Girlfriend wants me to wait till marriage for sex but she isn’t a virgin?

[Anonymous]

First off a little about myself I am 24 years old and still a virgin. I’ve had multiple girlfriends throughout the years but none lasted over a few months. Half a year ago I met my new girlfriend and she’s an absolutely awesome person! We have lots in common and both really enjoy each other’s company. I figured us being together now for half a year would be a good time for me to ask her about sex. I already knew she wasn’t a virgin and that she had several different sexual partners throughout her life and even had a sexual relationship with her last boyfriend before me (who she broke up with only 4 months before we started dating). When I mentioned sex to her she said since after her last boyfriend, she’s decided for now on she’s going to wait until marriage for sex. Her reasoning behind this is she feels her man (me in this case) waiting for sex until marriage proves that I’m interested in other things then sex with her. I love my girlfriend very much and I would completely support her decision to wait for sex until marriage... if she were also a virgin. But she’s got to experience sex many different times with different people.. and I’ve never had sex once and now that I (the first virgin she’s ever been with) start dating her she decides I’m going to have to marry her first if I want to ever have sex.. it just makes me feel like she’s using the fact I’m still a virgin against me. That if I ever want to have sex then I better be willing to get married to do so. I don’t know if I’m looking at things the wrong way and just over reacting. I really would just like other people’s opinion because it has really been bothering me the last few days!

[Anonymous]

I initially tried to understand and sympathize with her position. But now after reading your responses to other users in the comments, I can confidently tell you that this is a big red flag for two reasons:

1. She is obviously not over the past and her ex. That's why she is not intimate in any way, shape and form. She is using you as an emotional pillow to help her get over the pain and disappointment of other men. And you are here wearing your superhero cape thinking this is love. It is difficult to have sex when you are still not over the another man.

2. You need to understand that she is not attracted to you. Even virgins show attraction and express it to keep that connection strong. You are like a friend but you are too good to her and she somehow likes you as a marriage material man. So she wants to settle down. But what you both don't understand that after you get the ring, and the wedding, she will be unsatisfied again. She will either cheat, divorce you, or leave you to be a single dad while she leaved you.

The fact she even hid her body when you walked in on her is a clear indication to me that this is not about celibacy. You have to be blind to even believe that. It is not also about change in thoughts or values or whatever. You need to open your eyes. Because you are the rebound in this story. I'm sorry man but you asked for a reason. you know deep down that something about this isn't right and doesn't add up.

You two need to sit down and hve a decent conversation. Marriage should not be used as a way to black mail someone. And if you have a good job then dude be careful. You can't force her to have sex with you or pressure her to do so. But you don't let your heart only decides on this.

[Asker]

Thanks, I really appreciate your reply... I knew things didn’t feel right but it’s so hard because I really do feel I love her. I’m going to have to have a talk with her once I’m off work today.

[Opinion Owner]

I am deeply sorry and I honestly feel for you. I am a virgin by the way but I was in love and in a long term relationship. And even as a shy religious woman at the time I can assure you we were intimate and the passion between us was like fire.

We had boundaries and understanding yes. But the chemistry, desire, passion and love were beyond doubt. And they were constantly expressed trust me. Being a virgin does not mean lack of attraction or libido. It is practicing self control in spite off desire. And as a virgin I can tell you. Your body does not become sacred over night. It is because we protect it and value it for so long that it bocemes sacred. So how a woman who is used to partners seeing her naked hides her body immediately just because you walked in? that's not out of overnight modesty and shyness like what a virgin would do. That's to me a sign of a red flag and manipulation trying to take the role of a modest woman to the extreme in order to get something else from you. That is definitely a ring.

[girlzruleboyzdrool]

She wants a restart. Her morals have changed and that should be respected

[tzdc21]

Her stance is sending a bad message to the guy. In his mind, he's thinking "What the hell? She's had sex with other guys who never put a ring on her finger, and it's possible she had multiple one night stands, and she's making ME jump through hoops for sex? Hell no!" That's saying to him that you don't find him attractive. Because if you did , you wouldn't have waited till marriage, just like she didn't with all those other guys.

[girlzruleboyzdrool]

@tzdc21 maybe she thinks the opposite. he's the one and she wants to do right and things the way she now wants to. If he loves her enough, he can wait. isn't she worth waiting for?
However, if her morals and reasoning can't be respected then maybe he's not the one anyway.
There's more to marriage than sex. It's companionship, intellectual, work, friendship and if you have those things first, before sex, you're marriage will last.
I've been married for 16 years.
With my guy for 22.
We were friends first. The most important thing of all.

