If a boyfriend says ''If you love me, you would move in with me,'' that's 100% manipulation right?

[Anonymous]

We've been dating for 8 months but from the very beginning, I told him that I'm old-fashioned, still live with my parents and do not do cohabitation.

Shortly after the 5th month of dating, he started insisting for me to move in with him. I told him no. Then just yesterday, he suddenly said ''If you love me, you would've already moved in with me, it's normal, everyone does it''. Then he added ''I can understand the no sex part, fine. But not moving in with me, if you love me you would do it''.

I'm getting manipulated right? I don't like getting put conditions. I feel very uncomfortable and hurt. Why is he insisting to live with him? I don't want to. He knows I'm old-fashion but it's like he's trying to change me.

Updates

1 y

UPDATE: I'm back to being single again. I just broke up an hour ago. There goes 8 months of my time wasted.

[EmyyWolf]

Sex til marriage is stupid. I’m sorry. But we are mortals. Can die at any second.

You think you’re saving yourself for the “RIGHT GUY”. WAKEUP there’s no right guy. Even the ones who simp for you and drool over you who seem to be all sweet and friendly with you, could end up being narcissistic and sociopaths. And yes I mean those unattractive ones.

Its a matter of luck. You were ALREADY in a relationship. That’s practically a high rank already. Marriage is dangerous and almost always harms men. Have you not been paying attention?

How long we’re you in that relationship for?

Most people tend to have sex before marriage, to make sure Their partners satisfy them.

What if you don’t like the way that it feel? what if he’s not big enough? What if he moves weird? What if his moves are weird? What if his semen look weird? What if his banana look weird? What if his juice smell?

These are things you neeed to take into account.
Im sorry but sex after marriage is just absurd to me. And the people convincing you that it’s better, as a group of no-sex, no-drive, cockolds.

and if “YOU” don’t have a high sex drive. That honestly means that you’re not as healthy.

🤷🏻‍♀️
Id be ecstatic 🤩, if my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. I’d have daily sex.

[jillybeanns]

100% manipulation. You made the right choice by leaving him. That shows that you have high self esteem. Kudos to you. ❤️

[lightbulb27]

how did you end up dating a hard headed knucklehead that doesn't listen?

i'd say not manipulation, but he's definitely not giving on what he wants and it's not comfortable as you stated a boundary. he's crossing it and not caring about your value. is there a value collision? This is so why girls have to be trained by parents to have high self esteem, as you are demonstrating. True of guys as well. So the psychology of it... who knows. maybe it's a control thing, or pride. Like... why doesn't he care about what youa re saying. you'll have to dig into him to figure out why and that may be a beast to get the answer. I can only guess... the answer is "the wookie wookie". who knows...

aren't relationships with other humans fun... it's those pesky brains and hormones that cause all the trouble.

[Asker]

I just broke it up an hour ago. Both my parents and best friend never liked him. I'm sure they must have seen enough bad vibes about him too

[lightbulb27]

Good job and experience, I wish I'd had that young. Sounds like a wise move, he's not of your value system. Next question is why you went for this guy. You really need to reflect on the relationship, learn... about yourself, your needs so you choose well. That's dating... like tuning an instrument. anyone can be unlucky... get unlucky 2 or 3 times, and somethings up that needs addressed.

[Grond21]

I just found this question. I'm glad you broke up with him. He sounds like a real sleaze bag and like you have learned a valuable lesson that will protect you going forward.

[coachTanthony]

Yeah because in his mind the sex part will come sooner if you both live together. He sounds like a greedy bastard lol

[Asker]

I broke up an hour ago. It's too bad that I still wasted 8 months of my time on someone that doesn't care about my values nor feelings about something I've already discussed from the start.

[coachTanthony]

Some people have their own agenda and will ignore the other persons hoping their narcissitic mind will convince you to see it their way.

[BJP21]

I had 10 years with a girl only to find how much of a mental and emotional abuser she was. I with you there.

[Asker]

@BJP21
wow 10 years of time wasted!!! I'm sorry to hear that.

[coachTanthony]

@BJP21 That sucks man sorry to hear that.

[BJP21]

This is what can happen if you're ever involved with a person who is mentally and emotionally abusive. Yours was a huge red flag to me because of the pressuring to move in. Isolation is one of many tactics they use to seek control, they will isolate you from family and even friends. You would think I should have cut the cord at year 3. She often apologized for her behavior and seek forgiveness, but afterward would revert back to doing the same behavior. I got to a point where I had enough and now Im single. You did the right thing by cutting it off before it even had a chance to escalate.

