Can you love someone if you were cheated and ended out having a 12 year affair?

Question

I recently caught my SO cheating on me, there was no denying it as I caught him red handed. When asked why he cheated was told because there was an attraction to this other female so he chose to cheat.. when ask how long for was told 12 years but claims to still love me.

can you cheat on your SO because you find someone else attractive and then continue it for 12 years and still love your partner?

if someone treated you like that would you stay friends? If so why and if not why not?

quaranta · Accepted Answer

That is a lame justification. The fact you are attracted to another person doesn't mean automatically you are going to pursue something with them, like, at all, it's a decision he took. And he hidden that from you because he knew he was doing something wrong, betraying your trust with no remorse, just the fear to lose the benefits with you (maybe you are a good sponge woman who provides a lot of services in the daily life like stability, meals, cleaning etc). So he decided to keep the maid and the lover together. But there is no justification behind cheating, he disrespected you for a total of 12 years which is an insane length and never had any minimal dignity to break up with you first.
Before cheating, a man (or a woman) can prove his maturity and responsibility level by just deciding to not cheat and let the feeling go away, meanwhile warning the girlfriend that something isn't right in the relationship because he keeps looking at others and that there is the urge to sort out problems and lacks in your relationship first, or, break it up if it can't work. He had so much time to try fixing the relationship and invest on a better bond to work on together, as well as to break it, yet he didn't take any move on any respectful direction.

Further, if he cheated on you without a condom he intentionally exposed you to STDs while you had no tool to prevent that, which can be considered almost on par with physical violence. If that is the case, I think I would probably react with physical violence myself, on him, although I don't encourage violence but that would be my level of rage this could get me to. Get tested at some point, for papilloma and HIV.

He claims he loves you but that is just not true, all it means is he wants your presence for some benefits, or that he is attracted to you, but the foundations of love are not there at all: respect, trust, connection, care, responsibility.

No, I wouldn't stay friend with a person like that, I would feel dirty in even owing him any dedication, the trust breach is extreme, there is no trace of respect and I can't get how I might even trust this person for minimal things from that point on, which don't make any friendship possible. He proven he will always put himself first, so there is no point, and he has 12 years of time to improve, yet he didn't change. At most he can now play the overdramatic victim role to keep you there, doing some mess, desperately "missing" you etc (typical of opportunists, don't let his crocodile tears convince you) but that is 12 years late to fix the situation...
I think you can stay in "good relations" meaning that for example if you have kids you can avoid arguments to not scare the kids or create them any discomfort, but for the rest... Disgusted and disappointed at this pathethic human being might be the maximum attention you can owe him.

BlackBeauty90 · Accepted Answer

He loves the convience. Maybe you cook for him, clean, etc. That is what he loves. If he actually LOVED you for you, as a person, he'd have told you... years ago.

See cheaters do not respect their partner. If they did, they would not cheat. If there is something amiss in a relationship they would talk with their partner. But because they don't respect (and don't love) their partner they just take the easiest means - cheating.

.

Love requires respect. When you love someone you respect them. Hell when you simply like someone, and liking is not loving someone, you respect them.

Without respect you're just abusing someone else's love and affection. Which if he has been doing for 12 years if that's reality. A very cruel and selfish thing of him to do.

Do yourself a favour and tell him to get lost.

SnowedIn · Accepted Answer

Many are going to disagree with me, but I believe strongly that you can love two people at once. And the one does not diminish the other.

So, in answer to your question, yes, you can find someone else attractive/have an affair/love them and still love your partner.

BUT... the cheating is wrong. Hands down. No argument; no excuses.

You asked if I would stay friends. I would not stay together with that person; they would no longer be my SO. The cheating killed it. I'd be hurt. But, after a time of space, I might continue being friends with them. After all, there was something that drew us together in the first place. I'm not a believer of throwing the baby out with the bath water. My point is that it's not an automatic no to occasionally texting them or having a cup of coffee. But the relationship is over -- that's for sure.

AdithyaR · Accepted Answer

There's a very fine line between cheating and polyamory (I'm not refering to poly relationships) and that line is consent and trust.
In open relationships for example, ideally both partners are consenting to it and trust each other.
Without that consent it shows a lack of respect for their partner.
Now sometimes there are times when somebody can be in love with two people at a time and sometimes the cheating is just due to them choosing lust over their partner.
But in either case the problem with cheating is the breach of trust and lack of consent. So it's irrelevant whether the cheater actually loves you or not, their feelings are invalid the moment they cheat.

Sorrento-Sun · Answer

I don't believe there's any correlation between love and infidelity.

