Is it true that men should NEVER date or marry a single mother because she is "DAMAGED GOODS"?

Question

Is it true that the child always comes first and a man will never be treated with the same attention, sex, and appreciation that single women without children can provide?

She is either single because she was the issue... or she is a single mom because the baby daddy was the issue... and if bsby daddy is the issue isn't a single mom too damaged by love to fully embrace a man in a relationship?

Unit1 · Accepted Answer

Pretty much. Not only is raising someone else's child 2 decades of work and degrading yourself (by picking up someone else's liablity) but you didn't even get to ejaculate inside her for all that.

Single mothers and single fathers can date one another instead.

Pete671 · Accepted Answer

I've dated single mums in the past and they never wanted to commit,

MzAsh · Answer

Maybe in their minds but what kind of man thinks that way to begin with? None that I would ever want to be with.

Laura_Marx · Answer

Its true that the kid will come first most of the time, I think, and this is right. But I dont know that a man should ask to come first even with a single woman. If I love her, I think, I don't care what she thinks about me. I give myself to her as a gift, unconditionally. I necessarily open myself up to heartbreak - if she rejects my gift, or if she does not reciprocate with her own. But thats the risk I'm willing to take to affirm love. I think many people approach love in the way you describe, where you begin to weigh up the pros and cons - this girl will appreciate me more, this girl has better career prospects... how many women here will say they could never date someone who is in debt, or who is unemployed, etc., and might get defensive and say 'I'm sorry but I have my future to think about...' This is surely the right way (at least the more rational way) to conduct ones life. As in the old days when an aristocrat married to secure a political alliance and satisfied his appetite with meaningless affairs... Marrying for love is a recent phenomenon, and perhaps the divorce rate should occasion suspicion of its viability. At this point we put ourselves in the same camp as those who defend arranged marriages. Your parents know whats best for the family when you're only 13 and after all it promotes social cohesion! The reason to affirm love is not that it is good for me. Its a catstrophe for me! Its terrible for my self-esteem, it distracts me from my personal goals, it introduces unnecessary problem after unnecessary problem into my life and will do so until I die. Rationally there's no reason to ever fall in love. But it doesn't work rationally- thats the trick... Love ambushes me, steers me from my cold rationality into the fiery abyss of passion. Yes, she might not love me, yes, she might not put me first, yes, she might not commit to me, yes, we might be incompatible- but I *hunger* for her, I spurn every good sense I have and stake everything on her. The greater the risk, the more stupid my choice, the greater loves poetry. Its a miracle that it ever works out, with any woman. But, it does. So I risk it all. Thats my pleasure, thats why I love - to risk it all.

Sbgirl · Answer

To be honest, I think single mothers and fathers should date each other. They understand the situation, and they both know kids are the priority. Also, the kids would be able to relate to one another. Maybe they should set up a dating site for this lol.
Also, this applies with men too. I wouldn't date a guy with a kid/s. That may sound harsh but I want my first child to be his first too. I also don't think I need to take on that responsibility when it's not my child. And to be honest, at my age, its just baggage I don't need.

Of course it is OK to date single parents, but anyone who does NEEDS to know that kids come first. If you think you should come before a person's kids, that's messed up. My parents split up as a child, due to my father's unfaithfulness. Does my mum deserve to be happy again? Absolutely. But does she need someone who understands that her children, no matter what age, come first? Yeah of course. Her partner has kids, but he's a deadbeat dad who has two kids with different women. He wants my mum all to himself and told her to stop even sending messages to me or speaking to me. In my opinion she needs someone who has had kids but also cares about them so is more understanding. My dad's girlfriend also had kids in her previous marriage; but I approve of that relationship more so because both her kids are from her ex-husband and she is an active parent.

Bottom line is, date who you want, but if its a single parent, you have to expect their child to come first, that's natural and healthy. But also remember that even if you should have your own child with someone, that child will still come first to your partner than you.

SomeGuyCalledTom · Answer

The word I take issue with is "never". Thinking in such strict, absolute terms is a sign of close-minded thinking.

That said, I think there are valid concerns around dating single mothers, such as those you mentioned.

The trick, then, would be to somehow assess whether she loved you for you-- or if she loved the familial security that you symbolically represent in her mind. It's entirely possible she's just a good, honest woman who's ready to love again. But it could also be possible she's trying to find a "replacement dad". The other issue I hear come up with guys who date single mums... is that disciplining the kids can be difficult, coz the mum doesn't wanna relinquish that control. So in effect the man in that scenario is a father in name only-- he can't exercise the same rights the biological father can, so he's always gonna be one step behind. Then there's also the fear of the kids growing up without any sense of gratitude to their "new dad"-- and perhaps even openly disrespecting him in front of the mum, without consequence.

But I wouldn't be so imprudent as to just assume these possibilities as "undisputable facts". You should judge and act on a case-by-case basis. Being a single mother, in and of itself, is not some aberration of the human spirit. There are good women, and bad women, and some single mums are good women, and some single mums are bad women. The solution is to improve your observational skills, and not get too emotionally attached before you've had a chance to assess things objectively. I'd advise as such whether a woman has kids or not.

xXSaturnXx · Answer

Nope, personally I find that quite a dumb way to go about things.

