Is it fair to break up with someone in a long term relationship if you found out they cheated YEARS ago?

Question

I've been with my (now-ex) boyfriend for about 5 years, we've been living together for 2, been together since just after high school.

Early on in our relationship, I had a drunken one-night stand with a guy, it wasn't my fault, I was too drunk to even know.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, we've been talking about getting engaged and I told my boyfriend I wanted no secrets between us, so decided to come clean about it, and well, he broke up with me on the spot.

I'm really hurt, we've been together so long, it was before we were really serious, and I feel like he's throwing so much away from one little mistake that happened YEARS ago, and hasn't affected our relationship in any way.

He's moved out, won't take my calls, I don't even know where he's staying as his friends won't tell me.

Surely after this time together, it's such a minor incident?

MAAJD · Accepted Answer

I've been in a similar situation to yours. But worse. Mine was 3 years down the line, in a long distance relationship. And although it was me who acted out of weakness on that one stupid day, I still have big blames being thrown on my EX. I think it was 80% her fault. We used to always video or voice call and one time after she moved houses she started being extremely distant and she did not want to VIDEO or CALL for over 3 months. That was a big hit to me, that was the biggest thing to ever affect me as me seeing her always made me stronger and stimulated my brain and made me happy. Not seeing her was making me sad, weaker, I started having doubts maybe she doesn't love me anymore, i've never felt more lonely in my life. And I was someone who was always horny and my horny drive was causing a lot of problems in our relationship because she was not near me and she doesn't do anything online with me. This all added up and for one of the first times in my life I actually felt depression. All cause she was just neglecting me for 3 whole months. In doubts of her love to me and loneliness i just wanted to hang out with a girl and breath some air, I was suffocated. But when I went out with this old friend, i was already in a very weak mental state, and she was dressing sexy as hell. When our lunch finish she asked me if I want to come upstairs. I lost my mind and went. and you know the rest. yes I weak extremely and it's my fault for going out with her. But we reallllllllllllllllllly CANNNNNOOOOOOT ignore the reason that made me consider all that to begin with. i'm not an effin SUPER MAN. You can't EVER leave your man and neglect him with no attention for 3 whole months when you already know he was heavily suffering from you not being around him and then expect him to just pick himself together and be strong.

RiverUndertheSkY · Accepted Answer

Look, not trying to come at you. You obviously cared about him deeply to be with him for that long - but you can't keep secrets like that from your SO, especially when considering something as serious as marriage. Even if you couldn't have done anything to stop what happened that night, it would have been better on your front to be upfront with your boyfriend about the incident as soon as it occured, not 5 years down the line. Relationships and Marriage especially is built on mutual trust, and you can't have a good relationship were peace isn't obtained through honesty.

karaspara · Accepted Answer

This is a tough one hopefully in time he will be able to forgive you and you can get back on track together however put yourself in his shoes how would you feel if it was the other way around? You have to take responsibility for what happened it was years ago blah blah and I was drunk blah blah don't cut the mustard that said good luck

jennifer_bloom · Answer

You didn’t cheat, if it happened while you were drunk then you were raped

Browneye57 · Answer

You are an absolute idiot. A loser. You deserve what you got, and here's why.

First of all you didn't accept responsibility for your lying cheating behavior - "it wasn't my fault, I was too drunk to even know." Which is absolute bullshit. You knew damn well what you were doing when you stripped naked and fucked him. So start taking responsibility for your own thoughts and actions and quit blaming other people and things for your failures. OWN IT. Quit trying to claim victimhood - you're just not.

And secondly, you didn't 'come clean', you wanted to offload your guilt for being such a shitty person to your fiance. You should taken your bullshit guilt to your grave. Everyone knows you don't kiss and tell. EVER. If you didn't know you fucked around, you wouldn't carry all that guilt. JUST OWN IT.

No, you're not ready, and not fit for marriage. Cut your man loose so he can find someone worthy. And then fix yourself and start over. Just keep your crappy actions to yourself from now on. AND OWN IT. Quit making excuses.

MrOracle · Answer

"Early on in our relationship, I had a drunken one-night stand with a guy, it wasn't my fault, I was too drunk to even know."

Far more than the cheating itself, THIS is why I would have done exactly the same. You think being drunk exempts you from your behavior (it doesn't), and you think that it means you did nothing wrong (that's false), and then you didn't confess at the time (deception). And to this day, you still don't take any responsibility for any of it, which means it would be just as easy for you to do it again, and think nothing of it.

Maybe losing a great relationship will teach you that there's a high price to be paid for disloyalty, and that it's a BIG DEAL, and that alcohol doesn't exempt you. But you don't seem like the kind of person who is going to learn anything, because that would mean taking accountability for your behavior and decisions.

