What happens after the honeymoon phase ends?

Question

Im sensing my honeymoon period has ended and im just really worried.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

Exciting, stimulating phases of anything don't last forever. If they did, they would eventually become dilute and not feel good anymore anyway. We get bored with people sometimes, but it's not limited to people - it's all facets of life. Much of life is kind of dull, boring, humdrum, but those lulls are apparently good for us, as the contrast reminds us of the good/great times. We also need to chill, and not always be in input mode, sucking up media, experiencing new things, bouncing from one job or person to another (applies to friends, too.) It's in the quiet times when the brain is not so engaged, that new ideas, realizations, and solutions to problems come. Brains love novelty (to different degrees, based on personality and circumstances), but too much that is unfamiliar, and it gets taxed, stressed.

I know you're talking about a romantic relationship, and may be wondering why I mention this other stuff. It's related. With eightyish-year lifespans, spending much of it with one person, blending your lives together is, at times, daunting and challenging. Sooner or later (or for some, every time conflict arises), one wonders what and who else is out there. But if you make the decision to be with one person, you owe it to yourself and them to not give up when it loses its lustre. It's at that point you need to remind yourself what you do have, what you have gained by having them in your life, and that is a partner, best friend, confidante, lover, and someone to hang out with to stave off some of that boredom that inevitably comes. Now you don't have to wonder if you have someone to see that movie or concert with, or who you'll toast the new year in with, and although, "What are we having for dinner tonight?" can seem like a question that never ends, at least you'll know you have someone to share it with, and care about how your day went.

You could call it the difference between the effects of oxytocin vs. dopamine, if you want (which it is; they happen at different times in relationships - one is more exciting, one is more bonding), but that's chemistry, and we are more than that. We have a lot of real estate up in our cerebral cortex and it's that higher functioning that probably needs to be in charge when making decisions such as these - is this person someone I want to be with, or do they detract more from my life, or make me give up more than I gain? Every person must answer that. But in the meantime, give it your all, so that you don't just act fickle and give in to temporary boredom, thinking that the next person will constantly fulfill you. Don't stay in something you're miserable in. But also temper your expectations. If you're unhappy, constructively tell them, and see if they'll put in more effort. Effort is key. And don't forget, you've put in a lot of work already, to iron out the kinks and misinterpretations and misunderstandings. Once things become calmer, that's a good thing. There's less conflict. And lack of conflict shouldn't really mean boredom. If you accept each other, there's comfort in that. I don't know what's missing in your relationship now, so what I wrote may not apply exactly, but the main point is that 'the honeymoon phase' is a phase for a reason. It will end. I guess how it ends is the key.

Apple1996 · Accepted Answer

Then you can finally see if your actually compatible

Lliam · Accepted Answer

The honeymoon phase is when you are both infatuated and think your partner is the most wonderful person who ever lived. You project your own feelings onto them. The sex is amazing and you can't get enough of each other.

The honeymoon phase always fades once you are really comfortable and start sort of taking each other for granted. You become familiar with your partner's unalloyed behaviors, moods, attitudes, habits, quirks, ethics, values, aspirations, physicality and sexuality. You realize that they are a unique and imperfect human being.

When you reach that stage in a relationship, you either can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with that person even though you like them, or you have developed genuine admiration, trust, respect and regard, and can envision yourself building a life together. That's love. Infatuation isn't love, although most relationships begin with it.

Have you and your girlfriend ever sat down and talked about your feelings? Have you asked her what she means by "not feeling prioritized"?

I had a 30 year old girlfriend when I was 37. Out of all my previous girlfriends, she was the first woman I ever fell in love with. She loved me, too. We kept our own places but lived together for over a year.

Her early life had been a mess but she had become an amazing woman.

Despite how much I adored her, I hadn't yet developed the level of absolute trust necessary to ask her to marry me.

One day we got into an argument. One thing she said was, she thought I only wanted her because of sex. I was really hurt and confused because I loved everything about her.

Long story short, we separated. I thought she had broken up with me. The pain and anguish I suffered was worse than any I had ever experienced.

It wasn't until years later that I realized that the breakup had been my fault. When she said I only wanted her for sex, I should have realized that it was an attempt to discover my true feelings for her. She was really saying that she didn't feel prioritized or valued. Why would she think that? Why didn't she feel cherished? I knew that she had insecurities from childhood. How could I have made her feel more secure? She didn't want anything more from me than love, and I had apparently not shown it.

I should have fought for her. I should have fought for that relationship. But I was too clueless and wrapped up in my own feelings and insecurities to understand hers.

DaveJord · Accepted Answer

So, embrace the honeymoon stage and enjoy it for as long as possible... but yeah it will end and this when reality kicks in and the expectations you put on the relationship starts to change. So, either you are able to grow into the relationship or it starts to fade.

Here is my most recent experience and it's not good for the most part. When we started off it all rainbows and unicorns and everything seems to be working out great, and easy. But the more time you spend together the more you start to really learn about the other person... then life events start happening in your individual lives that impacts the relationships. Because at some point honest conversations start to happen, especially if it's supposed to be a long term committed relationship. To me that means you are supposed to be working together with the intent to build a future life together, so you have to start making changes in your life and involve the other person in it on a more intimate level, and stop thinking of yourselves as I and me, and more as us and we. Thats when things start to get really personal. Because let's be honest, having honest and open conversations without being guarded is hard. Especially, when you consider all the things you don't know about the other person are all things, they don't want you know and felt that you didn't need to know until this point.

So here is an example, I got involved with a woman that had 12 pets... now she fucked like a dream and is really fun to be around. But I always knew the pet thing was a problem so after a year of dating, she started hinting at moving in together. I had to tell her that I am not against it, but I will never move in or live with a woman with 4 dogs, 5 cats, 2 rabbits, and a snake. Then I found out she was over $50,000 in debt with credit cards, IRS, and personal loans, and has a mortgage over $250,000. Which was a home equity loan she took out 5 years ago to pay off previous debts.

So, she got me on the pet thing, because I knew she had these pets and I knew that it was an issue for me, but I never told her that until much later. But she hid all the debt issues from me. So honestly there was not much of a pathway forward for us, until she got rid of some pets, and cleaned up her debt issues. The relationship faded and ended 2 months ago.