I Never Seem To Be Good Enough For Men. Will I Ever Find Love?

[Anonymous]

I've been cheated on in 3 of my four relationships heavily. Left in the last one because he wanted to sleep around. I've been abused, I've been treated like shit. I never seen to be my mans first choice. His attention is always on someone prettier, more out going.

My worth isn't men but I've never felt like one truly loves me. Like they're happy to be with me. I'm always a "eh, you'll do". Makes me wonder if I'll ever really be loved.

[SteveSmith1985]

I think you will find love one day.

I am really sorry that you've had so much heart-ache in your past. You sound like someone who has a lot of love to give, you just haven't found someone to love you the same way in return. I think that is one half of the reason I believe you'll find love one day. The fact that you're willing to love is absolutely necessary to finding Love. I can see that you've got love to give.

Where things are going sideways for you is in WHO you choose. I am going to say that I'm fairly confident that you are simply choosing the wrong men (or more likely the wrong TYPE of men) when you're looking for love.

Now, you are looking at this whole thing ALL WRONG.

It's not at all a matter of you "not being good enough for men". That is just not the question. That's not what's going on here.

The real questions you should be asking yourself are:

What do all these guys who turned out to be assholes have in common? Are they a certain "type"? Do they play a certain 'role'? (protector, provider, comfort, stability etc).

In other words, you need to ask yourself why do all the guys I get involved with turn out to be assholes. What attracted me to each of them in the first place? How did they 'fool' me into believing they were good guys? Were my expectations for these guys (how they'd act in a relationship) based on how they 'were' or on wishful thinking. Like INITIALLY did they present themselves to be better guys than they were, or was it more that you 'convinced' yourself that they were going to be better partners than they were.

But here's the hardest part. It's the hardest part because, as you've said, you've got a history of being mistreated and undervalued and taken for granted by guys who have claimed to love you.

That means that you have essentially 'gotten used' to being treated like shit. What I mean is, you get a skewed reality in your mind about what 'normal' relationships look AND FEEL like when all you experience are bad ones. This makes someone more likely to tolerate being mistreated in future relationships because you basically lose sight of 'how bad it is".

Now, when you say you've been 'abused'. If you're talking about physical (or serious emotional) abuse than that's a bit different. Well it's the same, it's just there's a whole lot more serious psychological things you'll need to work through.

But if you meant "abused" as sort of another way of saying "mistreated' or "treated like shit" (which is what I've been assuming).

Your biggest problem is staying with a guy when you're not his first choice. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS feel like your boyfriend's first choice. If you don't, that's a relationship that needs to end. Right then. You are trying to love guys who are not trying to give you that same love in return. You're giving your heart away to guys who were never going to treat it with the care it deserved.

You need to start to recognize your own value. Yourself. You should never ever waste your time with a guy who you no longer think wants you more than any other woman. If you feel like you're not his first choice, that's a SIGN to dump him.

ONLY look for love (start a relationship) with guys who are YOUR first choice and who choose YOU as the woman they'd prefer to be with OVER ALL OTHER WOMEN IN THE WORLD. That is the ONLY time a relationship (any relationship) might work out.

If you aren't someone's first choice. If they aren't 'happy' to be with you. They can't possibly treat your heart with proper care. Loving someone like that will always lead to bad times eventually.

Hang in there. Only accept guy who are what you deserve. See if you can identify how to avoid the kinds of guys you've dated in the past. THAT is the key.

I do think you'll find love. As long as you don't stop looking. 🙂

[Anonymous]

"I've been cheated on in 3 of my four relationships heavily. "

Do you think the problem is that you choose sucky men, or that you drive men to cheat?

[MrsTurkleton]

It doesn’t take much effort to not be a sucky person

[MrsTurkleton]

Nobody walks around with “I am a cheater” written on their forehead.

[Opinion Owner]

@MrsTurkleton Avoiding the question. Nice.

[MrsTurkleton]

At least I’m not an anon trying to gaslight the OP.

Everyone who has every been treated badly has blamed themselves…. however it doesn’t excuse shitty behaviour.
It’s not difficult to be a decent person. That is on one person. Every adult is responsible for themselves.

The nicest guy I have ever met ( at face value) still cheats on his girlfriend. It’s not always obvious.
The asker isn’t at fault simply because she dared to put her trust in someone who ultimately betrayed it.
.

[Opinion Owner]

@MrsTurkleton You don't get it. She needs to learn that men cheating on her, has to do with them. Not her. And one way you can get her to realise that, is to force her to confront the question : What could she do to change the situation? Pick better men? Get better at picking men? (If it was easy to tell which men were cheaters, women would be taught how to do it by their mothers) Or is she driving men to cheat? (I'm sure that's not the case. There's no kids involved, and most men would just dump a bad woman rather than cheat on her, when there's no marriage/kids.)

But she needs to come to this realisation herself. A stranger straight up telling her that on the internet won't have the same impact that her coming to the conclusion herself, would have.

[Sam_The_Savage]

Honey listen...
First love yourself and stay confident guys like confident girls. Just changed yourself honey 😘

[Anonymous]

Sis if I can find it (or let it find me) it will find you too💜

[dudeinohio]

You are young. Give it time. As time goes on, men are more mature. You'll find someone

[noohair]

Be more selective but don't let looks fool you either.

[Adogdog]

I'm sure you will, you just have to find a good guy.

[Cubus]

Sure. Don't stop believing.

[Kareem_z21]

You aren't bad. You just chose the wrong guys