[tzdc21]

Well that is not the way a guy thinks at all. The ultimate compliment a girl can give a guy is giving to him what no other guy has gotten. The ultimate insult is not giving him what she's given to other guys. Only a virgin is in a position to where she have a guy wait till marriage. But if she's not a virgin, then no guy who respects himself is gonna be part of that. We don't wanna pay full price (aka: long-term relationship and/or marriage) for something that other guys got for discount and/or free. That's telling us that you don't value us all that much.

[girlzruleboyzdrool]

@tzdc21 what you've just said right there is a reason why a girl shouldn't have sex with you.
She has every right to save herself and wait until marriage. She does not owe any guy anything. And if he is unwilling to wait. Good riddance. There will be a guy that will. Just because she has had sex with others, she is allowed to change her values. Clearly she is not enough. There is more to a relationship than sex. She has every right to "restart". Maybe even religiously she asked for forgiveness and wants to restart.
Someone who cares for her would support her not pressure her.

[tzdc21]

Never said anything about pressuring her. Don't know why you brought that up. She wants to restart fine, but a guy is gonna take that as she is not interested, regardless on how you try to spin it. And therefore he more than likely is gonna leave. And this isn't about his sex, it's about how the woman perceives us in a relationship. If she withholds sex, a guy is gonna think that there's a possibility she may not be all that into him. And the longer she does it, the more he's gonna think that. ESPECIALLY if he's somehow aware of her sexual past and she's given it out to other guys WAY sooner than she did with him, he's definitely gonna be convinced that she's not into him. She wants a restart, fine, but it's perfectly acceptable for a guy to leave her and find himself a woman who will convinces him that she has a higher level of interest in him. Because being with someone who doesn't value you all that much is a recipe for disaster.

[girlzruleboyzdrool]

@tzdc21 you bet! I would hope that he does leave. Because then he wasn't there for her anyway. Not for all of her.
Not everyone male/female is the same.

[tzdc21]

Or maybe he WAS there for her, but then deduced that she wasn't there for him, so he decided to cut his losses. Guys don't always have the mindset of "I'm gonna just have sex and then dump her" you know. Sometimes it does start off with serious intentions, but if/when the girl proves she's either: A) not as into him as he is with her or B) not relationship material, he leaves.

[girlzruleboyzdrool]

@tzdc21 yeah, but that isnwhy communication and friendship need to be there. So they can talk about it.

[tzdc21]

Talking is a good start, but it can only go so far. Don't watch what people say. Watch what they do. Yes communication is important, but if your actions don't follow up your words, it'll mean nothing. I do agree that you should state your intentions clearly from the start so that you're not wasting your time and the other person's time as well.

[girlzruleboyzdrool]

@tzdc21 how old is this post

[tzdc21]

I don't know, you tell me lol. You're the one who posted it.

[girlzruleboyzdrool]

@tzdc21 baha guess it's like a over a year old... original poster lol

[PrudentGuy]

I'm very experienced with sex and this is what I think if I were able to start all over again.

I truly won't mind to remain a virgin and marry a girl who is very (or at least quite) experience with sex.

Reason: my first was "clueless" and so was she. We both agreed, our First was among the worst.

Hence, instead of getting annoyed by her insistence, why not strike a bargain? I have a few suggestions:

1) if you're ready for marriage, then set a date now to get married.

2) she must promise after marriage, she must start a sex-filled lifestyle with you.

Minimum: every time you ask for sex she must agree and cannot use family dispute or anything ("I not in the mood") as excuses.

2. She must agree to start a naked lifestyle in private after marriage. Hence after the wedding day, clothes is forbidden in the house. (Get curtains please.)

3. Other mundane pursuit of life (work, home, kids) must not interfere with your sex life.

And please, don't sound as direct as what I typed when you talk to her. You'll scare her off as sex freak. But let the points be known and she must fulfil after marriage.

Good luck.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I wouldn't trust it... either she thinks the other guys left her because she gave it up (that's her choice in those guys as well) or you're going to end up finding out why the other guys split... only you'll be tied in.

And think about this behavior down the road... to make you do or change something she wants, she'll withhold the sex. Right now she wants that ring, and withholding sex on you to make sure that happens.

I suggest you alpha male that shit, and basically be like "look sex or I'm gone... or you can standby until I bang some other girls."

[Asker]

As of right now she won’t even let me see her naked.. I walked in on her changing her top the other day and she covered her chest with her arms and told me “get out I’m changing”... that really didn’t seem like a normal thing to do for my girlfriend of 6 months..

