It's fairly easy to be on your best behavior when dating, but living together is a totally different situation. When dating, people want to win the other over, so they tend to be more considerate. You want to see how considerate the person is in real life. By living together, you discover any challenges that might exist. This allows you to get into therapy together and learn how to deal with those challenges. How you or your partner follow through on what you learn in therapy is a good indication of what to expect in the future. If we're not showing consideration when the relationship is young, there's generally little hope of seeing consideration in the future.
Once people get married, they often feel they are stuck and just have to put up with what exists (or complain about it). They are less likely to seek help and do what's necessary to see progress.
I'm not saying I recommend indiscriminate living situations, but if the two of you plan to have a life together, it is helpful to learn what potential issues might be and have the opportunity to work as a team on them before the legal commitment is made. Seeing how you and your partner address and resolve challenges is important to have a clear picture of what you are getting yourself into. There will always be differences. No two people will ever be alike. You want to learn how the two of you deal with those differences before you make a lifelong commitment.
I understand you don't need to live together to have sex, but I've encountered too many people who felt they needed to be virgins on their wedding night... only to find out they were sexually incompatible. It is helpful to know what we're committing to. Would you take a job knowing the boss will pay a salary if and when he feels like it? The longer a commitment and the more life inclusive it is, the more research we want to do in advance to raise the likelihood of having the results we seek. Would you buy a stock just because you thought the name was cute? Knowledge will definitely help, in all aspects of your life. Don't assume you know all you need to know before you have all the facts.
If you are seriously looking for a relationship, you are not following most of the derivates of dating trends and ideas that have developed in the latest century. A person who is seriously hoping to find a meaningful and stable relationship will be very intentional about the process. I believe that part of being intentional and proactive involves reflection of what it is that you want exactly in the long term. What is your ideal vision. Now I'm not saying we will find the perfect person, but the perfect potential to grow towards that vision, provided it is a common vision for the 2 parties. Now, as you date, you should try and find out if the people you are seeing are compatible with you in terms of that vision. You should not loose your time with someone who does not satisfy that. You shouldn't settle for less than what you want, because that will frustrate you and that will create an unhealthy relationship in the long term. Don't waste your time with people.. as soon as you realize there are red flags of incompatibility, move on. And moving on is easy to do when you are not living with the person. Dont get involved with the wrong person.
Now, when you do find the "perfect match", you will have done so very intentionally. If you are serious about wanting a stable and meaningful relationship, you will not go with someone random and "see how it goes". You will have been very intentional in your conversations with the person before deciding he/she is the one. And by the way: the person should be on the same page as you, they should have been very intentional and thoughtful about being with you. This is part of the dating phase. So now that it is confirmed that you have a common vision of what you want (and fyi its not a day by day map, its a long term vision in things like "i want to buy a house in the next 5 years... or I want to be traveling around the world living in different cities every season"... those are super different so it should have been discussed)... With common visions confirmed, you are pretty much ready for the next step --> getting engaged.
Now maybe you'll want to wait, I don't know why though. If you are certain they are the one and so are they, and you guys are ready to make your vision come true.. why be afraid of getting engaged/married? If a person fears marriage, they're probably not the one for you... there's nothing to fear in it. Being intentional requires overcoming fears. Marriage is a beautiful thing and it is the confirmation that you are being intentional about going through life together. That you have each other's back even when life gets tough... and when life is wonderful as well!
This is an interesting question and I wish more people would consider it. These are the stats I've read about co habiting BEFORE marriage.
People who live together might get an idea of each others' bodily habits, which ALONE could end a relationship if they are repulsive to one or the other. Or perhaps that their eating and cooking habits don't jibe and they could never live together, or one lives in filth and the other is a clean freak.
Those oddball issues aside: Since most folks don't have fetid feet, compulsively fart, or have horrible food addictions and live like a pig, living together before marriage offers scant information about the longterm survival of a couple.
When people KNOW it's a trial period, they are usually on their best behavior as long as 2 to three years. The average "breakdown" times, when people stop "honeymoon behavior," is 6 to 18 months.
Therapeutic professionals say couples who know each other in that ballpark of time, 1 to 2 years, what many call "the engagement," have a good chance of a sound marriage.
On the other hand living together for a SHORT period of time before marriage seems to be good. Perhaps the LAST six months before the wedding. Weddings are stressful. You'll get to see your potential spouse grumpy, annoyed, bored, exhausted. Just as he'll see you.
These are the relationship tests. Therapeutic pros say one the wedding ring in on, couples often mimic the adult relationships they witnessed and lived with as children. If their parents had a solid marriage and grandparents, aunts and uncles did also, they have good role models.
The fact that it's called "PLAYING house," is the most telling thing about living together. It's not real until it IS real.
