Have you ever tried to be your partners therapist?

[lilyanony1]

Imagine your partner says they're suffering from anxiety, every decision they make is first tested with so many questions and worries. They can't start anything new without really weighing up possible outcomes etc.
Would you take it upon yourself to start implementing techniques to combat their problems or would you suggest therapy?

I've mentioned in the past that my anxiety was actually due to people playing me.
My ex pretending a particular item was something else when it wasn't because I didn't know about it. We would have a disagreement or argument and he'd cut the call short only to make decisions on his own, not informing me and punishing me with silent treatment for not abiding by his 'rules' or decisions'. He used to push or try to manipulate me to do things I didn't want to regardless if I told him no.
All the while not compromising on his likes, wants and dislikes simply because he didn't want to be vulnerable.
So it didn't feel loving, it felt like bullying and very toxic.
I felt like I didn't have a voice or ownership over my personal wellbeing and life.
Which of course only made me more anxious.

[AmandaYVR]

I'm not understanding how your question relates to your write-up.
Your partner sounds a little like he might have been gaslighting you. But mostly selfish. He simply wanted things his own way. Selfishness to that degree is a deal breaker for me. You cut that person out of your life (if they're expendable; with family, it's much, much, more complicated), and don't look back with any guilt.
Yes, partners should help each other. They should suggest, rather then enforce. But therapy seems to have nothing to do with your ex. Besides, he wasn't qualified to help you.

[lilyanony1]

I appreciate you're response. Maybe more than you know.
I'm working through the issues in therapy.
I don't know if I know really what a healthy relationship looks like.

[AmandaYVR]

Oh really? Hmm.
That's good.
Keep hope. Things change. Not always for the worse. We learn the warning signs, and how to read things better, as we age and experience life.

[lilyanony1]

Thank you. And yes you just told me exactly what you thought no mincing your words.
I appreciate honesty and that's exactly what you offered.
😊

[AmandaYVR]

. 💐 .

[ShaTTeredMasterpeace]

I wouldn't day therapist, but I did give advice whenever I could and tried my best to help. In my friend group I'm the one that everyone comes to for advice and encouragement. So yeah I try to make sure whoever I'm with feels that they can do the same. Nothing takes the place of real therapy tho.

[lilyanony1]

100% agree with that last line. I used to be you in the friendship groups until someone showed me i didn't know anything ^^^^ game playing

[boggboss]

U can't be both part of there's importance is tha ability to give objective advise and being able to speak without being judged in your everyday life its why good therapists keep business and personal separate and thats before the basics of if anyone could be a therapist people would pay to get that help u wouldn't have your partner try to do surgery on u so why would u try to have them fix your mental state

[lilyanony1]

I wasn't interested in him being my therapist. I spoke minimally of my issues. I mostly gave him a generic answer to help him to understand me. Like I'd expect in a relationship if a person asked. But he was analysing me and doing certain things to gauge me reaction. So he was trying to bring my insecurities out. I feel probably so he could gain the control he did.

[boggboss]

Simply shows he was a shit and toxic partner that u landed yourself with

[lilyanony1]

Yeah unfortunately I did. But you live and learn

[boggboss]

Just use it as a life lesson to pick up on red flags

[lilyanony1]

100% I never want to feel like that again

[boggboss]

And u shouldn't just unfortunate many stay in situations like that good that u left but many choose to stay

[lilyanony1]

Thank you 😊

[NathanDavis]

I am not a therapist myself so no... I would not be so irresponsible to try and be their therapist

but I can sure be a true partner to them, and that has helped a lot in the past... matter of fact, for friends and family as well, I can be there and support them... not just partners

[menina]

I've always been single so I can't speak from my own experience. If I was in that situation I would suggest therapy. I'm not a therapist so I guess I wouldn't able to give them the help they needed. However I would be there to listen and comfort them.

[mark000h]

No you cannot be a therapist to your SO. They need professional help. You can support them, but not try to cure them. Glad you see the toxicity of the relationship you described.

[lilyanony1]

The problem is that the anxiety I developed was actually because of him.
I wasn't the most confident person and always struggled to maintain friendships but I would always try my hardest to be open to whatever. With him I opened myself up to confusion. Nothing was logical with him. At first it felt like a fun puzzle, but then it became frustrating because he kept changing the rules. And the rules where basically whatever he wanted them to be or mean at that particular time.
I lost a lot of confidence in myself and developed a lot of self doubt because of him.
An example of his behaviour, knowing I don't like rides or driving fast in cars he decided to do 40mph in a 20mph zone.
As it was a sports car you feel the build up before you speed of and I ended up screaming out because of his stupid game.
He didn't laugh as he was very controlled but he did get angry with me because he seemed to think my reaction was over the top. Despite us approaching a zebra crossing with the island.
Idiot!

[mark000h]

It's not worth the stress and headaches for a little excitement. I know girls seem to crave drama, but really you'll learn life is so much better without all the headaches.

[lilyanony1]

Please don't generalise me because I didn't do that. I specifically told you that I don't like driving fast or rides. That would indicate that I don't like the 'excitement' the same with him, he had a different upbringing being from a different country so I assumed the puzzles where more due to cultural differences. But they were games. I wouldn't have stayed if it wasn't for the love I felt for him. As with every relationship it wasn't always pain but the headaches and confusion is what lead us to break up over and over again

[mark000h]

Not what I meant. I don't know you. I was making a general statement that lots of girls actually like drama, that's all. You didn't like what he was doing, you told him, but even though he was causing you to be ill, you chose to love and chose to stay so ultimately you chose to be with someone who was causing you pain.

