How Do You Handle Family And Others When You Don't Want Kids?

[Sarah_Abbs_93]

My husband and I have been married since November 2019 and we have been together since May 2013. We don't want kids. We both knew neither of us wanted to have kids when we first got together. I also completed a uni degree bachelor of nursing in 2018 and I'm currently doing a post-grad certificate in mental health which is demanding. I am also the oldest of 4 kids and took a hand in raising my siblings. My father would work 50 hours a week so wasn't really available. Because of him my 3 siblings and I did all have food to eat, clothes to wear, a home to grow up in, electricity and bills paid, school fees paid and Christmases and birthdays so he was good in that regard. My mum became an alcoholic. I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. Mum has a few mental illnesses but refuses medication or therapy. I am glad I got medication and went to therapy. My mother has had many opportunities to do the same but refuses. My parents ended up divorcing when I was 16yo. My dad re-married 5 years ago and moved 3 hours away. My mum has been sober for 8 years now. I'm glad she's no longer an alcoholic but she still has a lot of issues she needs to deal with. I spent 3 years seeing a psychologist for my own issues. Husband wants a vasectomy next year. My mum takes it very personally and gets upset or angry. I've told her I don't 'owe' her grand-kids. None of my siblings or I have any kids atm. Dad isn't bothered whether we do or don't want kids, but mum always likes to bring it up and make us feel we 'owe' her. Once, when we just got married she tried snooping around the house and our drawers looking for condoms or birth control. We felt disrespected. No matter how often we try to restrict her she always pops up. I also like to talk to my 2 younger siblings who do live at home and I'm close with my sister. My husband and I want to let my 2 younger siblings stay with us if mum goes back down a destructive path so our door needs to be open to them. How can I handle this?

[Chlo3_2001]

Stand strong in your decision. You have 3 other siblings anyway, but even if none if them have kids your mother needs to accept it and get over it. Having kids means they're individual people and you're correct that no one is owed grandchildren. You sound a lot more mature than your own mother it seems and I'm so sorry. I also don't want to have kids and I am childfree by choice. I've never been pregnant and I don't want to be. I have 1 sister but I am the only sibling that has my head screwed on as I'm told, and should have kids, but I won't have them for as long as I have a choice in it. I love kids and I'm maternal, but not in the way people think. I never want to have kids or go through pregnancy. War, crisis, poverty, illness, cost of living, genetics, etc. I refuse to purposely bring children in to the world. Hugs. ❤

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

You stand your ground. Only you can decide how you want to live your life. If your mom is pushy and disrespectful to you and your decisions, put up boundaries.
There’s no other way to “handle” it except for just standing your ground

[stark04]

Nobody else's opinion matters if you and your partner agree on something. Kids are cute and cuddly to spend good time but raising them is hard, raising them right is lot harder.

Yes your parents will love your kids to the moon and back but you're the one who's gonna raise them so ultimately if you don't want kids then just don't have them, don't let your parents or other people guilt you into having kids. It's not a bad thing that you don't want kids, you don't owe anyone anything.

No need for vasectomy, just use condoms or contraceptives. Just have a happy healthy life without third person's interference.

[Sarah_Abbs_93]

We are quite happy to go with the vasectomy route. Husband is keen to get it next year sometime as he has discussed it with his doctor. I don't mind using contraceptives but I also don't want to be on them another 15 to 20 years.

[stark04]

I'm glad that you both are on same page. That's what everyone needs, a supportive partner. As long as you both are happy, you don't need to listen to 3rd person. 🤗🙂

[Waldoe]

Just LIE... tell people that either he or she is infertile doesn't matter or any other reason, they will stop asking, low sperm count or tilted uterus tell it is so rude that no one will leave you guys alone to enjoy each other

[Desconhecida]

Set some boundaries. It's your choice and people can't keep disrespecting you.