[D_Bone_Steak]

Yeah, she could be a tranny... even trannies grow some titties. Like what if you got married and she whips out a big ole shlong? Maybe you've talked to the ex dudes and know better, but yeah man... I just wouldn't trust it.
Also something to consider is sexual compatibility. What if she hates sex, and was only giving it up to the ex dudes to try and keep them. If that's the case, and you marry that, well... you'll just be married to someone that doesn't want to have sex, and you'll be a virgin for life unless you split or cheat. I lived in Japan for a long time and some of those girls cut the guy off from sex as soon as they're married, even though they gave it up regularly before the marriage.

Another thing to consider, especially because of her push for legal commitment... do you have something else she wants or at least half of? If that's the case, you'll get divorce raped and still won't get any.

You're 24 my dude, you've been together for half a year? Females get horny too unless they hate sex. I sincerely think something isn't adding up if you know what I mean. That could just be my POV though, because every girl I've been with wants the D bad.

[inhua]

not to sound rude or anything but there's a saying that goes "she breaks rules for the alpha and makes rules for the beta". I hate to break it to you but she doesn't see you the same way she sees her previous boyfriends. if I were you I wouldn't buy any of the excuses she makes.

from my POV, if you were to reward her with what she wanted, not only have you disrespected yourself by breaking your own rules but it sends a bad message to others that you can be a low quality woman and still land yourself a high quality man.

remember, she has lost all leverage the moment she lost her virginity. all the bargaining chips are on your table now. if you were to go through with the marriage, you still might not get sex because as some other users have said, she does owe it to you but keep in mind, you don't owe her a relationship.

your feelings are perfectly valid, don't let other people gaslight you for having them. also keep in mind, she has all these ex-boyfriends but was unable to keep any of them long term. you might come to the conclusion that they were all jerks but there is one common denominator with all of them and that's her.

[JSmuve]

Maybe, in her previous relationships, the guys only wanted sex from while she wanted more so now she's waiting to make sure the guy is committed to her. Only she'd know for sure.

But I do think its extremely unfair to you. She's basically saying if you want to fuck me, you have to marry me. Its emotional blackmail. If a guy turned around and said if you want me to commit to you then you're gonna have to fuck me, he'd be labelled the bad guy.

I don't think there is much you can do here except probe further to find out where her decision is coming from. You'll have to decide how important sex is to you and whether having her hold out is worth sticking around.

[Asker]

She told me her and her last boyfriend would have sex almost everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. That relationship is what apparently turned her off of sex. We do have some intimacy in our relationship (kissing and snuggling) but it’s never gone any further than that. I’m not allowed to see her naked and she doesn’t want to see me naked... as far as I can tell she has no sex drive anymore.. or at least no sexual interest in me. It’s so hard for me because we have so much in common and I really feel I do love her... but I want to lose my virginity and with the way she acts I feel if we even do marry.. sex will be far and few between.

[Asker]

Sex is far from the most important thing to me and I don’t want it to seem as if that’s all I care about.. but I feel having sex is all part of a relationship and her never wanting to do anything sexual with her.. makes me feel more like we are just friends with the title of boyfriend and girlfriend

[JSmuve]

It seems like she's just using you for the emotional intimacy that she didn't likely get in her past relationship. Clearly, she's not shy about having sex. If she's able to go cold turkey on sex like that, it leads me to believe that all the sex she had with her ex was just to placate his needs and you might be dealing with a woman who does have a low sex drive. But you can be the judge of that.

Honestly, you need to sit her down and find out exactly why she's done a 180 on this. Best-case scenario is she's attracted to you but has a low sex drive and values emotional intimacy over physical intimacy. Worst-case is you're just her emotional rebound and she's not sexually attracted to you and likely never will be. If that's the case, you have to be ready to walk away from her, regardless of how you feel. If you stay and accept being used like that, then she won't respect you and it'll just get worse until she's ready to break up with you.

[WindAtMyBack]

Yea, it's possible she changed her mind and decided she wants to wait until marriage now.

But what this really sounds like is one big shit test. She wants to see if you'll do it and has said as much. It's like she doesn't even care about waiting until marriage, except to find out if you'll do it. It seems manipulative as hell.

Yes Mistress, whatever you want.

[Asker]

She says she’s decided to save herself for marriage now.. but I just wonder what exactly she’s saving, when she’s had sex with many different men already..

