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You have to comunicate boundaries for sure. With his friend moving in there is going to be times where someone feels like the third wheel. It's usually the person who has a hard time expressing themselves. The person who puts their needs aside to make others happy. The problem with that is it opens the door for resentment or misinterpreted situations where one assumes that the other is okay and one assumes the other should know better about what is considered an appropriate way to act within a social or romantic situation. In that kind of dynamic it's important to speak up and communicate directly what you need or risk having your feeling hurt or being left out of an important decision. The roles and responsibilities should be spelled out and done in a manner of organization and to prevent issues or conflicts before they arise. If that kind of communication can't happen it's going to be an issue trust me. I was in the millitary and have traveled extensively and had more living arrangements than I cared for. It can work if you have great communication and open to discussing and adapting to what works and what needs to change. You should all feel comfortable discussing things directly with each other individually or all together. I wouldn't communicate through someone. Like you having to go through your boyfriend to relay an issue with his friend. It's all together or direct. Good luck
Cleaning
Bill paying
Sleeping arrangements
Having people over
Ways to settle disagreements
Groceries
Cooking
Laundry
Entertainment options
probably more, but just an idea
We really hadn't discussed much. We both knew it was time and pretty much knew each other's habits and whatnot.
We more or less fell into a routine by trial and error. Things just sorted itself out on its own. What I mean are basic household responsibilities. After a few weeks, we kind of fell into a rhythm.
I think finances are the only thing we discussed. We contribute 50/50 even though he makes a lot more than I do. I think it would be important to figure out the costs of where you are living and general expenses so you are both comfortable.
Your boyfriend should be able to provide you with a list of expenses and then the two of you decide how much each contribute. Sometimes it will not always be 50/50 do to income differences. That is okay. It is about what makes both of you comfortable.
Thanks for your reply! It is comforting to know things fall into place easily on their own sometimes too. We are both students who work, so our income is very similar, and we both like to split payment for things and sometimes treat each other. Glad it has worked so well for you!
@NZGirl07 You are most welcome. You have nothing to worry about. Things just get sorted on their own over time naturally. The most important part is to enjoy the fun in the beginning. It is a really exciting time and you need to enjoy this big move!
Best of luck to the both of you and have fun!!
Great question. My boyfriend and I will be moving in together soon too, and we've discussed finances (income + how expenses will be split), chores, cooking, getting pets, how often we'd want to have guests over, etc. I'm sure there are many more things but that's a good starting point.
As for moving in with a third person, I personally don't think that's a great idea. Unless it's necessary for financial reasons, having a third person in the mix is just going to create more tension, especially if that person is already friends with one of you. If a disagreement comes up between you and this friend, your boyfriend will feel stuck in the middle. I think learning how to live with a partner is a big enough task without throwing in the complication of another person.
Hey thank you for your tips! I wish you and your boyfriend the best luck. As for the 3rd person, my boyfriend and I are students who are flatting, and we haven't had the experience of ever living with a partner ever before. Since we are younger we thought it might be better to learn how to live together while having a friend with us, making things a little less intense while we learn. Finances also come into play :)
That makes sense. Best of luck to you too!
Oh, and thinking back to my university days when I was your age, my then-bf and I lived with other people. Make sure you discuss groceries with the third person. We had college roommates for a summer and we agreed to split the cost of groceries so we could all just eat whatever (so we didn't have 4 gallons of milk, etc.) BUT... I spent an hour grocery shopping, bought tons of food, came home, unloaded the groceries, posted the bill/everyone's share. Went to work, came home later to find the roommates had had about 10 people over and they ate ALL the food I had just bought. We stopped splitting groceries after that.
Anything that you think should be obvious... isn't. You really can't be TOO clear lol.
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20Opinion
Sleeping time and shower schedule, eating time and food choices, prebought materials and necessary new purchases, vehicle usage and in laws, alcohol usage etc…
Don’t do it!! You’re 19, get an apartment with some girl friends and experience that part of life. Make some memories.