Anonymous · Answer

The fact that you waited 5 years to tell him is pretty shady.
If you truly wanted no secrets between you, you should've told him right away rather than hiding it for so long.
Maybe he would've forgave you, maybe not, but that's his choice.
You took that away from him and all of the sudden, now before you get engaged your guilt is bothering you so you tell him?
He's hurt and he feels like your relationship was a lie.
He's embarrassed and feeling humiliated.
I'm not saying whether he should just get over it or not, I'm just telling you how HE f
FEELS.
So you don't turn this situation as if It's about "Your hurt."

Finchie40 · Answer

Since you waited so long to tell him this then in his mind you basically have been lying
To him all those years together with him , so that’s why he walked out , Cheating is one of the worse things you can do to someone , especially to someone that stayed faithful to you all that time , the trust is broken between you , sadly to say that’s is something you should of kept a secret about , considering you knew it was wrong and you kept it a secret for all that time , but Look at this as a learning experience for you to never cheat on someone again , if you want someone to love and value you and stay faithful to you , you have to love and value and stay faithful to them , Cheating is a selfish act , why it’s best to end a relationship right away or confess your actions right away to your partner , by cheating on someone , you basically answer Your own question that you really don’t love and value that person period.

Pj1981 · Answer

It's probably fair that he broke up with you because to him it just happened because he just learned about it. If I were in his position I may have done the same thing but I would consider how I feel about you and if I really love you I would probably decide your more important. People make mistakes and if it was just one time I could maybe move past it. The thing you said about it not being your fault at all would bother me though because unless you were raped against your will you are at fault in some way and if you can't see that you did wrong then you might get drunk again and at no fault do it again. I don't know maybe it's me but saying it how you did means your not taking responsibility like you did no wrong

God_of_Thunder · Answer

"it wasn't my fault, I was too drunk to even know." is exactly why he was right to break up with you.

If you can't control yourself while drinking, then don't drink. You chose to do so, and any consequences are a direct result of your actions. And then you lied to him, by not telling him about it.

If I werw in his position, I would have broken up with you as well, because I'd NEVER be able to trust you again. He made the correct choice.

DonkeyDan · Answer

Why didn't you tell him at the time when it happened? If you were too drink to even know are you saying you were raped then?
I think maybe if I was told at the time and I believed that the person was truly remorseful or was completely unaware of their actions I'd consider working on the relationship and see if we could get past it but to leave it so long demonstrates guilt.

BeenThereLovedIt · Answer

You can't really blame him. Some men would have been more forgiving, but for the most part, he's probably pissed that you kept it from him all this time instead of coming clean after you got serious.

Also, getting drunk is an excuse. Some people react harshly when they hear excuses instead of simple admissions without excuses. "I fucked up" is better than "I fucked up, BUT it's not my fault"... which is exactly what most people hear when people blame alcohol.

Nightroads · Answer

At that point its his choice. I knew about my wife's affair for months before i had hard evidence. I forgave her, but i also knew that ending it was the easier less painful path. Because of my choice i have to feel it the pain of it every day. Its not a simple yes or no.

AdithyaR · Answer

Cheating is deal-breaker for lots of people.

I appreciate you being mature and telling him about it. But that doesn't automatically mean he's supposed to forgive you. He still has every right to break up with you.

Move on and try to be better.

Anonymous · Answer

I see your point of view.. but I also get him, and it is fair to not want a relationship with someone who did not tell something very essential for years.
by the way, I am sorry that it happened to you.. I hope you at least told someone else about the incident to deal with the sexual abuse.

Avicenna · Answer

It's not a minor incident, and it's definitely not minor that you didn't tell him about it until now. He can't trust you.

NYCQuestions1976 · Answer

"Surely after this time together, it's such a minor incident?" That question alone shows you've learned nothing from your transgressions. He was absolutely correct to break up with you.

SnakeBoop · Answer

It's completely up to him. You lied to him and never told him. Why should he trust you?  Regardless of time, if my partner cheated on me in our relationship, they gone.

elizamichale1 · Answer

no he shouldn't have left firstly because what was done in the past is just in the past and secondly and i guess more importantly u were trying to be honest with him and he should have considered the gesture

Jlegacy · Answer

I don't think you should chase after your boyfriend. First fix yourself or you would hurt anyone you date. If you are sure you would never cheat on him again then you can chase after him.
Also ensure you are not cheating on God😊

Alyssa11 · Answer

I don’t see why not? Cheating doesn’t have any expiry date? Lol

ItsTheNephilim · Answer

You didn't even know what happened but had complete intercourse while being drunk? Sure, sure. He did the right thing leaving you. He was cheated on and he felt hurt.

Fion3il · Answer

If i was him, I wouldn't break up I would stay and forgive but thats just me. He is entitled to feel hurt from it as much as he wants. give it time and maybe you might have another chance. Dont go begging for it though

Is it fair to break up with someone in a long term relationship if you found out they cheated YEARS ago?

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