My fiance's 15 year old daughter slaps and calls me hurtful things to my face, yet he doesn't punish her. How can I approach this situation?

[Anonymous]

Since I moved into my fiance's house, his 15 yo daughter has been bossing me around, calling me stupid and dumb, and a few times has slapped me across the cheek. I don't get why she should hate me or do any of this, and I've tried to be nice and kind to her, but she's a spoiled brat, and every time I confront my fiance about this he makes up excuses for her, and refuses to even punish her for it.

How can I diffuse this situation or even just persuade my fiance to tell her to stop this?

[Peanut38]

It's kind of ridiculous how people are pointing fingers at the 15 year old kid without trying to even remotely understand her situation.

Love is great and all, but when you're planning to marry somebody with a young child you also have the responsibility to consider the child's situation. From my perspective, it seems like you and your fiance never sat down with his daughter to discuss the possibility of marriage and resolve any issues. This should have happened way before getting engaged. This responsibility falls mostly on your fiance, but also on you as her future stepmother. You and your fiance basically decided on a mother for her without listening to what she had to say (at least that's the impression I got, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong).

You have to understand that the situation is most likely extremely awkward and uncomfortable for her. You're only seven years older than her. I'd also feel awkward if my stepmom were only seven years older.

Scolding or punishment is something you should only do after careful consideration here. You can scold her for hitting you, but she is free to dislike you. You're literally going to be the mother in the household, that's a big deal for her. You and your fiance will have to make a considerable effort and perhaps give her some time to accept you. It's definitely not something that will happen overnight.

The bottom line is that when you are in relationship with somebody who has a child, you're also in a relationship with the child. The child has to also feel comfortable in the relationship.

[SweedyPie]

Run for the hills. If this is being tolersted by him now, goodness only knows how much worse it will get in time to come. The reason she continues to do it is because she realizes that he is fine with it. You don't want to wait to see how much further her rage can go. You should have a serious talk with him, not at home when she's there but alone somewhere else and tell him that if it's okay with him for her to physically abuse you, then he's not the man you thought he was.

You're not threatening him at all to leave, you are letting him know that you value respect, honesty and accountability. If he isn't willing to pull up on his own child --- be mindful that it is not your responsibility to do it, he has to be the one to reign her in --- then he doesn't love you as much as he claims he does. You never know what a teenager with explosive, disrespectful behavior like that can make up.

But I'm curious as to why you hadn't met her before moving in, to see that that's a red flag? I'm a mom and I know in terms of dating when you are with someone who has a child, they come as a package deal. If any part of the package isn't woking out then it would be a stressful time trying to make it work

If he is willing to talk to her, to acknowledge the bad behaviour and not brush it under the rug, then you can consider staying. People who dance around the truth and then pin it on you eventually as if it's your fault are those who can prove to be more and more manipulative as time passes by and you don't want to be stuck with that, trust me. No matter how much you love him or how much you might think you can bear it and she's just going through a phase, the truth is you don't know how bad it could get before it gets better, if ever at all... so love yourself first, put your needs first and stand firm in your conviction that she needs some form of guidance for that type of behavior. It cannot stay the way it is.

[SecretsofKB]

If your fiance won't fix this situation and control their child, then you need to leave them. This is setting the tone for how your relationship will be from this point on.

Your fiance needs to stand up for you or you need to leave them. That's all there is to it.

[Levin]

These are boundary issues, dude.

In terms of relating to your step daughter, you don't need to wait for your fiance to step in. Irrespective of the dynamics in the house, no human should ever treat you as she does do. And you should make this known in very clear language and physical action that this has to stop.

The same applies to your apologetic fiance who should be nipping unacceptable behaviour in the bud straight away.

It's quite simple, if they are unwilling to listen or accept responsibility you should be getting out of that house as soon as possible, and ceasing to refer to him as your fiance.

They're the ones at fault for being abusive.

But when you stay there when they continue to be abusive and don't do anything about it, the responsibility shifts onto you for continuing to allow yourself to be abused.

You need to ask yourself why you have weak boundaries and would stay in an abusive home.

People who respect themselves would get out of that situation asap.