[Mangospacho]

Kind of ironic that the parent who checked out in your childhood and is probably the reason why you don’t want kids is the one insisting on you having kids like she wants grandkids for her own entertainment. I have four kids of my own so I haven’t been asked the “when are you gonna have more kids” in LONG time but I get where you’re coming from and why you don’t want kids at the moment. It’s almost like the people who insist you have kids of your own are so unhappy with their own life choices that they’re depending on you now. The irony is that when she stops nagging you about having kids of your own is probably when you and your husband might think about kids. Maybe hold off on the vasectomy for now but tell your mom your husband got snipped just to piss her off. 😉

[Sarah_Abbs_93]

Thank you but we are definitely sure. I'm 29 and he is 28 and we have been together for almost 9 years. We don't ever want to bring kids in to the world so my husband is going ahead with the vasectomy next year and I have an IUD in until that takes effect. We may take that advice and say he has already been sterilised though.

[NotYourCinderella]

You seem really mature and responsible and I just want to send my love and support and I fully support you on your decision to be childfree. Family doesn't get a say in that. Family can also be what you want it to be. I'm 23 and I'll be 24 in July and I'm still young but I don't have any kids. I am on the fence about having any. I don't think they're for me but I do love kids. I'm 30% thinking I may want to have 1 or 2 when I am 30 and I've been with the right guy a few years and hopefully married but I'm also 70% content and okay with the idea if I never have kids either. I definitely don't plan on trying to have any kids in the next 5 years hahha. All I can say is stand your ground. Hugs. 💞

[ChrisMaster69]

My sister decided years ago she did not want to have kids.

she has stuck to her guns and 100% is not having them.

TBH I did discuss it with her when we were younger.

she's just totally against having or even adopting in part due to our childhood shit.

she is fine with my daughter and is not anti kids, just not for her.

I accept it as it’s what she wants.

[Sarah_Abbs_93]

I'm sorry to hear, part of it is my own upbringing also. But I think being childfree needs to be normalised. I love kids but never ever want to be a parent and of course my husband and I are on the same page and after 8 years together so far as a couple we don't think it will change. People never really consider that having kids is more than just having a baby, it's raising an entire human and meeting their needs and raising them well in to adulthood and always being available to them. I'm a registered nurse and currently doing postgraduate studies in mental health nursing and my husband works full-time and we both make just enough to provide a middle class life just for us two and our pets and every couple years some travel. We definitely couldn't do that or cope with kids.

[Avicenna]

Now that you've told them, you shouldn't address the subject anymore unless your mind changes. You have three siblings and I have a hard time believing none of them will ever want kids. It's understandable that your mom wants grandkids, but it's your life.

[Cowboy6666]

Well I dont want kids either.
I dont listen to them, If possible I would live as far away as possible from these people who force me to marry and have kids

[Wise4myage]

Tell them to mind their own damn business and be mean about it. But do invite your siblings to live with you.

[Anonymous]

"This topic is not open for discussion"

And if that fails? Move out.

*Beep beep beep* "This number is not available"
:)

[Sarah_Abbs_93]

Oh my husband and I got our own places together years ago. I moved out of my mother's home when I was 25. I'm 29 now. So it has been a while. We live a good hour from her but try to have contact for my 2 younger siblings who live with her still.

[Opinion Owner]

So how does she burst in to your space? How is it, that she still has that power over you?

[Sarah_Abbs_93]

Being my mother and that I still spend time with and communicate with my 2 youngest siblings who still live at home with her.

[Opinion Owner]

There obviously is something bridging you and her. Find it and take care of it.

[Staximus]

You don't need to handle anything. Just say " I'm not having kids "

[jasco]

Tell them I don't want kids. My family is quite understanding so yea

[888theGreat]

Well some day when you are old and ugly , you will have no choice but to go to a nursing home and the home will get everything you worked for.

[Sarah_Abbs_93]

Lol okay. I'm a registered nurse and you know who 90% of aged care residents are? Parents. Hey, at least I'll be able to splash out on a nice retirement instead of having children. You sound bitter.

[Anonymous]

A bit too long for me to bother reading tbh but if someone is pressuring you to have kids, they’re bizarre people.

[In_Trance]

I don't know what there is to handle. You made a decision you're happy with

[Anonymous]

I just kick that can down the road and will one day open that can of worms