You have the rest of your life to live with him if he’s the one, why rush it and throw away other memorable times.
Guys at that age are notoriously lazy and dirty. At one point in college we threw out our dishes and went 100% paper and plastic because my roommates would never wash them. Lol
Hard for me to understand why people are in a rush to grow up. Stay young, have fun, live wild and spontaneous. You’ll have a ton of time for everything later.
Thank you for the kind warnings! I'm turning 20 soon, and definitely have experienced a lot of things. I am currently living with 4 other girls and have been enjoying myself. I'm definitely a spontaneous person and I've enjoyed going out to parties and town, but I'm more of a home body, and a bit of an old soul. Friends are great but I'm happiest with my partner, and we have a great life together. I think moving in is the natural next step to me since I've lived at home, at a dorm and with other girls!
Put a reminder in your phone to give us an update in 2yrs.
I’m now 37, my mindset on just about everything in life changed yearly until I was 29-30. In those 10yrs your about to live I had several gfs that wanted to settle me down…. What a mistake that would have been, I didn’t even know myself yet.
Everyone has this Cinderella story in their mind where love cures all and when you know you know. Most “love” is actually infatuation and fades. You know what’s just as important as a love connection… timing.
When I look back all I can think of are the experiences and impactful people along the way. 2 of those experiences were living with my gf… cause I didn’t learn the first time. Took me 2x to have it sink in to make smart decisions instead of listening to a girl and following passion. 2 hardest breakups I had were with the ones I had lived with…. Not bc I should have been fighting for the relationship. But bc a lease was in the way and I didn’t have extra money back then. Living together makes things sticky, so it’s sooo much harder to end.
I've been in a few relationships so I'm well aware of the infatuation trap. Being together almost 2 years we are definitely past that and very comfortable. Definitely doesn't work out for some people but I don't think that's the answer for all. Known I've wanted to settle since I was a kid, though I'm not buying a house or having kids just flatting haha.
Gutsy. Write down rules. Agree to in writing. Who pays for what. Responsibilities.
You don’t know he’ll until you’ve dealt with a pain in the knock child make that doesn’t carry their own weight and eats out if your ice cream container and leaves it empty in the fridge.
Groceries expenses… etc
Ha. Yes was being fun and glad you could read that. I’m serious to. Poorly trained teenage boys are a handful… definitely have to set expectations and manage to avoid undue stress. Some are best raised out in the pig 🐷 barn…. Their native habitat. You’ll discover a lot and that’s good. Saving $ worth it just don’t be passive… address issues and he needs to do same. It’s not unlike getting a 🐶
Loop back when its all done so we know how it goes. Good luck!
I see three important things to be settled:
#1 - How much wardrobe space is available, and how much of that is allowed for the man :)
#2 - Where to store shoes that are not in use :)
#3 - Bathroom time allowances in the morning :)
...
#3 may include regulations of how to pee and where ''The Lid'' is :D
I guess you have to discuss the rules When going out with your friends too the bars and clubs while the boyfriends at home preparing to go to bed early so he can get up and work. If it was me I wouldn’t allow it at all Its just not right but it’s up to you and your boyfriend to discuss the rules if he accepts this or not. Also who’s house is it? You’re gonna have to do housework and probably do some cooking depends if you’re gonna be paying rent or living there for free with your boyfriend
I feel like your reply is a bit sexist, my boyfriend and I view each other as equal in the relationship and both cook and clean, not just me as a woman. We also will both pay rent, and as for going out to clubs we both like being at home :) equality is important in a relationship.
u I don’t think it’s sexist at all I was thinking how I live my life I own my own house and the mortgage is paid off and if my girlfriends gonna live with me she definitely can help clean the house and cook for me because I’m not a cook and that’s how I would live my life for my new future girlfriend that’s coming from Europe to move in with me hopefully. She won’t be paying any rent so she has to bring something to the table and cooking and cleaning will be just perfect. Everybody in the relationship has certain roles that they take on
@Iron_Man
It is a bit, assuming that she's moving in with him rather than both moving in together for instance.