[razelove]

You're not that much older. If your fiance doesn't care, he's unwilling to discipline his kid, or you are still the stranger in that role. I'm kind of mixed on that one because I don't know how it would be if I got a divorce and remarried, because it's be multiplied by 4 here.

I couldn't just whip them at that age, and a stern talking to wouldn't achieve much. Wouldn't be willing to kick them out either. So yeah, it'd be very very limited on what I could do besides taking their phone, electronics, or whatever else they hold near and dear away.

I mean, I get why she'd hate you, you're an interloper, and not much older than she is. I might be ok bringing another woman into the house, but not one young enough to be one of my kids, that's uhh, hmm. Have fun with that. Wouldn't his methods of punishing or arguing with you be similar to his daughter? I mean, huh. That is a pickle that y'all are in, and not in a haha funny way, but the comedic tragedy way.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. How old are you?
2. How long have he and his ex been divorced?
3. Does he have primary custody of the girl?

[Asker]

I'm 22, he's 35 and his daughter never met her mom and I don't think he has either since she was born. And yeah he does have custody over her.

[OlderAndWiser]

This is probably an impossible situation for you to overcome.

His daughter has been the queen of the castle and the center of her daddy's world for her entire life. Now, you have come in and are trying to displace her from that position and thatmakes you her enemy. Of course she is fighting you. She is afraid of no longer being daddy's main woman.

And you are not old enough to be her mother so you command no respect from her.

Plus daddy will not do anything to make his daughter think that life is getting ready to change for her. He doesn't want to do anything to choose between you and his daughter. The odds are that this will continue until you reach your breaking point, at which point you will have a big fight and break up.

[SimpleGuy95]

That´s the best comment I´ve seen so far on this topic.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@SimpleGuy95 OlderAndWiser indeed.

[NYCQuestions1976]

Obviously you can't physically defend yourself against her, because she's a minor, and if she's as conniving and manipulative as many 15 year old teenage girls can be, she'll just say that you started it and assaulted her. Then your fiancé will go from doing nothing (which is bad enough), to being completely on his daughter's side, and you'll also potentially find yourself in undeserving legal trouble. Definitely not an easy situation to navigate, and nor should you be expected to do so.

You're unfairly in a ridiculous and nonsensical position, and you need to have a serious conversation with your fiancé. If you're lucky enough to get along with his ex-wife, you need to try speaking with her as well. They need to get their daughter under control... either together or separately. I'm sure she's probably acting out because she sees you as taking her mother's place in her father's life. Whatever the reason (s) may be, you cannot be expected to marry into a family where you're being attacked by an unruly teenager every day. That's completely obnoxious and unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Are you in an age gap relationship? If this guy has a 15 year old daughter I am guessing he is at least in his 30s. Your age problem is 18-24. Nothing wrong with that but his daughter is numerically closer in age to you than your fiancé. I can see how she (immaturely) doesn’t understand the nuances of how relationships work.

Anyway if she physically slaps you then you have every right to slap the little b right back. I wouldn’t pick a fight with a teen but if he lays a hand on me I won’t hesitate to lay him out. He doesn’t get special protection to assault people just because he’s a minor.

I am also guessing your fiancé has some sort of guilt complex with his daughter. She probably breaks his balls about him being divorced from her mother. She’s probably also pissed that you are younger.

Still though he has responsibility to be a strong dad and put her in her place. This is unacceptable and a red flag. You better realize what you are marrying into. If he won’t handle this you should seriously consider walking away from him.

[SimpleGuy95]

One of the reason could be that she's coming to terms with the loss of her mum.
She might see a gold digger in you because you're not that much older than her. Like if you're 24 you could be her sister and know you try to take the place her mother has left.
I think she's bullying you that much because of the small age difference and she can't handle that.
I would talk with her father because chances are that he underestimated her rejection towards you in the long term.
I therefore either try to appease the situation or consider a break up because it means that she won't see you as a valid replacement of her mother.
He might not have considered that while dating you.

