Should I end this relationship?

Question

We met through work and things went great. He always had a tendency to downplay emotions and act super mean while fighting (admitted it himself and told me he's trying to work on it). However, I considered it mostly healthy.

We were in long distance and planned on moving in together. We did last month, our fights increased and escalated.

He doesn't validate my emotions and while fighting he likes to push my buttons. Although, I have been a very calm and considerate person my entire life - I got triggered beyond limit.

Giving a few examples:

1. I used to insecure about a girl. Let's call her D. I didn't react strongly initially. However, I had requested him to not bring her up. (He still brought her up on purpose to hurt me if I'm upset and would sometimes call her better. I can't describe in much detail - just get this I used to be super scared).

2. Give me distance and disconnect if I was acting upset due to something he said/did.

3. Would say mean things on purpose to see my emotional response and would call me crazy if I reacted.

4. Used to suggest moving out every time while fighting.

5. Called me names and hurtful words.

6. Quoting his exact words ''There is nothing good in you. Starting with your looks to your intelligence''

7. Criticized me and called me a looser when I was having a bad week at work.

There have been more but this is what came to the top of my head. I will be honest and admit I have not reacted politely to whatever I mentioned above. I have said harmful things too. But again, I have never been that way and I never thought I'd see myself become this.

We have moved out. He said he wanted to 'visit' family and plan the next step after 2-3 days. However, it has been half a month. He keeps dodging the topic and I'm afraid he'll block me if I ask too much.

I feel like I should leave and I think he'd be happy if I did. But I love him too much and I don't know what to do.

quaranta · Accepted Answer

Even though having some arguments is part of any relationship, it doesn't mean any frequency and intensity of them is okay. It seems that you argue really a lot and every time you end an argument you never conclude it with a plan or an agreement, so the same issues keep coming up over and over. If you just forgive each other without setting up a plan to avoid any other similar problems, of course they won't get solved (rather, get larger, stacking on each other).
A problem that constant arguments bring is destroying trust on each other. You aknowledge (by facts) what triggers your partner, you start hesitating more, walking on more and more eggshells, keeping in mind a number of new "rules" of things to be careful about, etc.
I doubt you "love" him at this point, you probably love the -perspective- of what "it could be" if he was another person and not the one he is now. Maybe you are addicted, maybe you invested a lot. But objectively, this situation is giving you stress, anxiety, humiliation, anger, hate, fear. And this is the opposite of what a relationship is meant for: safety, relax, understanding each other, complicity, trust, connection, mutual care, mutual encouragement and esteem.
Unfortunately "love" alone is absolutely never sufficient to keep a relationship on, unless "love" for you means canceling yourself to become a sponge for your partner's problems like many of our mothers and grandmothers, but nowadays, if you want to keep some dignity, what you need is also relationship skills and communication skills both sides, and here both look absent.
Further, he is not going to change soon about that. He can put a lot of effort in that but it has to be an active and constant exercise with possibly external help, monitoring every time he feels impulses to do something wrong and doing introspection about that. That's some work, it's not just "oh I will try to stop", it needs a plan behind.
So if you come back with him, you know what you are going to get (the same).
Also, coming back without any objective plan to untie all the stacked problems and practices to follow and monitor to avoid each of all the problems that were just put under the carpet by "forgiving", will just mean you'll keep arguing with the same (and growing) amount of stacked issues as before. You don't just "forget" what your partner is capable of, their triggers and where they can't be trusted, you don't cancel that with "forgiving" or with "missing each other so badly". You do it only through a rational work on that, planned, and that concludes with agreements and willpower. It needs the active cooperation of both, in a very long time span (months or years). But, let another anger crisis spawn with the same patterns and all the work is undone in once.
You can understand this is probably impossible to achieve with the current elements, so, afterall, quitting it is not so bad all in all, given you will move on and recover in some months of no-contact (as difficult as it sounds now, it will work).