[lilyanony1]

I don't like drama and I stayed because I loved him. I still do despite it and I don't know why. Given what went on. I think a part of me believed that acting right or him just seeing my point of view would change things but the more I resisted the more pressure he applied and I'd cave which meant I still suffered so I left. Many times until I have left for good.

[mark000h]

You ultimately have to save yourself. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I can imagine if I cared for someone and then it went south, it would be hard even under the best of circumstances.

[lilyanony1]

I'm saving myself. And it wasn't about the relationship ending, it always felt like the relationship never really had the opportunity to start. And after a significant amount of time I realised that wasn't going to change. There's a reason he played the games and kept me at arms length. Maybe there's someone else, maybe he just didn't really like me, maybe he just liked the perks of someone loving him as nuch as I do. Whatever it was, it was too painful for me.

[mark000h]

Agreed. Glad to hear you're putting yourself first. It's brave. Most people might be tempted to stay with the status quo. As for why, like you said, who can say... and does it really even matter? People do things but ultimately it's how we react to those things.

[lilyanony1]

Thanks for listening and offering your insight 😊👍🏾

[mark000h]

You're welcome. Glad you're gonna be ok.

[TheBootyChest]

I try to be ANYONE's Therapist who will listen to me. LOL.

But that's mostly because I have been in therapy and I want to help other people.

[lilyanony1]

That's really kind. But I personally wouldn't advise it. It's good to be a great friend that can listen but it can be a lot to take on.

[TheBootyChest]

I do listen, and ask if they want my advice.

[lilyanony1]

Fair enough. That's all a person could really ask for.

[TheBootyChest]

Is it fair to ask for it in return? Kidding, not kidding. LOL.

[lilyanony1]

Well we all need and deserve a good friend. Maybe by being one your showing others how they can be one too. But sometimes it's better to just appreciate a friend for what they can offer. Everyone has a role in our lives it's unfair to expect them to change just to suit a particular need.

[TheBootyChest]

True enough.

[MotorcycleMan]

I would push therapy. I'm not a therapist and while I may be trying to help, I could do more harm than good by not knowing what I'm doing. Sounds like a toxic relationship that you are better off without.

[Lovelylady92]

Don’t be his therapist. If it’s a decision that impacts your relationship, then talk about it. Otherwise, listen to him, offer your opinion if it’s appropriate. As his partner, be there for him and support him as you should. If he needs a therapist, lovingly suggest that and let him decide if he needs that.

[MandyandScott]

I’d say no, if she asks my opinion, I’ll give it to her as spiteful as she gives me when she does the opposite of what she asked me for. If you and your partner yell as a form of communication, get out before it gets worse. Took me 3 marriages to find that out. Really spiteful is the fact that 2nd and 3rd wives were extremely intimidated by and that was my first wife. My vacay is going to be with her on my birthday

[legalboxers]

tried to be a friends therapist. they were a broken record, they complained about how the upstairs people were vacuuming too loud, how her stuff was missing from her room - accusing her sisters exs daughter from stealing, how people are stealing her photos off facebook , seeing how people are leaving her instagram account (saying people are unfollowing her every 2 seconds)

[lilyanony1]

Huh?

[legalboxers]

@lilyanony1 I dated her for sometime.. this is what she complained to me for 5-6 years, how shit was stolen, how people were vacuuming too loud, how someone was following her as she walks around the city

[lilyanony1]

But having someone complain to you isn't you being their therapist. If you're saying she had a mental health issue and she refused help and you trued to be her therapist then fair enough. But what I'm hearing is an unusual set of circumstances that she told her partner about.
I have been followed home and stalked at least 3 times one occasion resulting in the police dropping me home. In the event that someone claims this happening always assume theyre telling the truth unless you have known reason to believe they're seeing things.

[legalboxers]

@lilyanony1 Her therapist themselves told her that she's imagining things. I tried to help them with many meltdowns. She even accused cousins of stealing something when in fact it was in the other side of the room, where they left it

[lilyanony1]

I see.

[Wise4myage]

No, but I would always like to help a girl friend anyway I could.

[lilyanony1]

I think unless a person asks you to do x y and z it's important to just be kind and a decent person.
It's like anything if a person had a club foot for example you wouldn't keep going on about the club foot or keep suggesting things you know they couldn't possibly do. You know... Maybe you'd ask them what things they like to do for fun and or focus on the things about them that still make them attractive in spite of the club foot. You know. He didn't do that

[Wise4myage]

I agree and its sad that he didn't at least try.

[lilyanony1]

I think to some extent he thinks he was doing a good thing.

[Wise4myage]

Well that's good.

[Sam2021]

yes and it didn't get me anywhere. i actually needed therapy in the end. he seems to be better off now with someone else. so it did work after all, he just wasn't the right person for me.

[serious]

I have always been single so the question is not applicable.

[DizzyDesii]

Too many times. Im trying to steer away from that these days

[Fatwaffles24]

While i think its good to be there and listen to them. I think it's a terrible idea, even if you're a licensed therapist it just causes too much stress and they will starting depending on you to "solve" their issues.

[Massageman]

My wife does this all the time to me- she's the counselor.

[Twalli]

I would try to help, but I wouldn't say that I have the answers

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I tried calming them down that was about it

[lilyanony1]

That's reasonable, all you can really ask of a partner.
Maybe I'm just odd but I don't really expect my partner to have all the answers to my issues and personally it's an advantage. They can offer other forms of support when in feeling blue.
I appreciate in some instances this may be a difficult thing to grasp, as some people feel helpless but that's probably because they take ownership of fixing the person. When they shouldn't

[Gwenhwyfar]

Yeah I have. And vice versa.

[Agape93]

Best I can be

[EaterPeter]

No and yes