced shortly after. I know people who are in long term relationships (not married) and have been with their partners for 10+ years.

If a guy is a good guy, he is loyal, doesn't cheat, has a great job and brings out the best in you... why does it matter if he doesn't want to get married or not? It shouldn't be a deal breaker. Most women get mad, because all they want is that extravagant wedding and a ring.

katjmj · Answer

My boyfriend knows Im terrified of marriage and settling down but he's met my entire clan and I've met his.

There's nothing wrong with meeting his family. If anything, sounds to me that you mean enough for him to be introduced and integrated to his personal circle. You get to know what kind of person he is with them and what kind of people he grew up around. THEN you decide whether he's worth all the trouble or not.

WarningWarning · Answer

Girl, does he know you want to be married? If he does and still says he doesn't want to get married... you gotta find out why he doesn't want to before you go. It may be a bad childhood or bad previous relationship. If he doesn't want to commit with vows and you do... your fundamental needs won't be met by this guy.

talloak · Answer

This is completely unfair of him. He needs to explain why he wants you to meet his family if he doesn't want to marry you. This is sure to get your hopes up, or theirs, or both. He also needs to tell you what you show say if they ask if you might marry some day. If you tell the truth, you are totally humiliated. This is setting you up for disaster.

CaptainOverthink · Answer

If you feel marriage is important you should tell him that. But like maybe he just isn't religious and don't see marriage as much more than a promise. It might not mean that he won't be with you till the end, just that he don't see the point in making it an official deal.

RHK36 · Answer

If you think it's not going to work, you probably shouldn't be going. It will be more of a messy breakup.

cth96190 · Answer

Why does your boyfriend not want to marry? Is it the grotesquely unfair marriage/divorce/child support laws?

AynonOMouse · Answer

You can have an exclusive, long term relationship, live together, and raise a family/kids together without marriage. All legal marriage is, is a way for women and the courts to abuse and steal from men. It makes perfect sense if a guy doesn't want to get married.

sh_awesome · Answer

There's nothing in wrong in meeting his family members and it could be a new turning point in your relationship, and as far as marriage is concerned, you should get to know what your guy's long term plans are if he wants to remain unmarried for life because you won't.

dthomas89 · Answer

Well, then you have to decide if it's worth sticking with a guy who just told you he doesn't want marriage, ever

I don't WANT marriage but, I'm going to do it out of spite, because i don't want my kids to be bastards. Even though I don't want kids either, but as an only child and male I HAVE to have kids

Women will NEVER, EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR understand this

Finchie40 · Answer

Tell him you want to get married 1 day so have fun visiting your family by yourself and don’t go

Unit1 · Answer

He's a smart man.  you let him be. If marriage is so essential for you, then you break up with him.

SongBird3 · Answer

If his intentions dont match yours then its best to go your separate ways

Reaperbot666 · Answer

Marriage does not mean happiness. Known many couples who never got married. Yet still stayed together for 40+ years. Most even have kids they raised together.

Belgie · Answer

If you would rather have a wedding in your life, than this man in your life, then your choice is clear.

Blueeyes81 · Answer

Take him at his word. Odds are he'll get married but just not to you. He doesn't want marriage now and he means it but someday he'll meet a woman he can't live without. That sounds harsh but it is the reality.

Browneye57 · Answer

People change their minds all the time. It's the whole entire purpose of dating.

Sensmind · Answer

Is it I only see this in the short term or I will never get married but am happy to settle down , have kids just don't believe in marriage scenario

loveslongnails · Answer

This is simple. Do YOU ever want to get married? If you do, you're just wasting time and hanging out. Would you accept a commitment without a piece of paper. If you won't, you're wasting time.

Twalli · Answer

If he wants a life partnership without marriage is that a huge problem with you? A lot of people are fine with lifelong relationships with another person and not marriage.

TienShenhan · Answer

Lots of people of this generation are letting go of the idea of marriage. Many of us see it as a liability, a gamble. And guess what? Gambling half your shit is a terrible idea. Especially once you consider the odds

Anonymous · Answer

Don't go if that's a deal breaker for you. If you're okay with no marriage in your future, do it and build the bond you both agree to be aiming for.

Mirya · Answer

First go with him and maybe something good will happen in the future, you don't know but trust me, go and it will be just fine.

kangy · Answer

then is he the guy u plan to be with if both of you have different goals?

DiscomfortZone · Answer

How long have you been together? How come this is the first you hear of something so important to your future?

Bharataraj1975 · Answer

If don't want to marry you there is no relationship with him. If u want only fun u can continue

jimmy2 · Answer

Well if he won't marry you then you 2 must work something out

JamesBlackDragon · Answer

Loving someone and having a family with someone was a thing way before marriage

RLovesD7792 · Answer

then why are you wasting your time for on a relationship you feel is a deadend

TacosRAwesome · Answer

Decide whether marriage is important to you and then proceed accordingly.

Manuel2 · Answer

I have a similar problem, she is a divorce Muslim and I am a Catholic. But it is the give and tske, and how much

Anonymous · Answer

So clearly all you want is marriage and not him as a person...

alance99 · Answer

You should talk to him about it that you want to have marriage in future

shadowlhyn · Answer

Don't waste your time in a relationship that there's no chance of commitment..

Y2KxD · Answer

Smart guy. Look up divorce court and you'll know why he doesn't want to marry.

Anonymous · Answer

Explain to him the getting married is important to you.

jeffjeffjeffjeffjeff · Answer

Is marriage really a necessity?

SarahsSummer · Answer

How long have you been together?

HOAAH · Answer

Tell him your feelings about it.

aly34 · Answer

If he is not serious, get rid of him

David_Kek · Answer

Who mentioned the idea of marriage?

Plitty-Tank · Answer

Tell him he is being unfair and don't go.

outside_Toronto · Answer

So what's the confusion?

Sabretooth · Answer

what do YOU want?

furlee33 · Answer

may be he want to only enjoy.

1828avaava1828 · Answer

🥊 😴

My boyfriend wants me to go with him to his hometown next week but there's some tension because he just told me he never wants to get married? What do I do?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

My boyfriend doesn’t want to get married, what do I do?

My boyfriend wants me to go with him to his hometown next week but there's some tension because he just told me he never wants to get married? What do I do?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

My boyfriend doesn’t want to get married, what do I do?

We're glad to see you liked this post.