Would you forgive someone who hurt you, but is sincerely sorry and showing with their actions that they wish to make up to you?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

[MyNameJames]

Depends on how hurt they made me and how hard they try.

I'm slow to trust and I've been hurt a few times. Most recent being my last girlfriend from about 5 years ago, we were together all but for like 2 months give or take a week or two before she dumped me. I had just finished recovering from my longest and first relationship, I she was the first person I came out to as being asexual she claimed she liked that but a week or so later she got a birth control rod implant and forced me to touch it, then a bit after that she started flirting with one of my friends from rotc who then warned me about her. The day before that upcoming weekend she said she was being sent to the brook (the local mental institution) again and I wouldn't see her for a month maybe longer and I couldn't visit write or call, this fucked me up surfacing a whole lot of feelings from how my prior relationship (basically my first girlfriend was long distance and we we're both unstable, she attempted suicide while skyping with me and I was powerless to help her, once she got out of hospital she dumped me and cut off all contact with no explanation) and I thought she was telling the truth until she came back to school that next Monday and and just acted like nothing ever happened. She broke up with me out of the blue like 2 weeks later and when I followed her out to the hall to try and talk she was standing next to some random I never knew until my senior year, she said and I quote "I only date seniors because they're good at sex" mind you she was dead up in the middle of the hall and said this to my face without a hint of remorse Infront of this random guy 2 of my friends 3 chicks 4 other guys and a teacher. From then on I vowed I would pretend she not only didn't exist but never existed whenever we were at school. That following year she thought I had to have forgiven her or maybe just forgot what she did to me and tried being all chummy with me so I turned to her and talked to her for the first time since the breakup and said something along the lines of "do I look like I'm your friend, after what you've done to me, you don't get to be my friend, never speak to me again, I dont even want to be in the same room with you because you disgust me" she left me alone the rest of that year and from graduation in 2018 to 2021, she recently tried to friend me on FB but I shot her down and lost my shit on her and went into very thorough detail on why we can't be friends ever again and why I'll never be able to forgive her ether. She finally got the memo and blocked me before I could block her.

I only went over that to show how I think of these things, my trust and respect and love must be earned and maintained, if you break that trust in a sufficient enough manner then we're done and you get one chance to make it up to me, if you do then it depends on other things from there but if you don't then you better not expect to be staying in my life. In this case she probably cheated on me, lied about not only being okay with my asexuality but also lied about liking it, as she was the first person I came out to, her saying what she said not only was like kicking my nuts but also like kicking me while I was down and then spitting on me. I never showed her anything other than love, trust, and adoration and in one fell swoop she crushed what I thought we had and then expected forgiveness from me. Nothing could fix that ever.

[MyNameJames]

I doubt she uses this site so I'm not worried about putting her on blast even if I wanted her to be able to live her actions down. I didn't use her name because even though she's the only person on earth I truly hate nobody deserves to be called out online with their real name unless they broke actual laws. If she does see this, hi, fuck you, you know who you are and I tell this story any time I get the chance because you deserve it except when I tell someone who knows you I actually use your real name. You're the main reason I never dated my senior year. You know who I am because you know who you are.

[TurboKid]

This is one of my pet peeves but I think it is useful to make a strong distinction between forgiving someone and taking them back into our lives. Forgiving is always useful no matter what another person does since it's in our own best interest to forgive:

When it comes to excusing their behavior and taking them back into our lives (which goes far beyond forgiveness as I see it), I don't actually care about sincere and heartfelt apologies. I've had the unfortunate experience of dealing with people who gave the most sincere, heartfelt, tear-ridden apologies, only for them to repeat the same basic mistakes over and over (and once again, giving sincere, heartfelt apologies repeatedly).

What I've learned to analyze instead of the sincerity or genuineness of the apology is simply the practical chance of them repeating the same mistake in the future. For example, if a girlfriend treated me horribly and gave me a tear-ridden apology later but blamed her PMS on her horrible behavior, then I assign about a 100% chance that this will likely repeat in the future (possibly every single month).

[TurboKid]

So I think the best way to analyze these situations is:
1) Try to assess the probability of this happening again in the future based on their actions.
2) Assess how much you're willing to deal with the possibility of this happening once more based on the probability assessment in #1. If the consequences were particularly bad for us, we might only excuse the behavior if you assign a very low probability of a repeat. If the consequences weren't that bad, maybe we accept a higher probability.

