My boyfriend is a good person but he's oblivious when it comes to my need of assurance. What should I do? Help a sister out?

[Anonymous]

Hi guys. I am feeling confuse at the moment so i thought maybe posting my concern here would help me. Please share your opinions on what should i do to solve this. So here goes. In my country, today is our 15th day of quarantine so i haven't been able to see my boyfriend in a long time. He's house to my house only take 5 mins drive but sadly, i have a strict parents so i can't go out. But today my mom asked me to help her to buy groceries since only 1 person is allowed to go out to buy necessary supplies per household, so i had to go. So i went to see my boyfriend before buying the stuff. Everything was fine. We cuddled for awhile and i left. Fast forward, few hours ago, i had anxiety attack, so i called my boyfriend. But he was asleep so i apologise for waking him up and just ask him to go back to sleep and i hanged up. I felt sad and of course it doesn't help when im being attacked by anxiety 🙄 so i ended up texting him that the reason i called was because i was having anxiety attack. I was having difficulty to breath and my heart was racing and tears were running down my cheecks. But he didn't respond to that part of my text and only reply to the part where i wished him goodnight and said ily. So i was feeling disappointed and mixed feelings. So my main concern here is, i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and im telling you, he's a good guy. He loves me and takes care of me, my feelings and physically. But he is stupid when it comes to being responsive to my needs of attention. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose because he dont know how to handle it or because he is just plain stupid. And I've always struggle with that. I dont ask for much. I only ask whenever i have anxiety attacks once in awhile, i just want him to tell me why he loves me to calm me down. Sing to me like he did before. Or just simply be there to listen 😞 i know you can't get everything you want in this world but these kind of assurance are important to me. What should i do guys? Please help a sister out!

Updates

+1 y

And p. s. a, im not 45 plus years old. Im 21 and i guess i forgot to change my fake birthday date on facebook lolol

[Caren-Field]

Your boyfriend likely IS oblivious to your need for assurance, and he’s not picking up on your hints, which is on you. Also, if i can reassure you: he’s not doing it on purpose and he’s not stupid.

You have a part in this... it’s your job to let him know what you need.

I recommend you acknowledge he can’t read your mind and he doesn’t know what you need when you’re upset... does she need to be sung to or listened to right now? So, you’ll have to do your part to let him know, “I’m feeling anxious, will you just listen?” And you have to ask with the understanding that if he’s not available when you need him (like when he’s sleeping) that you will soothe yourself or find another friend to help give you what you need.

But first, sometime when you’re NOT having anxiety, tell him that when you ARE feeling anxiety what he does that’s been helpful to calm you down is when he tells you why he loves you, sings to you, or he’s just simply there to listen. And then ask him if he’s willing to do that for you next time you do get anxious. Don’t be surprised if he needs something from you to be able to do that for you.

[Asker]

i do acknowledge the fact that he's oblivious to my need of attention but im not trying to be demanding or anything. rn the attention im talking about is when im having anxiety. he gives me plenty of attention when im not having attacks but almost everytime i get attacked, he just 'act' oblivious. hmm its really messing with my mind and to make it worse, i can't even talk about this to him face to face. anyway thanks for your advice. it is very helpful 😊

[Caren-Field]

I get it, and I’m sorry it’s messing with your head. If I were you, i would get my head to play with the question what if he’s not ‘acting’?

[Secret6620]

All you can do is express your wants and needs... And place healthy boundaries... If that doesn't work then I recommend therapy... If everything has failed, it's time to consider moving on. 💖

[Asker]

Thank you 😊

[Secret6620]

Of course 💖

[Avicenna]

This isn't criticism, but you need to keep in mind that you are pretty needy when it comes to wanting attention.

[Asker]

yes i do hahaha thanks man

[Iron_Man]

You require a lot of attention. Back it down take medication

[Asker]

thanks for the judgement. and yes im on meds so f. o

[Iron_Man]

Yeah you f. o not me