[WindAtMyBack]

It's just about impossible to know for sure what is going on in someone's mind. As I said, it really is possible that she changed her mind, and wants to take another approach. What you said implies that she has some regrets about the past and wants to correct that.

You have no way of knowing that for sure though. People here at GaG have even less ability to know.

What you do know, is that you are in a relationship, and she is withholding something that is typically part of a normal healthy relationship.

I think she is being very selfish. I think she does it because she can get by with it. She would not get by with it with other guys and she knows that for a fact.

Maybe it's a case of "once bitten twice shy". Maybe she doesn't want to repeat the past. Maybe you are different and she knows that. But even *IF* all of those things are true, she is still basically holding you ransom for her own purpose. And you are the one paying the price for her past mistakes. That's called being selfish. It's called taking advantage of your less aggressive personality.

There is no way to know her thoughts for certain. But you do know the results. *IF* this is really about past regrets and she wants to change, she needs to figure out that you are not those other guys. She should not take her past mistakes out on you. She is targeting the wrong person.

That's a lot of maybes and ifs. An alternative is being controlling and manipulative because she can. An alternative is that she is simply dominating you. An alternative is that you are a friend and not a boyfriend - and will eventually get it someplace else, and you will still be there when she wants a friend. Ever see Forest Gump?

Like most questions at GaG, all we can do is guess. We can throw out ideas and possibilities. With enough ideas, maybe some will feel right.

[JDavid25]

From some of the stories I heard about girls askin they boyfriends to wait until marriage and they find out they been with somebody else.. So I don't know.. But you love her so I think you should stick it out, and learn to appreciate it.. Maybe she wanted a change, and to start over with you..

[Asker]

Thanks man, I appreciate your honestly as well as your inspirational words. She has told me time and time again how her pervious boyfriends only wanted sex. Those previous experiences are apparently what prompted her to make the change. I still can not help but feel a little gipped, that I’m the one she decided to wait till marriage to have sex with. Especially where I’m a 24 year old virgin. I do love her very much and we have lots in common... so I suppose I must stick through it and hopefully when or if we do marry the experience will be every bit as amazing as I’ve imagined.

[Bandit74]

I would dump her.
Waiting until marriage is a big risk like what if you wait all that time and when you get married she still rarely want to never wants to have sex. Also the fact that just months ago she was totally fine having sex with more attractive guys but the moment she meets you she's suddenly a born again virgin is pretty suspicious.

[Asker]

Yes she broke up with her ex 10 months ago (so I’m assuming that’s how long it’s been since she’s had sex). Within the 6 months we’ve been together she mentions her ex’s (mainly her last, who has a new girlfriend) constantly.. she even told me that her and her ex had sex almost everyday and sometimes multiple times a day.. she said that all the sex she’s had has turned her off of it.. but I feel it really isn’t fair to me (a virgin) to have to wait till marriage for sex while she’s experienced sex possibly hundreds of times!

[bamesjond0069]

HUGE RED FLAG. DO NOT MARRY THIS GIRL!

This is very common sort of behavior from girls who do not respect you. She knows she can rule over you in the relationship by doing this. If you marry her expect a life of bad behavior on her part. She is likely going to cheat. She will hold sex over your head to get things she wants.

in my opinion this girl is unmarriagable for any man. Even one she respects. She has a bad bad bad abusive sort of personality. In contrast a good woman would never do this because she knows she needs to be with a man she respects and not someone she can gain an edge over.

Id tell her to kick rocks and her suggestion is offensive and you're over. At that point she will probably let you hit it but still dont be with her. she's bad news.

[_SOARER]

Lmao bro, what a dumb slut! 😂
She should just put out, there is nothing left for her to save.
It's been a year and half. I bet she fucked those other dudes on the 3rd date 😂😭🤢

Do yourself a favor and find a girl who is a virgin

[Asker]

I would if I could but ones my age are almost impossible to find where I live haha

[_SOARER]

I know bro it sucks
Tbh she shouldn't hold back for waiting.
Just marry her if you really want to have sex.

[ItsTheNephilim]

Something seems off about this. It'd be right if you both were virgins in my opinion. But she could have another sense of comfort in that. If she isn't giving you what you want, break up with her and no, it won't be your fault.

[0112358]

Are you being intimate in other ways apart from intercourse or no?

[Asker]

We hug and kiss, snuggle in bed together that’s about it... I’ve never seen her naked though and she’s never seen me naked either

[Asker]

In fact there was one time fairly recently I walked in on her without a shirt on and she quickly covered her breasts.. she didn’t want me to see

[0112358]

I’d consider this a huge huge red flag.

