How do you ask your partner to do a chore?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend are currently clashing on how I ask him to do a chore. He thinks I pester him too much and he doesn’t like to do anything right that second. He says he will do it on his own time, not because I order him to do it. His words not mine. The thing is I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking your partner to do one thing right this second every now and then. I don’t feel that I pester him at all. I’m just a type A person so I like to get things done ASAP and know when something will be done. My boyfriend however can live with lower cleaning standards for longer (leaving dishes for longer/ leaving the bed unmade etc). But I just dont feel comfortable in an environment that’s cluttered and dirty. Anyway tonight I asked him to do one thing and he made a joke about me ‘running a tight ship’ and ‘running the place like Hitler’. I thought it was totally uncalled for since I only asked him to do one thing right that second (broken glass on the floor - I deem that as quite urgent to sort out). I had already cooked dinner and done the dishes twice I was hoping he’d just appreciate that and do it. But instead I get a joke that I’m some dictator. He says it was a joke but I believe behind every joke is a hint of truth. He must think I’m being an unreasonable dictator by asking him to do ONE thing - and I just think that’s ridiculous. Surely a man would want to help his girlfriend out when she asks? Especially if she hasn't been nagging him all day… when he reacts the way he did with this ‘on my terms’ attitude, I feel like he doesn’t care about me and my expectations. I feel that I have been the one to try to adjust to his way of doing things, I’m the dictator so I have to change. I wish he’d understand that sometimes I’m a little OCD and I’d appreciate something doing. So now we’ve had this argument about the fact that I boss him around and now I don’t know how to approach him to ask him to do something. Ahhhhhhh

[TheCleverOne]

I think you both need to have a conversation about this since it clearly bothers both of you guys. I personally agree with you and I think that partneres should help each other, especially men should also do the chores and stuff like that but for some reason they just wait for it to be done by the woman? Which is like what the fuck? I know not all guys are the same but like damn lol. Anyway im starting to ramble but I think you need to have a conversation with him and tell him what bothers you. But don't fight, just talk, and you both need to come to a conclusion that fits both of you guys. If he doesn't want to do any chore and still doesn't help you around, drop him sis, you're not his mother, you're his partner, which means YOU BOTH HAVE TO DO HALF OF THE JOB, and I guess he feels like he's being bossed around, you could try to ask in a nicer way, something like, honey can you please take the thrash out? And always say thank you, I guess you could also give him some treats like kisses or something nice so he feels included and then when he does a chore he'll pavlov himself Into thinking about the reward he'll get, but also he should do these kind of tasks because he loves you not because he gets a reward, but my mom says " how you train them is how you get them" so I guess you could use this information however you want, good luck!

[Asker]

Thanks for your advice… he does a lot of chores on his own but it seems whenever I ask him, he just doesn’t want to do it right that second. Its sooo annoying. I think I ask in a normal way and I always says thank you… not that I should because its a basic human task when you live with someone. Because of me, he lives in a clean apartment. Because of me he has varied dinners on the table. When he can't even vacuum up some porcelain debris from a dropped coffee cup when I ask him, I don’t know what to think! Why leave it? It’s dangerous! But he’d leave it for days if it was up to him. And then earlier he had a nap in bed (nice for some right?) and he didn’t even make it. His opinion is like well you’re gonna get into it soon anyway. But I like a nice made bed to get into at night! Why is it that only his opinions and feelings matter? Im so fed up. And on top of that he is blaming my emotional state on the topic on my pill, which sure might have some impact but for three weeks I've been fine. Id still be annoyed at all this shiz if I werent on birth control. Just uhhhhhhh … I have no idea how we can understand wach other on this. By the way we’ve been together for 4 years, lived together for 2…

[TheCleverOne]

I'll give you my honest opinion, girl, birth control fucks with out body and hormones and it's not doing anything good for us, why not put him to wear a condom? And if he blames your emotional state on the pill then why doesn't he say to you to stop using it? Boys are raised like this because their mom does everything for them and they expect their partner to be their mom, which is not how it's supposed to be. So if he doesn't do it because he is waiting for you to do them, stop doing the chores. Stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry and see where it goes and if he has the audacity to start a fight because of it just dump his sorry ass, I know that after 4 years it's hard and you may love him but no boy that doesn't respect and love you as he should deserves your time

[melanieeeB]

Uhm with my ex and actually also with my little sister I always just ask him to help me out and mostly that alone was enough

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend feels nagged and is finding you hard work. Which is why he's talking in terms of dictator and 'on my terms'. He's trying to keep control and demonstrate he's not your employee.

You may have only asked him once this time, but I'd expect those one offs are plentiful. And threat of them omni present. Perhaps your frustration and resentful fills the air.

How do you ask him? Are you quite direct and blunt? What do you give him in return? Perhaps he feels he's not getting what he needs to balance the books.

Perhaps you can negotiate a time when he will do stuff.

[Asker]

The problem is that I see chores as turn-taking. He doesn’t. He’s like ‘if you see it needs doing then just do it yourself’. But to me I dont think thats fair if I've already cooked the dinner, loaded the dishwasher and put the laundry away. Why should also do this extra task? I find myself asking him because I have a higher standard than him so he doesn't recognise the need to clean/do something as fast as me. And because I can't live in filth, I see the problem and ask him to do it if I’m already busy with another chore/if I've already done enough that day. I dont think there should be a reward system in place. He is a grownass man living with his girlfriend in a small apartment. Doing chores is just part of it. And on top of that he has someone working hard to keep it clean! Winner! If only he wouldn’t take it so personally when I tell him things need doing. I generally just ask once, leave it then remind him when he hasn’t moved to do it. I think asking once should be enough. But he either forgets or just doesn't see it as important enough to do. And I internalise that as he doesn't think Im enough to do these things for. Because cleanliness is important to me. I also feel like it’s kind of sexist to call me bossy for pointing out the basics and asking him to do ONE thing. If it were a man, he’d be called assertive… uhhh

[Opinion Owner]

What you're describing is the difference in goals and priorities seen in many, many couples.
I'm suggesting you have everything you need to motivate him. You choose not to because you think he should operate to your rules. He has his own thing going on which apparently does not include your higher standards. This irritates you.
Nothing gets negotiated or agreed.
He could do more. He likely sees no value in doing so. Perhaps quite the opposite right now.
You can either keep doing the same things (and get the same results), or try something new.

[Guy13]

"This is your final warning... I can take a belt to yourAarse... you can simply do what i ask happily... or I will cut you off quicker than you getting hard when a Nice Arse walks by.

And if you cheat, I'll kick your Arse out and it will be one less piece of garbage that I have to work around. Gentle and serious BARELY required... Stern is Good.

[Bricealan]

I drive to Oceanside (60 miles) to help my SO hang a large mirror in her Master Bedroom, and to repair a leaky toilet. AND change toilet seats. Her SON is a lazy son of a bitch, who lives with her and does nothing.
SHE has helped me a GREAT deal in the past with many things and I feel we have a mutual feeling of trying to help each other. Your boyfriend SHOULD have the same regard for you.

[Kaneki05]

I see it in the same way as him. If you want the chore done sooner than later that seems like a you problem, not mine.
At the end of day if you view it differently you should just leave him. Let him find someone with same personality.

Because just as he knows and I know we aren't gonna change this point of view because it's most logical to us.

[Little_Bumblebee]

This is something I'm scared of ending up in.

I hope you figure it out