ElovieMe · Accepted Answer

Sometimes love isn’t enough and that’s your bottom line. Clearly he’s abusive to you even if you aren’t getting physically hurt. You know you deserve more or you wouldn’t question it and leaving. It is hard, I know, but it is not the end of the world as it feels. It gets better. And when you find better you will ask yourself why you ever tolerated such disrespect. I will tell you the answer is that you accepted what you thought love was at the time and that’s perfectly okay. We all do this. Basically start asking your see what YOU want. What YOU deserve. And what you will tolerate in YOUR life. Is this the life you want to live? Is he showing by actions he actually wants to change? Or is he apologizing and continuing the exact same behavior? That’s literally what manipulation is by the way. No one that genuinely loves you for who you are will put you down or try to change you. They will support you, grow as individuals together, and you will never have to ask for the bare minimum. It exists out in the world so don’t be afraid to try. You’ll find some like the one you have now, but just keep going for yourself. Take that love you give and give and give to someone that clearly doesn’t appreciate it and put it back towards yourself. Your goals. Your happiness. Message me any time if you need someone/safe space to talk to.

QuadDamage · Accepted Answer

To be honest, I'm not the fighting kind. I understand there's yelling and arguments in a relationship and we're all different.

In my family I was raised to not yell at people while talking, so when people start yelling at me for no reason I cannot function properly, I need to take a break or leave the area and then come back. Then I will continue the argument.

Unless it's a moment where someone is invisibly telling me to define who I'm, right here right now. Then I will start yelling at the same pitch the other person is using.
And I don't sprout mean shit, I hate when people do that. It's a blow below the belt and shows very little self control in my book.

Even if you cannot blame him for own actions done when upset, that's on you. As far as that goes, he seems like a TeSteR to me. He's a button pusher and he knows it will work.

Why be mean for fun? Ask yourself this, is it normal? Why would you test someone you love, to play the hero when the reaction comes? You don't! I've never been in a relationship where I've gotten treated like that. It sounds incredibly immature.

But hey that's just my opinion 🙏 Bless

CallmeTheKnight · Accepted Answer

You don't need us to tell you what you should do. You listed all the reasons why

BlueScorpio · Answer

Yes, it's time to end this so called relationship. This person is not in a healthy state of mind to be in a relationship, he clearly has emotional and anger issues going on that need to be resolved. He is verbally and mentally abusive and their could be a chance he become physically abusive. He has issues that you can't fix, he needs to tackle his demons on his own. You can point him in the direction of help but if he refuses, there's not much else you can do about it. You need to let him go.

ShellyB · Answer

Well let me say something before I answer, and I am not questioning anything, but I have been in a lot of conversations w girlfriends who made their BFs sound like Satan but then a few days later they thought they were great again so I just want to mention that sometimes being upset or focusing on a certain thing can make everything look bad.

Having said that if what you described is how you always feel or always look at the relationship and is really how he talks to you, then yes I would break up with him, no doubt at all that is not a healthy situation for anybody. JMO good luck!!

Anonymous · Answer

Why are you complaining about his behavior when it existed before you moved in with him?

He always had a tendency to downplay emotions and act super mean while fighting (admitted it himself and told me he's trying to work on it). However, I considered it mostly healthy.

You said you considered his behavior, which was already indication of abusive traits, healthy. And yet you complain. Were you expecting obvious problems to just randomly disappear?

Because what you list already existed. His abusive nature was always there, it was already apparent, and yet you still moved in with him.

.

You likely grew up in a household where your father behaved similarly hence you thought nothing of OBVIOUS red flags before you moved in.

So question is... do you have the courage your mother never had & will leave a mocking toxic abusive relationship or will you stay & become your mother putting up with it due to "love".

LovingLoverReturned · Answer

Do you want a guy who says " I understand babe," and tries to comfort you when your feelings are hurt? If your answer is yes than end it. Guy is a butt cracked.

lalaloveee · Answer

Thinking if you have to do something means you should to do it. Don't underestimate your intuition.

Crowferret · Answer

I didn't even read all it, I stumbled upon the list you put up. Yes you should leave.

LazerBean · Answer

In short, yes you should.

rienna888 · Answer

He sounds like a pain in the ass.

MadKez · Answer

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