Would it be better to marry someone who is a very good person BUT you aren’t physically attracted to OR never be married at all?

[Anonymous]

I have an opportunity to marry a younger woman who has an excellent personality and is a very hard worker. We have been friends with for a few years now. It was her idea is purely for economical reasons. It would benefit us both.

But I am not in love with her and she knows that. She said she doesn’t care if I date and sleep with other people. This would be a paper marriage.

I have gotten advice for a few trusted people about this. All but one person said it’s a bad idea. I am leaning towards no myself but besides the economical arrangement a part of me wonders if I’ll ever find an ideal partner given my age.

Ever since I hit 36 (in my early 40s now) my dating life has been hell on earth trying to find a truly decent woman I feel attracted to. I have had a few flings with attractive women who would make horrible wives. I tried dating a girl who i felt so so about physically just for her personality. That slowly got agonizing. I ended up breaking up with her and that ended very badly (she went psycho).

However of me just WANTS this life milestone. But I don’t want to be an adulterer. Even though she understands I might date other woman I do have spiritual beliefs. Oddly the Bible doesn’t say anything direct about premarital sex (but it heavily implied that’s not alright). But it is VERY clear about adultery. I wouldn’t feel comfortable cheating on my wife. Even if it really is a paper marriage and it doesn’t sit well with me.

Married to the good person who you don’t have real feelings for (but respect)

Never get married at all

Updates

1 y

The shittiest part about all of this is if she just had some different physical attributes (e. g. more attractive face) I would do it. Feel shallow af saying that. Plus I am not the baby faced hunk I was back in my mid 20s anymore (although I have been told I look good for my age)

Still though it would be a struggle. This girl is very exceptional in many other ways.

[mickmrly]

I don’t think it’s a good idea to waste each other’s time. Neither of you really want it and the economic benefits may fall through at some stage. If you really don’t love each other you should just be flatmates. That way you share costs but if you wanted to find someone else you could do so. If you are able to save enough money you could try retiring in a cheaper country/place and looking for love then. Sorry things haven’t turned out so well for you, but a paper marriage won’t help things.

[Asker]

One of the better responses I have gotten on here. Thanks.

Truth is I am in a lot of debt because I a very risky investment decision a year ago. Normally I would of said hell no but considering my situation it seemed tempting.

[mickmrly]

Hope you can be clear of your debts soon. 👍

[Vesuvius87]

Married to the good person who you don’t have real feelings for (but respect)

Passionated love and lust is short-lived anyways and that's not the foundation of lasting relationship, leading towards marriage. Will ''oh the butterflies in my stomach'' being me kids? Nope.

I can work on that issue and come to loving him. What matters would be the vows you can to be with them in good and bad times, all the way till the end. That part of love would be the mature, adult love not the BS lustful ''I love you to the moon and stars'' thing.

[kylee2437]

Ridiculous. Then you will find someone you actually love and want to marry but you are already in a marriage with someone you don’t love just for the benefits. That’s also future dating baggage. How will you explain to someone that you are married just for the benefits without looking shallow and red flagish? Are benefits really that worth it?

[Asker]

We are both in a unique situation. But there are just much more risks (on my side) about this.

But your right about explaining this to someone else. Also I have never been a cheater let alone an adulterer. The latter makes me nervous even if it was understandable.

[kylee2437]

@asker yeah I don’t think the benefits are really worth what may happen from marrying someone you don’t really want to be with

[Asker]

It’s easy to look at things when you are young. But when you get older not everything is black and white.

I am not going to do it. But I am wondering if I am losing out on any positive opportunities.

[kylee2437]

I guess but I just think there’s pros and cons to everything in life and I don’t think being married for the wrong reasons is a pro. Benefits is your only pro here. Then something happens and you want to get divorced and the divorce gets ugly even if there was no intent to be married in the first place

[Asker]

Yeah there is only one way it can go right and multiple ways it can go wrong.

We have hooked up a few times in the past. But the past few times we met up I felt zero sexual urge. I also didn’t want to risk an accident (then I would be trapped).

Still feels shitty. She is one of the most honest and hardworking young women I’ve met in years. If I did find her attractive I would of said yes yesterday.

[kylee2437]

It happens but I think you made the right move. A hardworking woman that is honest deserves a man that actually loves her and I hope she learns her worth one day to not accept a marriage that isn’t full of love

[Asker]

She’s in a unique situation herself.

[Guy13]

Marrying a woman that would be a good Mother is huge for me…Good person no matter what in my case.

[Asker]

I do not want to have kids with her. We did hook up a few times to meet each other’s needs but when she started bringing up marriage I stopped. I didn’t want to have an accident and then be trapped.

[Guy13]

Smarter than gambling on it for some sex in my book. Sex gets everyone’s…at least one party mind twisted.

[Anonymous]

Probably never get married. Maybe it's vain, but it's a big deal for me to be attracted to the man I'm with