It would be one thing if she was horny as hell but religious. Instead she seems willing to arbitrarily shut off all sex for years even when in a happy new relationship over minor insecurities.

If you do marry her do you think she’s suddenly going to crave sex? Do you think she will still want to get naked if she gains 30 lbs? If she’s stressed? If having kids is tiring? If she’s getting stretch marks? Lots of marriages are sexless - this one would have a much higher than average chance of becoming one of them.

[Asker]

Hey thanks for your response! It was by far the most helpful. I’m so broken up about the whole situation but I honestly have no idea what I should do. We have so much in common and get along so well, but I don’t wanna go years and years being a virgin! As you say who knows if I’ll even have much sex with her once married. I also worry she is just using sex as a way to get me to marry her because I’m a virgin.. her and her last boyfriend who she broke up with only 4 months before we started dating, started having sex on the third date and had lots of sex (which I really wish she didn’t tell me).

[Asker]

Another thing I think is it’s because of my appearance. I’m by no means an attractive man and all her previous boyfriends (which she had sex with) were good looking. She herself is very good looking and is always saying she is with me because she loves my personality.. but I honestly feel the way she acts leads me to believe she is repulsed by my physical appearance.

[tzdc21]

Dude, I hate to break this to you, but your girlfriend probably doesn't like you all that much. Because she was willing to have sex with other guys, but she is making YOU wait till marriage for sex? If she were a virgin then this would be more acceptable, but since she's not, then nope. Find you another girlfriend.

[genericname85]

lol don't waste time with her. she was probably betrayed or used by a guy before and wants to prevent that from happening again but if you're rightfully not ok with waiting till marriage and she wants to do that, ditch her. easy as that.

[boggboss]

Well then if you are not happy talk to her about this me personally I wouldn't be OK with this and it would be a deal breaker for me

[Freddy78361]

She is passive aggressively trying to control you. Say ok but that you won't live a sexless life just for her.

[Marilynjuana]

"Okay but no"

[Freddy78361]

She can stay celibate. Why should he?

[Marilynjuana]

He shouldn't. If a relationship doesn't work then both parties are best off single.

[Freddy78361]

Agree. It is selfish of her to make a blanket statement for both of them.

[cloud9vortex1234]

No, somethings off about this. It would be different if you both were virgins.

[Asker]

Yes that’s how I feel also.. I honestly feel she’s turned off by my appearance. All her previous boyfriends (once’s she’s had sex with) were all attractive. I’m probably and 4 and she’s a 9. She won’t even let me see her naked.. the other day I walked in on her and she had her shirt off changed and she covered up her chest and told me to get out she was changing... I felt that didn’t seem like normal thing for your girlfriend of 6 months to do..

[cloud9vortex1234]

Yes, that doesn't make any sense. Dump her and move on. That's my advice.

[Anonymous]

yeah I know it's not fair my girlfriend is making me wait till marriage and neither of us are virgins

[Asker]

Then you can only imagine how I feel as a virgin, when I know my girlfriend has had sex many times.. but I still have to wait

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah my girlfriend she's also had made more sex then me I know guys who had sex with her on the first date

[Avicenna]

That would be a dealbreaker for me, but what's her reasoning?

[Asker]

She says me waiting till marriage will prove I’m interested in other things than just sex.

[Avicenna]

What does she bring to the table?

[Avicenna]

As a wife, I mean. Her reasoning is ridiculous. I'd ve thinking she's probably having sex with other guys now.

[Anonymous]

If she has given it up to others for less, then she shouldn’t expect you to wait.
She has already taken away any of the value that her vagina had.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't date a non virgin for that exact reason, but you know why you're in that relationship.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't fall for it mate.

[Asker]

Fair enough.. all her previous boyfriends, that she actually had sex with were hot. In all honesty I’m not that good looking at all and she often mentions how she loves me for my personality.. I do really love her and we get along very well.. but I can’t help but feel she’s withholding sex until marriage, because she simply don’t want to have sex with me at all.

[Opinion Owner]

That's what I'm thinking. She may not want to have sex with you at all because you're not good looking.
I can foresee cheating occurring.
Luckily being good looking doesn't have to be hard and it does not necessarily have to be bodybuilding.

[In_Trance]

there's no right or wrong here. You do whats right for you

[dwiller943]

Maybe she wants to have a chance to wait for once.

[_Just_A_girl_]

You don't deserve her. Maybe she should go.

[asshole_]

get a new girl