[jennifer_bloom]

If he tries to force you to move in with him, he will probably demand or force sex from you if you move in with him and might even rape you.

[Asker]

That would be horrible. I'm a virgin. I haven't even done oral nor anything sexual either. I want to wait till marriage, not move in with a boyfriend.
The thing is between the 4th-5th month, he was being somewhat pushy with sex. He kept putting his hands on my waist or trying below. I had to remove his hands and tell him twice to stop.

[jennifer_bloom]

I am 90% sure he will rape you if you move in with him. I would dump him. A decent guy does not pressure you for physical contact.

[Asker]

Thank you. My parents do not like him either. I'm getting rid of him tomorrow. That ''If you love me, you would move in with me'' he said yesterday was my last straw.
It would be cool to find a decent guy with my similar goals, similar mindset and similar aspirations that I can relate too, that isn't into just sex and cohabitation (to me that's like giving everything away without commitment).

[jennifer_bloom]

You can find a better guy and you will

[Charlesbrandonf]

Jennifer is right

[Avicenna]

Yeah, it's definitely manipulation

[Asker]

I'm breaking up. My parents don't like him either, not just my father but mother hates him too.

[bamesjond0069]

Smart girl.

[OlderAndWiser]

Living together probably leads to sex.

[Asker]

yes and I'm into that. My stance I told him from the beginning was I'm dating to get married. I'm a virgin waiting till marriage. He knew this from the start.

[OlderAndWiser]

Dating gives you a preview of what a long term relationship/marriage would be like. You have dated long enough that he is no longer on his best behavior and he is being himself. This shows you how he responds to conflict.

[OlderAndWiser]

RESPONSE TO UPDATE: Your 8 months is not wasted if you learn some lessons from the experience, refine your methods in selecting a partner, and becoe a somewhat wiser person.

[EmbraceThePain]

Manipulation? No, it doesn't appear to me. You can't read his mind, so you can't assume he's thinking about sex with you more and that's why he wants you to move in with him. I just think, it'd a weird thing to break up with someone over and I don't know how successful you'll be in the future with dates if you break up from something so insignificant with this. Just like you're "traditional" he may be think you're not as invested in him if you don't even want to move in with him. Also, what do you mean by "traditional." I think you ought to have communicated more with him and came to some mutual understanding because it doesn't sound like manipulation to me. I think it sounds like taking the worst interpretation of what someone says rather than the best. I think your boyfriend deserved the benefit of the doubt.

[EmbraceThePain]

I don't think most people here know what actual manipulation is.

[Asker]

I broke up hours ago because we're not compatible and I felt what he was doing was being respectful to my feelings and stance. I was straight forward from the very beginning that I'm a virgin waiting till marriage and I'm dating to get married (aka dating with intention) and don't do cohabitation. He didn't mind and was ok with it but then several months later that issue starts. He kept being pushy for sex at first and then insisting on moving in together. It's like he was trying to change me when I told him very clearly who I was and what I wanted from the start.

[EmbraceThePain]

I don't know how I feel about this. I get what you're saying, but I don't think it's manipulation. To me, it's more like he likes you but feels a mixture of impatience and feeling like you are not reciprocating the same feelings.

Although, you did explain your traditional feelings/ways.

If I was him, I'd be feeling a bit weird. I wouldn't say what he's said, but the thing is I'd be kind of THINKING it.

[Asker]

yes prior to dating him, I've had trouble with dates. The amount of men I've weed out of the dating pool is countless. Very few can handle what I want. Hopefully I'll find the one that I'm compatible with.

[EmbraceThePain]

What do you want exactly?

[Asker]

I want marriage and kids. I want to wait till marriage. Finding a like-minded, old-fashioned man sharing similar values is harder nowadays.

[EmbraceThePain]

I got you.

Hopefully the break up went okay

[Charlesbrandonf]

You love and you should love yourself more than you love anyone which is good. Don’t let anyone manipulate you. Your life your body your everything. Don’t do anything that you’ll regret in your life. Many people will come and go and give experiences (some May be good some May be bad) and you’ll have to live with this experiences your whole life.
Do something that’ll create movements that you’ll cherish later.

[Asker]

I'm breaking up today. My parents do not like him either and neither does my best friend. The more I think about it, the more I believe they do have good reasons too.

[Xoxocutekitty]

It's manipulative and he's clearly ignoring your boundaries.