[TurboKid]

Another thing I like to look for is if they can make immediate adjustments and stick to them that can substantially reduce the probability of a repeat. For example, say we have a worker who always shows up to work in the nick of time; they're never early. However, on one critical day when they're sorely needed, they show up really late in ways that impose heavy costs on everyone. Then they might blame the traffic or something like that. Well, if they start making adjustments where they start consistently showing up to work a bit early after, then I think the probability of a repeat goes substantially down. If they continue to always show up just in the nick of time though, then I think the probability goes way up and it might almost be guaranteed that this will happen again at some point in the future (ex: any time there's heavy traffic).

[DarkCarousel]

Forgiveness is to put yourself at peace. Anger is heavy to carry. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to make space for that person back in your life.


It would really depend on what they did.

[AmandaYVR]

Yes absolutely.
Especially if they know how to apologize well (like you do 👌)

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you, I'm doing my best!

[AmandaYVR]

You are really, really good at it, Jean-Marie. I tip my hat to you. 🎩

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you, to be honest the merit is yours too my friend.
Also, I got another news that is both bittersweet but also nice - since our current mayor will be stepping down for personal and grave reasons, we'll have new elections in 2022, and I aim to candidate myself.

[AmandaYVR]

Wow, good for you! Like I said, I think it's a good role for you. (Just don't rule with an iron fist. Tough, but fair, right.)

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thanks!
Naturally! I'll do my best to be a good mayor, although on some things that plague certain neighborhoods (vandalism, drugs) I'll be staunch and inflexible.

[AmandaYVR]

Good! I hate vandals. Reminds me of these Goofy Gophers, Mac 'n Tosh, from my childhood. So polite. I loved them. My favourite line of theirs is "Vandals! They're stolen all our vegetables."

Though unfortunately can't find it anywhere online.
This is a bunch of other cute clips. (I only like the gophers at 0:25 etc.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3o8zQBF8NmI

[coachTanthony]

I forgive them for myself and my peace.. it's not for them. When things like this happens it's very rare they can win my trust back.

“All the down votes on my comments are a glitch. GAG is looking into the issue. Thank you for your understanding.”

[TheorionMage]

'Trust' once broken, takes LONG to be re-earned.
"Fool me ONCE shame on you; fool me TWICE, shame on ME"
The offending Companion MUST be willing to endure having their
every behavior to be suspect and independently verified.

I HAD given such a woman a second chance, she' proposed TO ME
and I found her car parked outside a prior boyfriend's home at 5 am with all light out.
I left my business card under her windshield rather than make a scene.
The next eve, after a weepy phone call, she came by, cooked us dinner
and then stayed the night and rotated my crops! She misjudged me and
pulled the same shit two nights later...

She had been a self-made beauty shop Operator, proud of her accomplishments At the time, I'd been employed as a Private Investigator! She'd even had me meet her parents & her Clergy! Upon witnessing her amateur treachery the 2nd time, I placed a VERY PUBLIC "UN-engagement" announcing PUBLICLY 'explicitly "why"! in the Burlington Free Press 'personals'. Viewable to ALL her clientele. SHE WAS FURIOUS.

She lodged a complaint with Vermont's licensing board for P. I's.
They dismissed her 'sour grapes' complaint out-of-hand telling her what did she
expect... 'cheating on' a Private Investigator SHE'D purposed to ~

[Lliam]

Absolutely. People make mistakes. If they are smart enough to realize that they fucked up and are big enough to own up to it, they are a good human.
As long as their motive isn't self serving, like a person who gets dumped for cheating but comes crawling back because they miss the sex.
Plus, if what they did to me was really, really bad, I might not let them back into my life even though I forgave them. Again, like if my partner cheated. I might forgive them, but I would never take them back.

[Wolf_man11]

Yes. My ex and I had an ugly breakup and I was devastated and we didn't talk for years. She reached out to me a few months ago though to let me know the cat we had together had died and ever since then we've been really good friends and I feel like we reached a level of closure on the relationship but we can appreciate each others existence.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That's really good to hear, I'm sorry about the cat but I'm glad things got better with her!

[Wolf_man11]

Thank you! I appreciate it

[Anonymous]

Depends what we are talking about here? , A guy crashed my front car fender on the stop light he apologized sincerely and offered me 80$ to fix it the fix cost about 120$ . He was honest and said I swear I only have this money I end up just leaving him I didn't take his money I said it's not worth it.