[SimpleGuy95]

There is a not missing in the first sentence by the way

[shaysh87]

you are 18-24 and your step daughter is 15? you're not too much older than his daughter. But I would take this as a sign that he loves his daughter more than you. there's no excuse to justify being disrespectful to the love of his life. If he defends her , don't be surprised if this gets worse after getting married. The common reason why step kids hate their step parents is because you are not her mother. She wants her parents to be together and she sees you as the disruptive thing in the family.

[KelleyNice]

Call child protective services and say she is being abused. They have to investigate all reports. They will put the fear into her and her father since they have the authority to remove her from the home. The fact that she is violent is sufficient proof that she is out of control and not living in a good environment. Furthermore, they never tell who made the report or if it was just a random investigation. Therefore, you fiancé will never know you made the report.

They will talk to all three of you seperately without revealing to the others what was said. The girl may not fear you, but she will fear them. And, her father may not listen to you, but he'll listen to them.

[Kenzy009]

what a massive waste of public resources just to solve some petty drama

[Screenwriter]

I'm worried about this situation. This sounds like an either or. I hate the idea of an ultimatum, but if you think this will change after you're married, you're wrong. She's clearly acting out and is jealous of your taking her dad "away" from her.

She's at an awkward age. Not a grown up, a child in most ways. There's no use in being kind to her either. You're kind to her when she's abusive towards you? And her father allows her to be abusive towards you? What's wrong with him?

If he cares about you at all, he will nip this ridiculous behavior in the bud. If he continues to make excuses for her, you need to put your foot down. He's choosing her over you and that can't be the basis of an adult marriage.

Of course she's the next important person in his life. And he needs to make that clear to her. If he can't or won't, you shouldn't seek marriage with this man. The only reason she's a spoiled brat is because he's the source of it.

[KennethNoisewater]

What the fuck does he do when that happens? I don't know the guy and this might sound harsh to you but your fiancee sounds like a bitch. He should at the absolute least shake the shit out of his daughter if she is slapping his fiance in the face in his house. It sounds like they both need their ass beat. If I can recommend one thing to you and please do it, get that shit figured out before the wedding. Your marriage will be a trainwreck if you don't. I promise you that. that's a huge part of his life he doesn't have in control. You better believe he has a lot more than that. Tell him to get his life together.

[Asker]

He kind of just pretends it didn't happen. I tried to call her out for it in front of him but he always takes her side and defends her. I don't know I've spoken to him about it before but I'm just thinking now that she's probably got some attachment issues or something...

[KennethNoisewater]

I mean no disrespectful to you when I say this so please don't take it too personal. You would have to be stupid to marry this guy and where he is right now in his life. I'm not saying he is a bad dude and I'm not saying it couldn't work out down the road. But if that's the way he runs his house it is all going to implode very soon. Don't be there when it happens. After he gets his life together and the smoke settles he may possibly work out.

Let me say that I speak fluent retarded male. I know the dialect. I can see one from 2 miles down the road. I was dumb when I was younger. A lot of guys are really smart at a younger age. But the problem I had and it sounds like he might have is WE THINK WE KNOW EVERYTHING. We think we are the smartest out of the group of friends. It is a life changer when we figure out that we are not as smart as we initially thought. Wait till he figures that out.

[lightbulb27]

You'll have to use your superior intelligence to win her over, reassuring her you aren't replacing her mom (which is the real issue likely iside her... an old wound) but you can be her extra mom (or whatever term you want to use).

She doesn't want you taking her dad away, hurting him, etc... She's being selfish.

Communication is the solution. What are you saying that evokes a slap? I suspect she like most humans and children are striving for security, their place and role. at 15 they are usually working on identity and role (see erickson clark chart). You're jacking with that... so going to take some patience.

some wisdom? @midnightmoon05

Keep an eye on her she doesn't become depressed and keeps a good balance in life. you are taking a big role.

He is not handling this well, but it's hard... he can't throw out his daughter.

finding something you both can do to bond might help.

[D_Bone_Steak]

You gotta move back out. He'll ask why and point that shit out to him. If he doesn't do anything about it at that point, you sure you want to marry that for life? If he cares about having you then he's going to go ape shit on his daughter for fucking up his situation with you.

I mean think about it... he doesn't want to deal with her, and simply put, that's why he's not.

