Am I not beautiful enough to love?

[Anonymous]

All of my ex boyfriends have been obsessed with their ex's or with other women in general. They cry to me, say they love me, share their inner secrets with me, but at the end of the day, they still think about their ex's (I know they do, its not an irrational fear, I have noticed a few things). I give them everything they claim they want and I try my best to be as perfect as possible, yet these are women are just always there. I don't get it, is it because I am not perfect in my appearance? is it just that they are still attracted to these women? surely attraction isn't enough for obsession though. Men look at me and approach me; very good looking financially well off men. I reject every single one. I can feel that someone else is on my boyfriends mind, I just don't have the proof to leave. Should I leave anyway? Is my gut feeling wrong? Am I just uglier than I think? Do I just seem to pick men who aren't that attracted to me? Maybe all men are this way I don't know, but I am sick of just feeling like an option; I am a romantic and I believe in soulmates, but to be honest I am losing hope. People are not what I had imagined they would be and love is a lot more shallow and complicated than I had thought.

[Nalix]

Well, I can't read your mind, but from what you wrote I can see several possibilities.
One is that people trust you, and open up to you about their problems, which is kind of a rare thing in guys. It speaks well of you.

Another thing is that many guys just don't stop thinking about multiple women. Ever. Some do, but those guys tend not to think much about even one woman, which doesn't square well with the common feminine fantasy of having a man who is always thinking about her and only her. Interesting men tend to have lots of interests, so his attention won't always be on you, even if it's not on other women. Women often tend to make the assumption that if a many isn't thinking about her, he's thinking about other women, which he may be, depending on which of the aforementioned kinds of man he is.

Love is complicated, and by nature most people who love deeply won't be right for most people. The man who is right for you is probably sick of women in general and may be hiding or otherwise hard to find. He probably won't approach you because he won't know to approach you. I don't know how you can let him know, but it will likely be in your behavior more than in your appearance.

[Asker]

Yes people tell me I am quite easy to talk to and I would like to think Im a relatively good person so people trust me not to judge them on there mistakes or insecurities. I feel like this gives men the false impression that they love me, when really they just like that I dont judge them. Then they are still stuck on the women they actually love and I am just a free therapist.

I see, well if that's the case then I guess there is nothing to be done about the situation? If most men are like this? I just find it strange because my ex's are out of my life and mind completely, I focus on one person at a time. I love that he has lots of varied interests! but unfortunately one of them is defiantly another women.

Thats true, I hope I find that man! I am sick of men in general, so I think me and him would have a lot in common haha hopefully it all works out

[_SOARER]

If they talk about their ex too often and mention other women it's a bad thing tbh. Sometimes if they mention an ex because it comes up in a specific circumstance no problem. But if he is comparing you to her... red flag.
Also if they have "opened up" big red flag. Men should never tell a woman their problems. When a man tells a woman his problems like that, it means he can't overcome them.

You need to self-reflect and ask yourself who you are, what you want, why you want those things and make changes

[Asker]

Thank you :) I defiantly agree I need to reflect on myself a bit

[Anonymous]

Tbh, a lot of those feelings are ones that you need to work on within yourself. You could be 100% right about your boyfriend and have incentive to dump him, but it seems like you keep hitting this wall with men. In which case, I’d encourage you to be single for a while and work on self love and facing your insecurities. You named many conflicting emotions, with inadequacy taking the forefront. These are things you have to tackle, because how can you love somebody else if you don’t fully love and accept yourself? Once you deem yourself worthy of the love you’re willing to give, and stop tearing down your self esteem, then you won’t consider the ex of every guy you date and drive yourself crazy with thoughts of being perfect and not good enough.

[Asker]

I am not naturally insecure, men obsessing over other women while they are with me makes me feel inadequate. Why? Because I don't do this. I don't care about my ex's or other men. I don't think I am ugly, I just think I pick men who think this. Or they dont, until they get me, then suddenly I am boring old news. Actually what pisses me off is that I think Im a catch; I can see it so why can't they? I don't need the whole world to think Im the best, but I do want my future husband to think this. My boyfriend has over 10 ex's, only the one he is obsessed with upsets me, I dont think about the others. Its not an issue I have, its an issue men seem to have; my friends have these same issues with their boyfriends, its a common problem in the social media age.
I am just disappointed because men are more shallow than I thought they would be. I think you're right though, I do need to stay single, but permanently. I don't believe the type of connection and loyalty I am looking for exists.