Your girlfriend might not have a work permit right away, but she might want some independence down the road, a income of her own, even if it might be lower than yours, and definitely help with the house work if she's European.
It varies of course, but most Europeans are more egalitarian then your average American.
And the ones that's not that's open to finding partners in other countries tends to be the most progressive ones in their country.
That said, I hear you, I prefer a woman that takes on a submissive role in the relationship too.
But it's something that has to be agreed upon, not just assumed.
u @Losalt she lives in Greece she doesn’t like her own people as far as dating goes and she likes me a lot I’ve been talking to her for 11 months she doesn’t work and we’ve already organized everything and she’s perfectly happy with it she’s a bit of a procrastinator though she’s 30 years old but a little bit immature still so we’ll see what happens. she's still living with her mother so it’s gonna take time to have that all organized. She’s a very beautiful girl very nice but also can be very feisty. I actually met her right on this site.
@Iron_Man
Feisty?
You expect to be in charge in the house and she feels otherwise?
Remember that people don't want to live in the US at all cost.
She's currently enjoying spending time with you.
If that changes she honestly have more opportunities within the EU since she's Greek.
So chances are that she's coming for *you*.
But yeah, whatever works for the two of you.
@Iron_Man
She enjoys cooking, that's nice. :-)
As for refusing to allow her to pay.
Well, that wouldn't fly here in Norway.
Our women would be insulted at any hint of you not treating her as an equal, including the costs and other downsides.
They pay their own part of the bills, usually have a separate economy, will open their own doors etc.
Basically the opposite of all the southern American ideas of politeness and hospitality.
Still, I'm sure that it feels good for her to not have to worry about that cost during the move.
But be careful with the expectations.
She didn't grow up with the exact same ones as you did.
I do agree that if only one of you works then it's fairer for the other to take a bigger share if the house work.
Do both of you want to have children? If one of you wants to have children and the other doesn't that's a huge compromise for somebody. It very well could be a deal changer
You're not in this relationship for it to fail, correct? It's honestly something you need to have a conversation about fairly early in the relationship. It starts going great and 2 years down the road you decide that you're going to get married and then the conversation comes up that I really really really want to have kids and he says I don't want to. Then what?
Wait... why is the friend moving in with you two love birds? Won't that complicate the relationship and interfere with your romantic life? But if you're okay with that, then go for it.
We both don't feel 100% ready to move in just us two, as we are still younger and don't have any experience living with a partner. We feel more comfortable living with someone else first, as we can learn how to live together while also having someone else around, making it a bit less intense while we learn!
House rules, basic boundaries, finances, belongings you don't want other people messing with, food, snacks and finally any other information that might prove necessary such as allergies and things like that
Simple. Write down what you two want life to look like together. Write down every possible detail and then both read it over and change it until you both agree on it. Simple.
That's a great idea!! Thank you
Closset, drawer and shelf space. If you are combining two separate households then which dishes, cooking tools, linens and furniture.
That friend moving in with you guys will. limit your privacy... kind of hinders things. You should find a place by your selves
Ok, cool
“If you piss on the toilet (or anywhere besides the inside), wipe it up. It’s not that hard, even a Bronze player can do it”
Hopefuls you’d know what his ambitions are, his hygiene habits etc…
Should discuss everything like splitting the bills cooking cleaning repairs
Bills, bills, bills. Delegate tasks.
Finances for sure but most importantly the lease
How chores and living costs are split.
rent, groceries, utilities, chores, privacy,
Which streaming services to have.
Sex, splitting costs,
Rules on home. Bills.
Credit history
Thanks for the tips! We've been together for a while so we both know we don't have any criminal records haha. As for income we are both students who work as well. A long term plan is a great idea, being engaged and married is something we both want in the future but we are still too young for that so it is further ahead :)
keep separate bank accounts!!!
Literally everything
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