No one should ever have to say, if you love me, you'll do x y and z. Unfortunately with the concept of virginity, it'd pretty zero sum, a one and done sort of deal.

If he respected and cherished you, he would be willing to wait and would understand instead of trying to make it about what 'he gets out of the situation.'

[Aerissa_Jade]

Definitely manipulation, but you should (if you haven't done so already) try living on your own first before living with someone. Roommates or solo if you can afford it.

Worst thing anyone can do is move out from parents and right in with someone else when they get married or just to live together.

I wouldn't say it was wasted time though, you learned and grew from the experience.

[BlueScorpio]

Yeah he was setting up for sex. First he wants you to over in, then it would be sleeping in the same room/bed, then eventually he would try to coach you into sec. Definitely a set up. Glad you broke up.

[Asker]

Yes this is what I'm thinking too. He was full of BS. No guy would be so desperate and persistent over wanting their girlfriend to move in with them unless they're getting lots of sex without commitment; typical of guys like them. Then more than likely that relationship would've ended in a break-up and I would've wasted my time.

[BlueScorpio]

It will be alright, you'll find someone else that will respect your boundaries. Think of it this way, 8 months of dating is better than 8 years. Plus that's pretty fast for a guy to want to move in so suddenly. Not even a year of Dating yet. So you didn't waste a whole lot time. You're still young to date. And find somebody

[petitedollbabee]

Definitely manipulation. “If you love me, you would….” Is definitely a manipulative sentence, no matter what the “you would…” ends with.

[Asker]

yes I'm breaking up with him. I don't like getting pressured into something I don't know esp when I told him from the beginning that I'm waiting till marriage.

[Ria_300]

Yes he's clearly trying to manipulate you.
If HE loved you he would not insist or pressure you. Just because something is normal for everyone else doesn't mean you have to it of you don't feel comfortable. He clearly isn't taking ur feelings into a consideration.

[Dazed0N0Confused]

Personally, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to move in with me after a set amount of time.
I need to know how they live day to day & if it's going to work out as a "roommate" situation. I'd be incredibly pissed off to marry a guy, move in & realize that he's a messy house mate, while expecting me to clean all his filth.
Honestly you two are better apart since neither of you seemed to be on the same page regarding how the relationship was to work & progress.

[Raphaëlle]

Seems like you've already discussed it so it should be clear to him that you don't want to move in yet. He should accept that and maybe bring it up at a later time. I know some people want to evolve or move forward in their relationships by moving in together but if you don't want to, don't do it.

[Asker]

It's not a ''I don't want to move in yet'' but it was a rather ''I don't ever move in with a boyfriend, I'm waiting till marriage, I don't do cohabitation''. He knew this from the very beginning. I just broke up because he doesn't care about my values nor feelings and we're not compatible.

[Asker]

From the start, I'm always honest when I go out on a date with a guy. I always say I'm dating to get married. I have to admit this weeds out many but it sucks that the one that agreed to this (my ex boyfriend as of right now) didn't mean it and wasted my time, trying to change me into his agenda.

[Adam1978]

Wait why would he want to move in with a girl if there is no sex yet. It's manipulation but its also a bit true, if you really saw him as the love of your life you would do anything that would make that goal come closer. It's he that really shouldn't nag you and accept that you don't feel the same way. He seems desparate. Most guys would have left you by now.

[Asker]

What I fail to understand is why he agreed to continue dating me after I've laid out the card from the beginning; he knew who he was dating. He knew I'm a virgin, waiting till marriage and won't do cohabitation.
If he wasn't happy with it, then the obvious thing would've been to break up sooner instead of wasting both of our time.

[Asker]

I was straight forward that I was dating to get married and he didn't mind, said ok and even said it was good. So why all of the sudden trying to change me into a live-in girlfriend? That wasn't my stance and never will be.

[Adam1978]

Well getting married before cohabitation is a really bad idea. How will you know if you guys can stand being close to each other all the time. Personally I say the same about sex, if you don't know you can have a acceptable sex life why would you take it to that level. But at least that is a less of an issue if you simply got used to no sex. It's a recipe for failure especially if not both is ready to adopt and accept the others flaws that will surface during these two activities.

[Asker]

That's my term and no romantic gesture nor lovebombing (not even if he decorated the room with my favorite roses) is going to change my stance. My only love of my life is the man I marry and have a kid with, not a boyfriend I live with for 4+ years and no engagement at least.
I don't want to waste my time. I've already wasted 8 months and now I'm going to break up.

