Caught my dad cheating on my mom, what should I do?

Question

While laying in my bed trying to sleep I heard my dad get a call. It was 11:30pm but I didn't think much of it until I heard a woman's voice. I realized they were video chatting and that instantly made me suspicious.

(Bit of a backstory here, when I was 12 years old I caught my dad cheating. I saw him texting a woman, calling her baby and saying some explicit things and I told my mom. They argued a bit, but then it never came back up. My mom's not the type to forgive cheating so he probably convinced her that I didn't know what I was talking about.)

So when I heard this woman on the phone with him, my mind instantly went back to that moment. I confirmed it was definitely an affair and with the same woman. They told each other "I love you" and that made me even more sick. I'm 17 years old, so I know for sure this has been going on for at LEAST 5-6 years. I'll be 18 soon and my brother just turned 15, in 3 years my parents won't have any kids in the house and that makes this even more difficult.

Do I tell my mom again, do I confront my dad first, or do I stay out of it completely? This has been weighing heavily on me since I was 12 and it completely ruined my relationship with my father. I don't think I can hold all of this in again...

CallMeDave · Accepted Answer

Wow, that's a difficult situation to be in. It's a shame that you have to deal with this.

Without knowing your parents and what their relationship is like and how they're likely to react to things, it's really hard to know what is the best thing to do.

Probably the best you can do is think about each option and what you think are the best, worst, and most likely results of choosing that option and then consider those when deciding what to do.

Where was your mother when this was going on and how did she not hear it?

I'll mention a few things that you can think about when you're deciding what to do.

If you decide to say something, there's certainly risk of damaging your relationship with your father, though it sounds like that's already not very good. It could also lead to a divorce which is a very stressful and disruptive process for both the couple and their children. Sometimes though, despite the short term distress, it's the best thing in the long run.

If you decide not to say anything and your mother later finds out you knew about it, she could be upset that you didn't tell her. Or it's possible that she knows at some level, but is choosing to ignore it for some reason.

I don't think you can necessarily assume that it's been going on for that whole 5 (or more) years. It's possible of course, but it's also possible that they stopped for a while and restarted again. That happens.

Though I think it's difficult for the children regardless of the age, I actually think that being older is better if they do separate/divorce. You'll be an adult and independent soon and your brother won't be far behind. My opinion is that the impact on you will be less than if you were 7 or something like that and had to spend many years alternating living with your mom and with your dad (if that's how the custody ended up). It's probably not as hard on your parents either since they don't need to spend as much time caring for you as they would if you were younger and will probably have an easier time finding a new partner than if they had very young children.

You're in a difficult situation with no obvious right answer. I wish you well. Let me know if you want to discuss things as you're deciding what to do.

chriscdi · Accepted Answer

depends, if your family is being supported by your father alone and he is paying off all the bills and stuff, i dont think you should say anything just yet, at least until you have a plan to be able to live without him basically cause if they separate then what will happen to your siblings and mom, if you think you can have a convo with your mother about it and keep it between you to until y'all figure something out then id say thats the best choice.

Flower7 · Accepted Answer

I feel that you should tell your mom, especially since it's been going on for so long and with the SAME WOMAN. Your dad essentially has a full-on relationship with this woman. Your mom deserves to know that her husband has a girlfriend.

Don't factor in the age of yourself and your brother or how long it will be until the two of you are out of the house. Marriage is meant to last forever and if this is not a good relationship, it wouldn't be a good thing for it to last the rest of their lives without the truth being known.

This is also not a good position for you to be in, having to hold all this in. I'm sure it was a bit traumatic for you to not be believed the first time. You definitely don't need to go through any more pain from this issue.

It's best to tell your mom what you know. At that point, if she chooses to not believe you or to overlook it and stay with him, then the responsibility will fall completely on her for staying in this type of relationship. That way, you won't have to feel guilt about keeping this secret or withholding important info from your mom. She will be the one to make the decision on what happens, as far as the marriage, but she should at least know all the factors so that she can make the best and the most informed decision about what she should do.

Confronting your dad would be a VERY bad idea because that will give him the opportunity to hide everything. Then you will have no proof. He might delete everything and stop talking to this woman while he's at home. That would make it much harder for your mom to believe you. Don't alert him to the fact that you're onto him. That will be helping him and giving him an advantage.

MamaTBarron · Accepted Answer

I said talk to your dad and tell him that he needs to talk to your mom about it or you will.

If my kids had known about my husband's girlfriend I would have wanted them to handle it the same way... just saying I've been your mom. Heck my oldest is almost 16...

Anonymous · Answer

You should tell your mom. She doesn't deserve to be led on by this. As her daughter, dont you want the best for her own sanity? People nowadays stay in relationships or marriages for convenience or just because of the kids. You all deserve to be happy honestly and it's not fair that your dad thinks its okay to go around cheating on your mom and come home to her like everything is rainbows and butterflies. Whether it ruins your relationship with him or not, if he really loves you as his daughter, it won't matter because he's being a coward by hiding his tracks. In the end you'll know in your heart you did the right thing by having your moms back if you tell her and she'll be much happier without him.

Anonymous · Answer

He had an opportunity to come clean some years ago, but hasn't since. It needs to be addressed. See if you can gather evidence and shut this down. I can't imagine how this could have been misread, if it somehow has, your evidence will only prove him innocent. You first need evidence, but definitely address your concerns to your mother, sooner is better, but with evidence is the best.

Unit1 · Answer

I'll approach this as open minded as possible.  do you love your parents or just either of them or neither of them?  in any case you better brace for a huge impact as the family tears apart.

MissDawn7961 · Answer

do not say anything at all for this cheating is between your mom and dad only

pepperhicks · Answer

Talk to your mom, but understand that she may know already.

Sabretooth · Answer

you have an obligation, now. you can't confront him. you gotta tell her.

Iron_Man · Answer

Talk to your dad about it encourage him to confess

lanadelrey25 · Answer

Tell her asap

Cryptic-Game · Answer

Of course you should tell your mom.

GordD678 · Answer

Not worth it

Caught my dad cheating on my mom, what should I do?

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