Obviously... It's all nice and sweet when you only date each other... The real challenge is to live together. That's what's gonna determine if you can stay together or not, hence, if you should get married.
I'll give my own example: I had a girlfriend for 7 years, we moved together, and we broke up after a year. It just wasn't working. I had another girlfriend that for necessity, we moved together after only 4 months. A year and a half later I proposed. 2 years and a half later, and we are still as happy if not happier than when we met.
Imagine if I had got married with the first one before trying to live with her!
I actually read an article on this the other day! There are two ways that couples live together. The first way is “we might as well live together, we spend so much time together anyways and it would save us money.” This is toxic to the future relationship and causes issues down the road. The second way is the couple decides to move in together knowing the implications and obligations that this agreement suggests. That it’s a serious step in their future and think they would be compatible enough to live together. This is helpful for the future relationship. Definitely made me rethink because I was leaning on the whole saving money part and spending a lot of time together anyways. So I will not be moving in with my boyfriend or vice versa until we are ready for that step.
Covid-19 death rate is like one in a thousand. But the vaccine had to undergo three trials before approval for use.
And so far, after more than a year, trials are still on and WHO has not "confirm" the company that will be the key supplier.
Marriage is more "deadly". In Western countries, almost every one in two marriages will "die". In the East, the figure is about one in five to ten, much much higher than Covid-19 death rate.
Hence, if professionals and great institutions need to test until 3 phases, I think the complicated institution of marriage need at least 3 tests too to confirm that the "vaccine" works.
@Alyssa11 LOL! Marriage is REALLY worse than Covid-19!
Covid only killed 0.1% of those infected.
But marriage: 50% divorce since Y2k means billions literally lost their mental health, their wealth, years of "support" settlement, and untold number of suicide cases due to the consequences of it.
No, compared to modern Marriages that wreck life for the last century, Covid-19 is but a very small problem.
Totally. I want to know before i marry, if i will be able to live with them for the “rest of my life”. And what better way to get to know someone than in the comfort of their own home. My friend wanted to marry her boyfriend as soon as she turned 18. I told her that she should first start living with him to see if he is really who he present himself to be. Thank god i stopped her cause the asshole was a violent toward her. If she had married him first she would’ve been stuck with dealing with divorce papers at the age of 18-19.
In medieval cultures, there was a custom wherein a couple before their village, would pledge their pairing EXCLUSIVE to one another, for a year-and-a-day 'trial' marriage; after which, they COULD either 'finalize' their literal 'coupling' by 'Handfasting' or... go their separate ways "no harm / no foul".
Modern 'shacking up' serves a likewise function... conventional dating serves to show one another at your idealized 'best' persona, prolonged 'live-in' wears down false pretenses before entering into what amounts to (at minimum) a binding legal partnership in return for reproductive exclusivity and inheritance.
Then what would the point be to getting married? You are supposed to get to know a person a bit before having sex. Getting engaged is for getting to know if you get along and to figure out if there are any deal breakers, but usually done when living apart. When you live together I would assume you are also having sex which can skew your feelings towards a person because you are basing your relationship on sex for the most part and not them as an all around person. Also when you find out she/he is not the one you thought they were afterwards, then it will result in a messy divorce and you will have that stigma of a divorced person forever.
I think it could help them see what it would be like to live together and if that would work, but I don't think it is necessary. Neither my wife nor my family wanted us to do that, so we didn't. I think we were spending enough time together that we didn't have any real surprises when we're living together after we got married.
It really depends on different people and what their values are!
For me, I am traditional and I come from a Middle Eastern background. I will never move in with a guy before marriage because i don’t believe in giving him full access to me as a wife if I am not yet his wife.
As a Christian I don't think you should live together before getting married. Isn't that what dating is for to get to know the person better and find out who they are as a person. I am sure living with someone you would see who the real person is behind close doors. If the person cleans up after themselves and how live day to day. I know my brother lived with his ex girlfriend for like 7 years and it quickly took a 180 to see that his girlfriend acted like a totally different person when coming home. I can't imagine if they got married before living together how much worse the living situation would be for them.
I used to think shacking up and playing house was really poor judgment... but now not so much. You don't to REALLY know a person 'till you actually live with them - then all their true colors really come out. Are they selfish or generous? Neat or sloppy? Do they augment your life or detract from it? Do you have sexual compatibility? If you get that last thing wrong, you sign yourself up for a lifetime of anxiety and disappointment. Seriously.
So if you're waiting for marriage to have sex for religious reasons, just find someone like minded and plan it together. For the rest of us mere mortals, you better make goddam sure they're the one. Don't fuck this up.