[Adam1978]

Your going to keep wasting your time with those values. They aren't compatible with most people these days. Unless you want to live in a strict religious home. And that far worse than having some bad dating experience before finding the right person in my opinion.

[Asker]

I'm not compromising my values for anyone. Either they can take it or leave it.

[Adam1978]

Okay, just be ready for them leaving it, while you get older and older.

[Asker]

Why would I want to have experiences? I don't want to experience different men. I want to seal the deal with one man only, the one that will be my husband and father of my kids.

[Asker]

I'm not looking for more dating experiences. I'm looking for marriage. Done and over with deal.

[Anon_ymous_Man]

100%

Most statements that start with "If you loved me you would..." most of the time are used for manipulation.

Now the exception would be, if you were being abusive or if you were to cheat on him or you were just flat out being a bad partner & he were to say "If you loved me you would be loyal to me & not go sleep with other men" or "If you loved me you would stop telling all my secrets to people when I trusted you enough to be vulnerable"

When its that ^^^^^^^^^^^^ then its not manipulation.

If he's trying to use that statement to make a major choice that greatly effects your personal life solely for him to feel better or benefit from. Its manipulation. If he's trying to use that statement to get you to self reflect on why he feels unloved & what you're doing that he feels is unfair or unjust treatment. Then you should listen and he's probably not manipulating you.

[Asker]

Neither of my parents nor best friend like him at all so they I'm taking their opinions into consideration. I can't think of any reason why he would want me to move in with him. I can't find any benefit at all besides satisfying his ego of him trying to get in my pants, of giving it all away without commitment.
The thing is when we started dating, I was very clear in what I wanted in life. I told straight forward that I'm an old-fashioned virgin waiting till marriage, don't do cohabitation. He knew I wasn't dating just to date, but dating to get married. If he wasn't ok with that, he could've left and find someone else instead of trying to pressure me into something I don't want.

[nspencer]

He’s definitely not respecting your boundaries, which is going to lead to a toxic relationship I would say. I don’t know if I would call it manipulation it could be but it’s definitely a problem and you guys might just not be compatible. He might value living together sooner rather than later but you don’t, which I don’t blame you by the way lol.

[Asker]

Yes we're definitely not compatible and I'm breaking up because I can't feeling as if I'm given conditions to do something or else. That's what it feels like to me.
I don't understand why is he trying to change me if he knew very well from the start that I'm waiting till marriage, I don't do cohabitation.

[Oigit]

Women and men can be really good at that. Those kind of demands are the kind that should make you cut off contact with your partner and move away if you currently live with them. Because people that make such demands are doing it out of desire or need to control their partner.

[hahahmm]

Yes. But if I had a dollar for every time a woman said, "If you love me you would ___" to me I'd be worth 2 billion dollars.

Anyhow, if you want traditional, check out my mytakes on topics like 'better man', trust, better women and so on.

[JustinTheGreat]

Yeah it’s definitely manipulative. You told him from the beginning that you’re not moving in with him, if it was a problem for him then he shouldn’t have continued the relationship. You can’t just expect your partner to change boundaries that they set from the beginning 🤷‍♂️

[Asker]

Yes I made it very clear from the beginning. He knew very well I'm old-fashioned waiting till marriage. What I don't understand is if he wasn't happy with my terms, instead of pressuring me into sex (I had to remove his hands twice when he was trying to make further moves, twice saying no) or moving in with him, he could've just left and find a girl that will be ok with being just a live-in girlfriend.

[Asker]

By pressuring me and trying to change me, he's wasting my both of our time.

[JustinTheGreat]

Exactly. A lot of dudes do that unfortunately. I have a female friend who is demisexual which means she doesn’t have any sexual desire until she forms an emotional connection with someone. She always tells every guy she talks to about her demisexuality and that she’s not interested in sex. They always say “yeah I’m fine with that” at first but then always get upset when she doesn’t want to have sex within the first couple times of hanging out. Like bro she literally told you how it is and you said you were okay with it, why are you acting surprised? 😅

[Asker]

I know right. Those guys are also wasting time trying to pressure the girl and then getting upset when they don't get what they want. There are many other girls they can date instead of being stuck on one that isn't compatible to them.

[RiseofArtemis]

First of if you want to know if you both are compatible to have a long-lasting relationship and even marriage you need to move in with him. You can't find out how he is if you only see him a few hours a day. You need to know what he does every day, every week every month. You need to know how his behavior is at home to know if you really can live together. Couples in the past spent a lot of time together at their parents home staying over and so on to know how they are.