On the other hand while I had serious problem my ex did make fun on me and did post pic with new guy. I won't forgive her no matter what I did left revenge though I could go through it and hurt her also but in my opinion wasn't worth it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That's a good example

[Aether1]

Yes but it should be a serious and convincing apology, they should explain what they did and admit that they were wrong. I always have respect for people that have the ability to ask for forgiveness.

It's the people that hurt you and won't take any personal responsibility that you need to steer clear of.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. My ex boyfriend used to hate my mother's apology. She treated him like garbage and this was her so called ''apology'' long ago:
''Oh I'm sorry IF I treated you bad. I'm a tough mother and blah, blah''.

Out of respect for me and the relationship, he didn't call her out on the fake apology justifying her behavior... where she never once acknowledge her wrongs. Years later he said that if it wasn't for me this is what he would've replied ''I don't care if you're a tough mother, excuses, stop making excuses. That doesn't take away the fact that you treated me horrible. And what you mean IF you treated me bad. Take your fake apology and stick it where the sun doesn't shine''.

[Vesuvius87]

Years later he told me he'd rather get no apology at all if they don't mean it from the heart and there is no consistency than get a fake apology.

[ThePolishKnight37]

I am a Christian and would forgive them no matter what. But that does not mean I would let them back in my life. It will depend on my intuition and telepathy, to whether I I trust them again. If I trust them I will let them, back in, but if I have a bad feeling we are done no matter how much it hurts me.

[jamiematt]

My personal experience, people who hurt very badly have just said sorry like it cured everything and then slowly distance themselves. So, if someone is really trying, I would appreciate it and also take counseling as during this phase one person becomes "bigger" than other and that is not really healthy. Whatever you're going through OP, I wish you well.

[Scotte1us]

That means she is using you , because if a woman is not satisfied enough with you , she will always look for others , it is better for her to be single and free so she can go to discos and night clubs or beach and pick up any guy and have sex , so leave her because she is not ready for you , let her free, let her find out how other side of the fence is

[Lionman95]

Yes I would. Though it wouldn´t be the same as before because just because I forgave doesn´t mean I forgot what happened. It would change but I think I could do that if it´s not a deeper personal point he/she attacked me.

[Luv2BRealExotic13]

God forgives. I don’t. I won’t think about what the person did but if I see them I’m not going to be civil because I won’t forget. Most times those radical changes to get back into your good graces are usually an act.

[Account]

If they hurt me out of sheer ignorance or stupidity, I can forgive it. If they did it with malicious intents then no. I can easily tell apart those two.

[Coulis]

Yes of course. If somebody says sorry and their words match their actions then absolutely I would forgive them. But they both have to match. Will I be having the same closeness with them? Most likely not; it would take a very very long time for that.

[pjf1958]

First, I would investigate to see if that behavior was routine or, if it was first and, hopefully only time it happens. If it was a one time thing then ya I'll give her another chance.

[loves2learn]

Absolutely! As long as it isn’t a continued behavior, if they are showing me they are sorry, they are worthy of forgiveness.

[nolabels]

Absolutely.
Unfortunately, I don't see much of that taking place.
Everyone seems to believe that they are in the right, and that others are wrong.
It can happen, though.

[pleasestopthis]

Yes because I want to heal and move on... pain and resentment feels like a carry burden to me.

[pleasestopthis]

heavy burden to carry* I'm sorry I'm sleepy xD

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

No problem!

[loveslongnails]

I'd probably forgive someone even if I didn't believe them, because the choice to forgive makes ME feel better. I don't care about them in that case. But if I believed them, and thought them sincere, I'd let them back into my life.

[FreyaRed]

Unlikely. I'm avoiding to make same mistake twice. On the other hand is the reward tempting enough I'm willing to take calculable risk.

[imGirliNterrupTEd]

I would but it really depends on the situation. Again we can only take so much of things that are being thrown at our faces.

[AdithyaR]

Depends on what they did.
Said something hurtful but apologised, I probably will forgive them.
But something like cheating, nope, never gonna forgive them.

[so_over_this]

I'd forgive the person for my own peace and sanity, but I'm not going to be quick to embrace them.

[eterna1drag0n]

If it was cheating, no. Cheating is unforgivable. So are a lot of other things. I would need more specifics to answer the question accurately.

[kc_4308]

The last person that hurt me is forgiven however I don’t give second chances

[Dude_777]

I would forgive, but still won't forget and would be careful in future.

But i don't believe in second chances after betrayal. Just forgive, smile and walk away politely.

