After living together, when is it fair to inquire about marriage?

[Anonymous]

So I’m 31 living with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I know he wants kids but I feel like once we’ve been together for 2 years, coming up on December, I’d like to know what our plans are. When is it fair to ask when we would get married and if that’s what he sees for us? I won’t want to wait around after 2 years if he can’t give me an answer.

[BarryLiverstone]

So let’s talk about plans and goals/dreams.


First for plans in a relationship the rule I go by is you can plan so long into the future as you have been in the relationship. So for your case it’s reasonable to make plans for a year out as you have been in the relationship for more than a year. Now this isn’t specific about marriage but it’s reasonable to talk about where you will be a year from now even if that’s engaged.


But when discussing goals there are individual goals and couple goals. Those are always topics to discuss and should be communicated at least weekly or monthly. You and him should keep track of your goals as a couple and talk about them periodically. The fact that you both want kids is a couple goal you can agree on. So it’s at least reasonable to discuss what milestones will happen before kids are possible (engagement, finances, living arrangements)


Bottom line you live with him and have been there going on 2 years. If some of these things are not being talked about you had better start. Is there a reason why you wouldn’t talk about your goals?

[Asker]

We both want marriage and kids, I guess I’m just wondering if or when he would propose to me.

[BarryLiverstone]

Steve Harvey would say that he will propose to you when you require it. So have you made it a requirement?

[Asker]

I’ve only talked about how much I would like to have at least 1 kid while my grandma is alive since my mom passed away. And he knows I won’t have kids without marriage. I have not worded it that I’d like to be married in x amount of time.

[BarryLiverstone]

https://youtu.be/cVAQ4roppwo

[BarryLiverstone]

The thing is as a guy we feel like we can wait a long time before proposing if you stay with us. But if you require a proposal and we risk losing you it causes us to really consider how life would be if we lost you

[BarryLiverstone]

This is even a better video https://youtu.be/RaWyHgKL3PY

[Asker]

Wow thank you, I feel more confident about what I need to do now. I just didn’t want it to sound like I was coming off attacking him but this all makes sense now.

[BarryLiverstone]

You are welcome. Go for it! I hope he decides to marry you

[AimeeKyle]

Open communication is the key to any relationship. Discuss/ask if you feel ready…. Just try to understand where he is / what his thoughts are. It’s ok if you both are not in the same place after your first, second or third conversation…. At some point (if you don’t get to the same place/agreement), you will have to decide when to move on.

I have lived with two women (at different points in my life). The first, I lived with for almost five years. I never did get to a point where I wanted to get married to her, so we went our separate ways. The second time I ended up marrying her within a year and a half.

[LazerBean]

Should have asked about what his intentions were about 2 years ago.

[BarryLiverstone]

She said he wants marriage and kids

[LazerBean]

With her though? Sounds like she still doesn't know.

[BarryLiverstone]

I agree with you. And I hope she can talk to him seriously and make him realize she’s the one

[caring__1]

The ideal time is before you move in together. You want to have a clear understanding of the person's ultimate objectives, what that looks like and what prerequisites must be met before each step in the process. Just ask him to paint a picture of his future. See what part you play in that future. If he never mentions you, ask him to help you see where you might fit into that picture. If you're just a place holder till something better comes along, cut you losses and move on.

[Adam1978]

First of all you should have checked if he was the marriage type during dating. Now you might need to settle with living together perhaps with kids. How is it possible to live with someone so long without knowing their life plans?

[ArrowheadSW]

If he wants kids and you want kids, I think it is definitely fair to bring it up at this point.

[Anonymous]

In the first 5 - 10 minutes?

What would be the point in dating someone who didn't have compatible life goals etc?

[TheSpaceGnome]

it usually takes 3 years to know everything about a person. What's the rush?

[boggboss]

U can bring it up wherever u want lol

[slatyb]

A year and a half ago.

[Jamie05rhs]

You're already living together. Why rush?

[anylolone]

When ever you want to your own peril.

[The_Naughty_Guy]

It’s time now to talk about it

[Zolly99999]

About 1 year

[In_Trance]

3-5 years

[Anonymous]

Beforehand.