Would you be annoyed about this?

[Lottaqs]

My fiancée has loaned his parents money before to the amount of around £1200 to pay their mortgage when the dad has struggled because of work. He is a driving instructor and does earn good money but hey ho.
I use the term loan loosely because they’ve never paid him back and in the meantime, bought themselves a hot tub that was at least £300.

Literally two days before my fiancée and I were going on our first holiday together due to covid, he went to see his parents and his mum broke down in tears saying they were being taken to court because they e been in arrears that many times with their mortgage that the house could be repossessed. My fiancée came home and was crying telling me about it.

We are trying to save for a mortgage ourselves and both have debts from our education etc and now he has agreed to financially help his mum and dad out each month and I think it’s really unfair.

My fiancée has such a kind heart but his family are always taking advantage of him. My parents wouldn’t dream of asking me for money!! They have had their house for years and the dad has defaulted and still owes £55k it turns out.

I’ve said what I think but am I being unreasonable in telling my fiancée his parents need to sort out their own mess?

[WonderBell99]

What my fiancé does with his money is his business, but I would be annoyed for him. His parents are taking advantage of him.

His parents did not think about the consequences of their actions. They had to pay off their debt, but instead chose to buy a hot tub for £300 in spite of getting financial help? Sounds like terrible money management to me.

Getting financial help from your children is okay as long as you pay them back. His parents were careless with money. Ask your fiancé NOT to lend them money anymore. His parents need to learn a lesson. Actions have consequences. They made the bed, now they have to lie in it.

[Lottaqs]

That’s exactly what I’ve said and I’ve tried to be as diplomatic as possible but all he does is defend them. It’s his money and I’ve told him that but I know he won’t see a penny of it again. I’ve tried getting him to see how my parents are is how things should be. They have never borrowed money from me and they worked really hard to pay their mortgage off so they could retire and enjoy themselves. His family are sponges and I hate what they do to him. It’s complete emotional manipulation

[WonderBell99]

Seems like it. Your fiancé sounds like a wonderful son, but he needs to wake up and see that his parents are clearly using him.

Who the heck buys a £300 hot tub when they have a shit ton of mortgage to pay off? That’s frankly ludicrous. It is plenty clear that his parents are extremely reckless with their money. They are neither paying off their mortgage nor are they even trying to pay him back.

It’s his parents.. I don’t think he will listen to you. You can only try to make him see things the way there are. Other than that, you cannot do anything. Be careful what you say about his parents, you do not want to get into a fight/argument with him over this.

[slatyb]

Are you living together?

Cohabiting couples, including married couples need three bank accounts, his, hers, and ours. If both are working, each contributes an agreed amount to the joint account to pay for joint expenses:housing, utilities, groceries, entertainment, etc. The partner that earns more should contribute more. The rest belongs to the individual partners. They can spend it as they please.

So that's how you solve the parental support problem. Your partnership comes first. No matter what, he has to make his contribution to the joint account. He can do whatever he wants with the rest, including paying off his parents debt. If they ask for more than he has, then he has to tell them "sorry, that's as much as I can do".

If he can't agree to this, don't marry him. If he agrees, but then can't pay his part of the expenses because he gave too much to his parents, that should be a deal-breaker. Good luck.

[Lottaqs]

We have exactly this set up but I know he’ll be spreading himself thinly now because of paying them. I also know that we are currently on the holiday and he is being super careful about money! I didn’t come away to be like this! I don’t see how he can pay them and be comfortable. He’s also looked at cheaper rentals for us since we’ve been here and I’ve had to repeat that I’m happy where we are which is a lovely place we can both afford with our current salaries

[slatyb]

The money for the trip should have been budgeted before you departed. It's not his to spend on his parents.

[the_man57]

Not unreasonable at all! You need to point out to your boyfriend that they spent money on unnecessary things like a hot tub instead of paying for their mortgage. They need to be adults and face the consequences of their own actions. It's not fair to sacrifice your own future for people who don't respect themselves enough to make good decisions

[Lottaqs]

The thing is, if I say anything to him about them like about the hot tub, he makes excuses for them and defends them. One time I nearly finished with him because he asked me for money rather than them when they owe him all that money

[Secret6620]

I think it's perfectly normal to be annoyed by this.

But I think it's important to show sympathy because he's just trying to take care of his family the best way he knows how.

It's not exactly fair for you to tell your fiancée "his parents need to sort out their own mess".

[Lottaqs]

I do just say how I feel. I don’t know how to make him see what a joke this all is

[Secret6620]

Just support him please. Best of luck

[Lottaqs]

Thanks

[Secret6620]

💜💜

[crossdressingrihno]

You should still set boundaries
Agree that it's okay for him to help his mom and dad but he can't be stupid about it

[Secret6620]

Thank you for most helpful girl!

[JoyGirl]

You can tell him that you are both planning for a future together. Let him know he can’t keep helping his parents with you guys money, all the time. Boundaries have to be set, and his parents have to figure out how to pay their own mortgage. They are adults, and they knew what they were getting themselves into, by getting a mortgage. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[JoyGirl]

His money**

[ArtemisSilver]

Help them once and tell them to get their shit together. After that let them deal with the consequences.

Parents shouldn't be leaning on their kids unless their old and too infirm to have a choice.

[ArtemisSilver]

I should add that my mother-in-law tried this shit with me and I told her to piss off an act for which I have zero regrets because if I hadn't been wasting my time and energy cuddling her I'm pretty much certain I wouldn't have my two daughters.

[ArtemisSilver]

Coddling*

[Lottaqs]

He needs to tell them but he won’t even though I’ve pointed everything out to him about the hot tub etc

[TrulyPink28]

Dave Ramsey (radio/youtube) would be a good one to call into. Your fiance's parents appear to be irresponsible, but first I query if they have any mental health concerns resulting in repetitive unhelpful behaviours? Does your husband recall any odd behaviour by them over the years? Would your husband be willing to take responsibility for receiving his parent's mortgage payments to help them? Importantly, his parents can't become homeless.

[Guy13]

Yes. For sure.

[Guy13]

Then the man said, “this at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.(Genesis 2:23-24).

[Lottaqs]

Love this! I didn’t know that is what the wording was