[redskies]

Yes because that is so rare these days and just fact that they are clearly proving through there actions that they are sorry and is trying to make up for it while so many people will make a excuse or try to turn the subject around on you

[Aimée__LJ]

Honestly depends on what they did and how important the relationship was to me.

[Q80daddy]

Yes, i would forgive them.
But i don't let them in my life after more mistakes.

[DJB72]

Forgive, yes. Unforgiveness is a prison you lock yourself in. But forgiveness doesn't establish relationship.

[SuccessfulHornDog]

Possibly but probably not. There are so many women out there that I don't have time to waste with someone who has already proven that we are not a match. I dont see any good reason to do that

[Waldoe]

"Forgiveness" frees the forgiver more than it does the forgiven... IF someone "hurts" or "wrongs" me they know it... and I know it... it is a burden on their Psyche they feel it, they know it and remember it, it's a burden that they do not have the power to release them... I have the power to forgive them... and I have the power to be a better person than they were... Holding a "grudge" is like carrying a rattle-snake in your pocket, it may not bite you now... But... it will eventually

[Anonymous]

If they apologize and their actions show just that. I will be very grateful but it’s not in my nature to just be involved again. Whether it’s a friendship or relationship. You just don’t get that side of me again. I’d rather keep a distance.

[pjf1958]

Forgiving someone for an act of betrayal no matter how contrite their words and actions are, is always risky.

[exitseven]

It would depend on the situation and my relationship with the perp.

[CallmeTheKnight]

I would forgive, but I would not allow them near me again.

[The_Outlaw]

That, greatly depends on what they did. Say, if they were a toxic, abusive, blame shifting gas lighter - NEVER.

[FaithIsAll]

Nope. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. So, I'll just finally have the satisfaction of not being the one looking nor feeling like a clown.

[Gray-Wisp]

Some things are so bad that they can't be forgiven.

It would depend on what was done.

[Redstang88]

It depends. I’m not one to hold grudges, and we all make mistakes

[Aiko_E_Lara]

Not yet but i'm going to let them feel pain equal to how long i have felt then forgive them after that.

[Anonymous]

It depends what they did. Some things are just unforgivable.

[msc545]

It would depend on what they did to hurt me. I might forgive them, but I would probably never trust them.

[Twalli]

Yes. The problem is that if they were caught you can see they're sorry. You just don't know if it's because they were caught or not.

[lakotabebebe]

I would. I have many times. However, it really does have to be genuinely asking for my forgiveness. I'm not asking for proof, just ask me for forgiveness and I will forgive you time and time again.

[Shyo84]

Yes you could forgive them but don't give them a opportunity to do it again. You control how much a person can hurt you and if it was severe then there is nothing like space to help you heal

[roy_ricky09]

Yes... But be careful not to get hurt again. Some things don't change.

[ChiPaPa]

Depends. If they hurt me by cheating on me, I'd never forgive them.

[YesICan]

Depends on what that person did to me, If its something extreme probably not.

[Nazgol]

Yeah I probably would. But if they want to go back to hurting again, then no

[shouldnobetter]

I would be very hesitant to forgive, but might take a 2nd chance.

[hamzaelhadi]

Yeah, I'd forgive him or her. But they'll never be the same for me. Forgiveness doesn't really mean you'll be back as you were before.

[LivingExample]

Definitely Yes, but you must also forgive people if they don’t. Forgiveness is for the person that got hurt. Forgiveness starts the process of letting Go what happened. Forgiving someone does not mean they still have to be in your life!

[HereKittieKitty]

Absolutely! They key phrase is showing with their actions that they wish to make it up to you. Saying you’re sorry is just lip service to me. You MUST back up your apology with actions. (And stay consistent with those actions)

[David_Bayer]

I've already done so in the past. I befriended my bullies.

[luka_17]

It really depends on what they did and how close we are

[IronByte]

I may forgive them but i will never forget what they did

[Anonymous]

If that person has hurt you many times, then it is not worth it. My ex had hurt me many times I still loved him.
But in the end when he changed, I no longer had feelings or respect for him.

[hotguy666]

No one is perfect... people make mistakes... it is what we learn from them that matters.

[Anonymous]

If it was just a mistake i would give a chance. but if he cheated i could forgive but i won't forget it and i will never take him back.

[Bald-n-Boastful]

Absolutely not will I forgive an individual that has wronged me, I won’t even forgive their racial, religious, political, national or ethnic tribe.

[electromagnetic]

No way. Once I’ve written you off, that’s that.