Military relationship breakdown?

[Mradvice24601]

Im a soldier, when I start to date someone, I make sure they are fully aware of my job, the expectations and the understandings that come with it. Just so people know what to expect and such. However it seems that I can't sustain a relationship for very long because as always, I get given a ultimatum... "me or the army". It's only after a few months aswell that it happens. I just don't understand why someone can say they want this then almost immediately turn around and try upend my whole life. It's been 10 years now, still a problem. Anyone else facing the same issue?

[ShadezMcgee]

As a military man myself, what I will tell you is this. I have had to lead men and counsel them on many things, and marriage or relationships with girlfriends was a frequent one that popped up.

I will tell you my personal experience and what I told them. My experience with it is that I met my current girlfriend mid 2020 online and I had that as a disclaimer in my profile, much like you being upfront about that here. That is important because this is not an easy lifestyle, especially if one wants to make it a career. Divorce and infidelity is a big one that pops up because it becomes too much and one party is away for a given time period during a moment where the relationship can be falling apart and amplify it.

Very few people are able to do this lifestyle and partnership because it requires have trust, commitment, loyalty and sacrifice. Some can start out strong and slowly fall apart and some can hold together and work through the difficulties and come out stronger. The most difficult conversation I had with my girlfriend is that as long I was wearing the uniform I did not want to get married because I have seen my soldiers lose their marriages and some of them were good friends of mine too. I didn't want to be included in that group.

She was glad I was upfront with it and expressed her concerns that I may be afraid of commitment because it almost sounded like an excuse to having my cake and eating it too in the sense of having the relationship with a woman who was behaving more like a wife, yet she had no ring on her finger and it was unbalanced. I am not afraid of it. There are just some things I want to achieve yet career wise and accomplish before calling it quits. Just like I know she wants to pursue law enforcement and that could possibly lead to one of the big three letter agencies she would like to do.

My honest advice to those that are in the military or have girlfriends is not to marry while you are still in. Wait until you are out and continue to date your significant other and have their feelings towards your time in uniform frequently and see if it will be too much for them to handle and give them the chance to leave if you find yourself at an impasse with it. It's better than being married and coming home one day to a ring on the counter with a Dear John letter with your kids and furniture gone.

[BCA6010]

Very few serious relationships or marriages with soldiers survived even my 4-year term in the Army either. My first squad leader just got married for the second time about a year ago (keep in mind he was one of the most hardcore lives and breathes army NCOs I ever knew in the infantry), and he says he's done after his next deployment, which should be ~21 years of service I think. He is choosing his wife over the Army. Pretty much every guy I knew back then who got married and is still married left after their contract ended. I only know of two exceptions, and in both cases they have family members involved in the EFMP program (I think that's what it's called if a family member has medical conditions requiring special attention) so they're basically relying on the government for that.

[Dinklex3]

? You've been in for 10 years at 26?

Plenty of men date civilians.

If the ones you find have a hard time accepting your career then just date someone who is AD or even guard/reserves as well.

[Ευδεμονια]

I think honestly you’re doing your job and wisely you can’t choose a relationship over it. Your job is your duty and you can’t stay home from army in order to have a relationship…
Do you have maybe the possibility to make changes in your job? Like being transferred to more stable places?
If not.. you’re destined to search more for the adequate partner, since distance can be very hard to bear. Distance is the emotion killer of every relationship, so you have to find a very strong and loyal person, it’s difficult but… you can do it.
You can make feel your presence when you’re far with video calls and interest in its life, obv it isn’t like being there but your work takes you far from home.

[ChrisMaster69]

Eh 10 years?

while yes it’s hard getting a relationship at times in the military, take a walk along to base family quarters.

There are a shit load of married people in the military, a lot have marriages that last the distance.

How many times have you been deployed and where to and length of deployment?

[IAteTwoFullHams]

Well, you're not wrong. I'm the guy you hate. I've fucked several soldiers' wives.

You marry them and then you leave them lonely and regretting their decisions. You can't just own someone with a contract.

[Guy13]

Sorry to hear that…