I think he's being a pussy, because if my daughter or any of my son's pulled that kind of shit, they'd find out what it's like to get beat the fuck up real fast. It's my fucking house, not theirs, and that's simply unacceptable. And that's probably EXACTLY why none of them would ever do anything like that.

[Finchie40]

Easy, dump your fiancé , the fact that he is allowing his daughter to treat you that way just shows how he will treat you down the road , Do yourself a favor and run while you can , If he really cares about you and valued you he would step in and make it clear to his daughter that she can not treat you that way. So by him not doing anything about it just shows he doesn’t truly value you , if any of my kids treated my girlfriend or fiancé disrespectfully I would beat their lasses and teach them to be respectful , being a step parent is hard but it’s even harder when the actual parent doesn’t do anything about it , that shows their true colors , end that relationship pronto trust me

[litty]

It sounds like your fiance isn't mature enough to talk to his daughter about respecting you. Because that's what it is The daughter doesn't respect you but he respects his daughter or is even afraid of her, and it seems like he's secretly hoping you work it out amongst yourselves.

You need ask yourself that if this was anyone else hitting you, would he still be a bystander? Would the guy, who is going to swear on the altar to cherish and protect you, going to let others hurt you? If he says he will, then he's doing a pretty shit job right now.

[serious_miss419]

She’s acting out because you’re dating her father and with more time and patience she’ll be all right and she’ll stop but for now if she doesn’t respect you and just give it more time. I’m sure he feels stuck in the middle so if you already knew he had a teenager before you got with him then that is your own decision and you cannot put it on him. A child always is first before somebody’s boyfriend or girlfriend. Making his daughter happy is his priority and if you’re gonna create an issue for him then you are part of the problem

[Staximus]

She resents you because you have replaced her mother, whether her mother was bad or not. Your fiance should not have tolerated his daughter abusing you from the start. The fact that he can't or won't deal with his out of control daughter means that it's too late.
You need to stand up for yourself and not tolerate this behavior. Next time she hits you, call the cops or hit her back. There has to be consequences for her actions or she will keep acting like that. If you can't do that, it's time for you to move out. You should just move out of his house.

[Lifebecrazy]

Talk to your fiancé about it, it’s his kid and will soon be your step daughter. He’s however responsible for her until your guys wedding. Talk to him about how much this is upsetting you and hurting you, and ask if he’s not okay with punishing her if you can.. if he still won’t do anything then he clearly doesn’t care about you as much as he should. A child putting their hands on an adult is a serious issue the father should address, especially because it’s his fiancé she’s hurting. The daughter most likely doesn’t respect you for one reason or another and is probably hurting about something deep down. She needs to learn you’re not a bad person, and that regardless of if she likes you or not it’s not okay to call people names and hit them.

[nawtee_me]

You can not approach him with it. Yo have to take care of this yourself. If she slaps you first then slap her back. If she calls you names then punish her however you feel id right. He will deal with it once you do and he will either take your side and his daughter will learn a valuable lesson, or he will take her side and you will need to move on because he would then always take her side over yours even if she is wrong. Do not give him the, " it is her or me" speech because he will always choose her if he feels pressured by you. But if his daughter starts something and you do it back to her then she was wrong and you were right to defend yourself and he will feel no pressure.

[ohshee]

Okay she first of all she has no right to do any of that to you the problem is is she's angry at you because you're with her dad and she's not going to like anybody with her dad so find out her interest try to communicate with her on it at her level if you do not connect with her now you will probably never connect with her like I said she's angry she's hurt you're taking away our dad from her even but I would not let that girl ever slap me again

[jshm2]

Well... perhaps he's not the one for you, then.

The kid is obviously acting out. But it could be she doesn't want you replacing her mom, or feels her daddy is replacing her mom.

You need to get the father under control and speak to his ex wife and get the daughter to open up about her issues.

If she's doing this now and the dad isn't helping then what makes you think anything is going to change after marriage?

[FinalFantasyBro]

If your fiance isn't planning on dealing with your daughter nasty attitude to the point you are getting abused by her I definitely don't think this marriage will work out. I personally believe you have to either confront your fiance or tell him this will not work out in the long run.