Do abused woman / men reject kind and gracious people for dates?

[jennifer_bloom]

I know a woman with severely abusive family members and a very abusive ex husband and now she is beautiful and successful and kind with tons of guys chasing her but she refuses to date them and she is isolated due to CoVid lock downs and I would presume lonely too cause she is always seeking attention from people, so why is she single? I think she is not attracted to nice guys because the guys in her past were not nice to her and she doesn’t respect kindness.

[I_Am_Sazerac]

My exes screwed me over badly in the past to where I didn't trust, my mental state declined because I had been raised to believe that everything was supposed to be the man's fault or responsibility to saddle the world. In other words, because of that, everything that went wrong I took as an attack on myself and I couldn't handle it after so many years of it.

When kindness was indeed offered I initially rejected it because I was distrustful. Eventually I started accepting kindness because I wanted it and was tired of being angry all the time. It was a great change and I'm glad I took the chance. I found myself with my current girlfriend I can't imagine what it would be like without her.

[OddBeMe]

It’s certainly a psychological trend that meek or abused individuals seek dominant partners, or perhaps are only attracted to them. It’s prob like addiction in some ways.

[yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo]

I can account for this form of PTSD. Some people are so accustomed to danger that they feel out of place in safe settings.

That addiction to danger gives them a comfort zone because it's all they know.

I grew up in the hood! I'm not ashamed of coming up in a low income community, I love the people in my city, I just hate the things they do to each other.

But a part of me wonders that if I get out of it, can I be at peace with being at peace? Or will waiting for something dangerous to happen, spark my anxiety, and leave me awake at all hours of the day?

It's a crazy part of human psychology that we still need to understand, but we need to find peace in ourselves in order to move on.

I've found my internal peace by the way. Lol. Things still bother me sometimes but I'm cool.

[OddBeMe]

@yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo I bet you could. I wish it were easier to get out of poverty stricken neighborhoods. But we keep compounding the problem.

[yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo]

Right, especially with how hard it is to find a good paying job rn. I keep looking for apprenticeships but nobody wants to teach anybody it seems like. Everybody wants apprentices with 1-3 years experience. Smh.

Carpentry could get me out for sure.

[OddBeMe]

@yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo an apprentice with 3 years ain’t an apprentice… :)

What type of apprenticeship? Mechanic, engineer, etc…

[yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo]

Carpentry like roofing or construction. And ik, but anytime I search apprenticeships, it's a requirement for the job. I even tried to get HVAC training but I gotta go to school for it. I don't have tuition money, and FAFSA won't accept my application for college. I'm stuck.

[jgibsonian1986]

She probably has issues feeling like she is worth a good man. People who have been abused tens to focus on the negative aspects of themselves and end up dragging down their self esteem. Even though she may recognize that everyone has their own issues and difficulties, she probably feels like the things about her that her abusers saw as good to manipulate aren't good enough to be loved by a good person. Its like emotional debt resulting from gaslighting, or more literally her brain has been conditioned to think like that from abuse.
For me, I avoid dating because I don't want to compound and display the negative emotions I have about my shortcomings to someone who I don't trust. I've done that in the past and got manipulated for it, so its very hard to open up about myself without worrying that I'm unloading emotional bowling bowlingballs into somebody's lap that they could potentially throw at my face.

[molonski2]

These kind of people always return to their roots , this will be an extremely mixed up and confused , suffering individual , she is drawn to those who abuse , and she will continue to be drawn to these individuals , these cycles rarely change , and the more individuals somehow think they can somehow save / support this person , you cannot.

Deep seated aggression , inferior feelings of inadequacy , despite any external so called " beautiful " features , yep she will find someone he'll abuse her ( at very least emotionally ) , this cycle will continue. Great deal of phycological work to be done over many years , if she starts today.

[yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo]

Sometimes!

Sometimes people are not fully recovered enough to move on!

I personally have refused some kind women, who were beautiful, but mainly because I worked with them. I didn't want to be unprofessional at the work place and ruin everything for the coworkers. You know?