Now, all that said, if you're going to actually stay together and start a family, then for gods sakes make it official and get married. The worst thing you can do for your children is to have to explain to them why you and their dad didn't commit to each other.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
I think it’s a good idea because you can really get a feel for that person and learn their quirks, living style, habits, etc. I feel like you can also connect with them more privately compared to seeing each other every so often or only spending a couple of nights. You can really know them wholeheartedly being around them more and feeling that energy. I personally feel like I can’t marry a guy unless I live with him for awhile because what if we wait and it’s a completely different aspect when we live together and we already married.
Sure and it's necessary. To get to know each other, to know life together. I think this duration will be a short summary of marriage life. In fact, everyone over the age of 20 should live in a house separate from their parents.
I don't think that anyone should get married if they still live with their parents. But I also don't think it's a good idea to move in with a boyfriend/girlfriend directly from your parents' house.
Yes because, when you live together, the infatuation will eventually die down and you will experience what routine is like with your partner. This will allow to see how daily, everyday life feels with your partner and, ultimately, everyday life will make most of your couple's life because you don't date everyday, you don't feel madly in love everyday and living together will allow you to experience this so you can decide if you like it or not before marrying.
I strongly believe that they should. Getting married is one of, if not the most important commitments a person will ever make. People need to know each other very well before deciding. Living together lets them find out of they still want to be married for life after learning each others quirks, habits, lifestyles, and unguarded personalities. I believe it's also important to see if they are sexually compatible. Sexual compatibility is really important.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
I dont understand why men and women would ever get married these days. Most women hate men and they only want to use them to support themselves and their children. Unless a guy really wants kids he should never commit to any women. Luckily feminists have introduced the concept of friends with benefits thinking that it will empower women (which is fine) but the biggest advantage to it is that it frees men up from having to be in any relationship just to have sex.
Don't live together, don't get married. Have sex but dont buy the cows
If they want to yeah. I have lived with my boyfriend coming up 4 years, we don't plan on getting married any time soon. Saying you can't live together because you aren't married ends up with people marrying young, which often results in divorce. Most people don't want to live with their parents till mid 20s and for most people it's pretty much impossible to live on your own. So you either go flatting with friends or strangers or you find a place with your s/o.
Or you get a real job. McDonald’s isn’t a real job. You can be an electrician or another trade and make money $12/hr starting and prob 60 hours/week. That’s enough to survive on easy if your smart.
I wanna be clear I used to think like you when I was your age. I had to work ot and get paid more than $10/h to find it what it meant to make real money. I’m just above median income in the states with covid flipping up my hours. Once you get a real job and work 60+ hours a week you’ll understand.
Houses are expensive here. Currently trying to buy one less than 10 years ago my parents bought their second home (at a mid to high price range) with less money than my partner and I currently have, we are at the bottom of the market. Plus groceries aren't cheap, good internet isn't cheap, definitely not easy to be living on your own and still have savings
Lol I struggle to struggle. My bills are literally around $1500 per month and I make around 4k per month. But I love to splurge and go overboard with food and such. I probably drop $400-$700 per month on food because I bbq every weekend lol. Course I’m single with no kids. Women don’t date men that are short, round, and milquetoast so I don’t have a reason, need, or desire to save more money lol
Okay. But you're still probably paying too much for internet and groceries. My roommates and I used to get hella fast internet for only $40 a month. ($17 each.)
Definitely on the cheapest internet plan and could probably go cheaper on groceries sure but it would be a sad sad life. Cost of living is really high here.
Unless I move to rural absolutely nowhere nothing is really different. Besides I love my job, my partner finally has a stable good job with a great income. I'm not struggling so im okay I just couldn't do it on my own.
It’s very unfair but I’m glad you can’t make it on your own. It shouldn’t be reliably possible for men or women to make it without pairing up. It should be a top priority to find acceptable partners and build a family early, when your 70 all that saved up money’s not gonna matter much if you have nobody to take care of and love you. So sad this is where we are.
Yes and I find people who don't believe so to be very un-logical and strange. You don't really know someone till you live with them. Once you live with someone you might find out there's certain things that are red flags and deal breakers with them but if you are married to them it's a little to late to back out without a difficult divorce.
Ab-SO-lutely!!! Look. Its not 1957 anymore. Its safe to say that 99.9% of non married couples have engaged in sexual activity. In most cases, living together is just practical. Plus, why not take cohabitation for a test drive? That way, if things dont work out, you only lose what you have invested to that point. Time, security deposit, maybe. The few things that the two of you bought for the house.
Yes. You learn a lot of important things about how compatible you actually are by living together for a while first. It can really help prevent getting into a bad marriage too.
I hate to say it... but you always "Test drive" a car before you buy it, and that's something you will trade in after a few years... why wouldn't you want to do the same thing for something you want to be permanent
They should just live together and not bother getting married. Unless they’re religious - most religious people seem to want that title, which is fair enough.
@devilman666 Atheists maybe? Marriage isn’t just reserved for Christianity - it’s also traditionally been a huge part of all the other religions that also branched off from Paganism.