[Opinion Owner]

So sorry for the late response! Let me start by saying you are not alone in the feelings that you have, I’ve experienced the same struggles with inadequacy and feeling used over the years, and it sucks. For your boyfriend, I would dump him if he is obsessed with or not fully over his ex. You are nobody’s rebound and you don’t deserve to feel less-than. But please don’t give up entirely on love, or feel as though every relationship is bound to fail. I feel like dating, especially in our 20’s, is so much trial and error. I do think in the process, we learn a lot about ourselves and begin navigating what we want from a partner in the long run. I think it’s great that you’re opting to be single and work on yourself, but I hope you change your mind about making it permanent. You will find your person, but finding yourself first will help so much with your journey.

[Asker]

No worries! Thank you for your well thought out advice I really appreciate it :) Yea I think the best option is to just leave and then if I was wrong about him obsessing, I will take the loss. I thought this because on his instagram account he only follows me and her, no other females and regularly talks about pictures she posts (just uses another name so I dont catch on, its this that makes me supicious; either dont mention her or dont lie about who she is). Maybe I am overreacting, but all my ex's are out of my life, mind and socials, I really want the same in a partner. Thank you so much! Hopefully I will find someone in the future, but to be honest, I am quite content alone :) I enjoy my own company and that of my friends and family, so I won't be settling for anyone who doesn't deserve me any time soon. You seem like a very sweet person :) I hope everything goes well for you in the future

[Opinion Owner]

Anytime! If I were you I’d find that a bit odd as well, because I’m the same as you in the sense that I don’t have any of my ex’s on social media. So for her to be the only other female he’s following, along with him keeping up with her postings, that’s definitely a red flag and reason enough to end that. But I definitely agree with your choice, enjoy single life and becoming more in-tune with yourself! It’s such a great feeling lol, and thank you, you seem very kind as well and I wish you tons of luck on your journey☺️💛

[Espresso-Grande]

You're gut could be wrong in the sense that his ex may not be on his mind. Intuition doesn't always tell you what someone is thinking, but it can let you know when something isn't right. So you may sense and pick up on something distracting your boyfriends mind, but he may not give any signs as to what is actually on his mind.

It's normal to feel synical when every guy you've been in a relationship wasn't over his ex. But you've just be unlucky to meet guys at a time when they're not totally over their ex. That's not a reflection on you whatsoever. They shouldn't have got with you when they hadn't moved on. Maybe get to know guys more over a longer period of time, before you commit to them.

[Asker]

my gut tells me something is off, but physical proof tells me that its the ex unfortunately. With my current boyfriend I can understand it maybe, but with my ex it has been 4 years since his last relationship. I dont know, I just think Im not particularly memorable while others are. I will try to get to know them longer next time :)

[Espresso-Grande]

I always go with my gut. It may not tell you what someone is thinking or their motives, but it'll let you know when something isn't right.

[Samoht_Sirrom1]

Stop trying to be perfect and just be yourself if they can't handle who you really are they don't love you they love the idea what they think you are and that's not a person you really wanna be with

[Asker]

Thank you :) that's a very good point

[apollo3000]

Ah, I wonder the same (even though I know it is the permissions to abuse me that my parents have issued, and still issue, to anyone who likes me and enquires about me - they just love shifting the blame for their perverted life onto me so I pay the price by being unloved/feeling unloveable).

[Anonymous]

I'm sure that you are more than enough to be loved.

[Asker]

Thank you :)

[Opinion Owner]

You're welcome.

[viclarge]

It’s their fault not yours. They still have issues to work out clearly. I’m sure you’re beautiful, but it might be in the partners you choose. Do you like the idea of being able to “fix” someone?

[Asker]

I used to go for those guys yes, I thought this one was different though. He seemed so great and lovely and then suddenly I saw the same behaviours I saw in my ex that told me someone else was on his mind. I also caught him in many lies. Maybe I pick the wrong ones but I really thought (and everyone who knows him thinks) he was lovely. So maybe the problem is me?

[viclarge]

Just gotta be careful moving forward, find the guys without all that baggage

[Asker]

do they exist? haha

[viclarge]

Lol yeah they do girl, just might be tricky to find lol

[gandolph3]

maybe you are always the rebound girl, you don't have a chance, find someone that didn't just breakup, good luck

[Asker]

Thank you! but I feel in the modern age of social media, everyone is always dating or talking to someone, its almost impossible to find someone who has been 100% single for over a week.

[gandolph3]

don't give up

[Asker]

Will try my best not to :) thank you

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry

[Asker]

No need :) you didn't do anything wrong personally