It feels kind of unfair, but it would be unfair for my coworkers to have to sit through me and my SO having a dispute at work, or maybe she's upset at me... Not a good thing at all.

[J2ohhhhh]

Did she tell you that she doesn't appreciate kindness or you just assumed? If she had abusive family, it is very likely that she really wanted to get out from that environment, and she naively went for the first guy who gave some attention and some basic level of acknowledgement to her. In Hungary people call that the campaign period after our beloved politicians who promised lot of stuff, but when they got the relationship or won the election, they didn't put effort into follow up with their long term actions. So now she knows that superficial kindness is not a guarantee, yet she doesn't really know how to find out if someone is genuinely kind.

[throwsomecheeseonit]

Well PTSD can manifest in many ways especially if one was abused. Any situation that makes her think of that she would probably run from. So if a guy no matter how nice triggers it she will pull away. Plus yes the other side is people that will be attracted to abusive and toxic because they know what they are getting. It is familiar.

[Massageman]

Sure. They have built up a facade or resistance to protect themselves. It will take a lot of convincing on the part of the helping party to "re-train" the abused person.
In Massage Therapy training, one of the courses dealt with introducing people who have experienced "bad touch" in the form of abuse, to the "safe touch" of professional massage.
In healthcare, there is an informal "rules of threes". Humans can exist for the following "threes" and after that, irreversible harm begins.
3 minutes without oxygen
3 days without water
3 weeks without food
3 months without touch.
And with all this COVID jazz, we are looooooong past that three month bogey!

[TwistedTube]

3 months without touch was a basic rule for irreversible harm afterwards? I think many guys would have a lot of irreversible harm even before covid already then

[Massageman]

@TwistedTube Yes, three months under normal circumstances. With COVID lockdowns, I would venture to say that things would probably be even worse.

[TwistedTube]

Weird. I consider not getting touched that much to be normal for guys

[Screenwriter]

I don't think she doesn't RESPECT kindness. She hasn't experienced it from her family of origin or significant others. She doesn't expect it from men and though she might desire it, she chooses men who were like her abusive parents and husband. It takes a long time to purge a painful past. Hopefully she will get there.

It's best she doesn't date and stays single until she can work this out.

[IDontBelieveIt]

I have done it once in my twenties, only started dating, she was lovely person but as we walked down the street she wouldn't stop looking at me I couldn't handle it I told her I couldn't do this, I realised later I would have hurt her feelings, I felt really bad and have really regretted it to this day.

[Marhaban-1]

This song describes how people feel about it perfectly

[Leavesbound]

I wouldn't and I've experienced some pretty hideous abuse though it was a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

As someone who's been through abuse in the past, I'm personally afraid of doing something wrong that will upset them or make them wanna leave. Im afraid if they get upset they'll hit me or berate me. And if things seem too good to be true, too kind too soft too nice, it signals a red flag in my head that they aren't who they say they are and/or being.

[lsksni]

Most of them think it's a trap. So, partially, yes.

[legalboxers]

my ex fucked me 10x over a year ago. Im scared to love, Im scared to date. I feel empty I feel hollow. I feel broke

[Saph765]

She probably feels like it’s too good to be true because she’s only ever experienced bad and has never had a healthy partnership. Abuse ruins your perception of yourself and others.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Suffering and mistreatment causes a person to adapt as a self defence mechanism. That's just human nature.

[Dchrls78104]

Maybe she does well to reject any dates. In my opinion she should not resume/start dating until she has taken the time to fully heal from the damage/trauma she suffered.

[jerdanro]

Yes, often. They associate love with pain and abuse.

[Snakeyes7]

I don’t think so but they are going to be a tough person to date because they aren’t going to be accepting of your kindness right away.

[Omario2049]

Yes. They're not use to good and nice treatment. Best case scenario they end up dragging u under with them. "Hurt people hurt people"

[Shihab91]

Pretty sure because I was hurt in the past I pushed away some girls... idiot me :D