Just because a woman has kids doesn't mean she's "damaged". If you consider her children 'picking up the slack' then you're a just a bad person and honestly you shouldn't be with her anyway because those kinds of things are TAUGHT and we don't need kids being raised with that outlook on women.

If I was a single mother I would definitely not want to be with somebody that considered me 'damaged goods' just because of my kid/s.

Mistnigqa808 · Answer

I didn't use to feel that way back then, but I do now 🤷‍♂️ because the more I talked to them, the more damaged I realized that some of them are. Like usually, they're complaining about how the dude wasn't shit and or bitter about something else altogether.

And another thing you have to worry about is this, is her baby daddy alive/a free man? If so, who's to say he can't and won't come back in the picture at any given time and take her from you? I mean if she's let him fuck and knock her up once, what's stopping it from happening again?

sean1234 · Answer

unless she was raped then she is damaged goods. otherwise that woman already has a man... the man that gave her, her baby. one girl i knew was damaged goods even though she was raped, the dated a rapist TWICE that raped her TWICE thinking he changed after several years. the 1st time was worse, it was in school when 14 other girls got raped by the same guy and half the people in the school warned her. you see he couldn't be a rapist... he was too ''CUTE''. its stories like that, that makes me not care about still being single even at 37.

Smoothing · Answer

When you date any girl/woman, you have to bare in mind that this could be the start of a long term commited relationship that might be fruitful. It takes some time to work out where the relationship is going. If the girl/woman has kids, it should not be any different from if she doesn't have kids or not. The only thing you should think of, are these children going to impact your life and vise versa in a positive manner? Can you be a role model to them? Do you enjoy being a positive impact on children regardless of whether they are yours or not. Sometimes children can make you miss out on a wonderful person.

And who said everyone's soulmate must come without baggage?

Anonymous · Answer

False.
Some single mothers certainly are damaged goods. But there are countless reasons why a woman could end up a single mother, and so it isn't fair to write them off.

That said? If she isn't willing to consider having your kid, you shouldn't date her. It is unfair to expect you to be a provider and father to her child, while denying you the right to reproduce and pass on your own genes.
There are two exceptions to this. If she became sterile before you met her (you can't expect a woman who can't have kids to have your kid!) or if you were already a single father (you already have a kid, so don't worry about it).

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Here's the thing.

A single mom who is a widow then its fine if you want to be with her.

A single mom who got kocked up by a boyfriend or some dude from the club isn't the woman you want to be with.

Its humiliating to you as a man knowing you are with a woman who has to stay in contact with her ex while with you wheather you like it or not because they have a kid together.

AzureGirl · Answer

A single mother could be single for millions of reasons. Someone shouldn’t judge based on the fact that she is one.

Ámayas_20 · Answer

Well I'm a single mother and I've been with a man for a year now, he has no children of his own but doesn't care that I'm a single mother he understands that this does affect our relationship but not to the degree many men believe it does. I'm completely in love with him and devoted to him but, of course, my child comes first he's mature enough to understand this and actually says it makes him feel better about the possibility of use having kids in the future.

CupcakeKiller · Answer

I think it's just up to your preferences. When I was single I wouldn't date someone with kids. I got roped into it one time, it was short lived. I won't even date someone who wants kids someday. However I don't really think being incompatible means the other is damaged goods.

Liam_Hayden · Answer

Or she was faithful but was deceived and abandoned. Or she was faithful and widowed. I never assume to know someone's story.

Anonymous · Answer

No, single mums should never date/marry trash men who think single mums are "damaged Goods"

Avicenna · Answer

Although many single moms may have personal issues, the real issue is that there is another man's kid (s) who are getting her time and resources because they need it. It makes it much less likely that she'll have a kid with her new man and he will come last.
Raising kids is hard work. Raising someone else's is usually thankless.

genericname85 · Answer

not for me. for me, it is because i don't wanna deal with other guys children. sexually and personally, there's nothing wrong with them in my opinion. just the child is a baggage, that i'm not willing to carry.

Bandit74 · Answer

I would never date one, but I wouldn't say that no one should. Also even if people take issue with calling them damaged goods, I find it hard to believe that anyone would say there is not much difference between dating a single mom vs a woman with no kids.

Anonymous · Answer

That's not how I see it. I see it as any single woman who just happens to have a baby/kid. I mean if I don't date her, and the next guy doesn't and the next guy and so on, then who will? Is she supposed to stay single just because her previous relationship didn't work out for whatever reason?

JCT666 · Answer

Pretty much. Of course, there are different reasons why she may be a single mother such as being a widow.

However, most of them are single mothers due to irresponsibility, such as seeking hookups in a club toilet and then having pride over it. Hell, just watch the Maury Show.

No self-respecting man would allow himself to raise another man's offspring as well being with damaged goods.

Is it true that men should NEVER date or marry a single mother because she is "DAMAGED GOODS"?

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