I'd never assume someone wouldn't cheat on me just because they love me.

Some pople who love their partner can and do cheat. Just like some people who fall out of love with their partner won't necessarily cheat

People cheat because they're weak. The have no willpower and no self-control over their desires and emotions. So opportunity controls their loyalty. They lack empathy and a conscience towards their partner, even if they love their partner.

I value loyalty above all else. If someone can't provide loyalty, I'd cut them out of my life for good. I'd burn all bridges as though to speak.

If someone cheated on me they'd lose my trust. So I couldn't remain friends with someone who has lost my respect and trust

Anonymous · Answer

12 years is such a long time
It depends what you? If you want a men who loves just you then he is not the one. If you don’t care you can stay
But I can say that he doesn’t love you 100% that’s why cheating happens also for this long.. it means he sees you as a victim. He would rather keep you and say lies to you than be honest with you. So basically he stole your life away he is a thief you lost a chance to meet the men you deserve. You still have time to fix this. You can leave..
it’s up to you

Venting101 · Answer

I am someone who believes if you truly love someone, you would never cheat on that person because you would want to be loyal and faithful to that person and you would never want to do anything to want to ever hurt them or break the trust with them.

RavVid · Answer

I think he could but I don't think you should accept that. It is a broken relationship now. Move on is all you can do.
It is probably best to stay friends but it depends on how hurt you are and if it would exacerbate your hurt to do so. If you have children then there are a whole lot of other considerations. I assume not as it isn't mentioned.

Fireguy17 · Answer

you can still love them, but you may no longer be in love with them.
If the affair was going on that long I would have to leave.
To have been lied to for that long of a time would be impossible to forgive them.
It probably won't be easy, but you really have to wonder why he stayed with you for that long, yet he was with someone else.

Anonymous · Answer

This is why he’s just your SO not your husband….. Yes I think it’s possible to love more than one person because people are so individual. You need to figure out though what you are to him does he just like your convenience and stability and her for passion and sex

SexyRedd1966 · Answer

I would not... cheating is a deal-breaker for me... I would never trust them again and how could they love you and been carrying on a 12-year affair... that's crazy

Finchie40 · Answer

Fuck No , dump his ass , He doesn’t love you , if he loved you he wouldn’t be cheating on you , kick his ass to the curb where he belongs , He just likes the convenience of you , there is no love

boggboss · Answer

This is ridiculous to claim he loved u simply shows what he thinks of love is a shitty thing to cheat for 12 years my god please don't tell me you are falling for this

Flower7 · Answer

No, that’s not love. When you’re in love with someone, you think they are the best person there is, and also wouldn’t want to hurt that person.

billmunch · Answer

I've been with my wife for 14 years and for about three of those years, she had a boyfriend and I knew about it. I really didn't mind once I got used to it.

Keishio · Answer

I believe you can love someone and at the same time feel attracted to someone else and even act on that attraction. All it shows to me is a lack of self control and resonsability which is something you won't want in your relationship

LiamJHayden · Answer

He  might  love you as in caring about you, but there is no commitment. I would not tolerate it and would end the romance, but you need to do what is right for you.

OddBeMe · Answer

1) red handed? Does that mean you caught him inside a woman? 2) 12 years? I think I’d be more concerned with how duped you were and if you need some therapy.

nawtee_me · Answer

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Why change when you can have your cake and eat it too. He doesn’t have to commit to either one if he has both. But I bet she would feel differently if you asked her.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Dump him. Now. And don't ever look back. Hopefully you can make him pay in court, too.

Anonymous · Answer

No I could not love someone who cheated on me. If I found out about it, I woukd destroy her in court.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

People cheat because they are sick of their partner.

Anonymous · Answer

No, I don't think it's possible to do that for 12 years and still love your SO. Even having a friendship wouldn't be possible being lied to that long.

Hotboy_booblover · Answer

Yes.. Guys are always horny. But they can still love only 1 person.

AlexisDubaixx · Answer

No not today or tomorrow

HappyWoman34 · Answer

Probably not.

LavLavLuv · Answer

EWW no

LimitedBenefits101 · Answer

Yes, you can love someone and still cheat.

Anonymous · Answer

I’m curious, how did you find out?

Anarchus121 · Answer

Hell No

Dav1dTh0ma389 · Answer

No, you really can't

Can you love someone if you were cheated and ended out having a 12 year affair?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Can you truly love a person but still end up cheating on them?

Can you love someone if you were cheated and ended out having a 12 year affair?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Can you truly love a person but still end up cheating on them?

We're glad to see you liked this post.